Hello

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, I've been married for almost 8 years now.  I always knew my wife (at the time girl friend) had a quick temper and that she was "the Queen" of holding grudges but it didn't occur to me at the time and until just about a week ago (I feel so naive now) that was something wrong.  I've been looking at the symptoms of BPD and she has a quite a few.  First is the anger.  She gets so angry sometimes, shes says stuff that she later regrets.  I find I have to smooth things over sometimes.  I act as a buffer between us and kids. 

Kids is another story. 

I'm walking on egg shells all the time (I'm reading the book now).  I've trained myself to avoid triggers.   She has rocky relationships with her sister, mom and Dad.  Always up and down.  She's lays guilt trips like nobody I've seen.  She has side she shows the public and side she has at home.  She is "on" when we are out. 

She boasts a lot and stretches the truth.  Sometimes she'll be talking on the phone and I'll hear every word she says and then hang up and tell me something completely different like I wasn't there listening to the conversation. 

We have a 16 year old step son that just decided not to come home because I know it was due to the constant fights they had.  He choose to live with his Dad.  I've over heard her say things like to him "I have given up everything for you and it is like you don't even care".  Just last night I saw her go from tears to anger to "I'm done with him".  She has an older adult son that she doesn't talk to because she doesn't like his wife and some fight they had.  There is a lot going on with this relationship... .

I don't think she has thoughts of harming herself but she is always depressed.  Life is stacked against her (and she has me believing it) but it is choices that (we) make that get us to where we are.

I've seen her tell me I'm the greatest thing to happen to her and then criticizing me for something, I'm not even sure sometimes.

The thing is I love her, she can be a good mother, she is good at her job but I think there is something very wrong.  No way can I confront her with this knowledge.

We have a 6 year old son together.  I know he has emotional problems as well.  He is most like autistic but I think growing up in this environment causes a lot of his problems.  He can't regulate his emotions and he is only 6. 

I'm still in denial maybe it isn't BPD but something isn't right.   I want to help.  I need to go to therapy, sometimes the stress of my life is too much to handle but I'm the rock and I know I have to be strong.  I know I'm an enabler, I'm the "nice guy".

I feel like I can't talk to my parents because it will worry them.  I think I can talk to my brother about this but I have to think about it.

I feel like I'm ranting but just typing this I feel some sense of relief.

Thanks

[efv48473]

Hi, I've been married for almost 8 years now.  I always knew my wife (at the time girl friend) had a quick temper and that she was "the Queen" of holding grudges but it didn't occur to me at the time and until just about a week ago (I feel so naive now) that was something wrong.  I've been looking at the symptoms of BPD and she has a quite a few.  First is the anger.  She gets so angry sometimes, shes says stuff that she later regrets.  I find I have to smooth things over sometimes.  I act as a buffer between us and kids. 

Kids is another story. 

I'm walking on egg shells all the time (I'm reading the book now).  I've trained myself to avoid triggers.   She has rocky relationships with her sister, mom and Dad.  Always up and down.  She's lays guilt trips like nobody I've seen.  She has side she shows the public and side she has at home.  She is "on" when we are out. 

She boasts a lot and stretches the truth.  Sometimes she'll be talking on the phone and I'll hear every word she says and then hang up and tell me something completely different like I wasn't there listening to the conversation. 

We have a 16 year old step son that just decided not to come home because I know it was due to the constant fights they had.  He choose to live with his Dad.  I've over heard her say things like to him "I have given up everything for you and it is like you don't even care".  Just last night I saw her go from tears to anger to "I'm done with him".  She has an older adult son that she doesn't talk to because she doesn't like his wife and some fight they had.  There is a lot going on with this relationship... .

I don't think she has thoughts of harming herself but she is always depressed.  Life is stacked against her (and she has me believing it) but it is choices that (we) make that get us to where we are.

I've seen her tell me I'm the greatest thing to happen to her and then criticizing me for something, I'm not even sure sometimes.

The thing is I love her, she can be a good mother, she is good at her job but I think there is something very wrong.  No way can I confront her with this knowledge.

We have a 6 year old son together.  I know he has emotional problems as well.  He is most like autistic but I think growing up in this environment causes a lot of his problems.  He can't regulate his emotions and he is only 6. 

I'm still in denial maybe it isn't BPD but something isn't right.   I want to help.  I need to go to therapy, sometimes the stress of my life is too much to handle but I'm the rock and I know I have to be strong.  I know I'm an enabler, I'm the "nice guy".

I feel like I can't talk to my parents because it will worry them.  I think I can talk to my brother about this but I have to think about it.

I feel like I'm ranting but just typing this I feel some sense of relief.

Thanks

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[VitaminC]

Hi efv! 

It is good you have found this site. There are many helpful resources in the form of articles, workshops, and discussions that will help you to relieve your current feelings, get information and knowledge, and further your own aims in improving your relationship with your wife.

It sounds like you have a lot to deal with at the moment. It's great you are already immersing yourself in some literature that will help. The banner on the right of this page has some great links that I've found really helpful. No need to overwhelm yourself with stuff right away though! There's only so much we can take in at a time.

It is wonderful that even typing your message provided you some relief. Being in a complex situation with a partner and not being able to talk about it with anyone, or not knowing who is a good choice to talk to, is a difficult and lonely place to be. This site has been a godsent for me, and lots of others, for that very reason. Suddenly there were lots of people who understood what I was talking about.

What is the first thing you think you want to accomplish? Being "the rock" is not easy, I know.  How is the avoiding triggers thing working out for you? Has your son been seen by a medical professional?

Keep talking to us, efv. It gets better, the more we talk.

Good to have you here.   

[efv48473]

Hi thanks for the response.   Our son is being seen and is on medication but at his age (6) they think he is too young to start seeing a therapist but we are trying.   

I'm not sure what I want to achieve, I want our marriage to last and I want our son to be healthy.  I'd love for us to repair relationship with our 16 year old.

Avoiding triggers is hard, I have to memorize a lot of rules but fortunately I have a good memory but it keeps the peace.  We almost had a problem last night when she spoke with our son that decided not to live at home anymore but it didn't escalate.  It's been a long time since we've had a real fight but it is because I'm so good at avoiding conflict. 

She's been placed on medication before but goes off it because she says it makes her tired because she never sleeps (another trait of BPD I'm learning) or makes her feel weird.   I think she may have had a minor wake up call when our son didn't come home as she put herself back on her prozac and life is better.

[VitaminC]

Ok.

What about focusing on yourself for a little while? You mentioned therapy. How would you go about arranging for that in your locality?

It sounds like you would benefit from being able to just pay attention to yourself. Would you agree?
It might help you to see the relationship more clearly too. Being good at avoiding conflict is a real skill, (one I am still learning), but if too much of your energy goes into that, you can end up getting lost in it all.

What exactly was it that caused you to start looking around for a possible reason for your wife's behaviours?

[VitaminC]

How are you doing there, efv48473?

[ArleighBurke]

Welcome! I'm almost in the same situation as you - married 14yrs before I "found out" about BPD (3yrs ago) . 3 kids 13/9/6.

My wife is also high functioning, and I'm the only one who really sees the "true" her. And despite all her BPD behaviours I love her and want to stay with her as well.

I won't say you can have a perfect disney marriage - but you can certainly get your own sanity back, and learn to handle the waves a lot better. There is hope!

Stop Walking on Eggshells is a great book to start with - glad you are reading it.

Validation is the next tool. Accept that she has BPD, accept that she is not DELIBERATLY lying, accept that she is constantly feeling scared/worthless/defensive, and just HEAR her. Don't try to make sense of what she says - just hear how she FEELS. And accept that she probably has ZERO control over how she feels. Validation. Read about it as much as you can.

You have started a journey to help you and your marriage. It will be long - I would say that it takes 2+ years to really master it - but it's worth it. For you, your wife, and your kids.