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Author Topic: Help with Silent Treatment  (Read 349 times)
Hoping339
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1


« on: August 12, 2016, 01:57:18 AM »

Hi everyone, I am new to this community and hoping I might find help here. I believe my boyfriend of 5 years may have BPD. It was suggested to me a couple of years ago but at the time, I thought it unlikely - I have wondered off and on over the past couple of years if he has bipolar as well (also suggested). I'm not a doctor and I can't be sure this is what he has - there has not been a diagnosis - but I have read through the forum here and other resources online, and the descriptions of BPD sound so much like him. I feel like neither of us are alone in what we have gone through, reading the descriptions. He is a wonderful person - sensitive, kind, funny, and much more - but I have gone through inexplicable rages and silent treatments from him. Back when I used to see him every day and (after that) when we lived together, he would rage, unpredictably. Now that we are living apart (for reasons out of our control, family-related - a temporary situation), I experience silent treatments from him. I have probably been through about 20 of them in 2 years - the longest ones were 3 and 2 months, but most have been one or several days (less than a week) long. I thought the silent treatment days were gone for good because not one had happened in 9 months (the last was in October), until this month. It has now been 3 weeks of silence. This time, he didn't lash out then disappear, he just disappeared.

I will admit that I did not handle the situation, at first, in a way that makes me feel proud and it probably made things worse: First, I was accusatory, then angry and insulted, then panicked, ultimatum-giving, sad, frustrated, and desperate. After 2 weeks, I finally got to a place where I wasn't angry, I felt empathetic, and I wanted to take responsibility for what I had done wrong and badly.

I also admit that in the 9 months (of no incidents) leading up to this, I did not behave as well as I could/should have: In October, I put my foot down and started being much more firm with him about his behavior - and it worked (from that point forward) to keep rages at a minimum and silences non-existent. I felt more empowered, less taken advantage of, and thought maybe it was good (for him) that I set boundaries. However, I think I was more unkind than I needed to be, and I regret now handling things as I did. Now that I understand he may be dealing with a disorder, I feel I may have taken the wrong approach. I myself have a disorder I have been working with (and improved) for a couple of years, so I have empathy and understanding for what he may be dealing with. When I got to the point where I wanted to take responsibility for my mistakes, I wrote him a long text about it, and everything I have sent since (every few days) has been kind. I wrote him a few days ago to let him know I still loved him and always would, and that I was here when he wanted to talk.

I don't know why he stopped speaking to me this time, but I thought through why he may have and realized (in examining my behavior) that I wasn't completely happy with how I'd been relating to him for the past few months, which is why I sent the text apologizing. I'm glad I did and that I took responsibility for things I felt I did badly, even if it's not why he disappeared.

I apologize for the long backstory. My question is: If someone with BPD is giving the silent treatment, what do they likely most want to hear or have done for them by their partner (if they still want them for their partner)? Has anyone found certain approaches to be successful/helpful in these types of situations?

I've had good days and bad days during this silence, as I always do - I didn't expect to go through this ever again, with how much he apologized for the past occurrences. I didn't understand that we might be dealing with a disorder, even though people had suggested it. I go through bouts, often, of feeling desperate to talk to him because I miss him and can't stand not speaking - I just want the silence to end. During past silent treatments, various things have worked to end them, but what has worked most often is going up to his mother's house (where he currently lives) and knocking on his door and talking it out. I can't do that this time because I had a bad interaction with his parents when he first went silent 3 weeks ago, and feel hesitant and concerned about going there.

I really love my boyfriend and I know he loves me too. I don't want to break up and I don't think he does either, but living through 3 weeks of silence again is making me feel insecure and exhausted. I want to help him, us, and myself. I know I've probably messed up with my behavior/choices over time, and have been inconsistent. If he does have this disorder, I want to learn how to work with it. I know that you do not know him, and are not him, and there is more to the story than I have shared in this post, but I am hoping I may receive some insight to get me on a better (and more productive) track. Apologies if this is fragmented or hard to follow. Thank you for your help.
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Meili
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #1 on: August 12, 2016, 12:02:40 PM »

Welcome

Hello Hoping339, for whatever it's worth, you are not alone in having to deal with ST (silent treatment). There are several members here who are currently going through it. The most effective approach seems to be focusing on yourself and your role in the relationship during the periods of ST so that you can change the dynamic when you come out on the other side of it.

There are a lot of tools, workshops, and lessons here that can help you navigate the turbulent waters of a relationship with someone with BPD traits.

None of us are saints. We've all made mistakes in our relationships. Learning from them is the best thing that we can do. I don't get the impression that you're beating yourself up for your transgressions; rather, you are just acknowledging them. That's a great place to begin!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Lilyroze
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Posts: 337



« Reply #2 on: August 12, 2016, 12:30:35 PM »

Dear Hope  

First of all huge   as I know personally what you are going through.

I like your name by the way. Without Hope and Faith we are lost.

Fear knocked on the Door Faith answered ( my favorite saying on Hinds Hotel mantel)

Here is a thread that might be of help. Many were kind enough to help me so I want to repay that in kindness and compassion back:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=296582.0

There is also another thread within the thread Circle kindly gave me as well. I hope it helps.

Welcome to the board. There is many here who care and can support you. There are some great articles on the side bar, and through out the site. Also there are some great resources on boundaries, as well as book recommendations to help you in setting them.

Please make no mistake about it Silent treatment is abuse. You have to now decide what you are willing to accept anymore. What boundaries you can set for you. Healing and self love as well as compassion for yourself began for you. You are now on a journey of not just understanding the silent treatment but what you can do for you during this time.

Do you have a support network outside of here to be there, as you need love, empathy and care at this time as well? Keep eating right, breathe through this, and is there any hobbies or small goals you can do now for you?

The one thing that self respect, self compassion and self care all have in common is they can only start with you. Love yourself through this, and we are here. Keep typing your story I do care.

Since you are looking for solutions as well to make this relationship work one thing I can say is everyone has their own listening patterns, love language and personality type. If possible see if  when things are better you can see what personality type, and love language you both are. Many times you both might be on same page, but well not understanding each other at moment. If you can do that your life will be so much better BPD or even NPD aside. More compassion and empathy in communication both ways does do wonders.

You can always rebuild your foundation and love with better tools in communication. There are some great articles on here, as well as validation tools and workshops.

Also some men or even women but mainly men go into the man cave when upset. It might take a couple of hours, or even days until they want to talk it over. That is the difference between NC and LC and deadly silent treatment. If you can both get him to agree to working with you on it, that when he needs time or angry, upset or worse rageful and wants to get his emotions in check, then a time limit. Meaning you give each other so many hours or a day or he calls you back or works with you on it then. Or even tells you I need some time and will get back but love you. Total difference then this other. I have seen so many studies on how it kills trust in a relationship or the relationship or health of other person as well. It silently kills, as it is ostracization which are brains are wired to hurt from right away.

Working with someone in the know about this in their profession they said anyone that  takes longer then 24 -48 to at least get back and say I love you, I am here but need time has issues probably ranging in the B cluster. Which is fine for me if person would get back and tell me that, or  even tell me what I did wrong so I can try to avoid that, fix it or be better. As none of us are perfect. We all make mistakes, more compassion or empathy with someone that needs time is a wonderful gift for them and ourselves.

So while he is taking this time take time for you. You are precious, you are important as well and don't deserve that. As Hopeful Dad wrote to me it is silently raging at you. That is not cool.

I can see your love and wanting this to work, so hopefully now that you understand his way of handling things, hopefully later you both can work with your different language types, love types, this illness and love to make it work for you both.

One thing I have had to do with this all is realize sometimes we all process things different, try and love different. No one way is best as we are all unique and special in our own ways. So try to see when he is hurt and not take it personal, it is not about you. When he does come around, see what you both could have did different. Don't be hurt or punish him when he does come around if you both can work it out, show love and try a different way of handling next time.

Yes there is times I wish I had handled different as well, didn't realize with this persons childhood this is the best way for them. Shutting down in their hurt, and needed time. I want to learn to be a better listener, communicator, and loving person. I always gave grace and tried but maybe didn't do best for the person at time. Not because I didn't love, want to or did to the best I could. I was doing what I knew at time. Given a chance again would have handled better, sometimes.

That is OK, don't feel bad you did what you could with what you had at time. What a wonderful gift you are giving him and yourself to learn about this and try a different way. Not for him, but you, and your relationship as well as him.

Worse comes to worse then while learning the lessons, and seeing it for what it is you can then decide what you want to do from here to make it best for you. You don't deserve the silent treatment either way. But be there when he comes around. That is love if you want to try in this relationship or illness.

One thing I did want to mention about the man cave or time as well, I realized now what a gift the person gave me to care enough to not want to hurt me in anger. He was trying and holding his tongue which was beautiful, and wise. Being more of an introvert and growing up like he did ( no blame as he is a wonderful person and grew so much from what he had to put up with) he didn't express his needs to family much or me. I want to be able to thank for that, and appreciate it for what it was. We both could have handled better at times. That is life, growth, caring enough about the other to do that in future. Wish you well on this as well.


Keep taking care of you through this. Knowledge is power, so keep reading,learning and trying the new ways to a healthier you, and relationship.

Best regards,

LR

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