Co-parenting vs. Cooperative Parenting vs. Parallel Parenting

[Kowalski]

I'll have to type up my story elsewhere to give a full background, but suffice it to say my wife left on the 27th of June for the second and last time, in full splitting mode. She left in some sort of psychotic state due to me having a light bulb moment about her severe mood swings and behavior due to hormonal sensitivities that I was able to track on the calendar. Even though I never approached her about BPD (I was still in denial about her having the traits), just mentioning my suspicion that she has PMDD caused her to lash out like you would expect and then disappear.

We had a temporary 50/50 parenting plan already in place, but never needed to use it until now. That last week in June she basically disappeared again, and at no time did she ask about, check-in or inquire about our only 2.5 yo son.

Every day I emailed her a report about what was going on with our son, and the regression that the stress and her raging in front of him caused. I even brought up a need for more structure for our son. She never responded. I found out later that she was getting her "freak" on with a former partner or her's all that week.

Because of her psychotic behavior, I was only going to allow our son to spend time with her if it was monitored, and it essentially was because my wife was staying with her mother. Unfortunately, there is no legal document requiring that.

By about the 15th of July, I gave up sending daily reports about our son, and just tried to keep a private journal, and only mirrored her extremely sparse and sporadic reports about our son including a weekly sum-up.

I also resolved that I was a single father and that I had to start making decisions about raising our son... .my son, breaking his (and my) imposed isolation and letting him live and experience life more.

My wife has been resistant to working with me in any capacity, even to the extent of making sure that my son had both his special blankets for sleeping that he’d had since he was months old: A green blanket and an “elephant” blanket.

End Part 1

[Kowalski]

So two weeks ago I sent this weekly summary:

Sleeping Issues/News: None. Asked for elephant blanket several times and I explained where it was each time. Ordered him an exact replacement. Got out of crib twice. Will transition to toddler bed. Nap and night schedule adjusted an hour later over the course of the week.

Food Issues/News: None.

New Foods:  Sunflower seeds, goji berries, hamburger, mustard, ketchup, macaroni salad, chocolate chips, mild cheddar cheese dip, Fritos, quesadilla, walnuts

Behavior/Mood Overall: Energetic, enthusiastic, excited, echolalic, engaged, giggly, friendly, resilient. Lots of different sounds to indicate frustration/disagreement/push back, which is normal for a toddler.

Health: 100% 29.6lbs 35.3"

Diaper/Potty Issues:  None. Potty training in earnest. Pretty good and self-congratulatory for #1 #2 in potty, with expected accidents. Peeing less and less in diaper during naps and overnight.

Activities: Including but not limited to parks, chalk, bath, eating at a restaurant, drawing, reading, swimming, church, exposure to lots of other adults and children in different scenarios, trampoline park

New Milestones/Behaviors:  Hopping. Tumbling. Climbing on top of tall things. Remembered words such as "coffee", "dolphin", "didgeridoo", names like "Hillary Clinton" and "Obama", and more sentences like "That's tea" and "whole minute of time" as he watches digital clocks. Recognizing written words like "egg" and "big." Jumping repeatedly into the pool to the point of going all the way under water while being caught. Blowing bubbles in the water. Kicking part of dog paddle and starting to use arms. Tracing letters and numbers. Someone said that "A" is "clearly advanced."

End Part 2

[Kowalski]

After a week of my son being with her mother and grandmother, I got the following weird report that broke her format entirely:

"A" came to me on July 31st with red bumps over his legs and parts of his face. When consulting the paperwork his doctor has left with us, the parents of "A", one of the signs to watch for in new foods was that sort of thing.  So no new foods were introduced this week and I encourage you to follow "A"'s doctor's advice about doing 1 new food at a time over a couple weeks to hash out allergies. I do not need a response, nor will I discuss who should do what further, as I am sharing how I will be following the doctors orders and not requiring that you do the same.

Activities: "A" and I did the following; an Air Show where airplanes were "drawing" in the sky, playing with multiple friends, new and old, indoor and outdoor play areas, water fountain, art time (multiple mediums), Train (both real and MAX) & library time.

Milestones:
Continues to read numbers forwards, backwards, upside down, and facing each other. "A" and I spent a lot of time this week on the backwards and upside down as he figured that out. He has started to notice that cars have letters/numbers which has been great fun.

I believe that our co-parenting, as well as our individual parenting continue to further his brilliant mind.

Potty Training:
Although "A" can continue to communicate and use the potty he does not yet have down how to pull up or down his pants which is key to potty training so "A" and I spent a lot of time working on that as well. Potty training continues to go just fine for going in the actual toilet or the potty. I would encourage you to start working with him to pull pants/underwear/training pants/shorts/diaper covers. etc up and down as this is key to potty training. Again, as above, I do not require or plan to respond to anything based on this as it is a suggestion to stay consistent vs a requirement.

Per Rights & Regulations we each can do what we feel is best for "A" during our weeks and any conversation with demands vs co-parenting communication is not required for me to respond to. Unless I see behavior that reflects co-parenting (which we have both communicated we want 100% control of the parenting) I may not respond unless it's based on an emergency for "A" (such as Oh, I learned "A" is allergic to XYZ, please don't feed him that, etc. ) or helpful tips for co-parenting vs requirements (such as Oh, I play this 1 song every time "A" uses the potty, you might want to try using the same song and I will provide it for you if needed, vs Do XYZ to make sure Aaiydn is potty trained the way I have been).

I have a NO CONTACT rule for non child issues and a 48-delay in responding to non-emergency child issues. I wrote two responses. One response I wrote completely outside of email in an unrestrained way for therapeutic purposes only. A second response is the one I sent.

Unrestrained Response:

You can climb on your high horse waving old paperwork from “A’s” doctor all you want, however it doesn’t change the facts or reality. I have two third-party witnesses and myself, who can tell you that "A" did not have any red bumps anywhere on his body when he was handed off to you on the 31st. So you’re either lying, or it’s something other than a food allergy, such as an environmental reaction or physical reaction to stress.

And to your point about co-parenting, if you really had a concern about some sort of allergic reaction to food on the 31st, you could have raised it with me instead of waiting a week. However, you chose not to. Would you call that positive co-parenting behavior?

I’m really proud of you for suddenly being able to do what you couldn’t or wouldn’t do for the last year with "A". For the last few months, you couldn’t spend more than two hours with "A" without being overwhelmed, so I’m not sure who you are, or who is actually doing the parenting of "A" while he’s in your town: You or your mother.

You’re welcome to try potty training "A" how you believe is best. My home has hardwood floors, so accidents are easy to clean up as he learns at his own pace.

Consistency requires more communication, which you haven’t demonstrated any willingness to do.

Are you having a conversation or argument with someone else, because this can’t be directed at me. At no time have there been any demands from me, so I haven’t a clue what you’re talking about.

With regard to co-parenting, we both took the required Focus on Children class, which you indicated you did not enjoy, while I actually got something out of. (In particular the part about honoring . If you recall, there are two main types of co-parenting: Cooperative and Parallel. When you left the house for the last time on June 27th for unknown reasons, I emailed you every day updating you about "A" including some issues I wanted your input on. However you were too busy getting your freak on with Jose to care about "A".

Restrained Response:

What a frustrating situation to be in. At the same time, "A" did not have any red bumps anywhere on his body when he was handed over to you on the 31st. Perhaps it was something other than a food allergy, such as an environmental reaction or a physical reaction to stress. In the future, would you please contact me when you notice an issue with "A" such as the bumps?

Regarding co-parenting, if you'd like to champion focusing on what's best for "A", perhaps a discussion of cooperative vs parallel parenting, as was covered in the required Focus on Children class, with a neutral 3rd party would be a good idea?

Lastly, my lawyer has made suggestions with regard to tools to improve communication regarding "A". I suggest reviewing them and responding through your lawyer about them.

Thank you and I'm glad you and "M" had a good week with "A".

END

[Turkish]

For things like potty training,  it would be good to get both households in sync. I kind of did,  but then took the lead.  I bought a pee monitor for then S3 to get him or of night diapers.  I also told her when I started using it with then D3. What she did at her home was her responsibility (I didn't word it like that,  but implied it). I also did some parallel parenting,  but I didn't tell her.  After things settled after she moved out to be with her lover (now their step dad), I was more open to discussing "this is what I do here" compared to her "this is what I do when they are at my home." She left me for her affair partner,  then married him.  I was understandably pissed (hurt).

As for the rash, I got accusations like that.  Until her anxiety dies down  (hopefully it will,  but it might not... .and this doesn't have anything to do with you), document in journal and by photo when your kid goes back.  Resist the urge to Justify, Defend,  Accuse,  or Explain.  Keep communication brief.  Less is more and it presents a smaller target.  BIFF "He had a rash?  He was OK this morning.  Can you send me a picture? " I fielded a phone call like this earlier today.  I was factual and short.  JADEing can exacerbate their anxiety,  which can result in us becoming more of a target.

[Panda39]

What a frustrating situation to be in. At the same time, I did not notice any bumps on "A" did not have any red bumps anywhere on his body when he was when I dropped him off handed over to you on the 31st. Perhaps it was something other than a food allergy, such as an environmental reaction or a physical reaction to stress. In the future, would you please contact me when you notice an issue with "A" such as the bumps?

Regarding co-parenting, if you'd like to champion focusing on what's best for "A", perhaps a discussion of cooperative vs parallel parenting, as was covered in the required Focus on Children class, with a neutral 3rd party would be a good idea?

Lastly, my lawyer has made suggestions with regard to tools to improve communication regarding "A". I suggest reviewing them and responding through your lawyer about them.

Thank you and I'm glad you and "M" had a good week with "A".

JADE: To JADE is to Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain... .the parts I lined through to me sound like the "Argue" part of JADE and the overall response is ":)efend" defending yourself against her implied attack on your parenting... .a lot of snarky remarks implying bad parenting and poor communication skills on her part... .you probably are justified in making them but they are not productive. 

Don't take the bait, you know you are a good dad, you know your son didn't have a rash, there is no need to defend when you did nothing wrong. Don't validate the invalid. You take the bait and these types of allegations will continue because she knows it gets a rise out of you and you will engage in the drama with her.

Like Turkish said use BIFF when communicating it can help keep the drama down.

I hope I've helped.
Panda39

[Kowalski]

What a frustrating situation to be in. At the same time, I did not notice any bumps on "A" did not have any red bumps anywhere on his body when he was when I dropped him off handed over to you on the 31st. Perhaps it was something other than a food allergy, such as an environmental reaction or a physical reaction to stress. In the future, would you please contact me when you notice an issue with "A" such as the bumps?

Regarding co-parenting, if you'd like to champion focusing on what's best for "A", perhaps a discussion of cooperative vs parallel parenting, as was covered in the required Focus on Children class, with a neutral 3rd party would be a good idea?

Lastly, my lawyer has made suggestions with regard to tools to improve communication regarding "A". I suggest reviewing them and responding through your lawyer about them.

Thank you and I'm glad you and "M" had a good week with "A".

JADE: To JADE is to Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain... .the parts I lined through to me sound like the "Argue" part of JADE and the overall response is ":)efend" defending yourself against her implied attack on your parenting... .a lot of snarky remarks implying bad parenting and poor communication skills on her part... .you probably are justified in making them but they are not productive. 

Don't take the bait, you know you are a good dad, you know your son didn't have a rash, there is no need to defend when you did nothing wrong. Don't validate the invalid. You take the bait and these types of allegations will continue because she knows it gets a rise out of you and you will engage in the drama with her.

Like Turkish said use BIFF when communicating it can help keep the drama down.

I hope I've helped.
Panda39

Now that was extremely helpful Panda39. Thank you. I'm trying to get a hang of BIFF, JADE and more. I have a lot to learn!

Can anyone give me insight into what my uBPDw/uBPDw was trying to communicate and why? Maybe that might help me understand better where I can disconnect from the projections and cognitive distortions.

This is going to take a lot of work getting the hang of communicating with uBPDw/uNPDw and letting go of my own hangups, emotions, frustration, anger, disappointment and snark. I drafted my weekly sum up to be delivered this Sunday, and looking over it below I'm obviously feeling very snarky, defensive and fully taking the bait. I don't think mirroring her is productive.

Sleeping Issues/News: Woke up consistently early: 5:45am to 6:30am. Not sure why. Fully moved to toddler bed at beginning of the week. He never got out of the toddler bed: Not once. No longer need to check diaper in the middle of the night.

Food Issues/News: None

New Foods: Cashews, pistachios, pecans, GF pizza, pesto sauce, artichoke hearts, GF tuna fish sandwich with dill mustard, GF grilled cheese sandwich, GF pancakes with ginger syrup.

Behavior/Mood Overall: Based on observations and reports of emotional and physical manifestations of stress on exchange days, as well as overall emotional intelligence (EQ) issues, after consultation and research, worked consistently on "Emotion Coaching." This should help create consistency, continuity, and sameness of experience (as much as possible), which are essential to the development of trust and security in children. I do not require or plan to respond to anything based on this as it is a suggestion vs. a requirement. "A" continues to be inquisitive, echolalic, eager, eager to please, enthusiastic, excited, engaged, giggly, friendly, resilient, curious, increasing independence, impatient at times, cuddly

Health: 100% (Placeholder)

Diaper/Potty Issues/News:  None/Potty training continues at "A's" pace. Coordination and establishing consistency in potty training between homes is not possible until behavior that reflects cooperative parenting vs. parallel parenting is seen, and a willingness to work on communication. As above, I do not require or plan to respond to anything based on this as these issues have already been addressed directly via email and between our attorneys with no acknowledgment or response thus far.

Activities:  Including but not limited to hiking, singing, dancing, reading, rudimentary math, drawing, church, swimming, eating at restaurants, parks, trains, helping pack up the house, beach, tracing numbers and letters, sleeping at a hotel on a hotel bed, color ball pit, backyard camping, exposure to different adults and children in a variety of scenarios.

New Milestones/Behaviors: Remembered words: Peanut butter, orange juice,  Phrases like:
* I all done.
* See you tomorrow.
* Big garage door up

As of next week I will go back to the normal version, having explained here how I will proceed going forward.

Yeah... .Sending the above wouldn't help anyone, but would make me feel momentarily good, which isn't the point at all.

[Panda39]

"Yeah... .Sending the above wouldn't help anyone, but would make me feel momentarily good, which isn't the point at all."

Believe me everyone on this site understands that!  When I arrived here I was also one angry woman... .My SO's uBPDxw was alienating their children, using them as spies and weapons and playing all kinds of other games.  I totally get it    My SO also experienced the "you're a bad dad" garbage too.  It took him a little while to get out of the FOG and realize he is a great dad.  Once he realized this then those kinds of comments no longer worked... .he no longer took the bait.

Hang in there you will learn more as you work through things.  The members here are great to vent to, bounce ideas off of, use as editors  , and are teachers (from their own school of hard knocks!).

For what it's worth my SO has used a parallel parenting style for the most part.  He does what he does when the kids are with him and she does what she does when the kids are with her. But there are always occasional times when cooperation is needed... .those are always tough and sometimes unfortunately because of her inability to cooperate the kids loose out.  That is hard to watch but you just need to let it go. Those kinds of issues are really between her and the kids. The kids do learn who the healthy parent that they can rely on is.


Panda39

[Kowalski]

This is my new working draft, using BIFF and eliminating JADE:

Sleeping Issues/News: Woke up consistently early: 5:45am to 6:30am. Fully moved to toddler bed at beginning of the week, and he never got out of it during naps or at night. No longer need to check diaper in the middle of the night.

Food Issues/News: None

New Foods: Cashews, pistachios, pecans, GF pizza, pesto sauce, artichoke hearts, GF tuna fish sandwich with dill mustard, GF grilled cheese sandwich, GF pancakes with ginger syrup, sweet potato chips... .

Behavior/Mood Overall: Worked consistently on "Emotion Coaching." He continues to be inquisitive, echolalic, eager, eager to please, enthusiastic, excited, engaged, giggly, friendly, resilient, curious, open, increasingly independent, impatient at times, cuddly... .

Health: 100% Height Weight Placeholder

Diaper/Potty Issues/News:  None/Potty training continues at "A's" pace.

Activities:  Including but not limited to hiking, singing, dancing, reading, rudimentary math, drawing, painting, church, reading, swimming, eating at restaurants, parks, trains, helping pack up the house, beach, tracing numbers and letters, sleeping at a hotel on a hotel bed, color ball pit, backyard camping, exposure to different adults and children in a variety of scenarios.

New Milestones/Behaviors: Placeholder... .
Remembered words:
* Peanut butter
* Orange juice

Phrases like:
* I all done.
* See you tomorrow.
* Big garage door open.


I'm mirroring the format that she's been using with minor tweaks. However, I'm wondering if I should just remove the "new foods" section, since it's a fear of hers and not a concern of mine. In some ways I feel a sense of duty and obligation to communicate the ways our son is growing up and changing, because it's extremely exciting and awesome to me. Yet I know I can't expect her to feel the same way, and she most likely doesn't because our son is a pawn to her and a tool to meet her own needs.

What has been important for other members to communicate to their high conflict co-parents?

[Ulysses]

When consulting the paperwork his doctor has left with us, the parents of "A", one of the signs to watch for in new foods was that sort of thing. 

I had some thoughts for you about this part of your post (mostly questions):

Did she take him to the doctor?  Did she inform you about the doctor's appointment ahead of time so that you can go to it?  Did you get a copy of the paperwork from the doctor (e.g. scanned and emailed from your son's mother), or does she want you to take her word for it?  Did you call the doctor to speak to him/her directly about your son?

If you have a parenting plan, are medical issues addressed?  It's something I find helpful in mine.  You probably want to remain directly involved with medical issues.

Recently my exNPD/BPDh's new wife kept my D7 from speaking to me for 5 days (violates the parenting plan) when exH was out of town.  When I picked up my daughter she had a canker sore so big her entire mouth was swollen and she had trouble talking.  I think she gets it from stress.  New wifey sent an email about how my D must have allergies to strawberries, and sent along OTC medicine that she herself uses, because she has food sensitivities and problems with cold sores (which are different than canker sores).  (Also, she had forced D7 to rinse her mouth with baking soda, which didn't help and really hurt her.)  I knew the allergy stuff was rubbish.  I took D7 to the dr, confirmed canker sore, not food allergy (she's been eating strawberries and citrus since a toddler), etc. 

So I guess I'm trying to say, is this projection on your ex's part?  Is it real that there's a suspected food allergy?

[Kowalski]

When consulting the paperwork his doctor has left with us, the parents of "A", one of the signs to watch for in new foods was that sort of thing. 

I had some thoughts for you about this part of your post (mostly questions):

Did she take him to the doctor?  Did she inform you about the doctor's appointment ahead of time so that you can go to it?  Did you get a copy of the paperwork from the doctor (e.g. scanned and emailed from your son's mother), or does she want you to take her word for it?  Did you call the doctor to speak to him/her directly about your son?

If you have a parenting plan, are medical issues addressed?  It's something I find helpful in mine.  You probably want to remain directly involved with medical issues.

Recently my exNPD/BPDh's new wife kept my D7 from speaking to me for 5 days (violates the parenting plan) when exH was out of town.  When I picked up my daughter she had a canker sore so big her entire mouth was swollen and she had trouble talking.  I think she gets it from stress.  New wifey sent an email about how my D must have allergies to strawberries, and sent along OTC medicine that she herself uses, because she has food sensitivities and problems with cold sores (which are different than canker sores).  (Also, she had forced D7 to rinse her mouth with baking soda, which didn't help and really hurt her.)  I knew the allergy stuff was rubbish.  I took D7 to the dr, confirmed canker sore, not food allergy (she's been eating strawberries and citrus since a toddler), etc. 

So I guess I'm trying to say, is this projection on your ex's part?  Is it real that there's a suspected food allergy?

She's referring to very old paperwork from the doctor over a year ago. She's always been paranoid about "A" getting sick, and the only food allergy he's had is to soy and that was soy formula a long time ago. On smaller quantities it's not an issue.

So the supposed rash only she saw either didn't exist or it was a rash due to something environmental or a stress reaction. She didn't let me know about it until the weekly summary.

Our parenting plan is temporary and doesn't address much of anything. Parenting plan mediation didn't work out more than holiday schedules and hasn't been approved by either of us. The next step is 3rd party custody, parenting plan and psych evaluation. I'm just waiting for her signature as of this week to voluntarily submit to it, but I fear she'll drag that out.

[Turkish]

 3rd party custody means you and she lose most of your parental rights.  Leaving aside her, I don't see that as an issue with you (that you're incompetent). How did this come up? 

[Kowalski]

3rd party custody means you and she lose most of your parental rights.  Leaving aside her, I don't see that as an issue with you (that you're incompetent). How did this come up? 

Sorry. Don't know quite what to call it. It's a custody, parenting plan and psych evaluation performed by a paid evaluator. By third party I mean someone neutral and outside of the parents to perform the evaluation.

[Panda39]

So the supposed rash only she saw either didn't exist or it was a rash due to something environmental or a stress reaction.

Besides asking her to notify you in the future.  You could also tell her to take your son to the doctor if she is concerned (I know for most of us this is obvious... .we take our kids to the doctor when they are sick!) but it might make her think twice about whether there is something serious going on with your son or not.  Then if she takes him to the doctor  you can go too or you can speak to the doctor later and get the facts on your son's condition (if there is one) vs getting the exaggerated version from her. If she doesn't take your son to the doctor then you will know that there isn't anything serious going on.

She is projecting her fears about food allergies.

My SO's uBPDxw was also very weird about health issues and used them to try and create lots of drama.  She had every disease known to man according to her and she would look for them in the kids too because if she had it they must have it too.  While they were separated (she had majority custody in the beginning) the kids had high absenteeism at school because she would keep them out of school for long periods of time.  A stomach ache Monday morning could mean a week off from school... .did she take them to the doctor? No (because there was nothing really wrong with them)... .if your kid had a stomach ache for a day let alone a week I think most of us would be at the doctor.  Her behavior around this among other things led to my SO being awarded Education, Medical and Dental decision making when the divorce was finally final.

[Kowalski]

Besides asking her to notify you in the future.  You could also tell her to take your son to the doctor if she is concerned (I know for most of us this is obvious... .we take our kids to the doctor when they are sick!) but it might make her think twice about whether there is something serious going on with your son or not.  Then if she takes him to the doctor  you can go too or you can speak to the doctor later and get the facts on your son's condition (if there is one) vs getting the exaggerated version from her. If she doesn't take your son to the doctor then you will know that there isn't anything serious going on.

Notifying me is what my lawyer suggested I communicate to her, which is exactly what I did. No response. She's been giving me the silent treatment since the end of June. She has only relented to giving me basic info about our son during his visits with her because her lawyer prompted her to. She's currently living with her mother (a negative enabler with a Masters in psychology and child development and a mandatory reporter no less) about two hours north. She has no car of her own, despite having tried to take off with our only family car a second time, that is only in my name.

Frankly, I don't want to see her again face-to-face because it just triggers my betrayal trauma. I've tried to negotiate exchanges between third parties, but she won't agree to it. So I have support people with me who perform the exchange and I can stay in the car which really helps make the whole exchange process less stressful for everyone, especially my son.

If she reports seeing rashes again, I will work through my attorney to make sure that it's communicate that she must take our son to see a doctor.

She is projecting her fears about food allergies.

Yes. She has a lot of fears regarding our son being sick, and thankfully he's been extremely healthy. Whenever I got sick, the first thing she would say is "Make sure you wash your hand so [our son] doesn't get sick." No empathy.

My SO's uBPDxw was also very weird about health issues and used them to try and create lots of drama.  She had every disease known to man according to her and she would look for them in the kids too because if she had it they must have it too.  While they were separated (she had majority custody in the beginning) the kids had high absenteeism at school because she would keep them out of school for long periods of time.  A stomach ache Monday morning could mean a week off from school... .did she take them to the doctor? No (because there was nothing really wrong with them)... .if your kid had a stomach ache for a day let alone a week I think most of us would be at the doctor.  Her behavior around this among other things led to my SO being awarded Education, Medical and Dental decision making when the divorce was finally final.

That sounds really rough for your SO. My wife wasn't a hypochondriac but had plenty of physical ailments that in retrospect were all linked to her hormonal sensitivities and lack of self-care.

So going forward, as I've read elsewhere, I'll make sure the parenting plan is extremely detailed to also include making sure our son is taken to a doctor.