I have been feeling that spouse uses me financially

[michel71]

Hello all. I am not sure if I am posting on the right Board. Maybe I should go to the 'IMPROVING" Board but I was wondering if anybody is dealing with this or has successfully gotten past this.
My uBPDspouse won't admit to it but has "misused" our money terribly and cannot account for certain sums. In addition spouse took a cash under the table job and I tallied up what should have been brought home. About 10k in a 5 month period. I only saw $200 of it. Spouse won't confirm the exact amount and says that it was spent on gas and plane tickets for the step kids to fly to and from the UK. About 3 tickets I think. Spouse has no other bills except gasoline and spending $. I pay for everything else.
Basically I have been feeling that spouse uses me financially. Talking about money always starts an argument. We can't seem to agree on things. Spouse has just gotten a new high paying job and is willing to "contribute" but I am afraid excuses will be made again leaving me last on the list.
Of course there are other issues but I just can't seem to trust my spouse. The longer I stay married the more expensive it gets for me.

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[snowmonkey]

Michel71,

I know exactly what you are talking about, not only being taken advantage of, but not being able to have a conversation about this without a huge argument and she believes that I have taken advantage of her!

One of her latest methods of taking advantage is telling me if I loved her and we were in a committed relationship together that I would pay for her medications for her. So, I have been doing that, knowing full well that she claims every single cent paid from the insurance company. She gets her meds for free and gets the money for them!

What I have come to believe is that my BPD partner/ex-partner never viewed our relationship as a permanent thing. She has always been holding back and preparing for a future after me.

[michel71]

Yes. Speaking of a conversation. I noticed several "transfers" from our joint account to spouse's separate checking. IN fact they were maxed out for the month (got that FCC notice). I asked spouse about it in a very calm, low voice, sat next to my spouse on the couch, very non-threatening. It was going well and the transfers were explained and it all made sense and I had no issues with it at all until something "flipped" and I got accused of not trusting and then it was spun around and I was told that I am the one not to be trusted in my love and commitment! Then it digressed into spouse saying that I should have never paid for anything and shouldn't have ever bought gifts, etc. TOTAL OVERREACTION.
UGH.
I said I am done talking and was told "FINALLY". Another slight. I bit. And some cross words were exchanged.
Here we go again!
This one is probably good for about 3 days of cold war.

[snowmonkey]

I too have had a hard time of not biting. Although sometimes I knew it didn't matter if I did or not, she was working herself up into a fury that could not be avoided. It was just that time again for everything to disintegrate.

What I have come to realise about the financial matters is that I will be better off without her. A very odd situation given that you would think couples would be better off with pooled resources. But our resources were never pooled, what was hers was hers and what ever of mine she could get her hands on was hers too.

[michel71]

Snow monkey... .were we married to the same pwBPD? Mine was undiagnosed so perhaps I should have delineated that in the abbreviations.
Yes. What is "hers is hers"' LOL. Yep. That is how it is.
Boundaries. I have to own my part in this. I had weak ones. Just thought that I could automatically trust my spouse. The lack of transparency of money should have tipped me off even before we got married. I would help out with some bills, you know, give some money over, but it always seemed to never be quite enough.
My spouse still insists that it all went to childcare. Right. What about the booze and cigs? They were twice the price in spouse's country and it took twice as much dollars to buy them!
And how about budgeting better? God forbid my spouse would cut down on the indulgences.
Anyway, mia culpa. And I married it. Now I gotta pay to get away from it.

[teapay]

Been through similar.  I tried to work a system out with my W in a civil fashion like normal couples for several years.  Tried everything on the financial part, even in the context of MC.  Ultimately all that effort only cost me a bunch more money that isn't coming back.  The only solution that worked was to throw her off of my accounts and split the finances entirely.  She doesnt like it and it is very inconvenient since we have kids.  I give her a prepaid card with a set amount.  That is all she gets and she needs to manage it on her own.  She blows it pretty quick and is now blowing through her own money.  But at least it isn't mine or the family's.  Family solvency has become a non-negotiable for me and I will dissolve the marriage over it.  She doesn't want tge marriage to end, so for now she is living with it.  I feel much better.


I can see much more easily now how my W uses spending and getting as a coping mechanism, almost in an addictive way.  But I can also see she comprehends money more like a child.  She comprehends it as an immediate this for that without a true awareness of how much, its value, that money is limited, that spending it on one thing means you can't get something else.  She can see a bank statement and how much is in an account, but it doesn't seem like she understands what it means.  She sees more than is actually there or sees nothing at all.  She is not stupid so it is very strange.

[tryingsome]

People take what you give them.
First it might seem the giving is in 'kindness'
Eventually morphs into appeasement -- the i give you money so you should be nice to me. You might feel guilty if dont.

There is a lot of 'boundary' talk on this site. the first case of giving money freely is fine.
But boundaries are easy to lose in these relationships.
As in the morphed example, the caretaking becomes dependent. one is looking for an outcome.

This happens in many facets of the relationship, not just finances. You have to determine  the motivation for your own behavior and why it has changed to placate the relationship. This is the only way these relationships can survive. Then you need to take back those pieces.