Should I play dumb?

[anonymous_in_NV]

I will be divorced soon.  Right now our r/s is going good with a few hiccups via text over the weekend.  We have children so we have to deal with each other.  I believe she is uBPD and I don't think she has even heard of BPD.  Since separating, I know she has been with other men perhaps even during the marriage.  Since the separation, I have been learning about BPD and it has really helped me from losing my mind.  It has really helped explain my failed marriage and why she so quickly went to another man.  Learning about BPD has really made it not personal for me and I am grateful for that.

With that being said, she is hiding the fact of her being with another.  She claims she will be alone forever.  While she may not actually be in a r/s with him other than casually, I think she will not tell me about it.

Should I even say anything and play dumb?  If she is just going to deny it or lie about it, what is the point of even saying anything at all especially if it might trigger her to meltdown?  Because we have kids and she says she wants us to get along, I sometimes think that if I question her about it the r/s will take a turn for the worse.  If we are divorced, what difference would it even make?  Shouldn't I just go along to get along for the sake of the children?  Is this a bad approach?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

I think you've answered you own question... .

What will you gain by confronting her about it?

If she had BPD, then I suspect that she will try to drag you into any arguement/drama. Whatever games she wants to play - you need to be the bigger person. You don't need to "be right" - so refuse to play.

[anonymous_in_NV]

So just this morning we were texting and she said she ruined our marriage and that she was a bad person.  I asked if she was a bad person throughout our marriage or because she moved out several months ago.  She sad "All".  The backstory is is that we got separated and she began seeing someone, I of course found out but she doesn't know that.  Since separating we are probably a week from being officially divorced.  We have 5 kids so we still have to see each other.  She has repeatedly said she wants to be friends and that someday we may find each other again.  Quite frankly, I am very tempted by this prospect.

So how do I know she is seeing someone?  1.) Well, she left new lingerie around the house when I confronted her she said it was for our anniversary present.  The credit card shows she but it weeks after our anniversary after we separated.  2.) I saw sex toy purchases on our joint Amazon account.  3.)  Don't judge me, I read through some of her facebook messages where she admitted to a guy she was seeing someone, although casually.

I have been reading here that pwBPD have promiscuous affairs and will deny and lie about it through their marriage.  The thing is, in that facebook message to that guy the conversation wasn't what I would have expected.  He was begging for nude photos and to hook up and why she stopped texting him.  She responded that she didn't want to send photos to someone she wasn't dating or seeing and that she didn't want to text him because she thought it was inappropriate to text someone she liked while working on her marriage (we were separated).  Wouldn't that conversation have gone much differently if she was promiscuous?  Why even bother saying it was inappropriate to text someone she was interested in while trying to work on her marriage?

This morning, after the text about being a bad person during the marriage and after separation, I called her and flat out asked if she had any affairs while married.  She said no and I could tell she was disappointed and she said goodbye.  I called her back and we talked a lot about how we felt.  I told her I still wish to be her friend for the kids' sake and that I am interested in the thought of being together again.  She ended it by saying "I have never cheated on you or wanted to.  A few seconds of sex is not worth a marriage.  I believe in honor."

I feel trapped.  If I believe her facebook message, then she does believe in marriage and didn't want to mess around on me but she lied this morning about what happened after the separation.  I could understand lying about what happened after the separation though.  You move out thinking it is what you want.  You meet someone, have lots of sex, realize you made a huge mistake and now have to lie.  For now, confronting her about after the separation would be a mistake.

I don't know what to do anymore. 

[ArleighBurke]

I'm sorry - I think I misinterpreted your first post. When you said you were almost divorced I assumed that was what you wanted.

But now I understand that (if you could) you'd like to stay with her. That's different.

You said you've learned about BPD. Have you read about Validation? It's probably the biggest tool for making the relationship better. There is a lot on this site about it.

Have a read and get back to us - but hang in there - it can get better.

[waverider]

The problem is it is human nature to get to the bottom of it and analyse it to try to find out "the truth". The problem with this, especially with pwBPD, is that you never really get to the bottom of it, and it can make yourself ill trying. The more you dig, the more vulnerable they feel and so the motivation to cover up rises.

She will see her business as her business, there will be layers of cover ups and lies driven by many reasons, on the one hand little deep empathy for you, and on the other guilt of being found out.  The more you dig the further it backs her into a corner and consolidates the lies.

If you are separated, then you need to let wash whatever she does when you are not technically together, as non of your business.  If you do recycle, base what your actions on what is in front of you and how that makes you feel, rather than the level of absolute honesty. The problem with lack of of honesty is that it is hard to truly accept and it breeds mistrust, that is a feeling, and emotion and that is your benchmark. How it makes you feel rather the actual truth itself.

Bottomline is working on how to let go of being uneasy due to being suspicious, acceptance probably plays a bigger role in that than sleuthing out facts, as the behavior is ongoing and that is a neverending story.

[anonymous_in_NV]

A.Burke

We are getting divorced.  However, we have children so I will have to see and communicate with her almost daily.  Lately, she is really big on being friends, missing me, and wanting hugs.  I have been applying the validation methods on here over the last few days.  Not sure if they are working or if her episodes were to minor that she needed validation.  Had I known about BPD sooner, perhaps things may have worked out differently.  Regardless, I still need to practice all I learn here as I have to still see her.

Waverider

I always thought I was the person who drew the line at honesty and fidelity.  I have no clue if she was faithful during the marriage.  It seemed like she was.  Since separating and signing divorce papers, she has been with someone.  Since I told her I wanted out of the marriage, she totally changed.  She said she is broken and says she never wants another relationship again because she is a failure.  I used to think she was living with someone but now I don't know if she is.  Ahh the confusion.

The point is right now I am really drawn to her and want to be with her.  But, on the other hand, I am so confused.  I don't know if I am just lonely and want to "be" with her for closure or maintain something so later down the road we can actually be in a r/s. But, why should I even be considering that knowing full well that she has been flat out lying for the past few months.  I even feel her manipulating me now.  I find it so odd that I would even consider allowing myself to be with someone where I had to feel ok about dishonesty or infidelity.  How do you get their hooks out of you if you have to see them because of children?

This is all just so weird and confusing for me.

[waverider]

The byproduct of learning about BPD is that it starts shining new lights in dark corners you were oblivious about before. You are likely to start seeing aspects of her behavior in a different. Her motivations will not be what you thought they were, hidden agendas start to come to light.

It does take a degree of readjusting your trust and interpretations. It is what we call Radical acceptance, which is about accepting things for what they are, things that are beyond our ability to change. A pwBPDs motivators do not follow the same logical progression that ours may do. Hence much of the behavior will never make sense to us. It hardly makes sense to them as well at times, and often it is against their own interests in the long run.