Hi FeelingBitter,
Well yesterday she emailed me and said 'I have the hugest news about my case, call me when you can." I was reticent to call her but we haven't talked since May so I thought it would be ok. We talked on the phone for an hour about her case and it was fine. I gave her an action plan of steps and we hung up.
An hour later I get a call from her. Shouldn't have picked it up, but I did. She told me that she had driven back to school, was in a gas station, and "thought she saw him" and was "so scared" and "hiding in the bathroom.' By *him*, she was referring to the abuser, who was kicked off campus and who she has a protection order against. Keep in mind she has been doing this for the last few months, telling me and her best friend at different times that she 'thinks she sees him' everytime she feels one of us is pulling away.
It seems to me that you are having to deal with your BPD friend/client in a manner similar to how a therapist might. Professional boundaries will be your lifeline. And she will try to cross over those boundaries how ever she may.
As I see it, when she was able to talk to you for an hour about your case, that was perhaps not a moment of intimacy per say, but it was a time when she felt like she could depend upon someone, and that someone is you.
And so that familiarity triggered in her a fear that suddenly you would no longer be available to her (i.e. imagined abandonment) and this is perhaps why she phoned you an hour later, and perhaps fabricated the whole scenario where she saw her abuser. I compare this behavior to how a waif BPD uses "helplessness" as a means of control: she describes herself as being in a situation where she is a potential victim in the hopes that this will motivate you to "rescue" her.
This is exactly why she thinks she sees him every time one of her support members starts to pull away. But also whenever she feels like she can depend upon you, or feels connected to you in some way, this is also a trigger for her.
So I called her and told her that if she ever thinks she sees him again, she should call the cops. And if she reached out to me first, I would call the cops - because they are in a much better position to protect her than I am. She got quiet and said she understood. Two hours later she emailed me something about her case, which in my mind was her way of apologizing.
Did I handle that right?
I think if you want to try to limit this possible behavior of her's where she is crying "wolf" whenever she feels anxiety, then you made the right call. Otherwise, she's going to continue to use you as a security blanket whenever she experiences feelings of anxiety for some reason or another.
Was I too harsh?
I think she will be disappointed with any boundaries or limitations you place upon her.
Keep in mind when I started working with her, she would tell me and the other advocate she wanted to go to this vague 'hospital' for ideations. When we told her we would call the hospital the next time she expressed ideations, she stopped and then later told us she 'set a date' for her death if things don't get better.
This is exactly what a borderline waif does. Consider reading the parable of "the bridge" by Edwin Friedman. Here's a
link.
She needs to learn how to deal with her anxieties without using other people. You, perhaps, just need to learn to deal with the guilt you feel that for some reason or another, she might be triggering in you.
Best wishes,
Schwing
