uBPDxbf returns, BPD connection to anxiety and/or depression?

[abk15]

Hi all, I posted last November about a confusing and sudden breakup with my uBPDxbf. Since then, there has been quite an update and unfortunately I'm back trying to make more sense of it all. Specifically, the connection between BPD, anxiety, and/or depression.

Three months after disappearing, he reappeared through text message (still long distance). He basically said how he couldn't explain why he did what he did and that no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't forget me. He felt great remorse and regret for how he treated me. He told me that he loves me, and that the "power" I have over him scares the death out of him. He said he is an ass with "communication and commitment issues," and literally said that his emotions scare him. He was under stress from an unhappy home and work life, and his growing feelings for me- realizing that he actually loves me, frightened him. It ignited his anxiety and he fled, with no word. He’d also told me that he never thought he'd be able to get as emotionally close to someone as he's gotten with me.

I was severely hurt by his disappearance all those months ago. I kept some distance when he reappeared, but eventually fell back into him. I was adamant about it in my last post and still am- I love him, so much. My heart had never really left him. I'll suffice it to say that we gave it another go, agreeing to work on our communication much more, as well as see each other- and we did both.

We finally saw each other again, spending five absolutely wonderful days together, and he admitted that he didn't want to leave. We even had an emotional goodbye at the airport, which was an endearingly vulnerable side I'd never seen with him before. We were stronger than ever after that for a few weeks, openly talking about the future; both short and long term aspects. It really did seem like a HUGE improvement over the first try at our relationship, in all regards. Truly. The both of us were happy and hopeful.

However, it all crumbled when one night he literally snapped on me and projected (as I realize now), all of his fears and insecurities onto me. I've thought about that night a lot since then. It made, and still makes, me feel so confused. He was mostly angry, as I realize now, about his anxieties regarding the future and about our growing intimacy. He was essentially frustrated with me for knowing him so well, yet went on to claim I didn't care to actually know him. It literally didn't/doesn't make sense. And I honestly sat there rather speechless. After letting out his frustration, he’d told me that ever since visiting me, his emotions had been going "all kinds of psycho" and it had been driving him nuts.

After that, he went silent for two days. I tried to talk with him; I expressed my confusion and desire to speak. He finally replied saying that he was having a lot of anxiety about the future and needed some time to think and "figure out what he was actually feeling."

A week later, we spoke a little through text message. He began with some depressing comments about his family and work life (I did find out that there was *a lot* going on once again with his family and work), and then admitted that he still wanted me but suddenly didn't know "how it would work." Without going into too much detail, I'll say that it seemed like he completely forgot about all of the long talks we had about our relationship, including how we'd work around the distance for now.

No matter how hard I tried to discuss everything, he'd just make more depressing comments about how he felt like he wasn't good enough no matter what he did and he "didn't want to feel this way anymore." My attempts to try and talk all went avoided.

For the next month, he gave me incredibly mixed signals. He would answer FaceTime sometimes, but only for a short time- and he would always be at work (I could see where he was through the video). Even into the early hours of the morning. He’d respond to a text here and there,  he sent me a picture of something of mine that I'd given him while he was here. And he even tried calling on the morning of what would've been our one year anniversary. I missed the call since I was at work, and I regret it deeply.

Finally, the last time I heard from him was him saying that he didn't think he could do us because he couldn't even "do himself right now." In that short conversation was mostly more comments about being depressed or melancholy, along with some "distance" related comments and us. He told me it was nothing I did, so when I asked what happened, he said that he didn't know and made a comment about maybe being "mentally unstable" since all he wanted to do was be alone "in his own little box away from everyone." And that was the last I’d heard from him.

I've made some attempts at communicating, but they've all gone unanswered. It's been 11 weeks since I've last heard from him, and almost 6 weeks since I've last reached out. Again, none of my attempts had been nasty or mean. They were only about how much I love him and wanted to speak with him about everything. Finally, I left my last message and urged him to take care of himself.

Something to note is that just days before all of this began (the night he exploded on me), he finally opened up to me about his depression and how it had gotten worse since he'd been home (back when our relationship originally turned long distance last year).

Due to some social media observing, it seems he's completely shutdown again (mostly working or drinking). It’s reminiscent of our first breakup all over again; stress and anxiety were sparked due to work, his family, and me. Each time he's left, it was at the high points of our relationship, with the intimacy being at its peak. I’m upset it seems like the only "solution" is to completely shut me out- when I've logically done nothing to "cause" all of this. It makes no sense.

It's clear that the growing intimacy triggered his flight this time too, but I'd also read that BPD is quite comorbid with depression. Is this true? And how about anxiety? And fear of commitment and the future?

My heart still breaks since I felt so much hope for us. There was literally nothing that happened between *us* that would've caused this breakdown, and it crushes me that I've been shut out again.

Thank you to all that have read this long post. These messageboards have really been a godsend in trying to make sense of situations that appear to lack any logic.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY ABK15:   
Sorry about the situation with your uBPDxbf.

You might find the information at the green link helpful.  Be sure to check out the links within that article to learn about traits of BPD : IS IT BPD?

People with BPD have a high rate of anxiety and depression.  BPD can be a combination of genetics and environment. You might find the quote below, from Science Daily, interesting.
 

". . . It might be useful to imagine that the brain is like a car," explains Dr. John Krystal, Editor of Biological Psychiatry. "The gas pedal for emotion might be the amygdala and the emotional brake might be the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex. The current findings seem to suggest that, in borderline personality disorder, the brain steps on the gas yet does not as effectively brake emotion."

Together, these findings support the concept of borderline personality disorder as a disorder of emotion dysregulation. Treatment options that can help fine-tune the brain's 'motor' may help alleviate some of the distressing clinical symptoms that individuals with BPD experience and grapple with on a daily basis.

The complete article from Science Daily can be found at the following address:
 https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/01/160113103314.htm

He said he is an ass with "communication and commitment issues," and literally said that his emotions scare him. . . . He told me it was nothing I did, so when I asked what happened, he said that he didn't know and made a comment about maybe being "mentally unstable" since all he wanted to do was be alone "in his own little box away from everyone." And that was the last I’d heard from him.

Unfortunately, we can't fix someone's problems.  When they admit that they have certain issues, you have to believe them and current behavior will reflect future behavior (and likely ongoing pain for you). You need to evaluate what you think you may want.  There can be a genetic factor to BPD.  That is something to consider for someone of child bearing age. Most of the stories I've read about parents dealing with children with BPD are heartbreaking.  Just something to consider. 

Do you know if your uBPDxbf is getting any help (therapy, meds, etc.)? There are different levels of BPD.  Some are high functioning and others are low functioning. There are variations.

If someone seeks help for BPD, you have something to work with.  Many times, people can get help for a single symptom, like anxiety, depression or an addiction, but not for a diagnosis of BPD.  In order to successfully manage BPD, you need to wrap your arms around that diagnosis, versus just a symptom or two.  You might find the this article, from the prospective of someone with BPD, interesting.

www.BPDcentral.com/blog/?Anxiety-Mood-Swings-and-Borderline-Personality-Disorder-44

[patientandclear]

ABK--I relate to much of your experience and your feelings.

You seem to have good insight into the nature of BPD, yet, as with many of us, it seems that you may be struggling with acceptance that he really does have emotions that function very differently from yours. Whenever I catch myself in profound hurt and incredulity ("how could someone just walk out of something so good when nothing was wrong?", instead of sadness ("it's so sad that our closeness actually makes him feel terrible and fearful", I know I have acceptance work to do.

PwBPD ACTUALLY can be feeling terrible despite objectively great circumstances. That's the problem. It's not that there is a layer of happiness overlaid by a layer of crappy feeling that is a "mistake;" the crappy feeling is real. It comes from adverse experiences with others that long pre-date our current dynamics, but the feelings are no less their real feelings. Our closeness can make them feel like crap.

For what it's worth your guy has more self-awareness than mine seems to and than many do. The fact that he articulated that he has commitment and communications issues is exotic to me! My person mostly believes either this is just how human relationships go, or that he hasn't found the right person yet. Despite some inklings that there is something wrong with his emotional processing, he has a strong countervailing desire to get away from any context where he is known to have behaved poorly in relationships, seemingly so he himself can forget that. He wants a continuous new start and just hopes it will turn out differently.

I'm glad to hear you hanging onto clarity that nothing happened btwn you two to cause this. Oddly, nothing being wrong can be the thing that is wrong, if that makes sense.

I know it's hard to accept but for a period of time, your person may find it easier to be alone and just not threatened by the closeness. Some members here have described their partners wBPD expressing immense relief when they are able to get away from the pressure of a r/ship. That relief doesn't last forever which is when you may hear from him or when pwBPD may try again in another r/ship; but that's when the distance is greater and the feeling of being overtaken or annihilated isn't so strong. Eventually closeness brings that feeling back, it seems.

I've known all this for years and yet my self-doubt tracks still push me in the direction of hurt ("how could he?" versus acceptance ("he actually felt terrible".

I know how hard and unfair this feels.

[Oncebitten]

ABK

Its amazing that people with a condition characterized by fear of abandonment are the first to run.  I feel for you though knowing how hard it is to be in love with someone who does nothing but confuse you.  None of it makes sense, we are told to think of them like children, and that helps in the sense of when they get angry and rage.  But the disappearing and reappearing is madding.  my gf is fond of silent treatment which breaks me every time.

They need that closeness to feel whole and yet when we give it to them they drown in it. Its a tight rope to walk everyday
 

[Oncebitten]

Patientandclear

Nice to see i am not the only one with a person who sees the answer to every argument as a reason to leave a healthy stable relationship and search for perfection elsewhere

[patientandclear]

Hi Oncebitten--the hard piece for me is that the guy I post here about doesn't leave over arguments. We can manage those. He leaves over the conviction that it can't possibly work out, that it will end catastrophically in the future for reasons we can't prevent, so better to prevent that potential loss by ending it for sure now.

He does resolve the obvious questions about that formulation by hypothesizing that there is someone out there with whom he will not feel this way.

[Oncebitten]

Patientandclear

oh well mine operates under the assumption that there is a man out there that will never cause her any hurt in any way.  Even though I have never intentionally hurt her.  A off hand remark here a poor joke there that cut to deep.  Her violating my trust is not an issue but anything I do is r/s ending.

[abk15]

Unfortunately, we can't fix someone's problems.  When they admit that they have certain issues, you have to believe them and current behavior will reflect future behavior (and likely ongoing pain for you). You need to evaluate what you think you may want.  There can be a genetic factor to BPD.  That is something to consider for someone of child bearing age. Most of the stories I've read about parents dealing with children with BPD are heartbreaking.  Just something to consider. 

Do you know if your uBPDxbf is getting any help (therapy, meds, etc.)? There are different levels of BPD.  Some are high functioning and others are low functioning. There are variations.

If someone seeks help for BPD, you have something to work with.  Many times, people can get help for a single symptom, like anxiety, depression or an addiction, but not for a diagnosis of BPD.  In order to successfully manage BPD, you need to wrap your arms around that diagnosis, versus just a symptom or two.  You might find the this article, from the prospective of someone with BPD, interesting.

Hey Naughty Nibbler and thanks for your response! I'm definitely going to take a look at all the links you included.

Current behavior being a glimpse into the future is something I've definitely considered, as well as the genetic factor. This is somebody I've imagined a future with, so it does give me pause wondering how things would turn out, on all counts!

He was never diagnosed as BPD, as far as I know. However, he did tell me that he was on anxiety medication in the past (he was always upfront with his anxiety), though I suppose it's possible he was actually on anti-depressants. He had taken himself off the meds he was on prior to when we began dating. At the time, I (rather foolishly, I suppose), didn't give much thought to that. He was also in anger management therapy for quite some time when he was younger.

Due to his honesty with me in the past, in all regards, I'd love the opportunity to discuss any kind of help with him. Unfortunately, that depends on if I ever hear from him again. I appreciate your thoughtfulness, it's never an easy thing to go through and it helps hearing kind supporting words.

[abk15]

Hi, PatientandClear! Thanks so much for your insight and kind words.

You seem to have good insight into the nature of BPD, yet, as with many of us, it seems that you may be struggling with acceptance that he really does have emotions that function very differently from yours. Whenever I catch myself in profound hurt and incredulity ("how could someone just walk out of something so good when nothing was wrong?", instead of sadness ("it's so sad that our closeness actually makes him feel terrible and fearful", I know I have acceptance work to do.

... .It comes from adverse experiences with others that long pre-date our current dynamics, but the feelings are no less their real feelings. Our closeness can make them feel like crap.

I definitely do struggle with accepting the situation. I have my good and bad days at this point. I realize he has "issues," that don't always make sense to me, but then I start focusing on the hurt that I feel. So, like you, I know I definitely have to work on my acceptance of the situation.

Knowing much about his past, I know he's had a terrible experience regarding romantic relationships. I'd say that it damaged his ability to trust and get emotionally close and vulnerable with someone. He was always up front with me about that, and I always made sure to be patient with him. It still boggles me that no matter how patient and loving you can be with somebody, the same closeness that you're feeling and loving, seems to make them run! However, I also know that he must feel like crap, as he's told me after the first time. He told me he hated himself for what he did, and I can see him feeling the same way now.

For what it's worth your guy has more self-awareness than mine seems to and than many do. The fact that he articulated that he has commitment and communications issues is exotic to me! My person mostly believes either this is just how human relationships go, or that he hasn't found the right person yet. Despite some inklings that there is something wrong with his emotional processing, he has a strong countervailing desire to get away from any context where he is known to have behaved poorly in relationships, seemingly so he himself can forget that. He wants a continuous new start and just hopes it will turn out differently.

I know it's hard to accept but for a period of time, your person may find it easier to be alone and just not threatened by the closeness. Some members here have described their partners wBPD expressing immense relief when they are able to get away from the pressure of a r/ship. That relief doesn't last forever which is when you may hear from him or when pwBPD may try again in another r/ship; but that's when the distance is greater and the feeling of being overtaken or annihilated isn't so strong. Eventually closeness brings that feeling back, it seems.

It's good that you put that into perspective, I can see how I can take his ability to be open with me for granted sometimes. Honestly, if he had never been open and honest with me when he reappeared into my life, and if we didn't have a deep emotional connection (as much as it terrifies him), I'd be definitely worse right now for sure. I'd be continuing to beat myself up. It's a paradox- he told me what happened- his inability to handle it all (as much as it doesn't make sense to me), yet I can't accept it. He literally told me it wasn't me, yet I still have my down days where I wonder if it really WAS me.

However, I try to calm my own emotions and think about the relationship logically. There was nothing that happened that would have caused such a response from him, and I keep repeating that to myself. And I can totally see how being without the "pressure" of a relationship may feel like a relief for pwBPD. Especially when one is dealing with many other stress factors, it seems like eliminating one would feel like a relief- when really, it eventually makes them feel worse. This also made me originally question the co-morbidity of anxiety and/or depression with BPD, since the extreme emotions seem to be similar, in some ways.

Regarding him returning one day, I go back and forth with that too. I think it's because he came back once before, so my mind is playing tricks with me. The first time, my gut kept telling me he'd be back, and he eventually did return. My gut feels the same way now too, but I know it's futile, and more damaging for my own healing, to hold onto any hope of hearing from again. I've read many experiences on here where things were done with such seeming maliciousness and disregard for the other's feelings, and I truly don't think he meant to hurt me at all. I honestly feel like he's the one who is hurting more, since he is afraid of and can't handle his own emotions. I can't begin to imagine what that must feel like. I just wish it didn't come down to this; shutting out somebody who loves you and only wants what's best for you.

If you don't mind my asking, did you and your s/o cycle often? I'm curious as to what he says/said when he comes back into your life, especially if it seems like he can't accept how he's behaved.

[abk15]

Hi Oncebitten and thanks for your response! While I've followed these boards for quite some time, I haven't posted much, and I think I just realized I don't have to "quote" responses .

It's interesting, isn't it? The fact that pwBPD fear abandonment, but then jeopardize relationships and bring it upon themselves really boggles the mind. It is very difficult for our own hearts, to try and make sense of such behavior.

I'm sorry that your gf uses the silent treatment often, I definitely feel for you. I've suffered quite a few during the first try at our relationship, though back then they lasted anywhere from a few hours to 2 or 3 days. It would always be over the most silly things, much of the time I wouldn't even be aware that something I said or did upset him. It's absence of communication; instead of trying to communicate their needs with us, they'd rather go silent. And our first break up was literally just the silent treatment; I was never told anything. He just disappeared after finally admitting he loved me. Silent treatments are terrible no matter what, but if you've also had to suffer a silent treatment breakup, lasting for weeks or months at a time, my heart goes out to you. I know how damaging that can be, though I hope your gf is able to give you a little honesty regarding her reasoning.

I like your wording- "they need that closeness to feel whole and yet when we give it to them they drown in it." So very true. A paradox of wanting it then running, but very true nonetheless.

[Oncebitten]

paradoxical creatures indeed.  The push/pull... .the back and forth.  All of it so confusing, and yet we love them.  Often wonder who is more broken.  Her or I, she seems to have no control.  I see the problem and yet I stay, come back. Chase etc...