My boyfriend has BPD and refuses help

[k-a-r]

I'm 18 years old and my boyfriend of 5 months has severe BPD. A few months ago, after our second break up, was when the madness began. I slept with an ex boyfriend during the short time my BPD boyfriend and I were broken up. At the time, I had no idea about his BPD and I thought if I was honest with him about what happened, he would be accepting and we would continue to move forward. I did not cheat on him and I was being honest about what happened because I wanted a healthy and stable relationship. I got the exact opposite. His initial reaction when I told him was very strong and intense; he was acting like I cheated on him and completely fu*ked him over. I thought it was a bit over dramatic but I assumed it would pass as time went on. I began to discover that that was only the breaking point. His behavior towards me only got worse from there. Eventually, he told me he was diagnosed with BPD years ago and never got treatment because he didn't think it would help and he didn't want it. For the last three months or so, his behavior has been all over the place, not just regarding me. Everything was so perfect and amazing during the idealization phase of our relationship but once he realized I had flaws, it all changed. He will go through periods of time, whether its hours or days, where he will sulk and give me the silent treatment, while acting normal towards other people. Other days, when I can't handle that, I often force him to talk to me and then he always says hes upset because of the time I slept with my ex. It has been almost four months and we always have the same fight over an issue he cannot get over. He throws hurtful remarks at me when hes enraged and always makes it seem like its my fault.  I am always the one doing something wrong in his eyes. Its a constant emotional rollercoaster being with him. There are very few days now when he is loving and attentive, however I treasure those days all the while walking on eggshells and waiting for him to snap since it happens in an instant. His moods are so unstable and I can barely spend time with him anymore without feeling like I'll do something to upset him. However, I know that it isn't my fault deep down. We have broken up several time and each time, he comes back within a few hours to a day and seems to have turned a complete new attitude and perspective. He switches up constantly, and anything will set him off. For example, today, we went to a fast food place and he got a burger with only cheese and ketchup. When we got back to his house and he saw that they put condiments on it and messed up his order, he flipped out and slammed the door and stomped around outside. He also just got super angry with me today for changing my profile picture back to just me, instead of a picture of us together. He exhibits every sign of BPD and he has been diagnosed, I just dont know how to convince him to get help because he insists he doesn't need it and its my fault that hes so upset always. He also recently got mad at me and called me disloyal and basically made me feel worthless because, last time we broke up, I was sending flirty messages to a guy. He literally screamed at me and we had a huge fight ending in both of us crying, and everything I said was wrong because I was cruel and scandalous for not thinking that it was a big deal. He then sulked for two days. He thinks his behavior is totally okay and everything I say is turned against me and made to sound horrible... .all of that scares me. How do I cope and save our relationship? He is such a kind man at heart, his BPD is just so severe and I don't know how to get that through to him or get him help. I'm drowning, I'm unhappy, and I need help. Thank you for taking the time to read this, I appreciate all the help I can get.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi k-a-r,

We are here to be a life raft for you while you get your bearings 

It can often feel like drowning when trying to make sense of a BPD relationship. Fortunately, there are some skills that can help, many are counter-intuitive to the ways you might respond in a typical relationship.

The key is to keep your self worth intact so you have the strength to withstand the emotional injuries. He actually needs you to be strong, because somewhere he knows that his feelings are out of control. That might mean distracting him from emotionally arousing topics, to help him refocus on less charged topics.

It takes some learning, some practice, two steps forward, one step back, etc. We'll walk with you, people here understand what you're going through. 

[jrharvey]

Did he break up with you all those times or did you break up with him?

[k-a-r]

Did he break up with you all those times or did you break up with him?

he broke up with me each time when he was having an episode

[k-a-r]

Hi k-a-r,

We are here to be a life raft for you while you get your bearings 

It can often feel like drowning when trying to make sense of a BPD relationship. Fortunately, there are some skills that can help, many are counter-intuitive to the ways you might respond in a typical relationship.

The key is to keep your self worth intact so you have the strength to withstand the emotional injuries. He actually needs you to be strong, because somewhere he knows that his feelings are out of control. That might mean distracting him from emotionally arousing topics, to help him refocus on less charged topics.

It takes some learning, some practice, two steps forward, one step back, etc. We'll walk with you, people here understand what you're going through. 

thank you! last night we had a very good talk when he was in a better mood, and i finally confronted him with the seriousness of his BPD. he told he he understood and he knew all along, he was just afraid to talk to me about it because it is so severe and he didn't want to scare me away. I finally convinced him that he needs to deal with it and get on medication but im trying to convince him to take that further, and accept therapy to deal with his underlying issues from his past. im not sure how to do that... .?

[livednlearned]

Therapy can be scary, whether BPD or not. It takes courage to go deep and confront difficult feelings.

It might help to read as much about BPD as you can before talking about therapy for him, either reading the lessons here, talking and learning from people on the site, or reading some of the recommended books. There is research about how important it is for caregivers to understand the illness, and that has borne out in my experience.

It will help you understand why your BF might react like he does when you suggest therapy, and give you an idea how to communicate to him. That way, when you do bring it up, you will have a plan and some idea about how he might respond, increasing your chances that he will go.