This pretty much sums it up...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I get this text this morning from my wife:

Sometimes I want to find someone that already knows about Johnnys's conditions to help me with him so you aren't stuck with us anymore.
Someone that will interact with him on a daily bases because that's what kind of person they are and they want to .

Someone who doesn't resent the attention I need to give to him. If it were your son in Johnnys's condition you'd want me to treat him with the same love and concern.

You spent months away from home for (my sons name) learning disability. That's nothing compared to what Johnny has. You throw him a bone every now and then but no more. At first, you were great, but now you're done.

The black hole for my wife's depression and her disorder and the hole for her son's problem can never be filled. They are the eternal victims who have to blame someone for the condition they are in.

As Formflier says quite often its all about choices. My wife has made her choices and I have to make mine. I cannot stay under these conditions.

I am planning my exit... .I have done all I know to do to save this relationship.

In the past maybe I would have felt like validating some of what was in that text but at this stage of the game it is loaded with backhanded insults and slaps in the face.

I commend all the people on these boards who have been able to improve their relationships with the tools here. I have tried and it didn't work.

I am sad

[byfaith]

I get this text this morning from my wife:

Sometimes I want to find someone that already knows about Johnnys's conditions to help me with him so you aren't stuck with us anymore.
Someone that will interact with him on a daily bases because that's what kind of person they are and they want to .

Someone who doesn't resent the attention I need to give to him. If it were your son in Johnnys's condition you'd want me to treat him with the same love and concern.

You spent months away from home for (my sons name) learning disability. That's nothing compared to what Johnny has. You throw him a bone every now and then but no more. At first, you were great, but now you're done.

The black hole for my wife's depression and her disorder and the hole for her son's problem can never be filled. They are the eternal victims who have to blame someone for the condition they are in.

As Formflier says quite often its all about choices. My wife has made her choices and I have to make mine. I cannot stay under these conditions.

I am planning my exit... .I have done all I know to do to save this relationship.

In the past maybe I would have felt like validating some of what was in that text but at this stage of the game it is loaded with backhanded insults and slaps in the face.

I commend all the people on these boards who have been able to improve their relationships with the tools here. I have tried and it didn't work.

I am sad

[SamwizeGamgee]

I am sorry you have been put in this situation.  

When I read what you wrote, I felt a wave of sadness - as I have heard the same kinds of things from my wife.  I can be fine, and doing great, and spending all kinds of time with the kids, and she can follow up with reaching out to me in sympathy saying she knows how stressed I have been, and how sad I have been, and sorry I can't get all my (house)work done, and the kids will be understanding, and hoping I'm better soon... .

I used get that treatment, and start wondering what I did wrong, how bad was I, what I did to kids, and so forth.  She would even talk to the kids about me being stressed, angry, or busy.  I am now learning to shake it off.  I have to repeat to myself over and over that only I know how I feel, only I decide.  It drives home the fact that she has NO IDEA what I want, think, or feel.  It has taken me a long time to really understand this.  

I'm sad for you, with you.  

[Cat Familiar]

It's both sad and infuriating for a pwBPD who doesn't really know just what they feel to be so certain they understand how we feel, and particularly to ascribe bad motivations to us.

You have gone way beyond the extra mile, byfaith, and some relationships are not worth trying to salvage. After my first BPD husband, I have much less patience with even mild BPD nonsense and what you've had to put up with has been anything but mild. You've tried really hard and you can know that there's many of us here who support any decision you make at this point.  

[formflier]

 

This stuff is infuriating.  I would be livid if I got these.  Comments below are for you and others facing a similar situation.  No effort to say that you did anything wrong in this situation. 



If you are at the point of making an exit, then there is no harm in taking a stronger stand.

"Stop sending me abusive texts"  "I will be able to share my actual feelings in counseling"

Take printouts or screenshots of texts to counseling.

I took a really hard stance on this stuff... .my psychologist is actually trying to moderate me some.  She is convinced that I have made my point and the mind reading is mostly gone.

FF

[Notwendy]

ByFaith,

Every relationship is a combination between two individual people. Some people may have been able to improve theirs, and others may decide the best decision for them is to end the relationship. These decisions are also influenced by other factors: children, finances, BPD symptoms. So, yes it is commendable if someone is able to improve their relationship, but it could be no less commendable for someone to arrive at a decision to leave one as well. Both decisions have pros and cons and are not easy.

Your marriage has an issue that isn't present in all marriages: a grown stepson with a mental illness who lives in the home. Johnny has a serious mental illness and will require care the rest of his life. This would have an impact on any marriage. Regardless of the needs of other family members, or other stresses, the bond between spouses has to exist for the marriage to exist.

You entered this marriage expecting there to be a marital bond between you and your wife. You have accommodated Johnny. However, if what your wife wants in a marriage is a caretaker for Johnny, and no sex, there seems to be a mismatch of both your wishes.

[byfaith]

Thanks everyone for your words of support,

I got home late last night, worked late, on purpose. It was a bad night when I got home. I slept in the spare room last night. That wasn't the bad part. My wife came in while I was laying on the bed and proceeded to tell me everything that was wrong with me. I will hit the highlights here... .

I was such a disappointment, an ass, simple (as in stupid), I was called a hideous person, because SHE SAYS I despise her son therefore that makes me a hideous person. I am a pathetic excuse for a christian man. Between all of the name calling she explained to me how I fail in various areas.

I was in a position on the bed where I just laid there with my hands behind my head and listened, looking straight ahead. She told me I wasn't listening but I was.  I couldn't leave because she was in front of the door.  She wanted to "talk" but I said I have made an appointment with the MC on monday at 12:00 we can talk there. She said if you don't talk now I am not going. I said ok with a thumbs up.

At the end of it all she asked me if I would find a place to go for the weekend, I said yes ( sorry FF) I was thinking maybe make the drive to see my grandson. There is here family coming to our house this weekend. BTW who I love to be around. When I said I would go some where she said well maybe you can go stay at your D3's place and laugh at what an F"ing B I am. I just laid there. She asked me if I would stay gone the whole weekend I said yes and she said that is the nicest thing you have said to me in a while.

This morning I packed my bag for the weekend and left for work.  I get a text

Her: You need to be here this weekend, I can't do this by myself

( as in she can't handle the company by herself)

This could possibly be a defining moment for ME or an un defining moment

[SamwizeGamgee]

It is in these periods of crisis that heroes and villains emerge.  
I will be sending you some good vibes to be strong and find comfort this weekend!
Are you recording any of these tirades?
Could be instructive when used in counseling sessions.

[byfaith]

no recordings but I took notes on my iPhone after she left the room though.

[Verbena]

Byfaith, I am so sorry.  Sometimes you just know when enough is enough.  You deserve so much better than this. 

[formflier]

 

Go... .enjoy  time with your grandson.

Let your wife know you will NEVER again listen to verbal abuse from her because YOU are worth NOT being abused.

This is exactly the kind of situation where boundaries matter.  Technically where enforcement matters.

Get up and ask to be let out of room.  If any resistance call 911.

Hang tough man.  Enjoy the family you have that enjoys you.


FF

[HopefulDad]

This morning I packed my bag for the weekend and left for work.  I get a text

Her: You need to be here this weekend, I can't do this by myself

( as in she can't handle the company by herself)

This could possibly be a defining moment for ME or an un defining moment

Text back: Goodbye.

I hope your stbx finds inner peace someday.  Only she can find it.  You cannot find it for her.

You will find inner peace for yourself.  Of that I'm confident.

[byfaith]

she is asking me to call her. No crappy texts today. Here is a text she sent me

Her: I need u to call me. I need to know what's going on. Everyone will be asking me where u are

what if I text this:

tell them what you need to tell them. I care about you and your family but I care about myself and I can't be verbally abused any longer.  I hope you have nice weekend with your family. I will be at MC at 12:00pm on monday. I hope you come.  

( I told her last night about MC on monday but she has probably forgotten) is this text too nice?

[Verbena]

She verbally abused you and asked you to leave.  You left.  I wouldn't respond at all. 

[SamwizeGamgee]

Agreed with above.  No response needed. 

Your proposed response seems fine if you choose to send it however.  I think it's fine to remind her of Monday's appointment.

I personally believe you cannot be too nice in written responses.  Out of any dynamic, what is written is most likely to be saved and ruminated upon.  (and thrown up against you or used in court, and so forth). 

So, I suggest you be nice as possible -- but never wander from your chosen path - whether to repair the relationship or remove yourself.

If it helps, I picture myself as an actor, trying to portray someone on the high road.  I act with my wife knowing that everything is going to be replayed a hundred times for all to see.  No weakness, no emotion, no anger.

[HopefulDad]

If you want to text her, but also avoid a ton of back and forth, tell her:

"I'm gone for the weekend.  I'll be at the MC appointment.  I'll talk to you then.  Enjoy your weekend."

Then do not answer any phone calls or texts she will inevitably be sending all weekend.

I agree with the others who say no response is needed, but this is only if you choose to respond.  I suggest avoiding getting into "I will not tolerate abuse!" texts.  Save that for the MC.

[formflier]

Verbena nailed it.  No response needed. 

Perhaps tomorrow or Sunday send a text that you will be at MC on Monday at 12. 

Do not say you hope she will be there.  Less is more.

FF

[Notwendy]

I hope you go too - because of the boundary- she told you to go, you agreed. If you don't go- she knows she can say anything to you without consequences. Your word - has no meaning if you don't follow through on what you say.

Considering the push pull nature of this. She pushed- you went - she pulled . This could escalate. But should you go back - you are reinforcing her behavior towards you.

[formflier]

But should you go back - you are reinforcing her behavior towards you.

This is critical... .let her sort out her own mess.

FF