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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: School manipulation  (Read 409 times)
catclaw
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« on: August 24, 2016, 02:35:25 PM »

Okay, where do I even start...

Ss9 came back from BPDm's after 3 weeks and acts really weirdly. I know that it takes time for him to get used to the transition back home, but this time its different. When he left, he was happy, looking forward to his mom and we were having relaxed vacations. Now that he's back, he hardly even speaks, wants to be left alone and is really distraught.  One topic that he picked up these last few days repeatedly was his next school (he's in 3rd grade now and it's 2 more years until he finishes elementary school in our system, to go to  "advanced education".

Short explanation: we have a weird school system. After elementary education, there are (apart from the special needs system) 4 different school forms. 3 of them vary in the difficulty and the diploma you receive and what you are able to apply for afterwards (from the lowest diploma, with which you can hardly find a job to the highest one with access to university, which is called "gymnasium". And the fourth kind, which is like comprehensive school and any kind of diploma can be achieved. And then there's private schools like montessori or steiner which BPDm favorises for ss9 because he's just "so special".

We still have 2 years to go and have no idea where ss9 will be by the end of 4th grade and which school might be ideal for him. He's making good progress schoolwise and we hope to be able to choose from various options.

The last days, ss9 pops up out of nowhere and states "i am not going to gymnasium in 2 years". I was a little confused why this was an issue all of a sudden and dismissed it by saying "well, there's 2 more years to go, there's nothing to decide by now". He kept insisting that he will definitely not go there. I asked him if he knew what gymnasium meant and he didn't have any idea. Just that it will be too difficult for him and that he's afraid he won't make it there. And that dh and i would force him there. We never even talked about this, let alone with ss9. I reassured him that we are not deciding anything and that he still has the option to look at scchools at a given time and we will choose what's best for him. Still, gymnasium is not an option so i said "ok" and left it at this. As ever so often, he just heard people talking about this, but ot was not his mom who provided him with that stuff (yeah, sure).

Bpdm tried to get the qualification to get to university several times but always failed it. She wants to go to university but never went to gymnasium and failed 3 different ways of receiving the diploma through community college or online school.
I know another dad whose BPDx forbade their kids to attend gymnasium because she didn't make it there either.

On the one hand she thinks ss9 is a genius but on the other she keeps him from going to university.

Is she afraid that ss9 might "overtake" her in education? Or is she just being delusional about us forcing ss to shine in every subject and reject him if he fails? I just don't lnow 1) how to help ss understanding we don't expect him to visit one school or another 2) to give him back the self esteem he lost in the past 3 weeks ("i am not smart enough for gymnasium".
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david
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« Reply #1 on: August 24, 2016, 03:30:38 PM »

My ex ran away in 2007. Our boys were 4.5 and 8.5 at the time. Ex put our youngest in kindergarten at the earliest time possible. I disagreed and was over ruled by the judge since mom was custodial parent and I was EOW dad at the time. I was a school teacher but that meant nothing to the judge. He struggled and repeated kindergarten. Ex had him tested with inconclusive results but insisted and school went along with giving him an IEP. By second grade his teacher couldn't understand why he had an IEP and contacted me. I explained the situation and had him retested. He was placed in their accelerated program and is doing very well. He starts 7th grade this year.
I noticed early on that he didn't like school and was resistant to anything about school. I had a difficult several years with him. Finally when the second test results came out I showed him both and explained them to him. I showed how his scores were very high in several areas and he tested above the grade level in most. We had a long talk and I basically pointed out that I would never have done the things I did unless I was absolutely certain he was able to do the work. He no longer hated school.
I think ex needed him to have an IEP because that way she had no blame. It was him that was the problem because she is the perfect mom.  
You have two years to help ss9 figure out the direction he needs to go which is a positive. My ex could never stay focused that long.
My ex would get jealous at people that she viewed as better or doing better than her. I now see it as her black and white thinking. She could justify any action because of her perception of how someone was doing better than her and they must have cheated in some way so whatever she did was fine since she didn't cheat ?
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catclaw
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« Reply #2 on: August 25, 2016, 12:48:59 AM »

Hey david, thank you!

Yes, ss9 also hates everything school-related. When he moved in with us, he still had the selfregulatory skills of a 5 y/o. He had to learn to accept group rules despite wanting to do pther things, something he never needed before  (he had to repeat the 1st grade when he came to us. He spent the 1st year at his mom's and a foster home and was so stressed that after a whole year of classes he still wasn't able to read or write the word "mama" or anything else, know the answer to 2+2 or understand the concept pf weekdays. When asked what he did during class that 1st year his answer is "looking out of the window and sleeping". He got tested and the school knows and they see that his outcome is far from his possibilities. He also knows this, we communicated it with him on various occasions (it's the sentence that is written in his school year's semester and final summary every.single.time... he could, if he just wanted to.).

This morning i asked him why he was so stressed out about the issue and he didn't know an answer and had tears in his eyes. I suppose there are 2 well-known feelings triggered: being sent away and having important decisions that may or may not pose a threat to his wellbeing made by adults without him consenting. He looks lost and having him in tears when speaking about somethinf that (to us) "irrelevant", given the time and the possibilities of what might happen in the 2 next years, is just unsettling.

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david
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« Reply #3 on: August 25, 2016, 06:05:02 AM »

I used to go shopping and have our youngest look at prices of things and have him add them up for me because I didn't have my glasses. He would look at unit prices and figure out the best deal. He would read labels for me. You get the drift. He was learning without realizing it and he was helping his dad. It was an incentive for him. Occasionally, I would, in a subtle way, point out his ability in math or reading: "you added that up quick",  "that's a pretty tough word to figure out how to say", or "did you know that word or did you just figure that out ?" I tried to mix it up so he wasn't doing the same thing all the time.

There was a meeting the end of the first year of kindergarten. The principal, teacher, learning support, ex, and I were all there. They decided that he would repeat kindergarten and I was furious because I predicted this before that year even started. They decided to tell him he was being given the "gift of time". Everyone was on board except me. The principal tried to convince me saying we had to all be on the same page in order to help him. I told him I was not going to lie to my son and I was telling him the truth which was he wasn't ready for school and should not have gone that year. I refused to budge. He did fine the second year and said little about school.

I picked him up the first day of first grade. He walked out of the building with a big smile. I walked over and met him. We got in the car and he said, "Billy is in my class this year and he was in my first year of kindergarten". He was so relieved to see that. I listened to him talk and he went on about how he thought he was the only one. How he felt stupid, etc. Things got a little better after that. It wasn't until second grade where I had him retested and he was placed in the accelerated program. I reminded him about how I thought he should not have gone into kindergarten that first year. I assured him he would do fine as long as he did his work. His confidence soared after that. He starts 7th grade this year and is doing very well.

In those first years I was an EOW and one day during the week. He did the majority of his homework when with me since his mom didn't help at all. I went back to court in 2010 and got more time during the school year. That helped a lot and I got him in a routine with his school work.
 
As a teacher I have observed that a lot of kids simply believe they can't do something and give up from the start. That is one of my most difficult challenges to overcome. There are kids that I have spent 3/4 of the year trying to find a way to change their way of thinking about themselves. Convincing someone they can do something they are sure they can't do is not easy.
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Thunderstruck
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« Reply #4 on: August 25, 2016, 11:13:09 AM »

I have seen a lot of emotional development and increased maturity in SD11 from when she was 9 until now. She had a rough time in 3rd grade (she says it to us sometimes) and got a lot of D's and F's, and would often have emotional meltdowns in class (she had a daily behavioral chart to mitigate her bad behavior). If we were to pick SD11's classes two years ago, I highly doubt her class schedule would look the same as now. She has just done so much growing up! Now she has three advanced classes in middle school. Feel free to tell this anecdote to SS9, because he's not the only smart kid who struggled at 9. It's a tough year, but I'm sure he'll just soar in the future!

I know it might not sound like SS9 is listening, but just keep reassuring him. There still is lots of time to figure things out. We don't want to exclude any options right now. We will probably have the experts (teachers) help us decide because they're most knowledgeable. We think you have amazing potential. Let's just concentrate on this year's school work and worry about advanced education when the time comes.
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"The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so. But we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitos and silly people." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
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