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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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Author Topic: Here we go again...  (Read 390 times)
BowlOfPetunias
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 133



« on: July 28, 2016, 02:40:36 PM »

My uBPD wife thinks over optimistically, makes big plans, and gets extremely angry when things don't turn out as she envisioned.

For a long time, we have been talking about moving my son into the attic and his sister into his old room.  This involves a lot of work, including replacing carpeting, removing wallpaper, and repainting.  Also, she wants to get new furniture for both of them.  The new bed for our daughter came in at the store already.

Here is the big problem--our son will not work on things without supervision.  His room had not been cleaned in over a year, and my wife was insistent that it be done before he left for summer camp (on Monday the 25th) so that we could move his stuff up to the attic and move his sister into his room during the two weeks he is away.  I locked up his Nintendo, but he still snuck into our room to watch TV when he should have been cleaning up his room.  When not sneaking TV, he would just lie in bed.

His therapist suggested the following plan to me:
1. He probably doubts the attic will be ready (understandable, since we still haven't taken down the wall paper and moved stuff out of the attic.)  Make progress on that.
2. Tell him that we are not going to buy new furniture until he organizes up so we can move everything.  Don't get angry, but make him understand that he does not get what he wants without doing what he is supposed to do.  If need be, he can sleep on one of the camping cots until he helps out.

Naturally, my wife got very angry.  He responded in kind and started cursing at her--something she identifies as a trigger.  She told me to talk to him about that, and I did.  Then she started getting mad at me for not talking to him about it--even though I did.  I told her I need to spend the night on the couch (even though that would be extremely hot and uncomfortable.)  I slept there until about 2 or 3.

The fighting continued.  She offered to help him and he refused.  He let me "help," but it was mostly me picking up all the trash and Lego pieces strewn all over with minimal effort from him.  I know I was not following the therapists plan, but I had to do something to stop them from going at each other.

My wife came up with the idea that we would allow him to use some of his savings to get an Ipod he could use at the camp (no internet allowed).  The idea was clean the room and then you get it in time to take to camp.  Without asking me, she shifted this to get the Ipod a full day before leaving for camp even though he was not working on his room (optimistic phase/splitting into "good".  Then we had a big, drawn out fight as it got closer to leaving for camp, the room was not clean, and he was not packed.  At 11:00, I was getting our daughter (7) to sleep.  She said she thought she wet her bed, but my wife said it was only sweat because she insists on using a blanket in the heat.  So then our daughter actually peed in the bed--apparently on purpose--and had to spend the night in our room while my son and wife continued to fight.  I was stressed and could not sleep for hours--even though I needed to drive him several hundred miles the next day!

A large part of the problem is that she takes any problems with the kids as evidence that she has failed as a mother.  It's all or nothing.  Therefore, they can't fail.  But they do.  So she becomes angry because their failure is an insult to her abilities as a mother.  So they feel stressed and fail.  My son confided that he did not clean his room (and also does not do homework when he should) because "it will never be good enough."  I have tried telling my wife that we have to stop insisting on a perfect standard that the kids can't reach at this point ("I know he can make high honor roll, so he has to do it" and focus on more realist "good enough" goals, such as completing the homework in a timely manner with a serious effort--even if that does not get high honor roll.   With the grades, there is also the overly optimistic "He's doing so much better" when there has been no significant improvement, setting up the crash when he doesn't live up to her standards after all.

BTW, I am the one who got good grades in school.  She admits that she was a C student.  I have told him I would be happier if he did the work and got Cs, because at least that would show he has the determination to do something and be able to hold down a job.  He might not have a great job if that is the case, but I know that he will be able to support himself.  Not doing the work, however, makes me fear that he will not be able to hold any job.  (He tried volunteering as a counselor in training at 2 day camps this summer--against my judgement because my wife was overly optimistic again.  As I feared, he did not follow directions and was fired both times.  He had to come into work with me and sit in the office all day for about a week.)

He's at camp, his room is still a mess, the attic is no where near ready, and the first new bed is ready to be picked up--even though there is no where to put it yet.  I am afraid she will snap again soon.  Oh, and she is talking about getting his new furniture even though I told her his therapist said to hold off on that.

She told me to make sure he called her when I dropped him off at camp.  I had him call on the way to the camp from the hotel room.  Then I had him call after he registered at the camp.  He did not want me to go into the dorm and help him unpack, so I took his phone (camp rule) and left.  Upon getting home, my wife kept telling me how sad and upset she was that I did not have him call her to say goodbye!  Eventually, she did accept that I had, but still, I had him call twice!  I wasn't with him for more than 5 minutes after he got off the phone with her.
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Meili
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2384


« Reply #1 on: July 28, 2016, 03:06:10 PM »

I can completely relate to your son seeing no reason to even try because nothing will ever be good enough. I feel bad for him.

I can also relate to being in a r/s with someone who exhorts pressure on others because of a fear of how they will reflect on her. That creates unattainable expectations for all involved.

That sounds like a completely exhausting way to live! 

What happens when you establish and enforce boundaries with with your wife?
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BowlOfPetunias
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 133



« Reply #2 on: July 28, 2016, 03:38:23 PM »

The apologies from her are the result of my setting boundaries.  No, she can not get mad at me because our son cursed at her after I had spoken to him AND she reengaged.  Instead of reacting with anger, I informed her that I would have to leave the bed room.  This is something that used to send her into panic attacks, but this time she accepted it and apologized the following morning.  I have been telling her when conflict with the kids is getting out of hand and sometimes she has listened. 
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Meili
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2384


« Reply #3 on: July 28, 2016, 03:49:03 PM »

I'm happy to hear that she doesn't dysregulate when you enforce your boundaries.

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