NC : guilty

[Fie]

Hi  everyone  

Since some time I have been NC / extremely LC with my FOO. Thanks to some friendly advice here I was able to make that decision (I at least have made that decision for me ... .not sure on how  to handle questions for contact between uBPDm and my child)
I do struggle with feelings of guilt towards my child (maybe she's better of without my crazy FOO, but who am I to decide ?)  and would like to know your experiences.
Who has NC (I know of a few  members by  now) / how are you feeling with that ?

Thanks !

Fie

[HappyChappy]

Hi Fie,

I’ve been NC for several years. It was perfect for me, and without it I doubt I would have healed as effectively. That said I’m planning to reconnect soon, but this time I don’t trigger as easily and have more tools to manage the situation, mostly learnt from this forum. 

My BPD triangulated my kids and the one they scapegoated had zero interest in seeing them again. Our other child, medium interest, but goes with what the family wants, so has mentioned it twice. That’s less than once a year. You can always change NC. So how are you feeling about NC ?
 

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Fie: 

I'm still NC with my sister.  Sometimes, I feel like an orphan, since my parent's are both deceased.  I've made contact with my adult niece (sister's daughter) a couple of times.  I checked with her after she had a couple of minor surgeries a few months ago.  It is a bit awkward, so I've been cautious.  My niece has a lot of issues and she still lives at my sister's house.  I don't anticipate much of a relationship with her, other than maybe a call a couple of times a year and possibility of me treating her to a show and dinner within the next year.

I'm, also, NC with a cousin at the current time.  It isn't because I intended to be.  She just fell off the radar.  After I went NC with my sister, I made several attempts to call my cousin, but she never answered her home phone (and didn't have voice mail working).  I left a message on her cell phone, but didn't get a return call.  Sent an email, and didn't get a response to that.   So, I've just let it be.  If she contacts me, I'm fine with it, but I gave up trying to communicate.  Both my sister and cousin are into Facebook.  I don't do Facebook for the most part.  I just have a fake account that I use for going to business or municipal accounts.  I'm glad I stayed away from Facebook.

I'm not clear what is up with my cousin.  Oddly, she went NC with her now deceased sister, after their dad died.  My cousin got a lawyer involved to settle an estate dispute, and they remained estranged until my cousin visited her sister on her death bed.

I had a bit of a foreboding when my sister painted me black. I feared that my sister and I would end up just like cousins X & Y.  Sure enough, that is what happened.

NC had a domino effect.  You never know which way things will tumble.

I'm thinking that if you are NC with someone, you wouldn't want your children to be in contact with them.  I'm just thinking from the prospective of emotional damage.  If someone is abusive to you, they will likely be abusive to your children.

[isilme]

I do struggle with feelings of guilt towards my child (maybe she's better of without my crazy FOO, but who am I to decide ?)  and would like to know your experiences.

You are your child's mother.  That's who you are to decide.  If a drug dealer was asking for contact with your child, would you feel guilty about not granting  or facilitating it? Probably not.

I have been NC with my FOO and both parents for many years.  Both of my parents are BPD, both of them hurt me greatly, and I am still working through a lot of it.  I am finding the neglect was in many ways far more damaging than the overt abuse.  NC is the only way I have been able to emerge as an individual and not some enmeshed appendage to either/both parents.

I know it's hard when someone asks about NC, but if you were protecting your child from say, an abusive ex-boyfriend, would people bat an eye?  DNA linkages should not trump the actual health of the relationship.