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foodlover

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« on: August 24, 2016, 11:32:11 AM »

Dating my girlfriend with BPD has become unbearable and heartbreaking. I cant seem to get over the loneliness. Its always the same cycle.

1. We are happy. A little too good. She is loving and kind. I am loving and kind.

2. Something happens. It could be anything. I miss my turn when we are going somewhere, I have to work late, I forget something from the store, I miss a phone call from her, I dont kiss her at that exact moment she expected me to, I look at her funny (what she thinks), I text something very neutral and she takes it the wrong way, I say something very neutral that she twist to be an attack on her that has nothing to do with her. Usually when she gets angry its over something so small or so innocent or maybe I just forgot something.

3. She goes into attack mode. Sometimes she rages very angry and sometimes she completely cuts me out of her life. She can say the most hurtful things and then says Its my fault. The whole thing is my fault. If I try to calm her down or say that what she is saying is hurtful just calls me names or completely ignores me. Sometimes she will ignore everything I say in trying to make things better and text her male friends right in front of me. She has gone through my phone and deleted every female contact I have and forbid that I even talk to any females. I can try talking to her about this hypocrisy and how she is doing the exact thing she doesn't want me to do and she will ignore me and keep on talking to them.

4. She goes cold. Sometimes she stays and wont say a word. Sometimes she leaves and I wont hear from her. Who knows what she does. Im worried there is another guy. She can do this but if I ever leave she freaks out. If I even leave to see family she freaks out on me.

5. The next day or 2 days later she is fine like nothing happened. She rarely ever talks about it. She is happy and loving again. If she does talk about it she completely changes the facts about what happened and somehow makes it... .you should have done this better or this better. "You shouldn't have said that. It made me angry and have to leave you." Ive tried to force her to talk about some of her problems but it triggers her into another rage and it starts all over.


Im to the point where I feel like I need something stable. I want love that last more than a few days or a week. I want to talk about things with my girlfriend, not go through a day or two of silent treatment. I want to feel good about myself. I want someone to love me back all the time. Not just sometimes. I just need something else. I need someone that knows how to love or at least I need to be by myself. Im torn and don't know what to do. I feel so incredibly hurt and lost when she rages or goes silent. Im lonely and I cant seem to do anything else. I cant think about anything else. It takes over my life. And I don't know what she does or thinks during this time. I don't know if she really loves me or if its something else. This doesn't feel like love.
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Meili
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« Reply #1 on: August 24, 2016, 12:13:39 PM »

Welcome

I think that most of us here can relate to what you've described foodlover. If you start reading through the threads on these boards, you'll see the patterns that you are discussing emerge. I tell you this to tell you that you are not alone.

Fortunately, there are some great tools on here that can help you learn to reduce the strife and frustration. There are several links in the sidebar to the right that will give you a good place to start. After reviewing those, as I said, poke around the threads of others and the site. Educating yourself on the disorder will be one of the biggest benefits you'll have in keeping your mind straight.

Feel free to ask any questions or for advice on specific things (or even in general), and we'll respond and help as best as we can.

In terms of actual immediate advice, can you step back from the situation and give yourself some room to breath and get your emotions settled?

Has she been diagnosed with BPD? How long have you been together?
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isilme
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« Reply #2 on: August 24, 2016, 03:06:19 PM »

foodlover,

Not sure if it helps, but H and I have been together 20 years, and for a long time I never knew what BPD was, let alone had a way to describe many of the behaviours you listed above.

What I can say is that over time, and after lots of time coming on this site, things have improved.  As the "non" we still have the quirks in us that attracted us to a person with BPD as well as whatever attracted them to us.  It may be poor boundary making on our part, it is in my case a long history of co-dependency, but while we can only work on our own reactions, working on our own reactions, over time, goes a heck of a long way in some relationships to slowing and diffusing some of the hurt that BPD can bring.

We used to have a rage incident a week it seemed.  We'd feed into each other's emotional triggers, and the storm would blow and blow, and the reactions I took as "normal" had to be unlearned.  As I unlearned old reactions that fed the storm, and learned new ones that either changed the forecast entirely, let the storm blow out before it got too bad, or more quickly, or I learned I did not have to be there to endure the storm.

My knee jerk reactions were very invalidating, because H likes to accuse me of causing his emotions, whether from having a look he interpreted to mean I was mad, or from a tone it didn't matter.  HIS emotions needed an excuse to exist - he couldn't own them himself.  Once that was realized, I stopped needing to defend it, and started validating the emotions if not the ideas behind them.  It helped. 

Staying with a pwBD takes an open eyed acceptance that this person has an issue they may never be able or willing to change.  You are the more able-emotioned person.  Just as if your SO had a physical disability and you'd not expect her to climb a ladder, you will need to accept that while love and affection and closeness and intimacy CAN exist, you have to be the more emotionally responsible person in the r/s. 
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foodlover

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« Reply #3 on: August 24, 2016, 03:47:15 PM »

So I need to accept and just deal with this constant back and forth of I love you I hate you from her? I don't know how or if I can ever just be happy with being left alone and punished for something I didn't do. Or abandoned for something like being at work and unable to take her phone call. She may get so upset about me being busy at work and unable to answer that she wont talk to me for a day and talk about how horrible I am. Something so simple and so basic as a normal human right gets turned around as a way to deeply hurt me. I have 50% female clients and she acts like I should get rid of them. She tells me to give them to someone else. If she finds out I had a meeting with a female client she flips out and completely leaves me alone. Yet at the same time she works with mostly men and has to work with other men all day. But "that is her job" and I need to accept that. So why cant she accept my job? Its like I don't even have a girlfriend. I feel like sometimes I am not dating anyone because she disappears to show me how wrong I am. How can I ever learn to be ok with that? How can I ever just accept and be happy with the detachment?

Are you guys that are currently in relationships happy? Are you able to work with and accept this behavior? Are you able to just ignore the abandonment or hypocrisy? If so how? Is that the secret to happiness here? Is there a way to be happy with this?
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leggomyeggshell
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« Reply #4 on: August 24, 2016, 04:18:40 PM »

I feel the same way as you (my situation sounds similar). It's very hard being in a relationship with someone who can do no wrong yet fights occur, often from something they started, and regardless of circumstances everything will get blamed on you.  You will probably never get even as little as a partial apology for any of it.  The biggest problem is their inability to admit any responsibility for anything, that and difficulty controlling themselves, especially when they are dysregulating/upset.  I don't know if it's genetic or learned but neither i nor anyone else has been successful in helping my significant other get any closer to solving either of those issues.  She's taken baby steps on reigning in her meltdowns but still cannot take accountability for much.  She can't even take responsibility for the smallest infraction such as throwing q-tips down the toilet. she would literally lie to me to avoid "getting in trouble" for something like that and this woman is in her 40s.  Supposedly if you don't invalidate or contradict them in any way and let them live in their own fantasy world, while you take care of the responsibilities in the world that actually exists, that they will not be as chaotic all the time, because they won't be able to blame you/project onto you as much, but then you pretty much have to be ready for the inevitable threats, chaos, fighting when you choose to stand up for what's right and enforce a boundary.

Yes, it is lonely dating someone with BPD/npd.
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leggomyeggshell
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« Reply #5 on: August 24, 2016, 04:34:17 PM »

Your post reminds me that they seem to want to control people through actions, so if you do something that upsets them (even if a reasonable person would not have gotten upset) that they then often try to get you back for that somehow.  It's a mental disorder.  I feel stuck in my relationship so I feel like I can't leave without some major scorched earth, but I think the only secret to happiness is pretty much act like you are single and ignore the other person's antics as much as possible.  They will scream and cry and cause chaos every day or every other day and I've learned to pretty much ignore it, especially when it's only in their mind.  Some people on here have gotten through the fog with their BPD partner and are happy, but it seems to be the exception rather than the rule.
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howard

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« Reply #6 on: August 26, 2016, 02:51:29 AM »

no one deserves the treatment they dish out. they are children and they demand we take care of them then they lash out at us for having to parent them.  seriously we are worth so much more than this treatment.  we deserve to be treated with love that is reciprocal not like a rock and a feather on a balancing scale.  Be true to yourself. This person cannot stop hurting and in doing so they do not care about hurting anyone around them. The close you are the more they hurt you since you are in the direct line of fire.
empower yourself but do not let them know that you are doing so.  remove yourself from taking care of them like Im sure you always have (we all do it and really we are not helping them, other than helping them to hurt us over and over.  Get a plan of how to remove yourself and just do it. There is no way to break it off other than ripping the band aid off.  The band aid is futile with gushing wounds like the ones they have. The band aid is never big enough and when you do rip it right off and then reflect you realize how futile the band aid was. Trust in yourself. Take time for yourself. Empower yourself and in time (be sure to give yourself some time and if you can distance) you can meet someone else. JUST BE CAREFUL and recall how this all got started with someone that smothered you with attention and compliments and care so fast. It is such a pattern and now you have that learning experience. I know it is hard. I have dealt with 8 years of it and NOW I am finally feeling peace. I am by myself and I am so glad to have the peace. You can to.  None of us deserve this and we should not allow this person to take our lives and our spirit like EVERY POST ON THIS BOARD describes.
SAVE YOURSELF and KEEP TELLING YOURSELF that no matter what they say or do, they will just keep hurting, while hurting you.
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Meili
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« Reply #7 on: August 26, 2016, 10:05:24 AM »

So I need to accept and just deal with this constant back and forth of I love you I hate you from her? I don't know how or if I can ever just be happy with being left alone and punished for something I didn't do. Or abandoned for something like being at work and unable to take her phone call.

No, you don't just have to accept it. In fact, you shouldn't. What you should do is establish and enforce healthy BOUNDARIES. She will push against them at first, but if you maintain them, then she will learn that it is ineffective after a while. Think of a toddler or teenager who is pushing his/her parents boundaries to test them and determine just what he/she can get away with. If the parent caves, the child then becomes unruly. If the parent maintains the boundaries, then the child learns what is and is not acceptable. The same principle applies here.

You get to decide what treatment is acceptable to you. If someone is doing something that you find unacceptable, stop it. If you don't stop it, the blame is no longer on the other person, it's on you.

She may get so upset about me being busy at work and unable to answer that she wont talk to me for a day and talk about how horrible I am.

Once you accept that is her issue, and not yours, it becomes a bit easier to depersonalize her actions and words. Learning about the disorder can provide a great deal of relief in those situations. If she is a pwBPD, then her lashing out at you (silent treatment is silent raging) is nothing more than her being upset with herself (shamed). She cannot accept the blame, so she projects it outward. Unfortunately, you are her intimate partner, so you're where that blame goes.

If she finds out I had a meeting with a female client she flips out and completely leaves me alone... .//... .I feel like sometimes I am not dating anyone because she disappears to show me how wrong I am. How can I ever learn to be ok with that?

It is situations like this where LISTENING WITH EMPATHY and NOT INVALIDATING her become important in working through the situation. For instance, pointing out the hypocrisy in her demands invalidates her feelings because the men and women at work are not the actual feelings being expressed. Pointing out the hypocrisy shames her.

I feel like sometimes I am not dating anyone because she disappears to show me how wrong I am. How can I ever learn to be ok with that? How can I ever just accept and be happy with the detachment?

You learn to be happy with yourself, regardless of what she's doing. You learn to depersonalize her actions and not take them as a truism about who you are.

Are you guys that are currently in relationships happy? Are you able to work with and accept this behavior? Are you able to just ignore the abandonment or hypocrisy? If so how? Is that the secret to happiness here? Is there a way to be happy with this?

I'm not currently in a relationship per se. She refuses to put a label on whatever is going on between her and I. We both agree that seeing/involving others while we are trying to work things out is not conducive to a future together. I tell you that because I'm not sure that I'm meet your criteria to answer your questions, but I will anyway. Please take it for what it's worth to you.

Am I happy? Yes. I don't have everything that I want right now, but I am happy.

Am I able to accept and work with my x's behavior? Yes. Just like any other relationship, I must RADICALLY ACCEPTING her for who she is; that includes her BPD traits. And, just like another relationship, if I want it to work with her, I must work with who she is. The other option is to not work with her and not have a relationship.

Abandonment and hypocrisy are still things that I struggle with, but I do work through them by focusing on the good and not taking it personal. I have to remember that she doesn't see things the same way that I see them and what appears hypocritical to me does not to her. By respecting her belief system, I can better accept the difference in the way that we view things.

There no secret to happiness here or anywhere. If someone were to come up with such a formula, it would be the scientific breakthrough of all time. But, we can come close to it. You finding the happiness within yourself is where that begins. She and you are not one person. Anything that she brings to the relationship is in addition to who you are. So, if you're happy your own life, she can bring more happiness to it. If she brings strife and misery, your boundaries are there to protect your happiness from her influence.

Be strong, and take heart. There is a way to make these relationships work. They are just like every other relationship people enter into in that they have their own special set of unique challenges. You can either decide to accept those challenges and face them head on, or you can not accept them.
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foodlover

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« Reply #8 on: August 26, 2016, 12:02:18 PM »

Excerpt
No, you don't just have to accept it. In fact, you shouldn't. What you should do is establish and enforce healthy BOUNDARIES. She will push against them at first, but if you maintain them, then she will learn that it is ineffective after a while.

How do you enforce a boundary with someone that completely pulls away from you? If every conflict turns into her leaving or not speaking how can you set a boundary? Do you not need to have something to take away to enforce a boundary? When a child acts out you may take their tv time or toys away or put them in time out. A grown woman that is taking away from YOU has nothing left to lose. It looks like she is the one enforcing boundaries on me. Training me like a child and saying... .if you take any female clients im going to leave you alone. It makes no sense that she can have this extreme jealousy yet just completely drop me like I mean nothing. How can you be jealous of someone that means nothing to you? It blows my mind.
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Meili
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« Reply #9 on: August 26, 2016, 12:23:45 PM »

It's easy... .

"I love you and understand that you're hurting (or whatever), but when you treat me like that, it hurts me. If you continue to do that, then it's over."

Maybe something not as drastic as that, but you get the idea.

My bet is that she isn't really jealous, she's afraid that you'll find someone that you would rather be with. The fear of abandonment kicking in and coming across as jealousy. Make sense?
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foodlover

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« Reply #10 on: August 26, 2016, 01:06:45 PM »

It's easy... .

"I love you and understand that you're hurting (or whatever), but when you treat me like that, it hurts me. If you continue to do that, then it's over."

Maybe something not as drastic as that, but you get the idea.

My bet is that she isn't really jealous, she's afraid that you'll find someone that you would rather be with. The fear of abandonment kicking in and coming across as jealousy. Make sense?

I was always told don't make threats your not willing to follow through with. What if she says ok? What if she just accepts that its over? If I throw out threats like that it may backfire. If she continues to push my boundary which I know she will and if I don't break up with her for good then am I not enabling her and making things worse? I know she will not be able to stop so easily and I don't think Im ready to follow through with a breakup if she test me.
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Meili
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« Reply #11 on: August 26, 2016, 02:44:57 PM »

I write all of this from a place of kindness and hoping the best for you. It isn't meant to be mean or harsh; just matter of fact. I truly hated learning this part when I went through what you're going through. It went against everything that I believed. I wanted to win my x back with nothing but kindness, love, and adoration. That failed me. I had to learn something new. What I learned was so very counter-intuitive.

You are correct. Don't establish the boundary if you're not actually willing to enforce it. Which begs the question, are you willing to live your life the way that you have been, or are you going to take control over it?

I know that's not what you wanted to hear, but that's the reality of it. You cannot control her or her actions; only your own. You have to decide what is right and working for you and what isn't. You set your boundaries from there.

Since you're not ready to set that sort of boundary, then you should not do so. That's a very good self-realization on your part! So, we must then look at what you have to work with.

What has been your experience with trying to END THE CONFLICT before it ever gets far enough for her to shut you out? Part of this involves that listening with empathy and not invalidating her feelings that I mentioned earlier.


https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship
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Lilyroze
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« Reply #12 on: August 26, 2016, 03:01:01 PM »

  Foodlover,

It seems like you are in a tough spot. I would read up on some books like the High Conflict couple, start learning , using some tools,  and validating. Perhaps learn each others love language and personality type.

I would not do strict boundary at moment, nor walk away. I would start using love, kindness, and compassion to make her feel special. As you probably already have, then tell her you would like to work things out rather then walk away, silent treatment or threats. Explain it is hurting your relationship and give her the choice to go to counseling, or work with you, take a break perhaps or even better read up on some tools her self for better communication.

Every woman wants to be her one be her only, but doing it that way will damage the relationship long term. Tell her trust, integrity and honesty is important to you, show her and follow through. Expect the same back. If you aren't having affairs, emotional or on-line affairs, or flirting in the name of " I got friends babe" then see how you both can reach a happy medium.

With BPD people it is hard as usually they are never wrong, won't admit or apologize, tend to ghost, go silent or punish. So not sure if she is that or just highly emotional female. But from what you wrote would say BPD.  If so then keep reading up, get some of the books, use the tools and perhaps use boundaries. I will say coldly using them, no real communication and "being the man" which some try will kill it as well. Those who do that can brag with friends or at the bar, then be on boards crying in their soup later she left.  So use balance.
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Oncebitten
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« Reply #13 on: August 26, 2016, 03:28:18 PM »

Foodlover

Hang in there, everyone here has experienced what you have on some level.  Unfortunately the distance they put between themselves and you is part of the push/pull cycle.  Its a fine line to walk, and it can be done.  Just remember that she will push you away at some point.  And it may not be because of anything you have done.  Meili is right you have to establish some boundaries. But only ones that you are willing to follow through with.  If you aren't prepared to walk then don't threaten as she is guaranteed to call your bluff.  Remember that when she says those hurtful things it isn't her talking its the disorder.  It doesn't make it right but if you can see it that way in your mind it will take the sting out.  I know it has for me.  They often project, so many of the things she says to you may actually be insecurities she has about herself.  I know its hard but try and pay attention to what she says.  You can actually learn something valuable about her from how she speaks about you.
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