I cooked too much broccoli.

[isilme]

Sorry, I don't know if this makes sense, it just heps me get it written down and journaling isn't "safe" to me.  Also, I'd like to ask if others have noticed a corelation between rage and low blood sugar/late meal times.

So H stayed home sick yesterday.  I had a VIP visiting from Monday through this morning, and even though I am also sick, I had to go in, worked through lunch yesterday and left a little late.  I got home after running errands to get some cold medication and saw that he was nice and had put some steak in the oven.  When the timer went off, I checked them, figured they were done, and took them out, and offered to steam some broccoli in the microwave.  He told he just wanted a tiny amount, and I looked at the bag, intending to open it and only steam a bowlful.  It was one of those steam-in bags, and only 4 servings anyway, so I chunked the whole thing into the oven, figuring A) I'd eat any left over tonight and tomorrow at lunch and B) If he wanted more, we had a regular bag still in the freezer, so no loss to either of us.

He saw the bag and flipped out.  "Why did you cook the whole bag?"
 Me "I thought I'd want some tomorrow for lunch---"
 Him "You just made that up - you cooked it all because you are lazy, you didn't want to put it in a bowl.  You don't need to eat a bag of broccoli - you're fat, eating a bag of broccoli isn't going to help just because it's green!" 
 Me (making a mistake, I know, but I can't seem to catch on when I am sick and forget to not invalidate) "No, I thought it's only a few servings, I can have some tonight and some---"
him "NO! (in my face) you are lazy and didn't think.  This is your fault, you are wrong!  You think you know so much and I'm a stupid husband on a sitcom (getting louder) You've been nag nag nag since we got married and it stops"  He freaked out about frozen veggies, still yelling that I'd wasted the bag, pulled out things from the freezer and tossed them onto the counters telling me to stop buying veggies (I usually only buy what he asks for - so it won't go to waste) and accused me of leaving food to go bad in the freezer (it was things he'd bought and then let get freezer burn from never cooking it).
Then he takes broccoli off my plate, throws it on his, he grabbed both steaks, and said "No dinner for you" stormed off to eat in the living room.  Some of the comments were repeated, there was more said about me thinking I am better than him, at one point he threw a pan on the floor, saw me pick it up, grabbed it and tossed it back on the floor, but this is the gist of what I remember today.

During this as he got more angry and agitated I'd been trying to talk and just stopped, seeing that he was just totally losing it.  There was more to the exchange, mostly me starting to defend myself but then giving up.  He thought I made a face at one point, and that really made him blow up, and I am still at a loss, even knowing about BPD, as to what the hell happened.  I no longer felt like eating, and sat down to sort out the freezer to put everything back in and throw out the old meat anyway, just because I didn't know what else to do.  Then I sat down in the living and watched TV until he left the room and went to bed really early.  I stayed in the living room until it seemed he might be asleep, took my shower, got my sleep clothes and slept on the couch part of the night. 

He's subdued today, still seems angry.  usually an outburst "wears off" but about noon. 

I have tried to figure the triggers - I went to work, he didn't.  That always makes him feel like I am judging him (I don't care, he's just projecting his own feelings onto me about it).  I didn't see him at lunch -that usually can make him pissy.  I was late getting in - also can make him pissy.  That all goes back to a few things - he was told by someone that there is "no reason to work late and you should get comp time for any time over" when he was fighting workplace abuse himself.  And, he hated me working late at other jobs, but would yell at me as if I WANTED to be working late and it wasn't a computer issue or work overload. 

He is sick (so am I, but I don't get an,"I get to dysregulate because I feel bad card".  He is tired, and his blood sugar was off from waiting for dinner I think.  He's not diabetic, but I suspect he is pre.  He knows his moods are bad and that he will rage when hungry.  Ugh.  He has to work late today, and I know that's making him angry, too, as he's got a sore spot about ever working late, now.  I just plan to go to bed early tonight. 

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[Wrongturn1]

Yeah, late meal times have preceded many dysregulations from my uBPDw.  She recognizes it and frequently refers to being "hangry" (hungry + angry)... .but it goes well beyond mere irritability that a healthy hungry person would have.

It sounds like you accepted a lot of verbal/emotional abuse during this incident... .that must have felt crappy to endure.  I'm sure you already know this, but it's okay for you to put some boundaries around this kind of abuse and temporarily leave the room, apartment, house, etc. to protect yourself from it. 

[isilme]

Wrongturn1,

I'd have left if I could, but I am sick, tired, and our kitchen is a tiny galley style with one entry so I was blocked in for the worst of it - two people can't walk abreast in it without the consent of each.  Taking the time to clean the freezer gave me a break of sorts, and when he went to bed early I was able to just be alone.  I had no energy to go take a drive or a walk, and had been working all day while sick.   

He had a late work event last night, so I had some time at home alone, and I know it probably sounds crazy, but that's when I feel "safe" letting myself talk and cry things out if I feel angry or upset - it's how I grew up as an only child with two BPD parents - safe to express really "bad" feelings only when alone.  And to be honest, partly from being numb from my head cold, and tired to boot, I realized I didn't absorb much of what was said?  It as obvious that broccoli was not the issue, and that I'd said so little nothing he was saying could have come from me.  I knew it was all coming from him, mostly about himself, and while I was upset at his reactions, the words did not sting so much, if that makes any sense? 

When he got home, he finally apologized, upset at himself that he'd freaked out like that.  Turns out he felt so crappy that day he'd not eaten at all - his fault, but if I'd been home I'd have made him eat.  H  It's alway he had a rage, then spends a day or two hating himself for doing it.  I guess I should just be glad we've determined blood sugar is a big factor.  This helps me pretty much ignore the insults and mean comments. 

I just get tired of the cycle - I am glad it's far better than it used to be, before I found this site and this would happen a few times a week.  We are about a bad explosion about every month to a few months, which is kind of a miracle, I think. 

Thanks for listening   Now I just need to get over this cold, and to Saturday so I can sleep.

[Naughty Nibbler]

ISILME:   
Sorry about the broccoli situation. It has to be difficult to always have to be the emotionally intelligent person, especially when you are sick, as well.  My father was always grumpy.  Your situation is typical of what was normal behavior for my father.  He had his moments of being pleasant, but the critical theme dominated.  He didn't throw things or get violent, but words can inflict a lot of pain.

The good thing for you, is that broccoli is healthy and most weight-reduction diets will tell you that you can eat all the broccoli that you want and lose weight.  Sadly, arguing that point with your husband is useless, when he is in such a state.

A good job can be hard to come by these days.  Giving that little extra, can help you be retained as an employee, get a raise and perhaps a promotion (with a salaried position).  There is a point where some people become a workaholic, but some gratis time can make you a good asset for a company. It has to be tough to be in a situation where you have something pressing at work that need to get done (with a little gratis time), and then having to worry about your husband's getting angry about it.

My parents both recently passed.  In hindsight, I felt some sadness for things in life that my mom missed out on, because of my controlling and grumpy dad.  I think that is probably why I am single and will likely remain that way.
 
I hope you feel better soon.  Keep up the healthy eating.  By the way, you can put that left over broccoli in a paper bowl, add some chunks of leftover protein (chicken, salmon, beef, etc.), some seasoning and/or low cal sauce and you have a quick healthy meal. 

[isilme]

- that was my plan, to put the leftovers in a bowl and eat alone or supplement another meal.  I was left to my own devices a lot as a teen and didn't like to cook big meals for one (mom was usually tranqed and dad was working, and later, he'd just kinda leave me at the apartment and show up time to time), and so any leftovers were eaten till they were gone. 

And yes, most green things CAN be eaten in large amounts and weight loss can be accomplished. 

The late work this week was simply due to an unusual circumstance of having the VIP down.  He on;y comes a few times a year, and he's over my division and hadn't met me or my new boss, and so wanted to meet us and still get everything reviewed he needed to do to justify his trip.  I've never stayed at work just to get ahead, only when a task needs to be done on a timeline and there is no other option.  This week, it was escorting the VIP around. 

I just hate that I can't always spot when this is going to happen, and lately, it seems to coincide with me being ill from a cold (I work at a campus, college students are a little germy), making my "take a break" options really limited.  When I feel well, I go outside and work in the yard.  Or run errands.  When I'm sick and just need rest, but don't know which room I can go to (bedroom/livingroom) without being followed if that's how it's playing out, ugh.

Sometimes, I can make the logical deduction - he's stressed, he's not eaten, lets get food into him, STAT.  That is not always the case. 

[Naughty Nibbler]

isilme
Here is a big hug, I think you can use one 

Actually, those veggie steam fresh bags keep getting smaller and smaller.  I eat a lot of veggies, and what they label as 4-servings is not realistic. 

Gosh, I know the panic that hits a work place when someone important visits.  Everything from the grounds of the work facility to the top of our desks had to measure up to an inspection (with past experience).  Lots of things got shoved into drawers haphazardly,

Sadly, I don't think there is a way to predict when a pwBPD will explode in a rage.  My sister is a rager and has made me feel that she has the capacity to get physical.  I guess that stress and not feeling well will likely contribute to an explosion.

It is tough when you aren't feeling well.  When you are well, do you ever try to get out for a walk or go to another room and do some exercise routine from YouTube, or some other means of exercise? 

Perhaps you just had the worst combination of circumstances the other day.  Hopefully your husband will feel better soon and his mood will get better along with it.  When he feels healthy, does he get any exercise?  Just wondering if exercise has any positive effect with him.

[isilme]

Yes, when I am not sick and it's not late, and it's not 100+ degrees outside, I find a reason to leave or go outside and work on the yard.  It's just that lately his rages seems to coincide with my allergies/colds, and August is a terrible month to be outside here. 

I think it was pretty much just a perfect storm of things that all came together to make it such a bad event, and now we're working through his shame at exploding.

When well, and when it's not 110 outside just before the sun sets (South Texas) we try to go for walks if nothing else.  Exercise DOES help us both, usually.  We had been going swimming at the campus pool, and I try to go do group exercise with some ladies I know when we can in the evenings.  Being the working woman sometimes makes it hard to coordinate with SAHMs.  They forget even without kids I have a schedule, too, and can't meet them except after 5. 

Our inspections deal with federal compliance for grant money, so it was a bit stressful, but the VIP was mostly happy with our work and our campus, and since I am new to this position where a lot of that is now my responsibility, it was nice to hear. 

[adaw]

What did you do to my coffee? You are trying to poison me? You want me dead don't you? Surprise mister you are not in my will