Don't JADE or invalidate. Just don't.

[flowerpath]

I wish I had a flower for every time I have not said what is on my mind.  I have been pretty good about realizing that this is what it is, silently reasoning, recognizing baits, letting comments bounce off of me, and staying out of arguments. 

But today was a different day.  Today I explained to my husband how a difficult situation could have been avoided if he had just stepped up to the plate and been ready to help when I really needed him to.  He knew ahead of time how and when he would be needed.   

His response was a very, very long list of my mistakes and flaws.  Not a single acceptance of his part in the problem.  And I knew not to bite back.

It makes no sense to invalidate, justify, argue, defend, or explain to a pwBPD.  A person who has BPD is skilled at what he does and the chances are high that you will lose every time.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Oncebitten]

Flower,

how do you handle those situations?  I feel like I am pretty good at keeping my cool.  My gf calls me names , attacks my character and I can hold ot together.  I have never called her a name or been abusive at all with her.  But it never fails, at some point during a big argument she gets the better of me and I get defensive.  And the second I raise my voice a single decible... (not yelling) just talking loudly she accuses me of screaming at her.  Gets angry walks away and gives me the silent treatment.

[flowerpath]

He replied with the list through a text message. 

I didn't respond to it.  I feel that there's no point in discussing it.  I know from experience that in his book, how he feels is all that matters, and he got the last word. I just need to avoid doing this again. 

Same here about the voice.  If my pitch or volume rise one decibel, he says that I'm out of control.   

[Oncebitten]

that I can handle... .its when we talk for an hour or better and she just keeps attacking.  If i leave then I dont care... .but even the Pope can only take so much before he's gonna get a little defensive.  And like you said... .you may not even raise your voice... .the slighest change or even a small sigh is the end of the world

[flowerpath]

An hour is a really long time. 

Why do you choose to be her audience for so long?   

 

[adaw]

I went nc for a week now. My BPD tries all kinds of tricks to get a response out of I don't JADE. I can notice a positive change. The funny part is she now focuses her attacks on her best friend. I feel sorry for the friend, but when I was the target she took sides with my BPD. Whenever the friend contacts me I simply reply I'm sorry it is between you I'm not getting involved.

[Oncebitten]

i agreed to take her attacks because of some damage that I caused to the relationship.  I hurt her and to make up for it I agreed that whenever the hurt came to her mind I wanted to hear it in hopes that it would help her move past it.

[Jessica84]

I went nc for a week now. My BPD tries all kinds of tricks to get a response out of I don't JADE. I can notice a positive change. The funny part is she now focuses her attacks on her best friend. I feel sorry for the friend, but when I was the target she took sides with my BPD. Whenever the friend contacts me I simply reply I'm sorry it is between you I'm not getting involved.

This is so true! When I stopped getting defensive about accusations or engaging in ridiculous arguments, I noticed my bf moved on to new targets. Someone's gonna get it... .but at least now it's not me!

[Circle]

"This is so true! When I stopped getting defensive about accusations or engaging in ridiculous arguments, I noticed my bf moved on to new targets. Someone's gonna get it... .but at least now it's not me!" -Jessica84

Good observation!

[waverider]

pwBPD want you to get defensive, almost like that is a sign of guilt, hence they then have a target and the value of "winning is raised'.

Dont argue with a pwBPD they have more experience and no rules to handicap them so they will run circles around you.

The resolution is at the end of the rainbow, and the argument is the rainbow, and that is all they want to see. The resolution does not exist.

[livednlearned]

i agreed to take her attacks because of some damage that I caused to the relationship.  I hurt her and to make up for it I agreed that whenever the hurt came to her mind I wanted to hear it in hopes that it would help her move past it.

This can also keep her stuck ruminating, no?

It helped me to read somewhere that when the injury is constantly revisited, we do harm by letting them dwell and ruminate on it, sort of like we begin to co-conspire to keep the emotional arousal going.

What would happen if you gently limited the conversation and redirected her attention elsewhere?

[Oncebitten]

LNL

tried that... .doesnt help, then i get accused of avoiding the damage I did.

[waverider]

LNL

tried that... .doesnt help, then i get accused of avoiding the damage I did.

I think the idea is to ease away, rather than trying a sudden stop. Gentle redirection/limitation

I am beginning to wonder this with my wifes ongoing therapies with whoever, it constantly cycles around her FOO issues, and i am sure with each retelling it gets embellished, and consolidated so any issues are just growing rather than resolving

[Meili]

I think the idea is to ease away, rather than trying a sudden stop. Gentle redirection/limitation

This is what I've been trying to do with my x. I look for some nugget in what she's telling me to validate that doesn't have much, if anything to do with the trouble in the r/s. I haven't mastered this skill yet, and I still find myself "doing penance" from time to time. But things seem to be getting better.