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ShaSha

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 14


« on: September 05, 2016, 12:52:32 PM »

So, I have not posted or even visited BPD.com for quite a while now.  My partner's ex-wife is uBPD and they have a 24yr daughter he adopted and a biological 19 yr daughter.  We've been together 4 years and thru the heat of child custody evals, sports competitions, minors counsel, graduation, college, and all the other life events that have created difficulty with x.  We read, researched, counseled, studied, screamed, cried, fought, loved, and above all else held out hope.  This site helped us so tremendously in so many different ways and always reassured us that we were not alone!  Something inside me knew... .I knew those situations were temporary... .I knew 19 yr daughter was intelligent enough to see the big picture (someday)... .I knew things would come full circle or karmatic intention... .I knew it wouldn't be easy... .I knew I had to stay classy when I just wanted to go ghetto... .I knew I had to be the better parent... .I knew she would come around... .I just had to continue reassuring my partner because he just did NOT know and couldn't see further than the pain.
This summer has been the catalyst to change it all! D decided to stay at school this summer and not come home to stay with mom.  We visited and had a wonderful camping trip and talked without reservation! D texted me for the first time in 4 years! She thanked me for coming to see her and we've been communicating here n there! She sought out my number and this may seem very small but for me it was HUGE!). She asks my advice about boys and her landlord and school and it just makes my heart sing! The (survival) lying is slowly minimizing as she realizes we dont give large reactions to simple information!  She talks to us about her mom and how difficult it is.  We validate and listen.  We STILL do NOT speak poorly of her mother and encourage different techniques to deal with her.  D has been a pleasure to be around and I'm so incredibly grateful for the choices we made years ago.  We are now finally reaping the benefits of those very difficult times.  Unfortunately, (and typical of BPD) we have no relationship with adopted 24yr d as she is currently white to uBPDx and is emeshed.  We've never been able to have a relationship with both girls at the same time.
I'm working hard not to gloat in uBPDx's unfortunate self induced poor choices that are now backfiring. The man she cheated with has now asked her to leave & she exploded in to a DV rage (as she did with my partner).  It's so bad that d would not stay there this weekend when she was visiting. UBPDx had to be paid to move out and d says "too bad she can't put on her big girl pants and pay for herself". 
The reason I came back to share this is because there were times that were so dark and we were not able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Being the "outsider", I suffered from a lack of understanding for those type of family dynamics and the BPD family helped me achieve an action plan to proceed.  These situations taught me so much about mental illness, its effects, and how to pick up the pieces to move forward.  I was stretched and had to exercise more self control than I knew I had.  I do not even have words for the way it feels now and the rewards of our efforts. Many of the folks here were the encouragement we needed and a voice of reason we hadn't heard.  ":)ivorce Poison" was our bible and we would even bring it to court with us!
I just want to say... hang it there and if this is tough time... remember "and this too shall pass". Do it for the children, you'll never go wrong if that is always at the forefront of your actions.  They will come around, although it will be in their time... .not yours.
Thank you BPD family for all your wisdom, support, kindness, and advice.  You have been invaluable in navigating our journey through BPD and its effects on our family.
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bus boy
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 908


« Reply #1 on: September 05, 2016, 01:44:07 PM »

Thank you for posting your success story. Access has been a nightmare. I have been alienated in a most cruel way and since the last year she met someone new and he has joined in on her cruelty and she has given her bf full father rights to my son. So many times I wanted to give up but the BPD family and my T have never given up on telling me to hang in, s9 needs you in his life. I rarely hear from him between access visits, I text him every day but don't always get a text back. Xw's cruelty is getting worse. We were to have a review of the court order but her behaviour was so crude during the past 9 months, since the new  order, I backed out and asked to go straight to trial, so we have trial in November and she is still acting malicious, shows no regard for compramising like adults, she has always been terrable, she is just getting worse. Your post was very encouraging for me to read. 2 weeks ago I had a very disturbing encounter with xw and bf and yesterday I had another disturbing encounter. It is very difficult mentally and emotionally. When I read success stories like yours it gives me the courage to keep pushing on for s9.

Thank you
Bus boy
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sanemom
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1013



« Reply #2 on: September 06, 2016, 11:05:54 AM »

Thank you so much, ShaSha!  What a wonderful story of hope and how love ultimately wins!

We are just now coming out of the rubble after 7 long years of alienation and destruction.  Two alienated kids are in college, and one we finally got custody of after proving the extensive alienation (and temporarily no contact with the alienator).  Once we got the no-contact order, it feels like BPD mom is trying to prove she is NOT alienating and the college kids suddenly started opening up to us.  It is clear they are relieved that the high conflict of the past 7 years is over... .at least for now.

The high schooler who was being alienated has a better relationship with DH and I than he ever has... .the wall has been brought down.  I don't even think I realized it was there even in better less-alienated times.  However, I can tell he is struggling.  He says he is depressed, and although his engagement with us is better than ever and he seems to be having a lot of fun with us, I know there has to be some internal struggle going on, perhaps realizing just how much his mom tricked and manipulated him to believe things that were simply not true about us.
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