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Author Topic: Weekly Child Report Communication Experiences?  (Read 535 times)
Kowalski
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« on: August 12, 2016, 11:07:58 PM »

So before you need to get to far into reading below, my question is, what written format/style do you communicate information about your children to the other co-parent, especially when the children are of toddler years?


I'm navigating a divorce process with my UstbxBPD/NPDw and we currently have a temporary parenting plan that is split 50/50 for our 2.5 yo son. Parenting plan mediation didn't help, which is no surprise. A custody/parenting plan/psych eval is next, which I'll have to pay in full for, as soon as she signs the paperwork... .soon... .hopefully... .

She's been giving me the silent treatment since she left for the second and last time at the end of June, and has barely communicated anything about our son on the weeks she has him. This didn't change until her lawyer prompted her to do what was reasonable: Send a picture every couple of days. Other suggestions negotiated between the lawyers have not been adopted. So the communication is severely limited despite my early efforts at cooperative parenting.

At the end of each week, there is a weekly email sum-up. I've long since stopped trying to do what I think is best, and just mirror the frequency, content and format of what she sends.

Here is an example of what she sends:

Excerpt
Sleeping Issues: None, slept just fine all week.

Food Issues: None. He eats 3 meals with 2 snacks (As opposed to snacks with a smoothie) and the smoothie is now like a side drink instead of the main meal. He is more energetic, able to deal with patience better and in better moods overall with this change.

New Foods: None.

Behavior/mood overall: Energetic, Sponge mentality (repeating everything I say & wanting to learn), content

Health: 100%

Diaper Issues: Thursday he had a bit of diarrhea but it cleared up after 2 diapers that day.

Activities: Included but not limited to the zoo, park, chalk, swimming, water fountain, playing with a new friend whose 3 next door, & riding the MAX.

New Milestones/Behaviors: Another non-screen time week. He began arranging all the letter blocks to create the alphabet. He took foam numbers 0-9 and made new numbers (like 10, 30, 25, etc) and seems to really feel pride in that. The zoo was filled with pointing out animals he did recognize and staring in wonder at those he didn't.

A few notes regarding the above: She's a bit paranoid about our son getting sick in general and food allergies specifically. (I'm not sure why, since the only food allergy he's ever had was to soy, and that was over a year ago.) Thus the reason for "new foods" section. Secondly, with regard to "screen time" she's living with her mother who doesn't have a TV or an iPad: It's been a bone of contention between UstbxBPD/NPDw and myself for some time, because I allowed our son to use the iPad for age appropriate educational apps and YouTube Kids from time to time. So when she mentions "non-screen time", it's a dig at me but also a distortion, since she has no capability for "screen time" where she's living. I used to comment about screen time and how our son started regulating his own time, but at some point I stopped getting hooked into that entirely.

Here is an example of what I send:

Excerpt
Sleeping Issues/News: None. Asked for elephant blanket several times and I explained where it was each time. Ordered him an exact replacement. Got out of crib twice. Will transition to toddler bed. Nap and night schedule adjusted an hour later over the course of the week.

Food Issues/News: None.

New Foods:  Sunflower seeds, goji berries, hamburger, mustard, ketchup, macaroni salad, chocolate chips, mild cheddar cheese dip, Fritos, quesadilla, walnuts

Behavior/Mood Overall: Energetic, enthusiastic, excited, echolalic, engaged, giggly, friendly, resilient. Lots of different sounds to indicate frustration/disagreement/push back, which is normal for a toddler.

Health: 100% 29.6lbs 35.3"

Diaper/Potty Issues:  None. Potty training in earnest. Pretty good and self-congratulatory for #1 #2 in potty, with expected accidents. Peeing less and less in diaper during naps and overnight.

Activities:  Including but not limited to parks, chalk, bath, eating at a restaurant, drawing, reading, swimming, church, exposure to lots of other adults and children in different scenarios, trampoline park

New Milestones/Behaviors:  Hopping. Tumbling. Climbing on top of tall things. Remembered words such as "coffee", "dolphin", "didgeridoo", names like "Hillary Clinton" and "Obama", and more sentences like "That's tea" and "whole minute of time" as he watches digital clocks. Recognizing written words like "egg" and "big." Jumping repeatedly into the pool to the point of going all the way under water while being caught. Blowing bubbles in the water. Kicking part of dog paddle and starting to use arms. Tracing letters and numbers. Someone said that "A" is "clearly advanced."

A note about the above: She has steadfastly refused to transport items back and forth, such as our son's special blankets that he's always slept with. She decided without pre-announcement to keep the "elephant blanket" with her.

Using BIFF and keeping JADE principals in mind, I'm going to streamline and simplify the weekly update further instead of just taking her lead or letting her put her emotional hooks into me.

Suggestions?
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Kowalski
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« Reply #1 on: August 13, 2016, 10:17:09 AM »

So I'm thinking about using the following draft as the next weekly update. It eliminates feeding into her paranoia regarding food allergies that don't really exist, and focuses on new experiences and behaviors rather than listing normal and regular activities, and I eliminated any personalization by removing "me" or "I". Any additional suggestions?

Excerpt
He started the week off by fully moving to a toddler bed ("big boy bed" with no transition. "A" never got out of it during naps or at night. Due to continued potty training at "A's" pace, no longer need to check his diaper in the middle of the night. Speaking of which, he really enjoys potty training books and wants them read multiple times. The only issue of note is he woke up consistently early: 5:15am to 6:30am and didn’t fall asleep until late.

No health issues. Scheduling checkup with Dr.

New Experiences, Developments and Behaviors: Rudimentary math, rudimentary reading (recognizing more words), helping pack up the house, sleeping at a hotel on a hotel bed, color ball pit, bouncy house, backyard camping. Increasingly independent/individuation in language and action, but lacking language to articulate it which shows as frustration. Worked consistently on "Emotion Coaching." Increasingly seeking out hugs and cuddly/head on shoulder for long periods of time at random times. Very interested in traffic lights and watching them change color and calling out waiting for "green".

New Phrases:
  • I all done.
  • See you tomorrow.
  • Big garage door open.
  • I frustrated.
  • Where are my numbers?
  • The numbers are hiding.

What Makes Him Laugh:
  • Singing “Skidamarink a Dink a Dink” or almost any song, and then he will make sounds to stop you from singing, and you exclaim “Darn it!” in mock frustration. He'll say "Again".
  • Play act sleeping, talk about going to sleep, with fake snoring. And he will exclaim “Hey!” to wake you up and start laughing.
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flourdust
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« Reply #2 on: August 13, 2016, 02:25:05 PM »

Honestly, I think this is an excessive amount of information and communication. This seems to not be so much co-parenting as enmeshed parenting.

I would suggest limiting communication to any significant medical issues or developmental changes (potty training is significant, waking up early is not).

Why do you think you need these very detailed reports, which already seem to be a source of power struggles?
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Kowalski
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« Reply #3 on: August 13, 2016, 03:16:39 PM »

Honestly, I think this is an excessive amount of information and communication. This seems to not be so much co-parenting as enmeshed parenting.

I would suggest limiting communication to any significant medical issues or developmental changes (potty training is significant, waking up early is not).

Why do you think you need these very detailed reports, which already seem to be a source of power struggles?

Exactly why I'm working through and exposing things here with people in the community much more experienced than myself. I don't know how things appear or what's normal or expected or how to manage parallel parenting with my UstbxBPD/NPDw. I have a lot to learn. I've never heard of enmeshed parenting.

There's so much more information I'd want, but to expect that she'd reciprocate is wishful thinking, and as you've pointed out just leads to power struggles.

So if I were to "unmesh" things, my report would be two simple lines:

  • Continued potty training at "A" pace
  • No health issues. Scheduling regular checkup with Dr. & will provide date & time.
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« Reply #4 on: August 14, 2016, 12:54:24 AM »

I'd say that's good.  Smaller target.  Factual. 

Maybe think of it like updating a babysitter.  Just the facts.  Maybe you can get to a point someday about talking more about things in general.  I had to place boundaries early on because in a way my ex still acted like we were married.  I never said it,  but I got it into my mind,  "this is a business relationship,  the business of raising the kids. " they were 1 and just 4 when she left.  Joint custody.  She also inherited anxieties from her Hermit mother.  It was hard to deal with together,  but living apart,  I realized I was free.  Kind of.  Mostly.  It's hard to detach from the dynamic of no longer feeling responsible for someone else's feelings. It takes time. 
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bravhart1
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« Reply #5 on: August 14, 2016, 11:29:26 AM »

Funny I found myself reading that log as though OUR BPDm were reading it and she could have turned just about ALL that stuff into serious bad parenting issues. We weren't able to share that we had given SD a vitamin without her making it a serious health concern.

So my point is, yes, limit information. Who's idea was this log?
Her log seemed so obviously pointed, like a brag book. And your log seemed to be explaining too much of your activities, like asking permission. If she could get you to keep sending them, I feel certain she will be using the information against you in the future. They love to track and compile. Beware. And good luck!
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Kowalski
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« Reply #6 on: August 14, 2016, 03:00:55 PM »

Funny I found myself reading that log as though OUR BPDm were reading it and she could have turned just about ALL that stuff into serious bad parenting issues. We weren't able to share that we had given SD a vitamin without her making it a serious health concern.

So my point is, yes, limit information. Who's idea was this log?
Her log seemed so obviously pointed, like a brag book. And your log seemed to be explaining too much of your activities, like asking permission. If she could get you to keep sending them, I feel certain she will be using the information against you in the future. They love to track and compile. Beware. And good luck!

She's never communicated what kind of information she wants from me regarding our son. To be honest we haven't communicated at all what we want from each other regarding co-parenting and information exchange. Communication isn't possible right now, not that I haven't tried. My lawyer was suggested to her lawyer OurFamilyWizard, but that was weeks ago with no response.

I just started mirroring almost exactly what she was doing instead of doing more than she was. Which is why I'm exposing it all here.

Reading "like asking permission" hurts, but I have to consider if it's part of my thinking: That if I do a super awesome job parenting our son (which I've been doing regardless of her for the last year anyway) she'll see my value and want to come back. And there's magical thinking on my part that she really empathically cares about our son and is invested in being a parent despite her actions, instead of using him as a pawn, and maintaining 50/50 because she has a fear that if she does anything less than 50% she'll have to pay me child support.

I'm working on detaching slowly, and as I do I'll include less and less information and focus only on relevant info.
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Kowalski
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« Reply #7 on: August 14, 2016, 03:07:25 PM »

I'd say that's good.  Smaller target.  Factual. 

Maybe think of it like updating a babysitter.  Just the facts.


That's a good way of thinking about it.

Maybe you can get to a point someday about talking more about things in general.

That would be entirely up to her. I don't control that, but I keep wishing and hoping. Gotta stop wishing and hoping.

I had to place boundaries early on because in a way my ex still acted like we were married.

I guess I'm the one acting like we're still married, although legally we still are. However, there's no indication whatsoever, grounded in testable reality, that she's thinking about anything less than divorce.

It's hard to detach from the dynamic of no longer feeling responsible for someone else's feelings. It takes time.

Yes. Indeed. It seems like it's been longer, but in reality I'm only a couple months in the process, and I'm working through detaching and "de-enmeshing" as fast as I can while going through the spiral and dance of grief. "It takes time" doesn't help much because I don't have that perspective yet, but I know logically that it's the truth and reality.
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Kowalski
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« Reply #8 on: August 15, 2016, 11:46:38 AM »

I paired it down to the following this last week, and will continue to pair it down going forward as I continue to detach. I see the point of removing "targets." A part of me worries that it will appear negatively in the custody evaluation.

  • Fully moved to a toddler bed ("big boy bed"
  • Continued potty training at "A's" pace
  • No health issues. Scheduling regular checkup with Dr. & will provide date & time.

New Experiences, Developments and Behaviors:
  • Rudimentary math
  • Rudimentary reading (recognizing more words)
  • Helping pack-up the house
  • Sleeping at a hotel on a hotel bed
  • Color ball pit
  • Backyard camping
  • Riding on top of big Tonka fire engine
  • Increasingly independent/individuation in language and action, but lacking enough language to articulate it which shows up as frustration.
  • Worked consistently on "emotion coaching."
  • With new flotation device, now able and wants to swim on his own all around the pool.
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flourdust
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« Reply #9 on: August 15, 2016, 02:52:35 PM »

Why do you think it will negatively impact you?

FYI, "pared", not "paired."
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Kowalski
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« Reply #10 on: August 15, 2016, 03:08:03 PM »

Why do you think it will negatively impact you?

I guess it's more fear than anything, part of the whole FOG I'm coming out of. I'm sure during the CE she'll claim that I've been uncooperative and unsupportive of co-parenting.

As she stated in a previous report shown in another thread:

"Unless I see behavior that reflects co-parenting (which we have both communicated we want 100% control of the parenting) I may not respond unless it's based on an emergency for 'A'."

The truth being that neither of us have communicated we want "100% control of the parenting", I'm not sure what she even means by that, and I've tried very hard to co-parent without success and without response. My only response to that accusation was to say:

"Regarding co-parenting, if you'd like to champion focusing on what's best for 'A', perhaps a discussion of cooperative vs parallel parenting, as was covered in the required Focus on Children class, with a neutral 3rd party would be a good idea?"

As I'm learning JADE, I'm understanding that I didn't even need to respond to it, and as expected, I never received a response from her.

So while I don't have to defend myself against her, I'll have to come into the CE with a concise timeline, documentation and evidence.

FYI, "pared", not "paired."

Yeah. Thanks for the public grammatical shaming.  You're not the first to tell me.
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flourdust
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« Reply #11 on: August 15, 2016, 08:13:52 PM »

Yeah, I get it. My stbxw likes to lectures me in OFW about co-parenting, while simultaneously forgetting our actual communications. On more than one occasion, I've responded to a long scolding lecture about my poor coparenting by citing the exact dates of the emails where we had previously discussed and resolved the issue she's complaining about.
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Kowalski
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« Reply #12 on: August 15, 2016, 09:12:00 PM »

On more than one occasion, I've responded to a long scolding lecture about my poor coparenting by citing the exact dates of the emails where we had previously discussed and resolved the issue she's complaining about.

Did it help?
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flourdust
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« Reply #13 on: August 16, 2016, 09:08:41 AM »

On more than one occasion, I've responded to a long scolding lecture about my poor coparenting by citing the exact dates of the emails where we had previously discussed and resolved the issue she's complaining about.

Did it help?

That depends on what you mean by 'help.'

It did not get her to acknowledge her mistake or back off from these kinds of claims. But, that wasn't my expectation.

It does help in that it provides a trail of documentation which may prove necessary in court or with a parenting evaluator. Wife claims X, husband provides evidence that X is false. That sort of thing.
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Kowalski
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« Reply #14 on: August 16, 2016, 10:32:48 AM »

That depends on what you mean by 'help.'

It did not get her to acknowledge her mistake or back off from these kinds of claims. But, that wasn't my expectation.

It does help in that it provides a trail of documentation which may prove necessary in court or with a parenting evaluator. Wife claims X, husband provides evidence that X is false. That sort of thing.

From a legal standpoint, I can see how it could help. I'm not surprised that she didn't acknowledge it or back off from additional false claims.

Since my case is ongoing, wouldn't it be better to write to my attorney with a trail of documentation and letting the attorney do what they think is best with the information, instead of responding directly to the UstbxBPD/NPDw and avoiding getting into JADE territory?
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flourdust
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« Reply #15 on: August 16, 2016, 01:23:39 PM »

Since my case is ongoing, wouldn't it be better to write to my attorney with a trail of documentation and letting the attorney do what they think is best with the information, instead of responding directly to the UstbxBPD/NPDw and avoiding getting into JADE territory?

This is a good question for your attorney. Mine believes there is some value in demonstrating responsiveness in communication.
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Kowalski
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« Reply #16 on: August 18, 2016, 03:55:42 PM »

As I communicated to my attorney several months ago, what I feared from the start has come to pass. My UstbxBPD/NPDw is withdrawing from our son's life instead of taking ownership of her issues, behavior and decisions.

After my attorney has been trying to get in touch with her attorney regarding a missed deadline regarding picking up her property, not taking ownership of a domain name for her photography hobby, and verifying if a voluntary custody evaluation (CE) authorization has been signed, out of the blue her attorney indicated that she proposes that I be awarded full custody of our son and she only has one week a month with him. And once our son begins pre-k, she'd like the option to exercise up to 12 weeks of parenting time a year during summer and holidays.

 

She will still agree to a CE if I pay for it, but I suspect she'll derail the effort by not cooperating if I were to go that route. And what would be the point of a CE? Perhaps roll the dice that along with her existing diagnosed mental health issues, she'll be officially diagnosed with a PD? Even with such a diagnoses, nobody can force her to get treatment.

She says through her attorney that she "simply cannot keep fighting" me and "enduring [my] behavior." Huh?

The attorney ends by relaying that she claims that I have her therapists records "which she is apparently quite upset about." Oh, does she mean the authorization she herself signed to allow my attorney to talk to her therapist by phone several weeks ago, or perhaps the super-secret CIA skills I apparently have that allowed me to break into her therapist's office and steal her records?

My attorney is OOTO until Monday, so I have several days to digest things.
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« Reply #17 on: August 18, 2016, 04:03:09 PM »

That's so weird... .but around here it seems to be the norm. Say she did agree to one week per month, how many consecutive days? Even if this were agreed to, writing in an "option" sounds sketchy. No. At that point (pre-K) we can do a CE and go from there. Options sound like drama waiting to happen.

The main thing here is that your son is at or just past the critical attachment stage. It's why my order of joint custody was 3-2-2-3 (the 3s being Friday night through Monday morning) in order for then D1 and S3 not to be separated from either parent for too long.

What it does show is that maybe the court would see that she doesn't seem to have the best interests of her child in mind. Might be good to post this new development to the legal board.
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Kowalski
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« Reply #18 on: August 18, 2016, 04:06:29 PM »

What it does show is that maybe the court would see that she doesn't seem to have the best interests of her child in mind. Might be good to post this new development to the legal board.

Yeah... .From what I've read around here, it seems to be the type of unexpected expected behavior.

We were doing 50/50, week on/week off.

I was thinking of starting a discussion in the legal board since this has moved from communication to something else entirely.
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Kowalski
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« Reply #19 on: August 24, 2016, 06:33:29 PM »

This was the last weekly report I received.

Excerpt
Son Week August 14th-21st

S2 tried a new form of melon with no negative side effects thus far.

There were no issues of any kind this week with food, diaper, etc; he went many places, experienced new and old locations that are favorites and interacted with many people. He continues to thrive and soak up knowledge.

She broke her format and provided less information, which I'm perfectly fine with. Less info. Less drama. We don't need to impress or reassure each other that we're taking care of S2, nor do we need permission. Frankly, I don't believe what she tells me anyway.

Interesting that she's still paranoid about reactions to food. I won't be playing to those fears anymore. I scheduled an appointment with S2's doctor for next month and informed her, but I doubt she'll be there for it... .in fact I'd prefer if she wasn't there.

In other developments as covered in a different thread elsewhere, she's proposed that I have full custody and she only wants to spend one week a month with S2.
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