Ex GF has Boardeline Traits , Need Urgent advice

[stewlion07]

Hi,

This is what me ex of 3 weeks (3 year relationship) is like and is doing to me... .does this make sense ?

Has anyone seen this in a borderline PD? they attach to you in way that is un healthy , They will break up with you in order to get attention, punish you and make you learn your lessons... .and this could last weeks / months at time? they are obsessed with you and they make you feel like you are always in the wrong... .manipulating you or reverse charming you , wanting you to chase as them and make them feel loved?

Anything I do wrong , I feel like I am punished 3 x harder ... .She has the inability to see where I am coming from or feel for me if she is pain... .for example we broke up over the phone and I said some nasty words, my mum then passed away a week later and she wont talk to me only to say I cant talk... .it wont resolve anything ... .she needs time alone to work on herself... .etc... She says she will never forgive and forget what I said...

I have never threatened her, laid a hand on her ... .in our entire relationship

Please give advice on how to deal with this...

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[VitaminC]

Hi stewlion07,

Firstly, you are welcome here. I am glad you found this site. Many of us have found this very warm and sane community to be a life saver with the many resources here and the safety of being able to talk with people who have been through similar experiences.

I am sorry for your loss of your mother. That is a difficult time of grief and having to deal with a break-up as well is surely exhausting and confusing for you.

What you describe in your first paragraph fits with some of the traits of a person who has Borderline Personality Disorder. Also the inability to feel empathy for another, particularly at times of stress. There is a full list of symptoms on this site, which may be helpful.

Regardless of whether or not your ex has this mental illness, can I ask, please, what your goal is at the moment? You have put your post in the "Improving a Relationship With a Borderline Partner" board. Does that mean you want to reestablish a relationship with your ex and you are asking about how to go about doing that?

Although a relationship breaking down is never easy and always associated with pain, the fact is you are grieving your mother at the moment, and that is a lot to be dealing with.  In a way, it trumps everything else, not that it's a competition.

How are feeling?

 

[stewlion07]

Hi VitaminC,

Yes I would like to re establish at least a friendship , She Is saying meeting is a waste of time etc... .
She is in devaluation mode, and it has never been this bad ever ... .we have broken up 5 times in the past , only once me and it was for less then 24 hours.

She never actually says nasty things to me, but she emotional abuses and manipulates ... .

I find it hard to grieve for my mother as she has discarded me and thinks I am a terrible human being.

when she broke up with me over the phone, I did accuse her of having a PD and suggested something may have happen to her in the past and its not her fault... .

She now wont even speak to me...

After 2 weeks I started sending messages with no reply, I then sent a text message saying yesterday I would call her at 8pm, I didn't call her and then she called me at 9:30pm asking why I didn't call her and then said did I say anything to my friends about her and hung up after 30 seconds on the phone...

I tried to call back many times and she wouldn't take my call, then she sends me a long message saying she need time to herself to work on her personal and professional career and that she will never forgive or forget what I said and that I needed to learn a lesson not to say things like that to the people you care about the most... .

I then respond and she says don't contact me anymore , I then send more messages to apologies and she said my dads my hero , please don't contact me.

cut a long story short , in the past if she didn't want communication with me or to be contacted she would block my number so I couldn't call or SMS, this makes me think its a game and she wants me to chase harder as a form of control, also the fact she hadn't called or message in two weeks and when I didn't call when I said I would, she actually picked up the phone and called me... .but only for less then 1 minute... .

In regards to career development she is 29 and has no career ambitions and works casually for a retail store... .

she wants to be a stay at home mother , like her mum... .

I feel like she is punishing me on purpose... .I would like to know the best approach to just getting a ten minute phone call... .?

[VitaminC]

I feel like she is punishing me on purpose... .I would like to know the best approach to just getting a ten minute phone call... .?

Hi again stewlion,

Yes, it does sound like you are being punished.

You can't force someone to talk to you or listen to you, if they don't want to. There's no magic method that I know of.  It sounds to me like you've tried pretty hard. I can imagine you might feel a bit frantic trying to talk to your ex during a time when you're in a lot of upheaval already.

3 weeks is very soon to re-establish an ex as a friend. It can happen, sure, but it does usually take a while before all the big emotions have subsided enough. And in this case, it looks like there is still a lot of emotion there from both of you.

If you suspect she is playing a "game" to make you chase her, then think about if you want to play this "game" right now. And what would it mean, how would it be, if you were to move forward in the game and get the contact you want? Would you then feel more relaxed and more able to grieve your mother?

Grief is really complex. You can't expect yourself to handle two such big things at once. You need to look after yourself a little and have people around you who are going to be easy on you and support you for a little while. It doesn't really sound as if your ex is able to do that, at least not at the moment.

Can I ask you to consider sending her a simple message saying that, when she is ready to speak with you, to contact you? And then can you decide on a time-frame for yourself that you will not expect anything to happen - say one week? And during that week, see if you can focus on yourself and whatever you need to do right now?

I know that's not what you want to hear right now.   

[Meili]

I am sorry for the loss of your mother. 

I want to echo what VC said, three weeks is not a long time, and it may be unrealistic to think that emotions have settled enough to talk. If she's still highly, emotionally charged, trying to reason with her is only going to buy you more pain and grief.

I also think that VC is right about sending a very short message saying that you'll be available to talk when she's ready and then nothing more. You can use the time to focus on yourself, your grieving, and what ever else you need.

[VitaminC]

What do you think, stewlion? How are you today?

Don't mean to pester, it's just that I'm pretty good at it

[Jessica84]

Stewlion - I'm so sorry for your loss/es. With your ex, give yourself permission to forgive yourself. You said nasty things to her in the heat of the moment. It happens. Sometimes they push us to say/do things we would never otherwise do. We're caught up in a web of chaos. Struck by lightning. We're only human and doing the best we can. So forgive yourself. That is one load of guilt you don't need to carry right now.

If you want to re-establish contact with her in the future, taking care of yourself will put you in a better frame of mind for doing so. You can also spend this time apart learning what you've been dealing with and how to cope with it, or deciding if you want to. I would start with the lessons on the right of the screen. If nothing else, you can understand it to help you heal and get closure, or learn how to make it work better for you in the future. This is all about YOU. Take care of YOU. 

[stewlion07]

Thanks Guys, VC

She sent me a message on Thursday after refusing to take my calls or respond to my SMS and saying she never wanted to hear from me again.

I went NC for only 2 days and got a messaged at 6:45am , Saying "What date do you leave"?

I responded straight away saying 1st week of September, I didn't get a response or expect a response ... .

The reason I want to try and clear this up now is, I am moving from Sydney to San Francisco in 3 weeks time... .She was supposed to come with me... .

Again in the past if she really didn't want contact or hear from me she would block my number... .as that what has happened in the past... .so I feel this is a form of punishment so I don't do something like this again and she is teaching me a lesson as I have never gone anywhere in the past... .so she knows me very well... .


the fact after 2 days of NC and before NC I was bombarding her with calls and sms , may have triggered her abandonment response ... .

Good Signs,

- hasn't blocked my number
- wants to know when I am leaving , and messaging me at 6:45am when she gets out of bed means she isn't dealing with the space well either.

I feel good about the future and I have no doubt she will come back , I just need to learn how to deal with my emotions when she is being un reasonable ... .

I really care and love her and I will push us to see a relationship councillor if we reconcile , so we can both better learn how to speak to each other.

I am so thankful of this website and the people responding and helping me deal with this... .

[SweetCharlotte]

What you mention about moving in three weeks to San Francisco from Sydney is very significant.

As you say, she has no career ambitions, and works as a store clerk. It must be terrifying to her to think of relocating to a new country, especially the hothouse of high tech that is the Bay Area. She anticipates losing her already fragile sense of self, and becoming totally dependent on you. Hence, before you go, she is giving you a taste of your own medicine (in her warped logic).

In truth, this might be her way of disengaging from you for good as well. She may not be able to cope with the prospect of migrating to, and then being an immigrant, in a new culture. Only time will tell.

Whatever the case, you have a very important three weeks ahead. Helping your family to mourn your mother's passing, showing your surviving family that you are your mother's son and will carry on for her in the light and love of her memory. These are things that only you can do. Once again, if your gf has the BPD traits as you think, this can only make her more resentful of you rather than sympathetic. You are getting lots of attention as a bereaved person; the pwBPD feels that this is unfair, and that it trivializes their own pain.

While dealing with this, you also have to prepare for a new life. Try to think of all the possibilities for success and great experiences. That is what your mother would want for you.

 

[stewlion07]

Thanks Sweet Charlotte,

She has actually lived in 3 different countries with a previous partner... .and she was the one suggesting I should look for work over seas ...

Yes it makes sense , she hates that I am getting attention due to my mum and is mad that she isn't due to our break up... .very true , in the past same logic has applied.

Any advise on how to get over this hurdle?

[SweetCharlotte]

I don't know if there is any advice that will get you over what you perceive as a "hurdle."

You made the decision to move to another country, perhaps for professional reasons. Was it her idea? Did she really agree to it, or was she responding to pressure from you?

You may have to face having made a decision that will end the relationship. The way she is expressing her displeasure does sound BPD-inflected, but the core issue is that you made a choice without her, that shows that you are open to living without her.

We can help you deal with BPD behaviors, but we can't necessarily get your relationship over the next hurdle.