Cant help BPD (ex)boy-friend

[Folha]

Hello everyone.
I need help. The pain is too strong.
I am 26. Five months ago I met this 25years old guy. We could recognized in the other something similar to ourselves. So we met one night and we immediately started talking about everything what was causing us this overwhelming sadness in our lives. I have been through a severely abusive childhood which hurt me a lot; he comes from a highly dysfunctional family, he was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and has been under psychopharmacology treatment for ten years (since age 16) for depression, self harming (he was cutting himself). We met that night and the night after, and the night after, and we never part anymore. It was all very intense and very natural and we were both in the fairy world since the two of us are not having an easy time in the social context, we feel very different from other people and are very lonely. But we were understanding each other perfectly. It went everything just too fast, after one month we were living together. We had a level of understanding each other which is beyond what I could ever dream for. In my opinion he is not borderline. He is just extremely sensitive. He is an amazing artist (he is pianist), he is so deep and feels things so deeply, but too much. He feels everything. For instance, he can not watch movies otherwise the emotions will hit him too much and put him down. He would look at a ray of sun coming from the window and start feeling very melancholic. If for instance a CD is laying on a table upside down he feels sad. He also suffers from anxiety and the external world is just too hard for him to face. Anyway I was very close to him and after 10 years he quitted psychomedicaments hopefully forever, or at least since two months he is not touching them. But since he quit, he got more paranoid. In fact he also suffers for obsessive compulsive disorder. Since he doesn't take pills he became more and more obsessive, he would ask me several times a day the same questions over and over ("are you sure about me? Are you not going to abandon me, right? Do you like someone more than me? You are not leaving me, right?) and then he feels too bad because of this thoughts, this invasions as he says. And he apologizes and feels terrible. He loves me very much, his feelings are real and are so deep and strong, his love just makes you want to cry, is not just words, I really feel how much he loves me. But the problem is, he is annihilating himself. I am also musician and although I love him very much I don't have such problems doing my life, my studying, my violin. Of course life is very hard and of course i have my big problems too but I manage to go on somehow. He can not. Since he is with me, he just can not do anything else than thinking about me. He is obsessed somehow. He can not touch the piano anymore. He has an important piano performance in few days and since approximately two months he can't play a note. He says, he can't set his mind anywhere else than me. When I am not home with him he just lays in bed thinking or writing me long poems or long letters, or when things go "better" he reads something. When we are together we get along so perfectly even if the last month was very heavy because his paranoia became more and more present (his compulsive asking me if I am not leaving and so on), and he had such a bad time with jealousy, totally nonsense jealousy since I give him no reason to be jealous, he knows how much I love him, he knows that I don't care at all about anyone else, he knows! Yet he can't fight and stop these invading thoughts. During our time together I stayed so close to him and I did my best to help him. He also had health problems and I took him to doctors and hospitals and I don't know anymore. I supported him in quitting the medicaments and he quitted, his all life he wanted to quit but never could. His parents also always forced him to take the pills, even when he wanted to quit. This person is so rich inside, he has such an incredible colorful deep world inside, and no one knows. I am the only person in this world knowing what kind of beauty he is hiding. Because he is also avoidant, can not make friends, is so hard for him to have social contacts, he tends to escape all the time and to be invisible. He never opens up. Just with me he opened up completely and he shew me so much of himself. He is a hidden treasure. So we were living together all these months, the whole summer, although we never went one day to the seaside (which I love and need and which is just 45 minutes far from home), because of his anxiety. We didn't go to any place actually, no vacation. Just home all the time and around the town sometimes. To him it was very hard, the external world, the maximum was going to buy some ice cream in a very nice place quite far from home. By the way, here comes the thing. Few days ago I went to my parents home and he went to his parents home, so we are now 400 km far. This was because I had some healthy problems and needed some doctors, and he preferred to go back home rather than staying in our place without me. Few days ago he writes me that he is depressed, that he feels empty, that he sees nothing, he can't stay on nothing, can't concentrate can't think about anything else than me, can't touch the piano, nothing. So he writes me (he writes!) that he loves me very much, too much, and maybe in a wrong way, since he can't see himself anymore, so he says he needs a break. So he left me. Actually last month there was an episode where he left me because he was so jealous that he invented a story himself about me and someone who was contacting me due to job issues, and he believed his story and then left me because of blinding nonsense jealousy. I swear there is absolutely nothing between me and anyone else, i am not even barely interested in anyone else. This happened when he also was at his parents place. After three days of no contact I wrote him because I couldn't bare it anymore and we decided to come back together so we went back living to our place and everything was "nice" except of his feelings of emptiness and depression (which he has since he is 16 years old). Now I don't know what to do. Currently we are not a couple anymore. I just can't believe he could left me like this. I really can't. I don't know what to do. After he wrote me he wanted a break, I got angry, two hours before he was telling me how much he loves me and how much he misses me, then suddenly tells me he can't live anymore like this because there is no himself anymore, so he leaves me because he loves me too much. I got angry because is not the first time he leaves me and I suffered very much the first time, it was a big shock. So I told him that I don't want to know about him anymore, and he just replied ok, goodbye. This time is very painful and now seems to me something real. I don't know what to do. I love him very much, I am conscious it is a hard relationship, sharing life with someone complicated as he is, and I myself I am also not the easiest person. But I never prevented him from practicing the piano or doing his life, I always encouraged him and tried to help him. This block he has with the piano is not new (he told me it happened many times in the past... Some times he can practice 10 hours every day for months, some times he can not even look at the keyboard), his depression is something real since ten years now, so I dont think is my fault if he is feeling so bad now. What can I do? Please help me.

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[Mutt]

Hi Folha,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm so sorry that you're going through this difficult time. I would feel emotionally distressed and worried about what to do too. You're right, BPD is also known as emotional regulation disorder where a person is born without an emotional skin and can't cope with emotional attacks, perceived or real and can't self sooth or regulate their emotions, feelings are amplified two thousand fold. Some experts say that BPD is a shame based disorder, a pwBPD feel more negative emotions than positive ones and have low self worth and low self esteem. BPD is often co-morbid with clinical depression or mood disorder, OCD would fall into anxiety disorders, people that suffer from anxiety will often avoid what they fear and that will reinforce what they fear.

After he wrote me he wanted a break, I got angry, two hours before he was telling me how much he loves me and how much he misses me

I would feel angry too. Emotional intimacy triggers the disorder, when someone is close to a pwBPD they will push their partner away and the distance will trigger their fear of abandonment and they will pull their partner closer, the push-pull behavior can feel like crazy making behavior to the non disordered partner. I recall feeling like I was walking on eggshells with my ex wife because of the push / pull behavior. I never knew were I stood it was frustrating. Last month was a bad month for you, he was jealous, a pwBPD fear rejection and anticipate that they will be rejected, perceived or real, did he break up with you last month? Was there push / pull behavior?

I'm glad that you decided to join us, many members here can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. It helps to talk to others that have walked a mile in your shoes.
There is hope  

BPD BEHAVIORS: Fear of Intimacy

[Folha]

Hi and thank you very much for your answer 

Last month was a bad month for you, he was jealous, a pwBPD fear rejection and anticipate that they will be rejected, perceived or real, did he break up with you last month? Was there push / pull behavior?

Yes last month he broke up with me all of a sudden during a brief staying in another city (at his family's home) because something completely absurd appeared in his fantasies and he became scarily blind jealous. One hour before he was all normal, texting me how much he was missing me and how barely he could live so far from me. Then suddenly he changes and leaves me because of a jealousy attack. I was destroyed, After three days of no contact (and I wonder how can he be so strong to cut every contact, while he normally writes me or calls me every hour or so) I finally contacted him and he replied he was feeling horror without me, and that he couldn't do anything, just lying on the bed be being sad.
But now? Again, he goes back to his parents place (his parents are also not very mentally fine, his mother takes antidepressants her whole life and she is very depressive type) and he leaves me. Because he loves me too much at the point that he can't live his own life anymore. What shall I do? Is there something between the lines that I don't get? Should I just let him go, should I call him, ? I have no idea what to do but I am sure, If we'd come back together the situation would represent again in the future. It hurts so much and unfortunately I love him also very much, and I believe you can't leave someone if there is still love, in this case such a strong one.

[Mutt]

Hi Folha,

I'm happy to hear that  

Then suddenly he changes and leaves me because of a jealousy attack. I was destroyed, After three days of no contact (and I wonder how can he be so strong to cut every contact, while he normally writes me or calls me every hour or so) I finally contacted him and he replied he was feeling horror without me, and that he couldn't do anything, just lying on the bed be being sad.

I would feel destroyed too, especially within the context that the jealousy was something out of a dream, but maybe there's some truth to that? A pwBPD are hyper-sensitive to rejection and are constantly scanning for queues that they are going to be rejected, perceived or real. What I mean by that, it could be that the hyper-sensitivity to rejection was in subconscious mind?

He didn't contact you for three days, maybe he feels ashamed for his behavior and he's being avoidant because he feels shame? Did you decide to call him back? I don't think that it's going to do harm if you did so.

[Folha]

Yes you are totally right, pwBPD are and he is hyper sensitive to rejection, real or just imagined, and he came back. But now he leaves me again because "he loves me too much" and there is not anymore life for him, his own life, he feels lost in the love for me and has lost himself, his interest in music (the only thing that has always been with him and the only reason why he was living), he can not do anything else that thinking about me, like an obsession. He can not go on in his life, with studying, practicing piano, preparing concerts, so on.
Now, beside BPD, is there such thing as loving someone too much, up to the point that you are compelled to leave the person you love? I always thought, when there is love there is everything, come what may. Shall I don't consider pwBPD human then? How is it possible to leave me because he is annihilating himself? I don't know what to do. I miss him terribly and I would like to call him but he decided like that, and whenever he'd decide to come back, the same situation will represent in the future, he will leave me because he can not go on in life because of a way too strong love for me.
Thank you for your words, it really helps me to talk to somebody, I have no one to talk to, also because nobody knows the BPD dynamics, me neither

[Meili]

I miss him terribly and I would like to call him but he decided like that, and whenever he'd decide to come back, the same situation will represent in the future, he will leave me because he can not go on in life because of a way too strong love for me.

It doesn't necessarily have to play out like that. It only takes one person to change a dynamic in a relationship. When the dynamic is changed, the other person has to make a decision about how to handle the change.

[Mutt]

Hi Folha,

Now, beside BPD, is there such thing as loving someone too much, up to the point that you are compelled to leave the person you love? I always thought, when there is love there is everything, come what may. Shall I don't consider pwBPD human then?

I don't think that we need to label love and there's no right way of loving someone? I know that BPD is difficult to understand, but to answer your question about self destructive behaviors, a pwBPD anticipate that everyone that they care about will abandon them and they will reject people before they're rejected.

Have you heard from him?

[Folha]

Hi Folha,

I don't think that we need to label love and there's no right way of loving someone? I know that BPD is difficult to understand, but to answer your question about self destructive behaviors, a pwBPD anticipate that everyone that they care about will abandon them and they will reject people before they're rejected.

Have you heard from him?

Hi, some time has passed, he contacted me after almost one month of silence that was devastating for me. He wrote me two long emails during two nights, just saying that he misses me very badly and that he still loves me. He wrote down some of the wonderful experiences and moments we lived. I haven't answered yet. One side of me wants to be in his arms again but on the other side, what I've read so far in the Internet is that pwBPD often come back but they are never sincere, or better, whenever you open the door they will soon leave you again according to the same dynamic. What to do?

[Meili]

The dynamic will only be the same if you allow it to be the same. You are in control of how you respond to situations and communicate. By changing your own actions, you can change the dynamic.

[C.Stein]

The dynamic will only be the same if you allow it to be the same. You are in control of how you respond to situations and communicate. By changing your own actions, you can change the dynamic.

While I agree with this it is also important to understand that you cannot change him.  He will be who he is until he decides to change.

[patientandclear]

Folha--it could help the dynamic and maybe bring you some peace of mind to know that this is a real thing, his fear that he will lose himself being too close to you. There's an article on this site called Why We Struggle In Our Relationships. It contains an enlightening section about how threatened someone with BPD can feel when there is nothing wrong: indeed, due to closeness that they themselves sought.

Just understanding won't change it, but you being mad at him about it isn't going to help. He cannot just choose not to feel this way. Validating his feelings of being overwhelmed by the r/ship such that he cannot find himself again may be a first step forward.

My ex DID need to get away from r/ships in order to figure out who he was individually. He wasn't wrong that his deep feeling of need for me imperiled his own self development. He still doesn't have much insight into these dynamics five years later. He misses me but can't be with me (and he, unlike your guy, is so lacking in insight about the nature of his feelings that he keeps trying to find a new woman with whom this won't happen, which is an awful experience for me, but that's not for this thread!) Your person seems somewhat aware of the nature of his bad feelings. That gives you something to validate--to understand and show him you understand. (You could write back and say you understand his need to protect himself; you get that feeling overtaken by feelings for someone else to the point where you can't be yourself isn't sustainable; you support finding a balance if possible and want to try with him; maybe you both can get therapeutic support that assists with doing that, because it's not intuitive, but you are willing to try).

As I say, my ex cannot manage it. It's hard to accept. I hope your guy, with his greater self understanding, decides to gain some skills to protect his self without destroying his most important r/ship. He may or may not.

Last point: shame is doubtless in play here. Telling him how much you love him won't help--he knows. Understanding could help. That said, only you know how willing and able you are to endure this situation. It is legitimate to be hurt and sad.