Her 40 year old bf texts my 9 year old son

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am trying hard not to get caught up in drama and I'm pretty good at it but I find it strange her BF texts my son. Tonight I told s9 to text his mom good night, it was time for bed. Before his mom got s9 a phone I would make sure he called his mom to say good night from my phone. Tonight after he text him mom goodnight I put his phone down stairs on the charger. I don't allow s9 to keep his phone in his room all night. When I was putting his phone on charge a text came in from her BF asking if s9 said good night to his mother and if he showered and brushed his teeth. I don't recall seeing his name on s9's birth certificate. My T finds it disturbing, a 40 year old texting a child. I find it disturbing he asked my son if he showered and brushed his teeth. It looks like she is drawing her BF into the circle of drama. I got upset but now that I have processed it in my brain I will take the hi road and leave the drama to them.

[bus boy]

I am trying hard not to get caught up in drama and I'm pretty good at it but I find it strange her BF texts my son. Tonight I told s9 to text his mom good night, it was time for bed. Before his mom got s9 a phone I would make sure he called his mom to say good night from my phone. Tonight after he text him mom goodnight I put his phone down stairs on the charger. I don't allow s9 to keep his phone in his room all night. When I was putting his phone on charge a text came in from her BF asking if s9 said good night to his mother and if he showered and brushed his teeth. I don't recall seeing his name on s9's birth certificate. My T finds it disturbing, a 40 year old texting a child. I find it disturbing he asked my son if he showered and brushed his teeth. It looks like she is drawing her BF into the circle of drama. I got upset but now that I have processed it in my brain I will take the hi road and leave the drama to them.

[Turkish]

How engaged is he in the step dad role?  If I knew nothing else,  I wouldn't think it odd,  though it is intrusive on your time with your son.  What was the therapist's reasoning? 

[bus boy]

She had her bf pretty engaged in the step dad roll. More than he should be. I know plenty of separated woman and they make it pretty crystal clear, they don't need a dad for there child, the child has one. I, have accepted the fact another man is in my sons life and a diecent respectful man wouldn't try to step into the dads roll. I have been denied access all of s9's life only for the court order and she had controlled every order accept for this one. I have put strong boundaries in place. I am a dad first in my life, I don't live like a single person. I have never let her or s9 down but she persists in painting me a bad father. I am always there if my son needs me but she tells family court I'm never in s9's life. Everything I have been denied is freely handed to her BF. If she's going to give a stranger rights to my son than I should be given the same. 2 weeks ago the lady at family court told me I'm an exemplary father and she wishes more men were like me. It boiles down to the fact that I am painted as a dead beat dad when in fact I'm the 100% total opposite. There is woman who actually have bad ex's and show every bit of redpect to the other parent. 6 months after my brain tumour surgery, this was a few years ago, I asked if I could have s9 for Father's Day. I almost died a couple times on the operating table. Her response was " you better go back to your Dr, your tumour must be growing back" this is what I have to deal with. Now she has a flying monkey.

[Thunderstruck]

uBPDbm tries to block me, but I have sent SD messages and called her before. That part isn't too strange to me. I guess it's the fact that this guy is relatively new, right? How long has he been around?

I'm sure your ex is painting you as a deadbeat neglectful father who has no idea which end of a child is up, so I'm not entirely surprised that the dude would think "Oh man, I should remind S9 to brush his teeth". Do you think this guy takes over a lot of the parenting role (reminding to do homework, shower, brush teeth, etc) when your S is with BPDmom too?

How is your relationship with the guy? Can you say "hey, I appreciate the help but we're good here"?

[bus boy]

S9's mom is pretty together in the looking after of s9 roll. She's more of a manuplateing, deceitful, lying, emotional abuser, more so than neglectful. She is more NPD than BPD. They have been together for a year. We talked twice but he won't talk to me, won't even look at me. He has a friend she doesn't like, that friend now gets the finger. Her BF has nothing, freshly divorced and isn't afraid to take a drink. He's the type of person she can use as a flying monkey. She's attractive, very sexual, has money, has a good job of 17 years, owns a nice car and a nice house so it's hard, if you don't know what really makes her tick inside, not to respect her. She has him following me, I dropped s9 off at home a bit late one time and he marched over to my car, opened the door and told s9 he was late. Even after she knew very clearly it was a error in drop off times by my lawyer. S9's mother was very unreasonable and sent out her BF to take care of matters. I know where her BF is from and they can be awfully important so it could be a combination of that and being manipulated. She knows what they are like down where he comes from so she knows how to feed his ego.

[Ulysses]

Hi bus boy,

Wow, it sounds like you're experiencing some pretty difficult stuff from your ex.     I think I would be feeling the same way in your situation.  I don't think it's creepy that he contacts your son.  I do think it's unnecessary and overstepping bounds.  He does not need to be involved with your son's life when he is with you.  That said, I don't really know if there's anything I would suggest you do about it.  It might be one of those things that you have to let go of, as hard as it is.  I don't say this lightly.  I too have had an ex who has engaged in hurtful behavior that is difficult for the children (and for me).  :)'s T even has said she does not recommend her client's parents do what my ex and his new wife are doing.  His new wife has tried to step into the mommy role and has engaged in inappropriate behavior that I feel very angry about at times (one example, preventing me from communicating with D for 5 days when exH was out of town).  But I generally don't say anything because they can do what they want when the children are with them, and my D has a T who advocates for her, and I would waste my energy to force them to do things differently.

I don't know that there's anything you can or should do at this point.  Venting here is probably a great thing to do.  Also, have you talked to your son about it?  I assume you have access to your son's phone and he knows that?  :)oes your son talk to you about the bf?  :)oes he have another person like a therapist or grandparent or family friend he can talk to?  I wonder how your son feels about getting texts like that from his mom's bf?  I wouldn't text that to my kids - sounds like a nag.  

Personally I think some significant others might be overly involved with raising their partner's children because they are trying to please their partner.  I think Thunderstruck has a good point that your ex has probably been feeding people a distorted view of who you are, and this bf probably feels he's stepping up to the plate and caring for your son.

You're correct that there are plenty of women out there who aren't looking for a father figure for their children.  Like you said, they already have a father.  Also for me, I wanted to have time to establish a family with my children, just the three of us.  

If he texts too much for your comfort, you could always tell the ex that due to the excessive amounts of texts, your S9 will have his phone between the hours of X and Y only during your parenting time.  Or, you can tell her S9 will call her on your phone (and take away his phone when he's with you).  He is only 9, after all.  How would your son feel about this?

[Ulysses]

Oh, hey, I just reread your last post, bus boy.  How interesting!  It reminds me of some of my experiences.  My exH is NPD/BPD, and his wife would sit on the tiny porch when I'd pick up the kids, so they had to step around her awkwardly.  Or she'd stand behind the hedges in the front yard and peer around them (hedges) to look at me when I picked them up.  A few times she came to my car to take the medicine I was dropping off for my daughter.  Other times she physically stood between me and my children at an exchange, and also blocked my car door so I was pinned in while ex was talking to me, so I didn't have an "escape route" (he had taken to raging at me at that time).  Her behavior doesn't seem to be happening anymore.  I refuse to deal with her.

My ex also makes a great impression and appears to be on top of things, too, which he isn't.

Is their relationship new, or is your involvement with your son new?  I ask because with my ex it seemed that it was worse when their relationship was new. 

I found  it was useful to stay as calm as possible and document.  That's not good that he's yelling at you (and your son) about being late.  Perhaps a cell-phone camera would be good during exchanges?  I kept thinking I didn't need one, but things got worse and I wished I'd  had one.  How was your son when this happened?  If your son sees a T, I would let him/her know about this.  I imagine it affects your son to see his dad yelled at like that, and he'll look to you to see how you handle it.

In my experience, NPD will often go to great lengths to "prove" to others how messed up you are, and how put together they are.  It helps me to remember to validate myself and my feelings/experiences around him.  It's also really really good to not react to their shenanigans.  They will antagonize until you react, and then they can sit back and say, see, I told you he was [insert offensive comment].   You might be shaking inside from anger or frustration, but my advice is don't react in front of them (in case you're interested in advice).  Or you could go the route my sister did when my exH raged at me in front of our house when we were trying to sell it - she started laughing at him.  He later sent me a raging email about her laughing at him, how dare she, his title at work is blah, blah, blah (meaning he's important), he needs to be treated with respect, etc.  What if you just laugh at the bf next time he does something like that?  Or remain stone-faced, with relaxed body posture.

[bus boy]

Thank you, it sounds like we are in the same boat with our disturbed others that we regretfully have to deal with. S9 was with me since Wednesday, I drop him off at summer camp on Monday. She is suppose to send clothes, she never sent a stitch. He's wearing the same clothes since Wednesday. That's ok, I take the high road and do his laundry every night. On Saturday we will go to town and pick up some clothes.

A few times her BF got quiet involved in the drop off. Right out of the car in the whole mix of it. Ex NPD/ BPD had her nose out of joint Bc I turned the ringer off, she was pushing for s9 to come home, I said no and turned the ringer off. She called 8 times. She also put her BF up to switching s9's clothes bag to a different change room at swimming lessons. I was standing in the change room like a fool, waiting for s9 to get him changed. I found her, BF, and s9 all together in the private family change room.