BPDxgf still wants sex

[oz geary]

So it's been a little while since I wrote on here and a lot has happened. I got back with my BPDgf,then split up again for like the millionth time! Then she called me back for sex and to help her get rid of an unwanted house guest who wouldn't leave for weeks. I sorted that out and me and my gf started sleeping together again but she said we were not a couple. I lived with her and her mother for a couple of months then my gf got herself a council flat. I moved in with her, helped her get all her stuff she needed for the flat and things seemed like they were OK. Then we had a fall out AGAIN! and I moved out. That was just under 4weeks ago. She called me yesterday and asked me to come round and have sex with her. I said it's not a good idea, and she shouldn't do this to me. She said sorry but still wanted me to come over,,, so I did. We had sex but she also told me she, on the night we split up she went out and snogged a random guy, then a few days after slept with her ex bf! who still wants her bad even tho she says she never loved him and could never love him, they split up over 2 years ago coz he cheated on her. She has also been having lesbian sex with a girl she and I met in a pub one night out, months ago! And she's been drinking heavily too. My BPDxgf says she misses me and how we used to b when we were good. She says she's not lesbian and regrets sleeping with all of them. I asked if she regrets sleeping with me she said no. My heads all over the place now, Ive txt with her a little but today, she has het ex bf over this wkend and told him shed slept with me,,, apparently he was fine with that but I don't know for sure. The girl she slept with was pissed off when she found out my BPDxgf had slept with me. I don't knw what's best. I still love my x and would do happily get back with her regardless, but what should I be thinking or feeling? I just feel anxious and insecure.
FYI, I'm a bit of the rails too so to speak coz after sleeping with my x and finding all that out, I went and slept with a girl who has wanted me for ages, just coz I could. I feel guilty for using her and I'm not sure why I did anyway  :/  any opinions, comments, advice from ppl would b greatly appreciated, thanx all xx

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Reforming]

Hi Oz,

Sounds like you've got stuff going on right now and I can imagine that it all feels very difficult and confusing.

I don't know your partner or your relationship but from what you've said there seems to be a people in the picture.

I understand that you are still in love with your partner but all that uncertainty and chaos can be very draining and upsetting.

How are you holding up right now?

Reforming

[VitaminC]

Hi Oz,

Welcome back.

It's sounds as if you're in a highly conflicted, highly reactive, confusing, and very painful place at the moment. Would that be right?

As Reforming said, a lot of chaos and uncertainty.
A lot of stops and starts. A lot of other people mixed up in the relationship that are not healthy for it.

I understand that you love your girlfriend and want to be with her. Think about what 5 things you would need to make that possible. Might trust and monogamy be in there? I'm not saying they ought to be, but that's the kind of thing I mean.

Once you have the five things, will you post them here? We'll probably ask you to do a little more homework then and think about how those things might become a reality. What it would take. Don't worry, members will surely help with ideas, if you want them. 

Could this be a place to start?  5 things. The most important ones.

[oz geary]

5 things, ok, , well trust and monogamy yes, it has to be said that since the break up before last me and my x have not been a couple, as far as she was concerned, so she said. Although during this period we behaved as a couple in every way. And during the  periods when we have been together neither of us has cheated. I've never cheated on anyone and she hasn't since she was in her early 20s. We r early 30s now. So monogamy,, no probs.
Trust, I trust her. I know her. I'm the one with the problem/issue there,,, I'm conflict avoidant, and if something annoys me or I want something I don't think she will agree with, I don't say anything. I hide my true feelings in favour of not rocking the boat. For example, I will say silly small lies so I don't feel so guilty for wanting time away from her. I knw I shouldn't feel guilty anyway ,and she doesn't do anything to make me feel that ,, so that's my illness. I will b getting CBT.
5 things,,,
Trust, monogamy,,,
Understanding!
I have put a lot of effort into researching BPD and the tools to help me have a successful relationship with my girl. I'm messed up in the head in a very similar way to her,, I have many BPD traits but I don't have the 3 P's. I have a strange push/pull urge with my relationships. Anyway, she gets me,, I get her,, we r probs too alike to b fare, ,, so ,,,understanding.
Commitment.
Although I have been the one to storm out and run away from our relationship on a few occasions, Ive always wanted her back, and have put effort into learning about BPD because I am committed. She has spoken to me very bluntly about what she wants from me, because she wants to be with me and so I can say she seems to have been, committed to us working out.
Trust, monogamy, understanding, commitment,,,
I'd say honesty but that's same as trust so ,,,
Love? I know I love her, I feel that although things r pretty messed up, she does love me too,,,
,,,
What's the 5th?

[VitaminC]

I think you show some good insights there, Oz!

Maybe "communication" might be a fifth?

Why not have a read of the resources here and see how you two could improve your communication in small but effective ways. In small steps. Is that something you could undertake as a project together? Is your communication good enough to start there?

You seem pretty motivated, so that's good.

You know, looking back over my own relationship, I realised I behaved pretty confusingly and, well, badly at the start. Some of what you describe reminded me of myself - esp the push/pull. I'm guilty of that too - and in my case I have to admit it was 3 things:

1) a justifiable nervousness about my BPD partner - he was too intense and there were too many red flags, but I was also insanely attracted to him. So sometimes I was right there with him, and other times I'd pull back to try and think more rationally. To him that must have been very confusing indeed. I verbalised it at some point early enough, my anxieties about his mental space - but doubt very much that I put it in any kind of a validating way. In fact, the opposite. I probably gave off very much a vibe of "I know what I'm talking about".

2) a general nervousness about being in a relationship and not "losing" my autonomy in it. I think now that if I have a good sense of who I am as a person, I won't fear being engulfed by another. Two years ago, I did not have the sense of myself that, ironically, this very damaging and hurtful relationship has helped me to work out. I'm much clearer now, but still learning.

3) a complete inability to state my needs. If I needed to be comforted or lifted up psychologically, I would rather have chewed my arm off than admit that. I wanted that to be provided so that I could kind of shrug it off. My previous partners had been "big enough" to see the tantrumming little girl behind my queenly poise.   I didn't fool them so easily, but they never outright called me on it, probably knowing in a deep way that I was just too fragile to have such a thing pointed out to me. They were kind beyond measure, until I guess in one case anyway, I had used up their kindness. Then they just sadly left. It took me years to understand how generous they'd been and how little I had appreciated it at the time.

Wow, that's one of the most honest things I've said. By honest, I mean revealing. It's hard to admit, even here among friends, how I lost one person because I was an emotional child. And it took me a long time to be able to say that to the one person who needed to hear it, and has always known it anyway.

Anyway, my point was that not being able to admit to any vulnerability, made me a push/pully kind of person.

A push/pully bully.

I think in your own case, it's worth exploring your own mechanisms (and I'm not saying they're like mine!) and seeing what fine-tuning you can do for yourself. This can only better the relationship, or if not this one for whatever reasons, then any other one you might ever have.

What do you think?

[VitaminC]

 

How are you getting on there, oz?

[oz geary]

I'm doing,,, ok. I suppose. I'm back wiv my BPDgf ,but she says we r not in a relationship. Cz if she calls it a relationship then she will get too lost in me and that's when she can split. So that's fare enough. We r having sex and doing things that couples do but not living together. Her friend who is a lesbian has been txting her saying she wants sex, my gf says they r just friends but her this lesbian has said, no one needs to knw and it will b their little secret. But my gf read the txt to me so it's not a secret from me. My gf replied to her saying they r just friends but didn't say it wouldn't happen again and skillfulchanged the subject. So in essence she hasn't said no. :/ I feel insecure at best, paranoid at worst. I said to my gf, in a calm and gentle way, "how would she like it if it was the other way around?" She said she would be furious! So it seems she wants to have her cake and eat it! One rule for her another for me. ... .it's not fare. I'm now in a hostel, cz my mental health has been in decline and I've been suicidal and cz i split wiv my gf last time I have been homeless. I'm happy I'm wiv her but I want to knw exactly where I stand and she won't give me the answer I want. Dunno what to think or do. Shall I just stay like this and ride it out to see what happens? Or shall I break it off finally cz i can't take it? If I did that though she would flip and go totally of the rails. It's like we help each other stay afloat but at the same time we r pulling each other under :/ any opinions, advice, or just thoughts would b appreciated. Thanks x

[VitaminC]

Hey, Oz, good to hear from you.

It sounds like you're still in a pretty tough space. Well, these things do not resolve quickly, we all know that.

Since you mentioned your own issues in your previous posts, and you refer to them again in your last one, I am wondering what you are doing to take care of yourself? Both physically and mentally you need strength, not just for the relationship but for your own life too!

How is staying in the hostel working out for you? Are you working or what structure does your day have? Do you have any support from anyone in your day to day life? You mentioned you felt suicidal there at some stage - how do you feel now?

Keep talking to us, that's a really good and positive thing. 

 

[heartandwhole]

Hi oz geary,

You have a lot going on, and I certainly understand your questions about staying or leaving the relationship. I know exactly what you mean when you say that you and your girlfriend are keeping each other afloat and at the same time dragging each other under. Hopefully going forward you both will be able to find a balance point, and then tip the scales more toward supporting each other.

Since you are not sure what to do, I'd encourage you to avoid acting just yet. As  Vitamin C has said, your wellbeing is the priority right now. It sounds like you have been feeling low and lacking support. Is that right? That is not a good time to make major decisions, I think.

Keep us posted about how you are doing, oz geary. We care, and want to support you.   

heartandwhole

[oz geary]

She said shes " a free agent " to the girl she slept with. And told me that she had said that. She hasn't said she won't sleep with the girl again. But she says she is straight and she is not looking for a relationship or to sleep around. However, if she wants sex she says she will come to me... .
Where does this leave me? Where the hell do I stand? I only want her and she knws this,,, but does this all make me a free agent too? Am I single or what?

[oz geary]

I have a support worker now and I'm trying to get my mental health sorted. I've been prescribed drugs but I'm not going to take them. I'm in supported accommodation,,, with a view to getting my own place in about 4 to 5 months... .

[VitaminC]

Hi Oz!

That's a confusing situation you are in for sure. Are you single? In your own mind, I think you don't feel single, do you? It's hard to make up our minds when we are waiting on another person to make up theirs and if we let our decision be dependent on theirs.

Sometimes, that's just the way it goes. Sometimes in life, we have fewer choices about what we can do because we are reliant on others. In a job, for instance, it's easy to see how a lot of things are out of our hands. We can always quit, but then we've no money, and have to figure out another way to get it.  Stupid example maybe, but you see what I mean.

Relationships can feel just like that though. Like we really don't have choices, or that they are so extreme and awful to us, that we just don't want to make them. That's understandable, because no one likes pain or sadness or any of that stuff and we work hard to avoid those things. Even sometimes to the point of suffering a lot in order to avoid what we think is going to be a bigger suffering.

I won't philosophise anymore . I think you know all this yourself, but sometimes hearing it put in different ways is helpful. It works for me like that anyway. Sometimes I have to hear things or think about them 20 different ways before I am convinced.

What I am hoping you'll take from this is that whether or not you are single is also very much a choice of your own. You are not powerless in this. Not at all. You could decide, for example, to be single for a while and then see where you're at. And to take that "while" and concentrate on yourself.

Can I ask you a bunch of questions?

You say you've been prescribed medication? What is it, if I may ask? You don't have to answer, of course. Why do you not intend to take them? (My own doc prescribed anti-depressants a couple of months ago, but I also decided not to take them). As for your living situation, is that ok for you? Are you comfortable there? Having your own place will be great, I guess? Do you look forward to that at all? How is the relationship with the support worker? What exactly do they do for you?

[heartandwhole]

However, if she wants sex she says she will come to me... .
Where does this leave me? Where the hell do I stand? I only want her and she knws this,,, but does this all make me a free agent too? Am I single or what?

Hi oz geary,

Lots of confusing messages there, and the title of this thread seems to indicate that your relationship has changed to something more along the lines of sex-buddies/friends with benefits. How do you feel about that—do you think it will work for you, given your feelings about your ex?

I'm glad that you are getting yourself sorted and have some support. It's really important to feel balanced again in your body and mind. Putting the relationship drama on the back burner for now seems like the best move. When you feel better, you'll be able to make better decisions.

I'm sorry this is such a difficult time for you. Keep us posted. We want to know how things are going. 

heartandwhole