I think my boyfriend has BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi  ,

I'm struggling in my relationship. My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months. At the beginning of our relationship, things escalated quickly. After we met, we were dating 2 weeks later. I remember being charmed and feeling very adored. I didn't realize that people with BPD start relationships quickly. I enjoy space, and my bf and I lived in different cities at the time. He didn't take well to that, and was very clingy. I enjoyed the attention, but at the same time was overtaken by it. We ended up living together after 2 months, because his roommate kicked him out. Thats when I started to notice the signs of BPD. I realize that his fear of abandonment spiraled the downfall. He does not have a relationship with his father, because he abandoned his family. He was almost sexually molested by another boy when he was younger, which I think he suffers from PTSD because of.

What has happened, is that our arguments have escalated ever since we have been living together. I am a confrontational person, and will voice when he has hurt my feelings. He is very very defensive. How is that? He plays the blame game with me, telling me I am making myself feel that way. He is incapable of taking responsibility for his actions and lacks empathy. He also tells me I never have anything positive to say about him. Is this the BPD talking? He has a very bad temper, and will scream and yell at me for voicing how I feel. He has told me my feelings trump his, and I really don't love him. Its all very confusing for me.

Due to this emotional turmoil of having your partner emotionally abuse you, I tried breaking up with him about 2 or 3 times. Each time, he has either verbally or physically stopped me from leaving. Pleading with me he will change, and I need to change my outlook on his behavior, because he told me I get mad over small things he does to me. I realize his fear of abandonment prevents him from allowing me to leave. When I tried breaking up with him today, he threatened to kill himself and said he was a burden to everyone. Today was the first time he mention suicide and I said to myself, "Wow, something is seriously wrong. I have to find out what it is." I've been researching BPD for the past 6 hours.

What led me to do research on personality disorders is that an ex of his told me he was cheating on me with her by saying sexual things to her through text messages. She enlightened me on his cheating past, and I found out he looks at dirty websites, like girls on webcam doing naughty things. To rationalize this to myself, I have discovered it is a symptom of his BPD. Taking away his emotional pain, he looks at provocative images of women, then feels guilty afterwards. I think he tries to fill the void within himself by looking at those images.

Today was the first time I researched BPD and the symptoms relate to my boyfriend clearly. The ones I believe he possess are: Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment (his father left him/he does not allow me to break up with him), Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self (he has no self-worth, he was bullied as a child/teen because he stutters), Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (looking at porn, imo is self-damaging because it damages what a healthy sexual relationship is like, and smokes weed daily, which could be damaging as it is the only coping mechanism he has), Chronic feelings of emptiness (he has no hobbies, or friends, he feels very isolated and alone) Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (the many times he has raised his voice at me for voicing how he has hurt my feelings all I receive is anger) I would list suicide, but today was the first day he ever threaten it to me, so I'm unsure if it is a recurring behavior or not.

I would appreciate any help or advice on this matter. I would like for him to see a psychologist, but am unsure of how to bring it up. He understands there is something wrong with him, at least I genuinely believe that, or maybe he doesn't. Whatever the case may be, I think he does realize he needs help because he always says his life is so awful and he doesn't know how to fix it. I believe that going to therapy and possibly DBT would do great wonders for him. I know I cannot diagnose him, but from what I have read online, it is starting to make sense to me. Am I imaging these things, or would someone with BPD actually behave this way?

Many thanks <3

[justloverain]

Hi  ,

I'm struggling in my relationship. My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months. At the beginning of our relationship, things escalated quickly. After we met, we were dating 2 weeks later. I remember being charmed and feeling very adored. I didn't realize that people with BPD start relationships quickly. I enjoy space, and my bf and I lived in different cities at the time. He didn't take well to that, and was very clingy. I enjoyed the attention, but at the same time was overtaken by it. We ended up living together after 2 months, because his roommate kicked him out. Thats when I started to notice the signs of BPD. I realize that his fear of abandonment spiraled the downfall. He does not have a relationship with his father, because he abandoned his family. He was almost sexually molested by another boy when he was younger, which I think he suffers from PTSD because of.

What has happened, is that our arguments have escalated ever since we have been living together. I am a confrontational person, and will voice when he has hurt my feelings. He is very very defensive. How is that? He plays the blame game with me, telling me I am making myself feel that way. He is incapable of taking responsibility for his actions and lacks empathy. He also tells me I never have anything positive to say about him. Is this the BPD talking? He has a very bad temper, and will scream and yell at me for voicing how I feel. He has told me my feelings trump his, and I really don't love him. Its all very confusing for me.

Due to this emotional turmoil of having your partner emotionally abuse you, I tried breaking up with him about 2 or 3 times. Each time, he has either verbally or physically stopped me from leaving. Pleading with me he will change, and I need to change my outlook on his behavior, because he told me I get mad over small things he does to me. I realize his fear of abandonment prevents him from allowing me to leave. When I tried breaking up with him today, he threatened to kill himself and said he was a burden to everyone. Today was the first time he mention suicide and I said to myself, "Wow, something is seriously wrong. I have to find out what it is." I've been researching BPD for the past 6 hours.

What led me to do research on personality disorders is that an ex of his told me he was cheating on me with her by saying sexual things to her through text messages. She enlightened me on his cheating past, and I found out he looks at dirty websites, like girls on webcam doing naughty things. To rationalize this to myself, I have discovered it is a symptom of his BPD. Taking away his emotional pain, he looks at provocative images of women, then feels guilty afterwards. I think he tries to fill the void within himself by looking at those images.

Today was the first time I researched BPD and the symptoms relate to my boyfriend clearly. The ones I believe he possess are: Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment (his father left him/he does not allow me to break up with him), Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self (he has no self-worth, he was bullied as a child/teen because he stutters), Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (looking at porn, imo is self-damaging because it damages what a healthy sexual relationship is like, and smokes weed daily, which could be damaging as it is the only coping mechanism he has), Chronic feelings of emptiness (he has no hobbies, or friends, he feels very isolated and alone) Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (the many times he has raised his voice at me for voicing how he has hurt my feelings all I receive is anger) I would list suicide, but today was the first day he ever threaten it to me, so I'm unsure if it is a recurring behavior or not.

I would appreciate any help or advice on this matter. I would like for him to see a psychologist, but am unsure of how to bring it up. He understands there is something wrong with him, at least I genuinely believe that, or maybe he doesn't. Whatever the case may be, I think he does realize he needs help because he always says his life is so awful and he doesn't know how to fix it. I believe that going to therapy and possibly DBT would do great wonders for him. I know I cannot diagnose him, but from what I have read online, it is starting to make sense to me. Am I imaging these things, or would someone with BPD actually behave this way?

Many thanks <3

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi justloverain and

youve come to the right place. it feels like such a relief to finally learn that there is an explanation that makes sense for your experience, no? members here are either experiencing similar behaviors, or have in the past. the good news is that there is a lot of hope - i encourage you to get very acquainted with the lessons directly to the right ----->. youll learn about communication tools that lessen conflict, build trust and understanding, youll learn about boundaries and how to take a time out, and youll learn more about the disorder, and be able to depersonalize behavior that can be very hurtful, even scary.

what would you say is the likelihood of him seeking help?

[justloverain]

hi justloverain and

youve come to the right place. it feels like such a relief to finally learn that there is an explanation that makes sense for your experience, no? members here are either experiencing similar behaviors, or have in the past. the good news is that there is a lot of hope - i encourage you to get very acquainted with the lessons directly to the right ----->. youll learn about communication tools that lessen conflict, build trust and understanding, youll learn about boundaries and how to take a time out, and youll learn more about the disorder, and be able to depersonalize behavior that can be very hurtful, even scary.

what would you say is the likelihood of him seeking help?

Yes, it feels very comforting to find out there is an explantation for my experience. Makes me feel like I'm not alone, which is how I've been feeling the past few months. I knew his behavior was out of the ordinary, I just didn't know if there was a word for it. Thank you, I will check out those

The likelihood of him seeking help would be based on how much I pushed the issue. If it was an ultimatum per se, he would definitely go. I'm unsure if he would be hesitant to go. I really don't know how he would react to it, I just have a feeling it would be a negative reaction. How do you tell the person you love you think they have a personality disorder?

[once removed]

How do you tell the person you love you think they have a personality disorder?

generally speaking, its not encouraged: Telling Someone You Think They Have BPD

has the subject of therapy or counseling ever come up? you can encourage and support the idea. it can be a rocky road, and generally a person has to want it and be open to it. youre right, an ultimatum may push him to go, but may not get very far or come back to bite you. you can also lead by example. are you seeing a therapist or counselor yourself? highly recommended around here.

what this board and the tools are primarily about are not just diffusing conflict, but creating peace and space for yourself. relationships need boundaries, but people with BPD especially. conversely, pwBPD struggle with and may have a tendency to "bust" your boundaries. sometimes it gets worse before it gets better, and there are success stories (a sticky thread at the top). it takes strength and consistency. it takes a great deal of emotional strength, the ability to not take most things personally, but also to draw lines. are you up for this?

you enjoy space, and i think thats a good sign, as these relationships can get very enmeshed. what do you do for self care and "me time"?

[justloverain]

How do you tell the person you love you think they have a personality disorder?

generally speaking, its not encouraged: Telling Someone You Think They Have BPD

has the subject of therapy or counseling ever come up? you can encourage and support the idea. it can be a rocky road, and generally a person has to want it and be open to it. youre right, an ultimatum may push him to go, but may not get very far or come back to bite you. you can also lead by example. are you seeing a therapist or counselor yourself? highly recommended around here.

what this board and the tools are primarily about are not just diffusing conflict, but creating peace and space for yourself. relationships need boundaries, but people with BPD especially. conversely, pwBPD struggle with and may have a tendency to "bust" your boundaries. sometimes it gets worse before it gets better, and there are success stories (a sticky thread at the top). it takes strength and consistency. it takes a great deal of emotional strength, the ability to not take most things personally, but also to draw lines. are you up for this?

you enjoy space, and i think thats a good sign, as these relationships can get very enmeshed. what do you do for self care and "me time"?

LOL I didn't think it would be encouraged! Just from my original post, do you think he has the symptoms of someone with BPD? Just from an outsider's perspective, its nice to know what you think. Yes I have recommended therapy before, because of his lack of self-worth and self-esteem. It was an issue that I wanted to address, and he is so used to push things under the rug, it never got resolved. Yes, I would definitely see a therapist, theres only so much my friends can do to help, but since they are biased I would love to talk to an unbiased person about my relationship.

Yep, he's definitely great at busting my boundaries. Not like I ever really had any to begin with. I remember after a big fight I told myself I would have a boundary, and not let him get to me like that again. Nope, never worked. It was a nice thought, but I was unable to put it into practice. Yes, I am up for it. I love him very much, and never experienced a love like this before. I know that something is off with him, and if he and I both learnt the appropriate coping mechanisms and communication skills then things would go smoothly. He definitely has a way of projecting because as I was reading how important it is to validate a pwBPD's emotions... .he never does that for me. It has always been an argument about he does not validate or understand my emotions and feelings. It seems odd to me that he is the one needing the reassuring... .when he can't give it to me. Is that a common theme around pwBPD?

Self-care and me time have definitely been neglected the past 6 months. Completely neglected that I have forgotten what my hobbies are and what I enjoy to do when I'm not around him. I've been used to emotionally being his punching bag that when he is not around to do that, I don't know what I'm suppose to do. That is where boundaries come in because I definitely enable him to treat me the way he does. I have so many high strung emotions that I want to be listened to, and he doesn't, he only cares about listening to his emotions because I am wrong. Is that the disorder? I feel like I make his BPD worse because I'm a fighter, I don't back down when we argue. I only stop once I've had enough crying and feeling awful for the way he has treated me. Definitely learning not to take things personally will be hard but I'm willing to try.

[Jessica84]

Sorry you are going through this. These relationships can be overwhelming and confusing. But learning about BPD this early on is a great start. It can help you avoid the pitfalls of dealing with someone suffering this disorder.

He also tells me I never have anything positive to say about him. Is this the BPD talking?

This is his way of telling you he doesn't feel validated. You can learn how to validate him effectively here, and also how to avoid invalidating him.

Pleading with me he will change, and I need to change my outlook on his behavior, because he told me I get mad over small things he does to me.

In his own way, he is asking you not to take him personally. This is golden. Very hard NOT to take what he says or does personally, especially when directed at you. But it usually isn't about us. Projection is often used when they can't cope with their own emotions. So try your best not to take him personally.

I believe that going to therapy and possibly DBT would do great wonders for him. I know I cannot diagnose him, but from what I have read online, it is starting to make sense to me. Am I imaging these things, or would someone with BPD actually behave this way?

The diagnosis is less important than learning how to handle the traits and reducing conflicts. You can learn a great deal of communication skills to help with that here.

[once removed]

Just from my original post, do you think he has the symptoms of someone with BPD?

echoing  Jessica84, we are not professionals and cannot diagnose anyone (most of the partners and exes on this forum are undiagnosed) but i can say the behaviors you are experiencing are in line with my experience and others, and that youre in the right place. diagnoses are less important than the behaviors youre experiencing, though they can explain the pathology and motivations/driving factors behind some behaviors.

It seems odd to me that he is the one needing the reassuring... .when he can't give it to me. Is that a common theme around pwBPD?

yes, and this is especially hard not to take personally. people with BPD tend to feel emotions more strongly than your average person (understatement) and are overwhelmed with them; they also may take things very personally. if youre upset about something unrelated to him, it may cause him feelings of inadequacy. thats not your responsibility, though.

different people in our lives meet different needs. i have some friends that are highly sympathetic, empathetic, great shoulders to cry on, and others not so much. this person may not be capable (at least right now) or at least limited in meeting that need for you. this is why a good support system (this forum, friends, family, loved ones, a good therapist) are crucial.

Self-care and me time have definitely been neglected the past 6 months. Completely neglected that I have forgotten what my hobbies are and what I enjoy to do when I'm not around him.

self care is also crucial. it can be easy to drift toward codependency and losing ourselves within these relationships, spending all of our time absorbed in drama or managing our partners. think of an oxygen mask on an airplane - its hard for the relationship to be at its best if youre not.

[justloverain]

Wow, thank you so much Jessica84! Gee, it feels so great to not feel alone anymore. It was like my relationship was my own personal hell that I wouldn't get away from because of my love I have for him. At times I felt trapped in a relationship I didn't want to be in. Obviously I'm still here and want to be, but those feelings definitely have a way of creeping back in.

My goodness. Taking him personally has been one of the main issues and I'm glad to see its not about that at all. Its really amazing once you figure out the reason for the way things are happening. I'm so glad I found this forum.

I have been coping with his disorder for half a year now, so I think once I learn to methods of communicating with him my relationship will greatly improve. I've been trying to figure out why the communication was so off. Thank you both so much for interacting with me, I appreciate it so much. This forum is definitely doing wonders for my self-care now. Thank you so much. 

I really understand now that it is not about his diagnosis, it is about learning how to have better communication. This is so amazing to me to finally have an answer and not take this as a personal attack on myself for being an insufficient communicator. Is there a way I could get him to therapy? I don't want to offend him by assuming something is not right with him, but my relationship does need saving desperately.

[Jessica84]

You're way ahead of a lot us, justloverain... .I went thru almost 5 years of emotional rollercoaster riding before discovering BPD. By then, I was hopelessly confused and second-guessed myself into someone unrecognizable to my old self! So be glad you found this forum sooner than later. 

Getting him to therapy can be tough. There's no magic cure. It's a long process and they have to be ready to do it for themselves and follow through. Suggesting therapy to a pwBPD can also make them feel even more defective than they already feel. So I mostly steer clear of it with my guy. Remember-- we can't change them. We can only change ourselves and try to improve the dynamics in our relationships with them. We can stop taking their words to heart, start validating their feelings, de-escalate conflicts and take care of ourselves with the use of boundaries.

[justloverain]

Absolutely, I believe he can only change himself, not me. Thank you for your kind words Jessica84. I truly believe he can get better, and I hope I am able to encourage him that he can.

I did some research and also discovered I believe he has Dependent Personality Disorder as well. I think I could use this to my advantage into getting him into therapy. I have decided I will first go alone, then ask if he would like to go with me. I'll see how it goes.

I spoke to his estranged father today who informed me my boyfriend's mother also shows signs of BPD. She has manipulated her children into not having a relationship with their father which really breaks my heart. I'm developing a relationship with his father and step-mother, which I think is beneficial in my own support group as they are nons. I hope for the best, and I feel so much hope and support with the help of this forum as well as the newly found relationships I have developed.

It makes me weary of having children with my boyfriend, out of fear they will also develop BPD. I'm only 21, so that is a far road ahead. I have been reading that both nature and nurture play a role in the development of BPD, so I wouldn't necessarily assume that any children would have the disorder, seeing as my boyfriend's sister is a non.

[once removed]

I spoke to his estranged father today who informed me my boyfriend's mother also shows signs of BPD. She has manipulated her children into not having a relationship with their father which really breaks my heart. I'm developing a relationship with his father and step-mother, which I think is beneficial in my own support group as they are nons.

i encourage you to tread very lightly here. should your boyfriend become aware, this may be viewed as a betrayal.

[justloverain]

Yes, I do not have any intention of telling him I spoke with his father. I have decided that I will call a therapist in my area and tell them that I believe my partner has BPD and hopefully they will suggest a way of having him come to a session. I am hopeful overall.

The internet is a great place to find information, as well as books. Do you all have any recommendations for books? I just purchased the BPD Survival Guide by Alexander Chapman and Kris Gratz. Its a great read so far.

How have any of you all's relationships improved with a pwBPD?

[motherhen]

My husband was very open to the possibility that he may have BPD, in fact he first suggested it. He was actually relieved that there was an explanation and reason behind behaviors that he couldn't explain and make NO sense if you don't understand the disorder. I gather that is uncommon on this forum, but I've reached out to several acquaintances that I knew have dx BPD and they are both pretty okay with their dx and accepting of tools to help it. I suppose it depends on the person and the loved ones of those who accept and want help for it are perhaps less likely to post in a forum like this. Learning about it has changed our relationship completely in the other direction from where we were a few months ago. He has far less outbursts, recovers quickly from them and is receptive to doing an autopsy on them later. He's doing the DBT skills workbook. I respond (most of the time but not perfectly) with validation and empathy. I'm not a confrontational person particularly but over many years of setting hard core boundaries without understanding the disorder I became confrontational with him. Understanding the why behind it has toned that down and he's responded really well to it.

I hope that you have success whatever the outcome in your relationship. Just knowing can be a huge weight off your shoulders. It's very freeing to realize it's not you, it is BPD and you can change your behavior. Which may or may not change theirs. It depends how open they are to it. I would encourage you to not give up any more hobbies, relationships or the things that define you and to reclaim those you have. It may escalate behavior in the short term, but losing yourself won't save him. Read around the board a bit and see how much some have given up in their relationships and don't become one of those people.

[once removed]

Do you all have any recommendations for books?

we have a list of suggested reading here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/book-reviews

How have any of you all's relationships improved with a pwBPD?

im no longer in my relationship, but i can tell you what helped and didnt help. the latter list is longer; i did the best i could with what i had at the time, but i learned a lot from what i could have improved.

worked to the extent i maintained: consistent boundaries even in the face of protest or more extreme behavior
my support system in terms of friends and family
my hobbies, interests, self care, my values
im a "good boyfriend". the stuff i did that she appreciated was stuff most people would.

didnt work: invalidating
JADEing
being drawn into circular arguments
trying to teach my partner how to behave or what i deemed appropriate
tit for tat and passive aggressive stuff
seeing my partner as a project
my own immaturity and unresolved issues

[Jessica84]

I highly recommend Stop Walking on Eggshells by Randi Kreger -- a real eye-opener!

I stumbled on this book by accident at a bookstore after another big argument with my BPDbf. I saw the title and bought it immediately. I didn't study the contents closely before purchasing so I had no idea it was about BPD! I'm grateful for this happy accident. Gave me all kinds of light bulb moments.