"get help" email

[martillo]

I'm back for the annual July dysregulation! 

H is HIGH conflict, active alcoholic, many Cluster B traits w more BPD traits than others.  Now, together 25 years, married 24, having his annual July dysregulation - living for the past month at our lakehouse but we have a business together so see each other almost daily.

H is now "getting over" his dysregulation and is using our kids as intermediaries (yes, we just love being put in the middle - said none of our kids ever!) to invite me to spend the weekend at our lakehouse for family time.  I assume so we can once again sweep all the bad stuff under the rug.  I have asked, begged, pleaded - you name it - that we get help... .for a very long time and every time we have to go through these dysregulations.  I can't do "rug" therapy one more time.  I have been involved in Alanon and now do Celebrate Recovery, but I have such a hard time enforcing boundaries with H, so I would like to send something concrete and in writing to express my boundary.  I know I can get recommendations as to the best way to communicate where I am.  Will someone review what I have so far?  And yes, I am willing this time to "say what I mean and mean what I say."

"With all of me, I love you.  My heart is aching and hurting right now.  I am stressed and worried about you, us, our marriage and our family.  I don’t know where we are going; but I do know that we can’t continue our marriage the way it has been; the way it is right now. 

“Just loving each other” isn’t going to fix the problems we have in showing our love and affection for one another and in communicating our physical, mental, emotional and spiritual needs to one another.  We need some new and improved tools in our communication tool belt.  In 25 years, we haven’t learned how to do that by ourselves.
 
I just can’t keep pretending everything is going to get better eventually if we just work hard enough at it using the methods we always have; or ignore it, pretend our problems don’t exist, and sweep it under the rug.  I have asked of you, that we, as a couple, get outside help.  Some options are:

Retrouvaille retreats – retrouvaille.org
My Church Counseling Center has marriage counseling
A multitude of private counselors throughout our area who specialize in marriage counseling.
Attached high conflict couple book
And I am sure there are lots of other options for outside help.

You will forever be my husband.  I will forever love you.  We need help for our marriage, for each other."

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[schwing]

Hi Martillo,

I will offer my feedback. And hopefully some of it will be helpful to you.

"With all of me, I love you.  My heart is aching and hurting right now.  I am stressed and worried about you, us, our marriage and our family.  I don’t know where we are going; but I do know that we can’t continue our marriage the way it has been; the way it is right now.  

I know that you are prefacing your statement with a statement of love. But I'm afraid your BPDH is only going to focus on "can't continue our marriage" and perceive the potential for "abandonment" from his perspective. You see in the mind of a person with BPD (pwBPD), you cannot have both love and a willingness to leave; you can only have one or the other. I know you can and do feel both. But I do not believe he can understand this.

I also know that you are trying to communicate to him this possibility as a means to lessening the blow it would be to him if you ever should decide to leave. I don't think this will help him. For pwBPD, there is no option to pull the band-aid off slowly. But this doesn't mean I think you should not consider it.

I have asked of you, that we, as a couple, get outside help.  Some options are:

Retrouvaille retreats – retrouvaille.org
My Church Counseling Center has marriage counseling
A multitude of private counselors throughout our area who specialize in marriage counseling.
Attached high conflict couple book
And I am sure there are lots of other options for outside help.

You will forever be my husband.  I will forever love you.  We need help for our marriage, for each other."

I think you should keep you communication simple but clear.

Something like:

"I love you.

But the way we have been conducting our marriage is causing me to hurt and be in pain.  I do not want it to continue in this way any more.

I believe we can change things.  But it will require that you and I participate in one or more of the following: [insert your list].  *If you choose not to participate in these things for our marriage's sake, I will understand your choice.* I believe our marriage is worth the effort. If you do not, I must act accordingly.

etc. etc... ."

And most importantly. Don't just listen to his words. *Listen to his actions.* If he acts in a manner inconsistent to his words, then trust his actions.  And act accordingly. Establish your boundaries not only with words but with action.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Martillo! 

I am very sorry for the return once again of this forever 'July dysregulation.' I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. Do you feel trapped and unable to see a way out of this situation? I often feel that way too with my DH. It's an awful feeling.

I think that Schwing has some good advice:

I think you should keep you communication simple but clear.

You know your DH better than any of us. Will he hear your suggested style of communication, i.e. in the past would he have been able to understand what you are saying or would he pick and chose what he decides to hear? Sometimes when we try to communicate, it is because of what we need or wish for them to hear, rather than what our pwBPD is able to hear. I feel you would be the best expert at knowing him and his learning/hearing style.

I also struggle with learning to set boundaries and holding to them. I have to learn how to dance the dance differently or dance to different music. What could you do that would allow you to dance differently this time? For example, do you always go up to the lake house to try to help things work out, as you said, 'sweep the bad stuff under the rug?' What are some ideas that would help you to approach this dysregulation differently? We can only work on ourselves; we cannot change our husbands.

It is really good that you are taking a serious look at your relationship and what you can do to help you improve how the two of you relate. 


 
Wools

[martillo]

Thank you both for your wise words and guidance.  I do tend to get a bit wordy and end up "camoflaging" the real point quite well! 

Schwing, you are absolutely correct about words versus versus actions.  I need to be more aware!

[Woolspinner2000]

I do tend to get a bit wordy and end up "camoflaging" the real point quite well!

Don't we all, Martillo! This is a safe place to try out what you are thinking. It is a joy to try and offer some helpful thoughts. What have you decided to do? Please stay in touch and keep us informed!

 
Wools