The Projection Game

[Thunderstruck]

Do any of you replace the "you"s with "I"s in the other BPD parents messages? DH and I do this with uBPDbm when she sends crages (crazy rages). They make more sense this way!

Do you think projection is really insight into the pwBPD true feelings? Because if so, yesterday's was really sad.

":)o (I) not remember what the judge said when we were in court at all? (I) really need to work on being more cooperative and being less of a jerk. (I'm) not helping (my) case at all and I think that's the plan. I think ultimately (I) don't want SD11 and that's why (I) make things so difficult and so argumentative all the time."

[david]

I've done that a few times and it seems to make more sense when I do. My ex can't see past her nose sometimes.
I am sure everyone projects at times but the severity I have seen from my ex tops anything I have ever seen before. I interpret it as she is going through some crisis in her mind and needs to protect herself from the truth. Her angriest moments usually follow major projections of blame towards me.

[Kowalski]

I forget to do this, but I have done it. There was a long message from my UstbxPDw and changing it to reflect that it was a project made so much sense. I wish it was automatic: Maybe in time it will. Replaying things in my mind from circular conversations and arguments over the years has really helped me understand things better.

[catclaw]

Since dh stopped JADEing in his emails, we get less and less blaming. Our problem is that right now, she blames us in front of ss9 instead of ranting towards dh directly which makes things a lot worse. But recalling mails from a year or so ago, this makes so much sense.

You're right, the message sounds sad. I find it a little desperate as well. I really don't want to be inside BPDm's mind, not a single minute.

[Thunderstruck]

We get projections/crages like these whenever we say "no" to something uBPDbm wants/demands. We are trying not to JADE, but we do have to at least appear to be cooperative because we're still going through the courts for custody (so instead of just a "No" we would say "No, I'm sorry, we have plans blah blah". We've also been working really hard not to get caught in circular arguments and not taking the bait when uBPDbm tries to instigate a fight.

Projection is really strange to me. I mean, it doesn't make much sense why we would hire a lawyer and a CE and spend thousands and thousands to go through this process if ultimately DH didn't want SD11. uBPDbm knows that doesn't make sense, right? Wouldn't DH just have walked away four years ago? So why would she say it? Because it's actually what SHE feels. She is enjoying going out with her friends and not having the drudgery of parental responsibility, but that's too difficult of an admission to make so she flips it on DH.

In real life I see her actions and I understand this feeling of hers is probably true, but I just can't wrap my head around the fact that she knows it is true but projects it onto DH.

[david]

It's black and white thinking. She is either all good or all bad. When she feels something bad about herself she needs to project that on to someone else. It's the same as a two year old when they do something they know they shouldn't have. They try to put the blame on something/someone else.

[bravhart1]

I couldn't help but wonder if OUR BPDm would send this email if she could. It would certainly explain much in our last year.
Since the court took SD away from mom, mom has not done one single thing to get any visitation or contact back. It's a head scratcher. Mother of the year to zilch. All therapists involved believe she is stuck in a place where she can't admit she's enjoyed being able to focus on just herself (her favorite topic) and that it's easier to say we are to blame than admit she's not cut out for parenting. Or at least putting anyone before herself.

Maybe you have stumbled onto some sort of fall back position that the pwBPD take when pushed beyond their tolerance level? They just want out. But they want it to be your fault, to remain blameless. I believe when this whole custody thing becomes more work than ego gratification they find something or someone else to give them a boost. And the kids are just an after thought or less.

It has always seems like your BPDm and mine are very similar. Last year, when it was coming down to the wire of exposure of her parenting, our BPDm seemed to shoot herself in the foot to end it.

 Maybe your BPDm wants a break? I think that is what she is trying ( in her own backwards BPD way) to relay.

[catclaw]

I was thinking about this for the last few hours and somethig came into my mind that explains so much:

Bpdm claims 24/7 that ss9 is not ready to have basic responsibilities bacause he's just so little and playful and generally responsibilities are just too much.

Given the fact that close people can serve as an extension of the pwBPD, this explains her inability to work, take proper care of ss and pay child support.  She goes to teacher-parent-talks wearing a flower crown, furry leopard jackets and pentagram earrings. Now who's the playful and little one.