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Author Topic: She seduced me back  (Read 395 times)
aristan2000
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 52


« on: July 30, 2016, 08:20:13 PM »

My (ex?) BPD-ex basically maintained minimal contact with me for months. Interaction was limited and she ended up going back with her 10 year old son's father. For a while we weren't speaking at all but she made it a point to come into my workplace with her son and his father even though going there is going out of her way. She was basically parading him in front of me and wouldn't talk to me. One day some people that knew her came in and I refered to her as "crazy." Well, it got back to her quickly and she went into a rage and came into my workplace (I was luckily not there at the time). She told my manager I was badmouthing her and that she's "knock my teeth out." I was reprimanded by my manager for having disparaged her while at work and warned. She ended up sending me a flurry of text messages and we ended up talking and coming to a tentative peace. She continued to come into my workplace as a customer and one day when she came in I smiled right at her. Soon thereafter, she texted me multiple times requesting to talk with me at my house that night. She never specified what she wanted to talk about but she looked fantastic and was dressed sexy. We ended up having sex for the first time ever (we had dated late last year and I had E.D. when we attempted intercourse in December, something I think that angered her) and it was amazing. We messed around a few days later and ended up hanging out and making out quite a few times.  We've kept texting even though I haven't physically seen her in a few weeks.  She texted me two days ago asking if I could get cannabis for her. She claimed it was for her, but I knew it was for this trashy young girl who she hangs out with (My ex is almost 49 and this girl is in her early 20's) I asked if it was for this girl and she claimed it was for her which I know to be untrue since she gets bad anxiety from weed. I told her politely that I couldn't get any (and I really can't right now) and she hasn't communicated with me in two days and I wont call her. She told me at the begininng that she wasnts whatever we have to be on the Q.T for now since she is being evicted and doesn't want her kid's dad knowing. I am annoyed that she has time for this girl but has been avoiding me for weeks. She dissapeared for days a few weeks back and claimed she was in the hospital with "heart problems" but I find this sketchy. I get the distinct feeling she uses me for sex and to get weed. I'm just not going to chase her this time. She also says she has me "pussy whipped" and that she can get me to do anything for her. I don't know how to proceed with all this. On the upside, we've had very little conflict this time and I basically won't engage her if she accuses me of something, where as before I'd argue with her. Any thoughts?
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adventurer
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 224


« Reply #1 on: July 30, 2016, 11:18:08 PM »

My thoughts are you need to be asking yourself some questions.

What do I like about this relationship?
What don't I like about this relationship?
Where do I see this relationship going?
Is that somewhere I want to be going?
How will this relationship add quality to my life?
How could this relationship be detrimental to my life?
Are there needs this woman is filling for me that I should be filling for myself?
What kind of life do I want to live and are the people I am surrounding myself with on a similar path? Will they help or harm me on my journey?
Why be involved with this person instead of the thousands of other women out there?
Is my physical safety, my job/career, my emotional well-being safe when I am involved with this person?
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livednlearned
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #2 on: August 01, 2016, 09:06:40 AM »

I get the distinct feeling she uses me for sex and to get weed.

She may feel that these are things that are meaningful to you, therefore she meets you where you are.

Or... .these are both things that bring her a sense of validation, which are sure bets compared to other attempts she makes.

Either of those seem plausible?

Excerpt
I'm just not going to chase her this time.

Can you say more about what you mean by not chasing her? Are you saying you will let her re-establish the relationship but won't pursue her?

Excerpt
She also says she has me "pussy whipped" and that she can get me to do anything for her. I don't know how to proceed with all this.

Is there any truth to this?
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Breathe.
aristan2000
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 52


« Reply #3 on: August 01, 2016, 12:05:23 PM »

She really isn't a weed smoker as she gets quickly anxious. I do think she sees sex as something that validates her.


Yes, I am letting her do the initiating. Last time we were together she described me as "obsessed" and that I was "smothering" her. This time, I'm trying to avoid that.


Yes, I am trying to please her, but no I wouldn't do everything she tells me, but to a certain extent she is correct.

It's Monday and she still hasn't contacted me btw.

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Jessica84
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 940


« Reply #4 on: August 01, 2016, 12:47:17 PM »

Do you have a relationship outside of sex? As in, do you talk about other things, go places together, share meals, etc? Or does she drop by for sex and disappear until she wants it again?

I guess it is possible she is using you for sex to fill that one need. But if you are doing other things together, chances are there is a real relationship here built on other things, but sex is a bigger part of it for her. As you said, makes her feel validated.
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aristan2000
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 52


« Reply #5 on: August 01, 2016, 02:56:04 PM »

I haven't physically seen her in weeks and haven't had any contact since last Thursday. We have done things outside of sex and hung out in the past. The fact that she still sort of lives with her kid's dad who is only home on weekends. She told me last week that she and he have split up though! I just am upset that she hasn't communicated with me in days!
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Notwendy
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10440



« Reply #6 on: August 03, 2016, 12:01:20 PM »

It may help to be honest with yourself about what kind of relationship you want. On her part, she sees other guys, doesn't interact with you for months, then shows up in your life and the two of you hook up. Then, she doesn't contact you again.

I'm a bit old fashioned, but I recall a time when it was said that there were guys who did this. Love "em and leave "em. Casual sex was just that- casual sex. Women might have sex with them, hoping for more, but got their hearts broken. If a woman also engaged in casual sex, she had a "reputation" . Then the sexual revolution established that both men and woman could have an interest in casual sex. Now, we have the hook up, no strings attached.

For hurt feelings to be avoided, both parties should have the same expectations- that this is sex, and no commitment. Otherwise someone is waiting for the other one to call, or wants more.

This is about you. If you have feelings for her, and she doesn't contact you, and then appears and the two of you hook up, then you are accepting that her behavior is OK. If you are upset that she doesn't contact you, it is perhaps because you have an expectation that there is something more going on. But she is who she is. If you want more of a relationship and she wants a hook up, then there is a discrepancy.

For you to have the kind of relationship you want, you need to decide what that is. For instance, if communication is part of it, and someone doesn't communicate with you, that tells you something. Or you set the boundary with her: I don't hook up with people who don't contact me. Then don't hook up. However, if you want to indulge in the hook up when and if she is interested, then I think accepting that this is who she is could change the expectations.
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