I love her. How to get a diagnosis and treatment.

[CoolThroawayName]

I've been in and on again/off again relationship with a woman I believe has BPD, and she has even brought up the possibility before but wasn't diagnosed, for about 5 years now and we've recently started seeing each other again. We make up, break up, she finds a new boyfriend and I go no contact, but ~6 months later we reconnect slowly, and go back to having an emotional connection along with sex.

This has not been good for my own issues of depression and anxiety, and though I love her, I feel like I'm constantly being replaced. I've read a ton of things about BPD and everything makes sense. Triangulation, the way she'll be the sweetest person to me for a while then say incredibly hurtful things like it's nothing. I just don't know what to do now.

For the past month or so she'll go between me and the new bf, and when I'm with her it seems I'm her entire world. But then she disappears for a while and returns. I haven't asked if the other guy knows about me, and after a period of my own infatuation I'm now realizing this is a pretty crappy thing to do to another person because I've been there before.

I love her immensely and I want what's best for her. She's my best friend in the world and one of the only people that truly gets me. I do want to be with her and try to make this work, although I understand what an awful road this is, but I can't keep doing this to myself and also enabling her like this. I don't want to armchair diagnose her and tell her I think she has BPD, but I have no idea how to get her to get a diagnosis and treatment. What do I do?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

Welcome and thanks for sharing.

Living with a BPD is difficult! I'm sure you know. It sounds like you really love her.

Unfortunately you will probably not be able to help her - she needs to be able to help herself. Certainly telling her she has BPD is bad. The best you can do is to be a strong, stable person she can rely on. The stronger you are, the more she can trust you. This may help her - or it may not - but it will help YOU. A BPD will drain you - you need to be able to keep your strength.

How are you managing you own depression and anxiety? Do you have regular therapy? Hobbies?

[CoolThroawayName]

Thank you for responding. I am always drained by her and my brain tells me to walk away, but my heart tells me to keep trying. I don't know if it'll be worth it for either of us but I'd like to get help for her, even if that means ending whatever it is we have.

I've been in counseling for about a year for my issues, although I'm now realizing my therapist hasn't helped me as much as I feel they could have. I have many hobbies and work on a variety of creative projects in my spare time.

[ArleighBurke]

Love is a strange and powerful drug. It keeps us doing many things we probably shouldn't! I think on this website you'll find many people with the same struggle. But there are tools to help... .

Have you read much on Validation and Boundaries? Both are tools to help you cope, help smooth things, and help her to respect you.

Why do you think you therapist hasn't helped?

[livednlearned]

I'm now realizing my therapist hasn't helped me as much as I feel they could have.

I understand this. I think I could've spared myself two decades of pain had I met the therapist I see now much earlier.

What do you feel is not helping with your current therapist?

One thing that helped turn my boat around is supplementing my therapy with reading about BPD. This helped elevate the therapeutic conversation to more action-oriented approaches that gave me more hope than the typical insight therapy, where I would talk and talk and sometimes have emotional sessions, yet still feel as though I was not seeing positive changes.

If I had to do it all over again, I would pick a T who is trained in DBT, to help me understand one of the evidence-based approaches for BPD so I could at least understand the effect of my habits and behaviors, especially rescuing/fixing tendencies.

[NotThatGuy]

Sometimes therapists can be less than helpful because they are reluctant to engage relationship difficulties except when they're counselling the couple.  At least that's been my experience.  And some of it is just a style thing-- some therapists have the knack for pushing a given individual *just* enough to help them change.  The same therapist might be too aggressive for someone else or, like was the case with my first few therapists, do a great job with the supportive stuff but not be able to help the client/patient make the necessary changes. 

When you've got someone in your life with BPD, you really need a T who can help you work on the concrete skills of validation and setting limits.  The materials here can help a lot, but not as much as an IRL therapist who can work with you on figuring out where your limits are, and what's holding you back from asserting them.

Because, in the end, we can't get our loved ones treatment.  We can support them, reinforce that we think they would benefit (which is usually best done by pointing out problems that they themselves have brought up, and not suggesting a likely diagnosis), we can refuse to enable their more toxic coping strategies, but we can't *make* them get help.  All we can do is work on ourselves and our part of the relationship. 

It *is* possible to learn to stabilize yourself in relationship with someone with BPD, even if you have depression and anxiety that are triggered by your relationship.  I was in a similar situation, and the relationship is forcing me to work on issues I might have otherwise tried to ignore.  That's part of why I've stayed, because I need to do this work for *me*, and leaving the relationship would primarily make my life more comfortable because it would let me ignore things that I'd rather not deal with.  But I'm finding what I hope will be a more stable and sustained recovery from my own mood stuff, as a result of the work I'm doing.  You can use the relationship as a tool to highlight things *you* need to work on to get better. 

If you haven't already, you could try talking to your therapist about what you need from therapy, and feel like you aren't getting.  Many Ts are able to change "modes," and just start out following the client's lead, which can sometimes lead to valuable, but unproductive, insight-oriented therapy.

[CoolThroawayName]

I've been with my therapist for about a year but I don't feel huge strides with her, but rather from my own self-help and practicing healthy mindsets and habits. She tries to help, but I admit I'm not the the easiest person to get to open up even with the idea of no judgement. I've only been going once a month and I'm considering "shopping around" a bit. I actually have an appointment in about an hour so I may tell her it's not really working for me and that maybe we can try a different approach.

This certainly turned into my issues quickly, haha, but I've been thinking more and more about how I feel less stable when I'm apart from her and how toxic it is to me. I'm afraid of losing her again, but I know it's very likely given our past of cycling. Perhaps that's a good start to a conversation; a no-judgement zone of why we constantly do this and if it's something we need to work on together, whether that means getting to the root of our issues or just backing off again before it gets too serious.

Thank you all so much by the way, I wasn't expecting any kind of response.

[ArleighBurke]

Not to sound doom and gloom, but if your partner has BPD then any discussion or agreement about your futures or therapy is likely to be wasted effort. Worst case she's annoyed. Best case she agrees to many things, but then she'll bail on those in the future.

Your best bet is to work on yourself.

Deal with YOUR stuff. Be HONEST with your therepist. It is hard to open up to a stranger - especially when they'll be able to make you see yourself. You'll be naked, vulnerable and scared. That's therepy! But from that you learn, you grow. So TALK to your therepist today. Tell her everything. If she can't help you - THEN walk away. But give it a go first. (If you have trouble opening up then you'll have trouble with the next person too).

The more stable and strong you can be, the greater your ability to help your partner.

[CoolThroawayName]

I talked to my therapist about her today, at the very end so there wasn't much time (oops, I'm an avoider) but we plan on talking about it at length next week. She actually wants her to come with me sometime but I don't know if I could make that happen. We'll see though. I just feel awful having gone back to this when she's still technically with another guy. I want to talk to her soon about us before this gets any further, I'm just not sure how to bring it up. It's not good for either of us. I'm very conflicted. 

[NotThatGuy]

I talked to my therapist about her today, at the very end so there wasn't much time (oops, I'm an avoider) but we plan on talking about it at length next week. She actually wants her to come with me sometime but I don't know if I could make that happen. We'll see though. I just feel awful having gone back to this when she's still technically with another guy. I want to talk to her soon about us before this gets any further, I'm just not sure how to bring it up. It's not good for either of us. I'm very conflicted. 

ahh, avoidance.  Many is the therapy session that I have spent talking about some minor stressor, only to get to the Big Stuff in the last 10 min.  I've found "prepping" for therapy to be helpful-- I write out some of the stuff I know I need to work on, and set an alarm on my phone for about 5 min into the session to remind me to look at it (my therapist is aware, so it doesn't annoy her).  You can also try telling your therapist you know that you tend to do this, and asking her to work on setting some sort of agenda for the visit with you in the beginning. 

And it can be frustrating to be in a relationship with another person who so clearly has difficulty, yet have it all be about "your issues."  Except, of course, your issues are what you can deal with.  By definition, other people's issues aren't something you can directly help.  Being willing to be in a relationship with someone who has BPD traits is usually the product of some less-than-healthy stuff that we each need to work on-- and the relationship itself will leave anybody with plenty of baggage! 

If you want to talk futures with your gf, you need to figure out if an exclusive relationship is important to you, and be honest about that with yourself and with her.  She may not be capable of it at this point in her life.  If she's not, you need to decide whether this is a hard limit for you in the long run, and establish it as a limit if it is. 

[adaw]

I'm going back on therapy tomorrow. She is very anxious and and angry as she knows all her abuse and attacks and bad choices will come to the attention of her therapist as this is the only way I can get her the treatment she needs. At the same time I will get the psychiatric help I need