There is a lot of hope in all this information. Some places to focus on to possibly change attitudes.
Hi there- My husband has been demonstrating BPD traits since his mother died three and a half years ago.
Very similar to my wife. 2009 our family experienced a big natural disaster. None of us took it well. Things are much, much better in our family. I have hope for the future.
There is likely a powerful dynamic at work here. You husband acts out, you "react", he acts out... .and the cycle continues.
1 person can "break" the cycle. You are already seeing this some. I hope you fully embrace this concept.
I have tried everything I think, except working on myself which I am doing now.
Huge payoff to doing this. Especially if you focus "working on you" to understand the "role" that you play in your family.
Beginning in March of this year, my husband's behavior became quite extreme and I told him (and have repeated twice this summer) that I will not work any further on our relationship as a couple until he takes steps to address his "mood issue" or "sickness" as he likes to call it.
What has been said... .has been said. Step into your husbands shoes for a bit. What do you think he "heard"? Likely he heard "
I'm not going to work on the marriage anymore and that is your fault"Big breath here... .how would you like it if your husband said that to you?
What is a "healthy" way to address an issue and put the ball in his court? Let's say he is in a "mood" and threatening you.
you: "I'm going to leave this conversation while there are threats between us... "
Stay big picture with me... .and then see how it ties into a short and to the point sentence.
It's about you and what you do (leave the conversation).
It's focused on the conversation (not the marriage)... .don't make it bigger than it needs to be.
You clearly identify why (a threat) while at the same time you are not blaming anyone. You are taking ownership for your actions based on a threat and are leaving it up to him to decided to take responsibility or not.
You end it by affirming that you are a couple (us).
Less is more... Focus on heaping value onto him and the relationship. "You deserve my best" our relationship is so important to me that it deserves "my best". Don't ever suggest he isn't "giving his best".
One night his behavior started to involve our son, and adhering to another boundary I set, I took my son and left. We returned after he calmed down but he was (and is) extremely angry with me for leaving that weekend.
But he "heard you" loud and clear.
I told him that I returned for our son's benefit - so that he could be in his own home - and with his Dad, but that my husband needed to keep his behavior under control so that our son could have a calm transition into the new school year. He has not been cruel to me in front of our son since that time but he has been in private to the point that his behavior was quite bizarre one night.
This was ok... .and likely honest on your part. Would have been better to just return and EXPLAIN less. There was a behavior issue, it was handled, it's over and in the past. Focus on the future. He will connect the dots that bad behavior equals them gone. Don't connect those for him.
I went to see a family law attorney for advice and two days after that, my husband was diagnosed with gout. He had an attack after getting dehydrated and drinking a lot. Well, he decreased his drinking a bit to resolve the gout attack, but the frequency is inching back up.
Drinking problems can be hard. Does his Dr know about his drinking?
When he's drunk, he has been putting pressure on me to put up with his behavior and "be mature for the sake of our son". When he's sober, he's silent or in agreement that things can't go on this way but he is too fearful to get help for himself.
Go back to "the best" concept. Limit conversation with him when he is drinking. Don't blame him... he will figure out choices.
"This conversation is important to me, I'll return to it with you when alcohol is not present."
getting all of my ducks in a row with the attorney.
Definitely get all your ducks in a row. You will be much more confident in how you approach the r/s. Keep this secret. Do NOT bring it up... .until it is time to act.
FF
