Life is so much easier when I'm not being idealized or devalued

[SummerStorm]

As I mentioned in another thread, I saw my BPD friend last night, for the first time in over 14 months.  Those months apart were filled with two discards, a lot of gaslighting, and endless push/pull, but I managed to weather all of that and accept her for who she is and what she is and is not capable of doing. 

Weirdly enough, I've managed to find myself in a nice middle place, where I'm not being idealized or devalued.  Yes, we text and Snap every day, and she generally replies within minutes, but it's nice to have normal conversations with her and to be able to tease her without getting my head bitten off and to also not have to wake up to twenty texts from her, asking if I'm awake, if I've abandoned her, etc. 

We have a complicated past, but I realized last night that, as much as I love her, I'm not in love with her anymore.  Yes, I'm attracted to her; she's gorgeous and has an amazing smile.  But I no longer look at her and think, "I want to spend the rest of my life with her."  She left my house, and I went to bed and got a good night's sleep.  After I post this, I'm going to write my lesson plans and then go for a long walk to the lake.  Maybe we'll see each other again soon.  Maybe it will be another 14 months.  Who knows?  All I wanted for these past 14 months was to just see her again and to finally get a picture with her.  And even though she complained up and down about the second thing and went on and on about how her hair, eyes, etc. looked awful in the picture, I finally got one, and that made my day. 

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[Notwendy]

Glad you got to see your friend, as well as monitor your own feelings about the situation. Yes, it is great to not be painted white or black. Keep in mind though that BPD is a disorder that affects the most intimate of relationships the most. With some distance of time/emotion, there could also be less of an impact that BPD had when the two of you were closer.

Here is where you have the choice. Should the two of you become more intimate again, some of the issues you had when you were may arise in the relationship. As friends only- there could be less of that. You can't control her decision to be closer to you or not, but you can decide about yours if she expresses interest, or your feelings for her get stronger.

After 14 months, it makes sense to not have the same feelings. Yes, people are attracted to each other by appearance, but true intimate attraction comes from spending time together. If you two end up spending time together, your feelings may grow.

There is no right or wrong here as far as the level of your relationship with her- it's about you, your self awareness, and making the best choices for you along the way. Glad you got to see her.

[SummerStorm]

Notwendy,

Her boyfriend gets out of rehab tomorrow, so there's going to be a lot on her plate.  I am back at work now, and she also lives an hour away, so we definitely won't be seeing each other as often as we did when we worked together and saw each other five days a week. 

When she was complaining about the picture, she did say, "The next time we hang out and you want a picture, let me know before I go outside and get all sweaty and look awful."  So, I suppose that's a good sign.  I've learned that the best thing to do is to not pressure her or bug her about hanging out.  Being back at work helps me control the urge to do this because I really just don't have that much time to hang out with people, especially this year, with having about 50 more students than I usually do. 

[Notwendy]

Hope the school year is great.

I hope you don't think I'm picking on you by asking about your feelings. It is something that I learned when I was working on co-dependency- ( not that one has to be co-dependent for this to help). When I brought up an issue, people turned the mirror on me- my feelings, my actions. I thought that wasn't fair- the other person was the one with the issues.

Maybe so, but in time, I realized that by tuning in to my feelings, I could focus on my boundaries, what I wanted, and that, ultimately was the only part I had control over. It helped me to figure out what I wanted.

Even though it was irritating, I realized it was done out of a place of caring, by people who are also in my shoes- caring about someone with disordered behavior and a lot of issues, and how we can best help them while staying grounded. So, it becomes my style to do the same- encourage others to stay tuned in when someone they care about is in turmoil- as their turmoil can predominate at times.