Do they ever learn to let go of grudges?

[montenell]

So yesterday after dropping the kids at work the wife and I go to the park and take a walk. She goes on to complain about every relationship she has. Her mom, my mom, her friends etc until she finally lands on me. She then brings up ancient issues ( we've been married 10 years wow, this was from when we dated for 7 years again wow). At this point she begins raging but I don't respond until she kept saying "you ain't got nothing to say" then I start taking which makes get angrier and she tells me not to talk to her in a not so nice manner to which I gladly obliged. We go home she calms down gets us food apologised and ended up starting the conversation again eventually asking why does loving me hurt so bad... I explain that it's no walk in the park being in a relationship with her and that I sacrificed myself and most of my adulthood with her. Now she refers to herself as a monster and a succubus and I tell her I'm not playing the blame game etc... She brings up going to therapy to deal with her issues (I know she won't go from previous experience). But my question is do BPDs ever learn to let things go, I'm not going to have this discussion another 5,10,15 years but is it even reasonable they she will learn to let go of not only ways I may have offended her but others as well?

[ArleighBurke]

This pattern is common. There are many similar stories here about past issues being brought up. Your BPD is very emotionally driven - so any emotional memory is strong and there for life.

But is sounds like you don't have a good conversation dynamic with her yet. This comes accross in all your posts. In this example she started complaining, and kept going while you were silent, until she asks for your opinion. NOT responding to her doesn't help! You need to learn to respond - in a good way. And when you did reapond, it sounds like you talked about YOU - not her. I imagine she would have walked away feeling very invalidated.

Living with a BPD is difficult - but there are skills you can learn to make it easier. The first would be Validation. This is a conversation/listening skill. Search this site and read about it - it WILL make a huge difference. It will make conversations easier, make her less likely to escalate, and may help those past grievences be much less talked about.

[montenell]

This pattern is common. There are many similar stories here about past issues being brought up. Your BPD is very emotionally driven - so any emotional memory is strong and there for life.

But is sounds like you don't have a good conversation dynamic with her yet. This comes accross in all your posts. In this example she started complaining, and kept going while you were silent, until she asks for your opinion. NOT responding to her doesn't help! You need to learn to respond - in a good way. And when you did reapond, it sounds like you talked about YOU - not her. I imagine she would have walked away feeling very invalidated.

Living with a BPD is difficult - but there are skills you can learn to make it easier. The first would be Validation. This is a conversation/listening skill. Search this site and read about it - it WILL make a huge difference. It will make conversations easier, make her less likely to escalate, and may help those past grievences be much less talked about.

Thanks for the insight... I will look into validation and see what I can learn. As far as my response,I didn't make it about me at alli just tried to answer the questions levied at me,she just didn't want to hear me. I will admit I struggle with protecting me as I'm only in the last couple years realizing in dealing with a form of abuse vs trying to be compassionate as that is what led me down this path... Its a hard line to walk but maybe as I read more on validation I will learn

[adaw]

They never do I came to the point where I do not discuss any experiences I had because they twist facts to suit them.

[montenell]

They never do I came to the point where I do not discuss any experiences I had because they twist facts to suit them.

So true there are things I wish I never told her because she brings them up all the time although they had nothing to do with her and are not pertinent to anything

[waverider]

They never do I came to the point where I do not discuss any experiences I had because they twist facts to suit them.

My pwBPD tends to turn issues off, rather than working through the emotion, like filing it away intact in the reference library, in the meantime the non is working down from whatever the issue was. So it appears the non is holding the grudge while she is "over it".

However as she never truly worked it through so down the track when a similar issue occurs out pops the old memory , with the same strength of emotion it originally had to back up and validate whatever the current issue is. Just to make it worse a bit of BPD distortion and revisionism occurs to closer match it to the present.

Its a bit like when we grieve, the pwBPD doesn't, they shut off the memory until such time as its relevant again, then the pain comes back just as strong. Grieving is healing by realigning reality.

So to answer the question I dont think it is a grudge as such, just an extensive reference library from which to draw evidence from to use as justification for the current emotion. That is when it is brought up it is piggybacked onto a trigger, rather than just simmering away like grudges usually do. It is brought up with the sole purpose of expressing pain

[adaw]

I have stopped sharing experiences because of the same point. They use painful and traumatic to show you how weak you are. Some here will claim that it is because of flaws in your self image, but this continuous attacks do  make wounds and leave scars whether you admit it or not.

[formflier]

They bring up grudges to ruminate and self soothe (in a dysfunctional way) and because when they bring them up with you, they get some kind of "reaction".

The key for you would be to learn to "respond" vice "react" and make sure the response is healthy for both of you.  Note:  She likely won't like it.

My first impression is validation followed by a pivot to solutions.

Or

Validation, pivot to solutions (and when she complains)... .let her know that you are there for her but you are not sure how to best support her.  Basically put the ball in her court.

You are minimizing the amount of blather that you listen to and eventually drawing a boundary (best left unsaid... .for now) that you will listen to only so much... .and if validation isn't working.  You are going to go do something pleasant and leave her to sort through her pile of broken relationships.

They belong to her... .not you.

The last question.  How would YOUR life be different if you listened to only 10% of the complaints that you currently have decided to listen to?

FF

[lovenature]

PWBPD feel core shame, they typically will remember things they can use to hurt you; gives them validation to be the better person, also useful for pushing you away when their fear of engulfment becomes too strong.

Up to you to decide how much you will accept, how much effort you will put into trying to manage the relationship, and how much of your needs you will sacrifice.

[SheAskedForaBreak]

My understanding is that past hurts are one of the things a BPDSO will use to justify their behavior.  That being the case it's unlikely they'll learn to let go of things as they need those hurts as ammunition.  Counseling is likely the ONLY way someone who is severely on the spectrum will ever be able to manage their feeling about past hurts.

[PFCI]

They never do I came to the point where I do not discuss any experiences I had because they twist facts to suit them.

So true there are things I wish I never told her because she brings them up all the time although they had nothing to do with her and are not pertinent to anything

My wife also repeatedly brings up things from many, many years ago, she'll never let them drop.

I also learned never to talk to her about anything unless it's absolutely necessary, as it just becomes ammunition for the future. 

[adaw]

She always comments how abusive I were towards my kids and ex wives. I haven't shared a thing about my life with them. So she made her own reality. I dealt with my demons and she is trying to resurrect them.

[formflier]

 
A strong boundary would be to say

"It's important that we understand each others experiences.  If you are interested in discussing how I was with my ex, I am open to scheduling a time to discuss this with you"

if she persists

"I don't discuss emotions, motivations and thoughts I don't have... ."

Walk away.

You aren't directly telling her she is wrong, but you are saying that you have a "truth", that you are willing to share it at the right time, and that you are NOT going to argue about it.

FF

[waverider]

She always comments how abusive I were towards my kids and ex wives. I haven't shared a thing about my life with them. So she made her own reality. I dealt with my demons and she is trying to resurrect them.

Perhaps this is a projection of her own demons and has to raise yours to match them?

How do you deal with these statements to keep the demons at bay?