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Author Topic: BPD Friend Going Through a Tough Time  (Read 369 times)
SummerStorm
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 926



« on: August 14, 2016, 05:14:11 AM »

I could tell that my BPD friend has been going through something recently.  Her boyfriend is a recovering heroin addict, and ever since they got back from vacation a few weeks ago, I haven't seen a single picture of him.  She went from documenting every moment they spent together to not showing him at all.  Starting about a week ago, it was clear that he wasn't with her at her apartment and that he must have been at the townhouse they are moving in to next month.  This was confirmed by her stepbrother.  Her boyfriend, his friend, and her stepbrother are at the townhouse, while she is by herself at the apartment.

She shared a post recently about how bad heroin is, so I thought something might be up, and for the past week, it's been really clear that she's been depressed.  I told her mom, who lives far away, what I've seen in terms of Snapchat, and her mom contacted her and asked if everything is okay.  She said she's fine, she commented on Facebook that she's fine, etc.

This morning, I just happened to wake up at 4:30.  I got on my phone to check the time and saw I had a Snap from another friend, so I opened it.  I then saw that my BPD friend has posted something to her Snapchat story, so I opened that.  It just said, "Anyone awake?"   I replied that I was and asked if she couldn't sleep or if she was at work (she sometimes works third shift).  An hour later, she replied and said she couldn't sleep.  I told her that I'm here if she needs to talk, and she replied, "I have to take my boyfriend to rehab."

So, this obviously explains everything from the past week or two.  This is just such a bad situation for everyone.  She obviously has her own demons to battle, and he is far from being well.  I wish she could find people to date who are sober, educated, mature, and responsible.  It just makes me sad, all around.  Other than being supportive, I know that there's really nothing more I can do.  I just wish there was.
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So when will this end it goes on and on/Over and over and over again/Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop/Till I step down from this for good - Lifehouse "Sick Cycle Carousel"
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This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Notwendy
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« Reply #1 on: August 14, 2016, 08:01:55 AM »

It is difficult to watch someone we care about go through the outcome of their choices. But really, it is how other people learn. We may have tendencies to protect, rescue, want better for them- but- if we rescue them, we interrupt this learning process. Naturally, we should step in if someone is imminently harmful to themselves or others, like taking the keys from a friend who has been drinking, or calling 911 for self harm threats, but in general, natural consequences is a good teacher for poor choices- and a better teacher than being rescued.

I learned this idea from co-dependency groups. If love is wanting the best for someone, sometimes that "best" is allowing them to learn from natural consequences. Sometimes it is allowing a person to "hit bottom" so that they can find the desire to change.

I had to learn this in my own relationships. I was the one who tried to smooth things over, manage other people's distress. It's a general principal of parenting as well. We protect our kids from harm. But if our kid goes outside without a jacket, he will be cold, and from that experience he will learn to put on his jacket first. If mom  reminds him all the time, the locus of motivation will be her, not him. If he learns the lesson, then he learns to manage his choice.

You want better for your friend, but ultimately, she needs to want better for her. This is her lesson to learn, and while it is distressing, she is not in imminent danger. This could be a blessing for her and the BF ( whether or not they stay together). He is getting help- and that could save his life. If they stay together, many rehab places offer therapy for partners as well as patients. She may also learn to make better choices.

Perhaps the best way to be supportive is to be empathetic, but allow this process to go as it goes without attempting to "help" too much. If she gets to feel the impact of this choice ( without you soothing her), this may be the best lesson for her.
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SummerStorm
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« Reply #2 on: August 16, 2016, 08:41:25 AM »

Notwendy,

Thanks for the reply. 

It seems like she wants to stay with him, and her mother (whom I regularly talk to) is in a panic because of it.  Her best friend was married to an addict for over 20 years and finally walked away because it had drained the life out of her. 

Last night, BPD friend was drinking, but she was at home, and it was only hard soda, which barely contains any alcohol, so I wasn't really too concerned. 

I should note that, since being diagnosed last year, she refuses to admit that she has any problems, but I still see all of her negative traits shining through.  So, that's just really frustrating because I feel like, even if she does decide to talk to me about it, I don't know if I can really trust most of what she says.  Last week, she posted some pictures to Snapchat, saying that she was spending the night alone because "the boyfriend told her she couldn't go out and have fun."  Now, that wasn't really the case at all.  She was depressed because he started using again, which is completely understandable, but there was no reason to go out and lie to everyone and make him out to be the reason why she didn't want to go out that night.  This is something I've seen her do many, many times.  I sort of get why she does it--to avoid responsibility but also to avoid having people get mad at her--but it makes it really hard to believe anything she says. 

I'm just hoping she can take the next few weeks and really think about the future and her best interests.  If she wants to stay with him, fine, but she needs to realize what that means.  Unfortunately, it could mean her being alone for weeks at a time, while he cycles in and out of rehab (he's already been there at least once before).  Like you said, that's her journey in life, and I can't help her with it, but I hope she can try to look at all sides of the situation.
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So when will this end it goes on and on/Over and over and over again/Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop/Till I step down from this for good - Lifehouse "Sick Cycle Carousel"
Notwendy
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« Reply #3 on: August 16, 2016, 08:58:49 AM »

It is really hard to watch people we care about make decisions that we don't think are the best for them. However, at some point, for me, I had to ask how much is my thinking about them, being concerned actually affecting me? Think of all the mental energy I could have for other things if I were not thinking about them quite as much.

I know that you care very much for this person, and that you can continue to care about her. For us though, keeping a firm grip on our boundaries is important, so we can still be happy regardless of their choices. Sometimes in a relationship with someone we are close to, it is hard to tell which is them and which is us when we witness their discomfort. But for them, it is likely the best thing to do to let them manage their own feelings and choices.

For me, being overly concerned with others is such a natural act that I have to stay aware of it. In my own relationship I tried hard to smooth my H's discomfort- but it was better to let him do that. My task was to manage my own discomfort at seeing someone else in discomfort and my urge to fix it, think of what they should do better. Ironically, when I stepped back, sometimes the other person solved their own issues better than I could do it for them.

I watched my elderly parents make decisions that I didn't agree with. It was very difficult. But a social worker reminded me that, as adults, they had the choice to make decisions on their own. My mother (BPD) mishandles money, and Dad always took care of that. With Dad gone, I was concerned about this, but she didn't want my help. Now, that she has made some errors, she is taking steps to learn to manage it. She had to be allowed to learn this on her own.  These errors can be about anything, substances, jobs, relationships, and as long as they are not life threatening ( where we can step in), it may be better to let them learn.

The solution to caring too much seems to come back at us, our own interests, our own self care. You love your friend, but your first love is you. Can you extend this same concern and love to you- and increase your self care and self love- and let your friend take the journey she has chosen for herself?
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SummerStorm
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 926



« Reply #4 on: August 16, 2016, 09:29:17 AM »

Notwendy,

It probably seems like I spend all of my time thinking about her, but I really don't.  Most days, I spend around 5 hours a day walking/running, playing Pokemon Go.  I went to see a movie the other day.  Two days ago, I went shopping and took myself out for lunch.  I'm a teacher and spent two days last week prepping my room.  Tomorrow, I'm going away all day with my mom, eating lunch out and shopping.  Friday, I'm going to a Pokemon Go meet and greet event at the lake with other people from a Facebook group.  One of my former students is getting ready to start college, and we talk every day about it and about life in general.  I go back to work next Monday, so I'm starting to think about lesson plans.  I have two women's pro soccer games coming up in September, along with a tentative trip to the aquarium. 

My main concern with her will always be a suicide attempt.  She's already had four, one of which very nearly killed her, and they are always very, very unexpected.  But usually, they revolve around her being alone and thinking she can't live without the person she's dating.  So, she can drink, date an addict, party, do whatever.  I just don't want to see her go down that path again. 
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So when will this end it goes on and on/Over and over and over again/Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop/Till I step down from this for good - Lifehouse "Sick Cycle Carousel"
Notwendy
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10440



« Reply #5 on: August 16, 2016, 11:04:49 AM »

Pokemon works !  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Glad to see you are having fun. I get the suicide concern- it's a terrible thing. It's also a tough fear to have. Just know in your heart that even the most loving friend can't affect her right to make choices. Certainly if you suspect anything - call 911 to get her immediate help. All we can do is the best we can. It's tough.

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