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Author Topic: How to better respond  (Read 776 times)
Lost_Kayaker

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« on: August 05, 2016, 06:40:07 AM »

So last night as my partner and I are going to bed she notices some bruises on my right shoulder. These bruises came from her over the weekend. Her thought was I didn't put those bruises on you, you must have gotten them from cheating on me. After talking with my therapist about our rough weekend she taught me a method for deescalating situations (mirror, validate, and empathy). I tried this method when I felt the false accusation. It went something like this

Her: Where did the bruises on your shoulder come from?
Me: If I have bruises on my shoulder they must be from you.
Her: If I had made those bruises they would have shown up earlier.
Me: What I hear you saying is that because I have bruises on my shoulder I must be cheating on you.
Her: Yes
Me: So you really think I'm cheating on you.
Her: Please don't make me answer that again.
Me: Ok, I can see how you thinking I'm cheating on you would make you feel unhappy, upset, unloved, discarded, worried, and unwanted.
Her: Uh-huh
Me: I can understand how if you thought I was cheating on you how that would make you feel unhappy, upset, unloved, discarded, worried, and unwated.
Her: You just validated my feelings. Then I must need to worry about what you're doing.

So today it is continuing. If I JADE I lose. If I mirror, validate, and empathize I lose. Is there something I could have better done here to appease this situation? It didn't escalate, but her thoughts are still that I'm cheating on her and that's why the bruises are there.

It's so frustrating to know that the bruises came from her, and that she is using me cheating on her as a way not to have to come to terms with the fact that the bruises are from her.
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jrharvey
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« Reply #1 on: August 05, 2016, 08:55:37 AM »

It sounds way too scripted. She may realize that your reading from a script and its not really heartfelt. If she feels like its insincere then she will negatively react. After I told my GF about what I learned she actually used it against me by saying I was just doing and saying things to stop a fight. I had to learn to say the same things but word it in a way that I would normally talk.

Try SET (support empathy truth). You started out well by giving support/validating then showing empathy but it never made it to the truth. The truth is you were not cheating right? Then you need to at least finish by telling her that you are not cheating. After that do not JADE.

If she has BPD it may take some time for her emotions to calm down but eventually they will.

Last night my GF asked me a question twice while she was watching a show on TV. I was cleaning up the kitchen and didn't hear her so I couldn't answer. She got pretty upset and emotional and was about to blow up. She was saying she felt stupid, disrespected unloved and all kinds of things. I tried SET while she was emotional. Wont work. She actually wont hear anything you say and her brain might have even heard "blah blah blah your stupid, ugly and worthless".  About an hour later she came in trying to start something again but I used SET again by saying... .

I understand how you could feel disrespected by that. It makes sense that you would feel that way when you think I am ignoring you.
If I was asking you a question several times and you didn't answer I would feel the same. (I would never act like that but don't say that Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)). I would feel disrespected and hurt by that.
The truth is I didn't hear you say anything. The TV was loud and I was focused on cleaning. I had no idea this was going on and you felt that way until it was too late. I would have never tried to ignore you on purpose. I love you and would never want to make you feel unheard.

She walked over and hugged me while putting her head on my shoulder. Then she said she was so sorry for overreacting. Then apologized for getting upset with me.
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jrharvey
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« Reply #2 on: August 05, 2016, 09:03:24 AM »

Also... .Are the bruises from violence or passionate love?
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Lost_Kayaker

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« Reply #3 on: August 05, 2016, 09:10:56 AM »

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

The shoulder bruises were not from passionate love.

I can see where I went wrong by not telling her that I wasn't cheating on her. I was trying to completely stay away from seeming like I was Defending myself for her accusation as that has ended in very bad places between us (like the shoulder bruises). It's a real struggle to learn how and what you can say.

It seems like you never get to stop Walking on Eggshells... .
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jrharvey
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« Reply #4 on: August 05, 2016, 09:36:49 AM »

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

The shoulder bruises were not from passionate love.

I can see where I went wrong by not telling her that I wasn't cheating on her. I was trying to completely stay away from seeming like I was Defending myself for her accusation as that has ended in very bad places between us (like the shoulder bruises). It's a real struggle to learn how and what you can say.

It seems like you never get to stop Walking on Eggshells... .

Ok. Your first priority is keeping yourself safe. If she is violent with you then you have a responsibility to get out of that situation. Im not saying you have to leave the relationship but you need to keep yourself safe first before trying to improve anything else.

You haven't said much but I bet your in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. SHE is the abuse yet trying to make you feel at fault?

Id recommend this book. Read it as fast as possible. The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing.

Audible
www.audible.com/pd/Self-Development/The-Emotionally-Abusive-Relationship-How-to-Stop-Being-Abused-and-How-to-Stop-Abusing-Audiobook/B008R2UISC?ref_=audlib-pd-LIBRARY-grid

Also codependent no more.
www.audible.com/pd/Self-Development/Codependent-No-More-Audiobook/B002V8H88G?ref_=audlib-pd-LIBRARY-grid

I am not an expert and Im fairly new here but I think the difference between stating the truth and JADE is that when you JADE it is just a repeat and ends in circular arguments. I use to JADE a lot. I would JADE for hours and hours and hours. Sometimes days and things would get out of control just like in your relationship.

YOU DO GET TO STOP WALKING ON EGGSHELLS. There is a way. It has nothing to do with her changing. Its actually by taking the power back in your life. Go back to loving yourself and realizing what she is doing is wrong and abusive. You stop walking on eggshells when you stop becoming codependant and trying to fix her or trying to manage her emotions. When you walk on eggshells your basically trying to manage her feelings but maybe you don't realize that you just being alive is enough to set her off. Once you realize its actually her own disorder that is causing this and not at all your fault a lot of the stress and anxiety goes away. NOT ALL but a lot of it.

I would also recommend mindfulness for yourself.
 
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SweetCharlotte
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« Reply #5 on: August 05, 2016, 10:08:51 AM »

jrharvey has taken the words out of my mouth in all of his posts here. Validation doesn't mean accepting blame for something you did not do, so one should end by speaking one's truth succinctly (I did not cheat).

Validation helps with emotional abuse, but not with physical abuse. With physical abuse, you need boundaries. How will you react the next time she begins to hit or beat you? How will you be sure you and the child (and maybe your dog) are safe? It may involve having her arrested, because it would be hard to evacuate the premises with son and dog in tow before she begins to land blows.
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Lost_Kayaker

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« Reply #6 on: August 05, 2016, 10:13:24 AM »

Yes, I feel that I am in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship.

She does try and put it on me. Just like the bruising on my shoulder. I didn't do it so he must have gotten it from someone else. Which isn't anywhere near the truth. That was her way of trying to absolve her guilt from the situation.

I worked through some of this with my T last night. That's where I learned the new tool that I tried to put into place last night. I know that some of that sounded scripted, but I'm new to it and it has to begin somewhere. Normally, the conversation we had last night would have ended very poorly and maybe with even more bruising, but not last night. I guess that's some progress.

As for walking on eggshells, I don't feel that I will ever be done there. I will always (as long as we are together) have to be hyper vigilant about how I handle her emotions. Watch what I say and how I say it. Always wondering when the next accusation or far flung feeling is going to come from. I guess though that what you are saying is those things will bother me less once I'm in a happier place?
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Lost_Kayaker

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« Reply #7 on: August 05, 2016, 10:20:47 AM »

I have a change of clothes for me in the car. My dog meets me at the door. He wants to leave so bad sometimes. I've tried to deal with these situations in many ways.

I try to leave by myself, and she blocks the doorways. This leads to me feeling trapped (or even held hostage.) as I can't leave the house without getting past her.

I've called the cops, and the last time that I called the cops I had very clear audio of her threatening to kill me. They told me that either I could leave, or they were going to take us both to jail and give our son to CPS. I had no choice but to leave for the evening.

It's sad that I am 80 pound bigger than her, and the cops don't think that she could be hurting me. It's unfair and unjust. I'm trying to learn when she gets to that trigger point, and trying to get out before it gets there. I'm unable to leave with the child during those times as he is asleep by then, and I don't think it's right to wake him.

In talking with my T one of my goals is to better establish and maintain my boundaries. No physical violence from my partner used to be a boundary. I let it slide once she had my baby, and I shouldn't have. I have tried working it into her head that I won't stand for physical violence in my life anymore. We'll see if she actually hears that, or if I do have to do more to protect myself.
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jrharvey
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« Reply #8 on: August 05, 2016, 10:25:06 AM »

Excerpt
As for walking on eggshells, I don't feel that I will ever be done there. I will always (as long as we are together) have to be hyper vigilant about how I handle her emotions. Watch what I say and how I say it. Always wondering when the next accusation or far flung feeling is going to come from. I guess though that what you are saying is those things will bother me less once I'm in a happier place?

You will one day. Its called radical acceptance. You accept that she has a disorder. You accept that there is nothing you can do to fix her. You accept that she will blame you for her issues. You STOP trying to please her. You STOP trying to walk on eggshells. You put your safety and dignity first. You put up strong boundaries and tell her you aren't going to do be abused anymore.

First step before putting up boundaries is asking yourself... .If you say no to the abuse and she gets angry and leaves will you be ok with that? If your not trying to please her and she gets pissed and leaves the relationship will you be ok? You need to be able to stand up for yourself no matter what she says or does. Do NOT let her emotionally blackmail you. She may even say this relationship is done and walk out trying to scare you into going back to pleasing her. You cannot give in.

Are you in danger? Do you feel safe? 1st thing is first and make sure you are safe. Do you have a way to protect yourself? Are you male or female?
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Lost_Kayaker

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« Reply #9 on: August 05, 2016, 11:48:50 AM »

The last time that the relationship got to the point where I got punched in the face I left for a month. I told her that I would not ever live with physical violence again. I come from a childhood of physical abuse, and had a previous girlfriend with tendencies towards violence. I set the boundary last time that if I was ever abused out of anger again by her I would leave. I tried that earlier this week. When I went to pack my things; however, she did everything in her power to make sure that I couldn't pack anything. She would rip the bag I was packing out of my hands, throw my clothes on the floor, and proceed to sit on them.

The only thing that brings me back to the relationship is my son. I have a strong desire to protect him from her. Making people outside of the relationship believe me (i.e. the cops, her friends and family) is another story. I don't think at this time that she would physically harm our son, but I think the damage that she is capable of mentally is a big issue for me. If she or I do leave what's to stop her from finding someone else to do this (emotional and physical abuse) to? To continue the acts of violence against  another person in front of my son? Just because I remove myself from the situation doesn't mean that he still won't see that in his life. I would enjoy the opportunity though for him to see me as I truly am, and not as she tries to make me be. Which is why I have such an issue with the violence.

I'm a male so the cards aren't in my favor when it comes to the abuse issue. I feel that if I were to leave though she would start working towards a DV case against me. Just to try and keep my son away from me. She has actually even threatened this.

I feel stuck, alone, unsafe, and beaten down. I don't have the emotional strength to heal and to deal with the things being presented to me by my partner. I know that it's probably going to get worse before it gets better, but I don't know that I have enough left for it to get worse.

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jrharvey
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« Reply #10 on: August 05, 2016, 11:59:54 AM »

Excerpt
I'm a male so the cards aren't in my favor when it comes to the abuse issue. I feel that if I were to leave though she would start working towards a DV case against me. Just to try and keep my son away from me. She has actually even threatened this.

Get proof. You have a recording already. Get a hidden video cam. Get proof to show a judge. Next time she rages get your smartphone and record her. Maybe she will flip out. Even better to keep evidence. At least your strong enough to keep her from really hurting you so that's good. The system is screwed up. Most people don't accept that men get physically abused as well and even worse we get abused by the system again when she sets you up for false charges.

Your boundaries are too soft. You need to set a boundary before it escalates to violence. Learn to walk away way before it gets that bad. Id get as much evidence as you can and also consult a lawyer so you can take your son and safely remove you both from that violence and abuse.
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SweetCharlotte
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« Reply #11 on: August 05, 2016, 12:02:28 PM »

I'm a male so the cards aren't in my favor when it comes to the abuse issue. I feel that if I were to leave though she would start working towards a DV case against me. Just to try and keep my son away from me. She has actually even threatened this.

You have the bruises to prove it. You should at least take photos of them.
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Lost_Kayaker

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« Reply #12 on: August 05, 2016, 12:26:15 PM »

In the abusive situation I'm in going to see a lawyer is going to cause her to rage. Which isn't going to help my son or I. She is vigilant about watching what I do, and where I go. I can't even go to the bathroom without the what are you doing comment. I can't even call a lawyer, because she checks my phone records to see who I've talked to. I don't know why I care what she thinks though. By seeing the lawyer I would be providing benefits to both myself and our son. Why is it so hard to break through the FOG and abuse? I think writing here, and getting help through this forum is helping me to realize what are the REAL things that I need to be concerned with. I'm going to have to think about how I could talk to a lawyer without an eruption. I need to care less about what she is going to do if I do something that she doesn't like, but I know is a healthy option.

I know that my boundaries are too soft. I let them slide when she was pregnant with our son, and I've had a real issue trying to set them back into place. When I do see it escalating to that point I try to walk away. This sets into motion her blocking exits to the house, standing in front of the stairwells, and all around making it difficult to leave. She feels that when she is that way that I have to stay until she is done raging which is very unhealthy. She doesn't see the escalation happening, and she thinks that I am just walking away from her. Recently, I've even tried making it about how I'm getting escalated and need to leave. To which I hear it hasn't even escalated yet, and you are already leaving.  

I have a journal that I have sporadically kept for the past couple of months now, and I have a new one that I got from my T that I write the things that happen in my week in so I know what to talk to her about. I'm trying to get the most information that I can in order to protect myself. I do have videos of the door blocking, her sitting on my clothes, but I've never been able to actually get a video of her pushing, shoving, or putting her hands around my throat. I do however have sound recordings of some of our fights where she has threatened to kill me (which I know was said out of anger.)



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jrharvey
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« Reply #13 on: August 05, 2016, 01:00:53 PM »

Why are you so scared of her raging? I think its time to accept that things are not going to get better by doing what your currently doing. I would honestly try and talk to the police or a lawyer about what would happen if you took yourself and your kid to safety. You need a place to go and protect your child if you put up a boundary. Can you call from your work or something? Are you allowed to go anywhere without her knowing or will she flip out?
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SweetCharlotte
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« Reply #14 on: August 05, 2016, 01:24:57 PM »

You can buy a prepaid cell phone. That's what drug dealers do.
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Lost_Kayaker

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« Reply #15 on: August 05, 2016, 01:32:04 PM »

I'm scared because at times because there is the possibility that if she rages it leads to violence, or threats to take our son away from me. I am scared that if she does rage, and she decides to call the cops for DV I will go to jail. I am the man, and that is how the system is setup. I've talked to officers multiple times after things have escalated, and I've tried to do things the way that they have told me. Such as when she is blocking the steps, the officer told me to pick her up and mover her out of my way (of course not in a violent manner, but he said I have a right to get out). She gets more fierce though, and even more violent when I'm trying to get to safety. I need to grow a pair and stop letting this little woman walk all over me.

I can't leave the house without her. If I'm 5 minutes late from work, I get asked who I stopped to see on my way home. I have a hard time getting out of the house without her, and it only happens when she has the need for me to leave. I need to stop letting myself be a victim. I need to stand up for my needs, and stop letting the dysfunction control my life.

I have accepted the fact that things aren't going to change without serious work. I have my own therapist, and I have us set up for marriage counseling. I'm still very nervous about the marriage counseling though. We tried that almost a year ago, and that only validated her corrupt thoughts. The therapist didn't understand what he was dealing with, and it ended up almost costing me my employment. The blame was directed at me, and we never learned how to appropriately deal with disagreements when we have them.

What boundary can I use to help regulate the violence. I have tried setting a boundary for the violence, but my T said she has extreme abandonment issues from one of the videos I shared with her. The one where she is sitting on my clothes and not allowing me to pack my things to leave.

I have thought about a prepaid cellphone and at one point I had one. She found out about it, and that caused problems in our relationship too. She thought I was trying to use it to cheat on her. This is the ongoing theme in our relationship. She is so hyper-vigilant about not being cheated on that she sabotages our relationship with what she does.
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Lost_Kayaker

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« Reply #16 on: August 05, 2016, 01:33:43 PM »

Saying the things that I have on here are making me wake up to what is really happening to me in my life. I thank you guys for that. Taking the time to type out what has happened makes it more real than it having happened to me. For that I am greatly appreciative.
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« Reply #17 on: August 05, 2016, 01:43:43 PM »

Saying the things that I have on here are making me wake up to what is really happening to me in my life. I thank you guys for that. Taking the time to type out what has happened makes it more real than it having happened to me. For that I am greatly appreciative.

Sometimes in an abusive relationship you need the support of others to snap you back to reality. The abuser does their best to distort your reality and isolate you from anyone that may help you change for the better.
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« Reply #18 on: August 05, 2016, 02:22:06 PM »

I've talked to officers multiple times after things have escalated, and I've tried to do things the way that they have told me. Such as when she is blocking the steps, the officer told me to pick her up and mover her out of my way (of course not in a violent manner, but he said I have a right to get out).

I'm surprised that the police would say it's good to pick her up and remove her when she is blocking your path during a dispute. Personally, I would not touch the other person; I'd call the police and stay where I am until she moves out of the way.

Blocking your exit is considered physical violence in and of itself. Once she does this, you can have her arrested. I don't think you should risk incriminating yourself by trying to move her. Take deep breaths, remember you are bigger and stronger, and let her block you while you calmly call for help. Document it as best you can.
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Lost_Kayaker

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« Reply #19 on: August 05, 2016, 02:47:14 PM »

Thank you for that advice. I never thought that barring the path would be considered violence, but next time I will document it, stay calm, and call for the big boys to do their job. I have called them for this in the past, and that when that advice was given to me. Looking back at it, it wasn't as good advice as I thought it was at the time.

During that time, the officer again made me leave even after hearing about her barring my path. Maybe, it was because I was trying to leave. I'm not sure the motivation.

Your advice SC does sound much better than what the cop told me.
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« Reply #20 on: August 05, 2016, 03:40:30 PM »

Police don't always give the best advice when it comes to domestic violence. They tell you to do what would make their jobs easier.
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« Reply #21 on: August 07, 2016, 02:31:59 AM »

Hi Lost_Kayaker,

This is a really tough situation, and I feel for you. It can be so exhausting to feel you have to watch everything you say and do in order to avoid conflict. I commend you for making an effort to improve the marriage and keep your son safe. That is a good thing to do. In my view, however, you shouldn't have to sacrifice your values and physical safety in an effort to keep a partner stable.

I understand how you could feel trapped in this situation, especially as you want to protect your son. Please remember that your behavior and actions, right now, are teaching your son how to be. I know you don't want him to grow up believing that being abused is "normal."   

You've said it has been a challenge to keep your boundary around physical violence. What can you do today that will help you set a boundary that you can keep, Lost_Kayaker? Some ideas I had that may or may not work for you are:
  • call a local DV hotline for information, especially about protecting your child
  • start documenting the harm to your body in case you need it for legal purposes later
  • confide in a good friend to be your ally in the event you feel trapped again (use a safe word and plan action that your friend will implement for you if you can't, etc.)
Here is information about domestic violence against men that will give you more ideas:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87480.0

As you said, you are realizing that things need to change for you and your son. It's so hard to see when you are in it. But we "out here" are watching and listening. We'll walk with you through this.

heartandwhole

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« Reply #22 on: August 07, 2016, 11:19:27 PM »

We are often so afraid that the use of T (truth) wil be a trigger, we avoid using it (walking on eggshells) if we do use it the we fear going into JADE, by trying to fustify it and back it up, and thereby diluting it and provide the other person with a battleground to fight on.

However we have a right to our truth, "that is not what I did/meant/intended" etc. What you dont need to do is sell it or convince anyone else. To have aired our view is empowering, even if it does create a reaction, the trick then is not to fuel the reaction and STOP. You have said it that is enough.

If you do not say your truth then that gives someone else the opening to make assumptions as you are inviting them to guess. Someone who is severely insecure will not trust, or respect, anyone who does not clearly say their truth and they will assume the worst (catastrophize).

Believe it or not pwBPD can respect people who are clear, concise and consistent with their truth, even if they dont like it and initially react. However, they quickly get over short sharp realities. Its black and white, and that is their language.

pwBPD often loathe the very people they create, as those people are not showing the steadfastness the pwBPD lack and require in others. Almost like they test people and if they fold, they fail. How do you test the strength of anything? You try to break it. That is how you find boundaries and limits.
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Lost_Kayaker

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« Reply #23 on: August 08, 2016, 08:16:18 AM »

I thank you guys for your replies, and for the guidance that I am receiving here. She left for the weekend, and that just showed me how much fear I do have while being involved in this relationship. She wasn't even home, and I didn't feel like I could go see friends, family, or anyone. I didn't feel like I could do anything. All because I was worried of the fallout that would happen if I talked to, did something, or just wasn't at home...

I hate that my life is like this. I hate that my son gets to see this. I hate that she leaves me, and I don't feel like I have any sense of self while she is gone. I know that it takes time to work through the fear and the guilt, but I don't know how to work on me while I feel this fear and guilt that isn't just perceived but is a real physical threat.

One thing that I will talk to my T about this week will be this post. How I can start to get over the fear that is holding me back from being the person that I want to be. I know that this will be through boundaries and limits, and taking back the life that I'm scared of having because of the turmoil that it causes.

How do you start that change of not being fearful, and start living your life while still trying to brace for impact?
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jrharvey
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 301


« Reply #24 on: August 08, 2016, 08:57:03 AM »

Excerpt
How do you start that change of not being fearful, and start living your life while still trying to brace for impact?

I use to feel like this too. You have to realize that what your doing is actually trying to control her emotions and reactions by changing your own. Come to accept the fact that no amount of changing yourself will help. As you can see you don't do anything anymore and she still acts like this. Its not logical and changing your actions will not change her. She has a disorder and you cant fix it on your own.

My change happened when I realized that I would rather be free and happy than in an abusive relationship. I came to accept the fact that she could choose to leave or stay but it was going to start being on my terms. I decided my boundaries were more important than keeping her around. I started putting up boundaries and she faught and threatened leaving and all kinds of things. Well, she is still here. All of her threats and rages were empty. She never had the strength to leave on her own. I gave her the power to control me. I let her do all those things. She never had any power. Once I took that power away and let her walk out the door and stopped being scared of losing her then everything changed. She realized she would actually have to try. She would have to change to be in this relationship.

I know you have a kid which complicates things but if you can get to a place where you feel like your kid is safe and you have enough evidence in case it goes to court then I would start strongly holding boundaries.
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Lost_Kayaker

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 18


« Reply #25 on: August 08, 2016, 09:24:50 AM »

Thanks for that JR. That is the goal that I need to work on. I have to be ready to lose it all. To recognize that it isn't all on me to change, and expect that change to fix anything in the relationship. To be ready to call her bluffs when she threatens me with things that I know she won't follow through on.

Then to be ready for the bursts as all of this changes.

My list of things that I need to work on grows by the minute when I'm on here talking to you guys, and that is the most I've thought about what I want to change (not about what she wants change.)
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Woolspinner2000
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2007



« Reply #26 on: August 08, 2016, 11:39:31 AM »

Hi Lost Kayaker!

Thank you for keeping us informed as to how you are doing. We are all here to walk alongside of you.

I am very glad that you are seeing a T. Have you been able to share with your T about the fear you are experiencing in this relationship? When I've been able to voice my fear to my T, it helps to loosen the hold on me that I cannot tell anyone about it. By bringing it out into the light this way, it can help you to feel a bit more empowered and less trapped.

Fear is a mighty powerful tool that can hold us in its power!  I know and have lived it for over 30 years in my marriage. I have finally come to realize that I don't have to be afraid anymore, and that was only since the beginning of the year that I have grabbed and held onto this truth. Something happened within me that caused me to realize what my DH was doing (keeping me in fear) but that I don't have to yield to that anymore. Perhaps the biggest step to recognizing this was when I began to believe that I was and am important. Yes he still gets upset with me. Yes he tries to control me. I am not obligated to yield to his desires. My thoughts and desires and needs are important too, because I am an individual who is as much a part of the marriage as he is. He doesn't and will not acknowledge this, but inside of me, I know the truth now and truth is leading me to freedom. 

You can only change yourself and what you think about yourself. It takes baby steps, but you ARE important and worth value. Are you able to see that you have inherent value?

  
Wools
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There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.  -C.S. Lewis
Lost_Kayaker

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 18


« Reply #27 on: August 10, 2016, 07:01:08 AM »

So the first MC session was good for me. I got to see how the conversations break down in an environment with someone who was better able to help keep things under control. I got to view our dynamic in a whole new way. I got to see the dysfunction for the first time and not get caught up in it. If the conversations we had at the T had happened at home they would have escalated to much higher heights. It felt empowering to not have to be fearful of the perceived reactions.

I have a feeling that we will only see this T for a short time though, because they are fair. The T helps to break things down in a way that shows that there are two views to the story, and that neither of the views are "correct".

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