Thoughts on new boundary

[jrharvey]

This one is kind of tough.

First thing is we have made pretty awesome progress and Im at a happy and pretty stable state. I think we both feel the same. Nothing wrong with trying to improve though. Im hoping one day to post in the success story wall.

We fight a lot about the same issue over and over again. Lately it hasn't been a fight but more of her getting her feelings out by talking about them so we have made huge progress there. The issue is always how she is upset about the past. Almost every fight, every talk or disagreement turns in to how I did wrong in the past. Its something that just always causes problems. If I mention something that she did in the past then I am wrong for bringing up the past and I hold on to grudges even if it was a week ago. If she mentions something that happened 8 months ago she feels like I need to listen, be understanding and accept verbal put downs and some abusive language for what I did 8 months ago. I always put up a boundary for verbal abuse. I wont stay and listen to verbal put downs or abusive language anymore.

So there needs to be a boundary here. I know that if we want to continue a healthy relationship the constant attacks about the past need to stop. Stopping the triggers isnt an option. Almost anything can trigger this feeling. We both need to be able to move forward and forgive any mistakes.

This is a tough one because Im not really sure the balance between being validating, holding a boundary, not abandoning and being understanding is. Boundaries are also about what I will do in a certain situation and almost everything I can think of will cause a problem.

If something triggers her to get really upset and she starts bringing up the past I can only think of a few ways to react... .
1. I could tell her no we are not talking about that again and I wont be attacked. She may take this as a threat and leave or go silent.
2. I could leave the situation but she may feel abandoned or think I am not understanding or validating.
3. I could stay and listen and not take things personally. I could stay calm and validate when I can. This is what I have been doing. The only problem is it does not stop the long talks about the past. I didn't JADE or anything last night. I sat and listened and validated what I was able to. It was just a 2 hour talk that ended pretty good. We were happy by the end of the night and being very affectionate. My only worry is that if I continue this method I am enabling this type of relationship where its ok to attack me about my past and I just sit there quietly without reaction.

What not to do.
1. Bring up her past. This makes things worse.
2. JADE. Defending just makes things worse and causes arguments.

What are your thoughts? What's the healthiest way to respond.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[motherhen]

Just my thoughts. While my spouse has learned coping skills for the present time dysregulation, I've not seen him be able to apply that retroactively. So, when something comes up from long ago or triggers the same emotion he felt in a long past scenario he sometimes responds with alllllll the unaddressed with emotions from whatever long ago scenario. For me this isn't so much directed at me as dredging up our past issues, as it is that a disagreement with me might trigger those emotional memories and cause dysregulation. BPDh has some pretty serious PTSD from childhood and if I can still get through and he can identify the emotion we can agree to just deal with the emotion and situation from right now, and pack the rest back up to deal with at some later time. For example one episode he exclaimed that he felt powerless and I realized that it was triggering the emotion he felt as a child seeing his mother being abused. I was able to validate that he was being triggered this way and he visibly calmed down and was able to better work through just the actual situation of that day.

I know I've brought up things from the past in the heat of the moment, and I would have not done that if I had a cooling off period before discussing it. I'm thinking that a boundary might be that we need to stick to the current situation for the conversation to be productive and if the person still feels the need to discuss the past issue, we can make a time to address it. Like a 24 hour waiting period. 

[Skip]

What is the issue she keep bringing up?