Birthday difficulties

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all,

Do any of you have a BPD partner who gets very depressed on their birthdays? Mine only thinks about what he calls his best/worst birthday when he was a kid. He got a tent that he was excited about, then found his mom having sex with a man in it that same night. He dwells on it and of course that starts the flood of negative memories. I sure have empathy for that messed up situation, but keep in mind we are in our 40's!

He requested about 6 years ago that he would like to spend his birthday weekend alone with me. It recently dawned on me that he is basically doing the same thing his mom did. Not spending it with his family to be alone with me. Does anyone else see that analogy?

[pls]

Hi all,

Do any of you have a BPD partner who gets very depressed on their birthdays? Mine only thinks about what he calls his best/worst birthday when he was a kid. He got a tent that he was excited about, then found his mom having sex with a man in it that same night. He dwells on it and of course that starts the flood of negative memories. I sure have empathy for that messed up situation, but keep in mind we are in our 40's!

He requested about 6 years ago that he would like to spend his birthday weekend alone with me. It recently dawned on me that he is basically doing the same thing his mom did. Not spending it with his family to be alone with me. Does anyone else see that analogy?

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[schwing]

Hi pls,

Do any of you have a BPD partner who gets very depressed on their birthdays?

In my observation, this is a common behavior. I think for many people with BPD (pwBPD) familial occasions such as anniversaries, birthdays, celebration are often triggers for their disordered feelings.

Mine only thinks about what he calls his best/worst birthday when he was a kid. He got a tent that he was excited about, then found his mom having sex with a man in it that same night. He dwells on it and of course that starts the flood of negative memories. I sure have empathy for that messed up situation, but keep in mind we are in our 40's!

I wonder if this incident resonates particularly for him because it is related in some way to how he felt abandoned, betrayed, or denigrated as a child.

And I know you'd think that by the time you are 40, you would be past a bad memory from your childhood. But consider that some professionals believe that BPD is PTSD-like.  And people with PTSD, have exactly that problem, they cannot get past, in fact they continue to re-live, traumatic memories.  So in a way, your BPD loved one is not just recalling his best/worst birthday, but perhaps he is re-living the emotions of that memory in a way.

He requested about 6 years ago that he would like to spend his birthday weekend alone with me. It recently dawned on me that he is basically doing the same thing his mom did. Not spending it with his family to be alone with me. Does anyone else see that analogy?

I wonder if his mother was not BPD-like, and her behavior created an environment that allowed this disorder to develop in him. In a way, this is one of the ways BPD seems to have a hereditary component.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[Jessica84]

My pwBPD gets extremely depressed in the weeks leading up to his birthday. Not sure of any childhood trauma attached to it? He seems to snap out of it as soon as his birthday has passed. Then it's a full blown analysis of what he did or didn't get, what he liked or didn't like, who forgot about him, etc... .(sigh) reminds me of Cartman from South Park.

[isilme]

Yes.  H gets sad and moody, as his birthday is one day after his sisters, and they have a strained relationship, both with their own BPD issues.  So he knows it means we will need to go see her, and then he gets sad because he often feels he has no friends and that his family hates him.  I try to make sure to have something small planned (I used to get friends together for bigger bashes, but that seems to embarrass him sometimes), so we often go to dinner. 

He also has an obsession with aging, dying, and believes all his good years are over, and that at 39 he has one foot in the grave, so birthdays punctuate this for him.

[pls]

Hi pls,

Do any of you have a BPD partner who gets very depressed on their birthdays?

In my observation, this is a common behavior. I think for many people with BPD (pwBPD) familial occasions such as anniversaries, birthdays, celebration are often triggers for their disordered feelings.

Mine only thinks about what he calls his best/worst birthday when he was a kid. He got a tent that he was excited about, then found his mom having sex with a man in it that same night. He dwells on it and of course that starts the flood of negative memories. I sure have empathy for that messed up situation, but keep in mind we are in our 40's!

I wonder if this incident resonates particularly for him because it is related in some way to how he felt abandoned, betrayed, or denigrated as a child.

And I know you'd think that by the time you are 40, you would be past a bad memory from your childhood. But consider that some professionals believe that BPD is PTSD-like.  And people with PTSD, have exactly that problem, they cannot get past, in fact they continue to re-live, traumatic memories.  So in a way, your BPD loved one is not just recalling his best/worst birthday, but perhaps he is re-living the emotions of that memory in a way.

Reliving traumatic memories must be hard, I wish I could help him overcome that, but its not in my toolbox.

He requested about 6 years ago that he would like to spend his birthday weekend alone with me. It recently dawned on me that he is basically doing the same thing his mom did. Not spending it with his family to be alone with me. Does anyone else see that analogy?

I wonder if his mother was not BPD-like, and her behavior created an environment that allowed this disorder to develop in him. In a way, this is one of the ways BPD seems to have a hereditary component.

Yes Schwing, his mother has mental issues as well. Don't know exactly what, but the inability to filter un-appropriate conversation and actions is one that stands out. Probably NPD and BPD was inherited from her. Thanks for all of your great input, BTW.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[pls]

Yes.  H gets sad and moody, as his birthday is one day after his sisters, and they have a strained relationship, both with their own BPD issues.  So he knows it means we will need to go see her, and then he gets sad because he often feels he has no friends and that his family hates him.  I try to make sure to have something small planned (I used to get friends together for bigger bashes, but that seems to embarrass him sometimes), so we often go to dinner. 

He also has an obsession with aging, dying, and believes all his good years are over, and that at 39 he has one foot in the grave, so birthdays punctuate this for him.

Mine too! He had the premonition he'd be gone by 22, but here he is just turned 41. How do you convince someone to live in the current times?

[JJacks0]

My ex seemed to sabotage every birthday, anniversary, holiday that we spent together (7 years)... .I could never understand why.

She always told me how much she hated her birthday because she said it reminded her of how little she has accomplished in a year - it was as though she used it to gauge her progress and get down on herself (same with NYE). She told me she never had good birthdays as a child so I always tried to make them really good but 95% of the time if not more she found something wrong.

I remember getting her concert tickets that she really wanted (among other things) one Christmas... .but I made the mistake of mentioning that I thought it would have been fun if we could have brought some of our friends with us who also wanted to go. Mind you I bought her the tickets, not them... .but she ended up getting so upset that she went upstairs and cut herself while her family was downstairs for the holiday.

It just seemed like nothing was ever good enough. If she was disappointed she would self-harm, rip up presents (cards, etc.) or just pick a fight. I often wondered why, or how this could ever be avoided.

I've heard people say that her expectations were probably so unrealistically high that when any slight hiccup (real or perceived) occurred, she would deem the entire day ruined. Looking back, this was actually a hallmark of the r/s - must go hand in hand with the black and white thinking. If something isn't just perfect (in the exact way she had imagined) it must be a total loss.

[isilme]

it reminded her of how little she has accomplished in a year -

^^ Yes, this, too.  H is always worried about how little he thinks he's done, how he's doomed to die unaccomplished, unknown. He wanted to be a writer, but I think his BPD interferes with his ability to solve issues with his stories.  He won't sit down and write till he solves everything perfectly in his head.  He wants fame and attention but not to be looked at or judged

I, too, bought him concert tickets to his favorite rock band who hadn't toured in years, and planned a weekend get away, but during the trip I couldn't tell if he was even enjoying himself.  NOW, years later he swears he did, but at the time of any event, it's always hard to tell. 

And yes, a hiccup could ruin an entire day.  Though I must say he has improved, partly I think thought us working on his triggers.  I was terrified of how our first trip ever flying out of the country (first trip flying, period) would go.  I totally foresaw the possibility of him simply refusing to get in the car, get on the plane, or get on the bus to the resort, and it caused me lots of lost sleep as I did not know how to deal with that.  Thank God he was really good and kept it all together, even though the flying scared him a bit, and the unknown always makes him super edgy.