Soon to be divorced

[anonymous_in_NV]

I am very new here.  Since telling my wife I could not be with her anymore, I have gone to counseling.  My wife always said she had depression and anxiety.  I had done reading in the past on depression and anxiety to cope with my wife, but nothing seemed to fit but I went along with it.  After speaking to my counselor, she brought up that my wife sounded like a pwBPD.  I had never heard of it.  Upon hearing about BPD, I went home and read up on it.  HOLY COW!  The stories were my life.  The article on how a r/s evolves was our story!  While she has never been diagnosed, and am convinced she has it.

During the divorce process, the settlement was completely setup in my favor and she signed it.  She says that she wants to maintain the children's lives and family home, which I will stay in.  There is no alimony and the child support to her is next to nothing.  We both wanted the custody to be 50/50 on paper; however, our arrangement is quite odd.  The children will stay in my home and she will watch them there while I am at work.  I simply cannot afford to live in the family home, pay for all the sports and pay daycare.  Everything she has done during this she claims is for the kids and she can't live without them.  However, I feel like she is quite happy with this arrangement.  She shows up in the morning and leaves when I get home.  She gets her nights and weekends all to herself.  She will help with taking kids to sports at night though.  I feel like this is not going to work for very long.  Am I setting myself up to be miserable?  If we can remain friendly, wouldn't this be better for the kids?

I know that my wife started sleeping around very soon after I told her I wanted a divorce.  The day after I asked, I apologized and said let's work on it.  She never looked back.  I firmly believe that she did in fact get pregnant and ended up getting an abortion.  This may not make sense to you but because I found out on my own and have been learning about BPD, I didn't feel blind sided and too terribly destroyed by this.  I am actually kinda fascinated by the psychology of it.  I love my wife and always will on some level.  She had the worst childhood imaginable and my heart bleeds for her.  I cannot say if she was messing around throughout the marriage.  I don't feel like she was.  During the separation, I could tell when she was lying.  Her behavior was so different I think if she was messing around the entire time I would have noticed in her behavior.

During the settlement process, she said after everything is signed and finalized I need to tell you something.  I know what it is going to be.  On more than one occasion, she has said I love you but am not in love with you right now and that she hopes we might get that back.  This may be her keeping me on the line or not wanting to get rid of that attachment for later.  If she did end up getting an abortion, I think she may not even say anything at all now.  I think she thinks I am totally clueless.  I don't think she knows about BPD either.  I feel like I am one up on her on this whole situation.  Should I keep it all to myself and never bring up what I know?  I know that I can love her unconditionally as a "friend", but I can never be in a r/s with her again.  Should I play dumb to keep her under control?  Should I just let her believe she is in control?  We have 5 kids.  If I tell her what I know and she hates me for accusing her, I think it will change things for the worse.  She has told me on occasion that she hates me, because I make her life hell, and that she doesn't even consider me a friend.  Then she says maybe one day we can be in love again?

I am between a rock and a hard place with this whole thing.  If I allow her to "watch" the kids at my house, I have to see her everyday and rely on her but the kids' lives remain stable.  If I upset her and she leaves and wants the week on week off with the kids I have to get daycare.  Getting daycare means selling the house and moving into a tiny hole of a place and I would imagine an increased child support payment.  When I say "watch" the kids, I am afraid of what is going on when I am not there.  I know she sits on the couch all day on facebook.  She makes the s11 make breakfast for the other 4, clean up breakfast, make lunch, clean up lunch, put d2 down for nap and everything else.  She sits on facebook then naps.  I need to put a stop to this non-parenting but how?  She does not handle confrontation or criticism.  The second you bring up anything of substance she loses her $&%* and always has.

Any suggestions?

[Herodias]

Mine told me maybe we will end up back together when we separated... .then he got someone else pregnant. Even had a scare of someone else being pregnant, but supposedly that one made it up. The other one trapped him. They will move on quickly. How will that make you feel if you catch someone in your home with her? That happened to me as well... .I don't know what to tell you other than think this all through. If you truly want to move on then I would not have her in your house. Things are expensive, but it is not a good reason to stay in a bad situation. I stayed too long afraid I could't make it on my own. I am managing. I didn't want to sell the house and end up in a crappy place either, but  had no choice. Sorry you are in this situation... .I know it stinks to have your life in shambles... .we can only do our best to put it back together one step at a time. You have children to think about, that makes it more difficult. I hope you can figure out the best choices for everyone. You will have to be the decision maker unfortunately, because the pwBPD will always try and get away with as little responsibility as possible.

[Panda39]

The way I see it you're divorced but you're not free your ex is too involved in your life because she still essentially lives in your home.

I would not have her in your home taking care of your children.  To me it muddies the waters.  Yes you will always have a relationship with her because you share children but otherwise the relationship between you is over and in my opinion you both should be letting go of your relationship.  Her coming over and playing house doesn't seem to be doing that, to me she seems too involved in your life and she's using the kids to stay in your life.

I would also be uncomfortable having her in my house when I am not their.  What if you start dating in the future?  How would she handle that? Would her being in your life keep you from dating either because you'd worry about being punished and then her not taking care of the kids, or because you are too involved with the ex emotionally and if what about a potential future partner what would they think?

Beyond having her in your life, her care of your children doesn't even sound very good based on your description. Would daycare be better and more enriching for your kids? If custody is 50/50 then 1/2 of their care would be up to mom and 1/2 of their care would be up to you.  Could you keep the house and put the kids in daycare 3 days a week(vs 5 days)  and they spend the other 2 days at their moms? Is a nanny a possibility? Do you live near any family that could pitch in?... .Just throwing some ideas out there... .

I echo Herodias's comment... .
"Things are expensive, but it is not a good reason to stay in a bad situation."

My SO (I'm here because of his uBPDxw) is in a 2 bedroom apartment with his 2 daughters.  When he first left his ex things were extremely tight financially but over time that has eased due to his hard work.  Would his daughters love their own rooms instead of sharing one yes... .but they have a roof over their heads, food in their stomachs, clothes on their backs... .their needs are being met and these days they get many of their wants as well.

[OutOfEgypt]

If she really is a pwBPD, it is in your best interests to find ways to separate your lives as much as possible.  She will fight this and do whatever she can to insert herself into your life.  She'll want to watch the kids at your house.  She'll invent some kind of emergency or drama where she needs you to rescue her.  She'll say she wants to work on things.  She'll try to seduce you.  If she truly is BPD, that is what you have ahead of you.  The more you try to break free, the more she will come around to find ways to insert herself back in, or to "check your pulse" to see if you will still let her back in whenever she wants, on her terms, of course.

When I divorced, I kept the house, too.  I wound up paying a lot of child and spousal support, however, and money was tight.  But I still held onto it.  I wanted there to be stability for the kids, and I don't think that was wrong.  But now, a few years later, I'm remarried and we just sold the house and moved into a new house, and I wish I had done it sooner.  Stability isn't primarily found in a building.  It is found in people, parents.  

Here are a few reasons why letting go of the old house can be a good thing:
1. It's one more thing that keeps you tied to her.  You will always have the kids, but why add more?  For me, I also had to give my ex a piece of the sale proceeds.  That was another reason I held onto the house.  However, now that I sold it, I can't tell you how good it feels to have that handled and done.
2. If she's like my ex, she will periodically remind you (and perhaps any new love interest YOU have) that it is, or was, hers.  I remember my ex stating to my fiancee (we're now married), "Nice flowers.  Oh, look.  That's my vase!"
3. When you do get to the point of wanting to find a new partner, probably no woman will like that it was the home you shared with your ex-wife.  That's just weird and uncomfortable.

This is a tough situation.  You have to weigh the importance and make some hard decisions.  Is having her for child-care in that strange situation and keeping the house more important than establishing your own stable life, for yourself and for the kids?  I always felt that my ex wanted two things... .to keep herself in my life on *her* terms and to have her cake and eat it, too.  Is that what your soon-to-be ex is doing, too?  Kinda sounds like it.

She makes the s11 make breakfast for the other 4, clean up breakfast, make lunch, clean up lunch, put d2 down for nap and everything else.  She sits on facebook then naps.

This certainly jumped out at me because it is *exactly* how my ex is and was.  To me, this is a huge reason to put a stop to this situation.  My daughter, who is now 17, was put in that position for a few years, and she has been in counseling to work through the deep resentment she has.  It isn't just that she struggles with resenting her mom.  She also struggles with resenting and hating her younger sibling because of this, even though she knows it isn't their fault.  She has even struggled with resenting *me* because I didn't stop it sooner.  She was 10 and 11 when it happened.  Bad, bad situation.  To me, this is most important, WAY more important than where you live.  Looking back, if there is one thing I wish I had tended to better, it is this.  I wish I had not delayed in addressing situations like this.  

It is terrible how people like this pour so much hurt and anger into the lives of those they are supposed to love.

Just to let you know how the story has gone for me.  I had 50/50 at the beginning, as well.  Eventually, my oldest daughter got fed up with going to her mom's.  She was done being her caretaker and daycare provider.  She was done with her mom's manipulation and how her mom never listened when she would try to tell her how she felt.  Just recently, my youngest came around, too.  She may see her mom here or there, maybe once or twice a month, but they both live with me by their own choice.  My ex finally decided not to fight it.

[anonymous_in_NV]

Thank you everyone.

We have been divorced 12 days now.  For the most part, she is happy.  I even feel happy.  There have been a few meltdowns but I instigated them, not on purpose .  To me, this is a crazy situation.  She is not making me miserable right now.  Basically, it feels like we are still married, but don't have to worry about the drama of fighting nonstop.  I am establishing boundaries one by one and I hope she respects them.  I gave her one, she melted down, the next day = better.

The problem is long term.  I have no interest in being in a r/s with anyone right now.  I don't even know anyone and it is hard to meet people anyway.  If she isn't making life hell, why not just go with it as long as s11 and I can come up with a plan to get her to help more in the mornings. 

I have only lived in the home for 1 year.  If things aren't miserable, I think I can make it work so I don't have to pay taxes on the sale which would be quite significant.  How attached would I be to her in that time is what I worry.  I worry I will be losing her all over again if I wait and be miserable again.  I don't want her back but she is my only friend and I really enjoy her company and she isn't taking advantage of me other than having some of her stuff still at the house.  She doesn't ask for money yet and promised she wouldn't.

If she isn't making me miserable and I accept who she is and what she does on her free time, is this still a mistake?  I know it has only been 12 days but it isn't like it was when we were married.  If it becomes that way, then I could always set a boundary that I can't be there for her like I used to be. 

I have noticed that the whole situation still consumes my every thought all day every day.  I suppose this will never go away as long as we are entangled.

[Panda39]

12 days isn't long.  Right now with the divorce just complete, the tension has lessened so you both feel relieved and happy, but if my SO's uBPDxw is any example your ex will go right back to her old behavioral patterns.

 I am establishing boundaries one by one and I hope she respects them.   Honestly, do you think this is likely?  PwBPD can be big boundary busters. Are you able and willing to defend your boundaries, because I think it will be highly unlikely that she will "respect" your boundaries.  What has her behavior been in the past because in my experience you can expect more of the the same.

Basically, it feels like we are still married, but don't have to worry about the drama of fighting nonstop. How do you think this will this change? Having a piece of paper that says your divorced is not going to change her behaviors you might be able to have her removed from your house but again I would not expect her behaviors to change.

I know I sound really negative here and everyone's life is their own but I personally think this isn't a very healthy decision. Why do you want to be this entangled with someone that you had a relationship bad enough with to get divorced.  I had to live with my ex (not BPD) for 6 months while our townhouse meandered it's way through a short sale back during the housing bubble.  It was very uncomfortable, I couldn't wait to leave and was a huge lesson in patience.

It's sounds like this arrangement is working for you at the moment but I encourage you not to get too comfortable with it because you might find yourself just as trapped as you were in your marriage.

You are getting something out of this... .daycare... .companionship... .some control (since the house is yours)... .
Is this arrangement about your own fears? 

Panda39