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Author Topic: What are the secrets of co-parenting with a borderline?  (Read 1468 times)
Moselle
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Every day is a gift. Live it fully


« on: September 12, 2016, 05:08:16 PM »

Mine refuses or is incapable of co-operating.

Has anybody been able to work cooperatively and successfully with the borderline and how did you do it?
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HopefulDad
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« Reply #1 on: September 12, 2016, 05:50:08 PM »

It's easier if you're divorced and have a custody agreement in place.  At least in that situation you can adhere to ":)ad's house, dad's rules.  Mom's house, mom's rules." and also enforce the custody agreement via contempt charges should the pwBPD try to step all over it.

Short of that, it's a PITA, but limiting communication to emails and texts helps because then there's no confusion of facts: Whatever was said or agreed upon is there for everyone to see.  Keep all emails/texts.  Disable the auto-delete feature from your phone's text app.
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Kowalski
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« Reply #2 on: September 12, 2016, 07:06:04 PM »

It's not. Forget "co-" anything. Let parallel parenting come into play.
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enlighten me
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« Reply #3 on: September 13, 2016, 01:20:17 AM »

I have two uBPD exs and children with both.

There are a lot of similarities in their behaviour but there are also a number of differences.

With my ex wife there was a balance and things where working well until my sons wanted nothing more to do with her and came to live with me. Ive gone from being a good dad to the devil in her eyes. It doesnt affect me as I have the boys living with me.

with my exgf things are steady and calm.

With both of them I found flexibility was the key in the begining. If they wanted to change times and dates and it didnt affect me too much then I would do it. I would put my foot down if they began taking liberties though but in a calm and logical way. There was some sacrifice but it paid off.

I avoid emotion during interactions. Dont get suckked into arguments. Always be on time and dont interfere with their lives.

No two people are the same so I dont think there is a single answer. You just have to learn what triggers them and avoid it.
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Panda39
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« Reply #4 on: September 13, 2016, 07:05:33 AM »

It's not. Forget "co-" anything. Let parallel parenting come into play.

I agree parallel style parenting worked best for my SO.  Interestingly the court actually set he and his wife up for this style of parenting by dividing up decision making for different things.  My SO received Education, Medical and Dental decision making and his uBPDexw received Psych (talk about putting the fox in charge of the hen house!), Vision and Gynecological decision making.  So dad was able to meet the kids basic needs. 

In some situations you have to try and cooperate/co-parent there is no avoiding it and sometimes in those situations the kids loose because of their BPD parent's inability to see past themselves to the needs of their children.  It sucks but sometimes you just have to accept and let it go.  In our case as the kids became older they saw where the problem was and gravitated towards their dad to get what they needed.  Eventually their mother did completely unacceptable things to her own kids and they "voted with their feet" and moved in with dad full-time.  Both girls are currently Low Contact with their mother and live with dad.

So as much as possible just do what you do at your house and here's the hard part you have to let her do what she does at her house.  The best thing you can do is show your kids a healthy low drama way to live.  Validate their feelings, set boundaries and be their parent.  As much as you want to you can't control anyone but yourself so just go out there and be the best parent you can be and frankly if I were you, wherever possible let go of the idea of "co-parenting" because IMO it doesn't work with someone with BPD... .It means cooperating and putting the needs of the children first and at least in my SO's situation his ex is 95% incapable of doing those two things.

Panda39
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ambivalentmom
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« Reply #5 on: September 13, 2016, 07:19:54 AM »

I saw that you are in the process of divorcing (on your profile page), so her difficulty could be a result of the divorce triggering her.  I believe in counseling for everyone, always, because of the stress that comes with divorce, especially for the kids.

I would like to say to also distance yourself emotionally from her and keep records of everything.  I use google calendar and keep a seperate calendar as a diary of crap I have to deal with (not just times he's late, but his behaviors, my attempts to call, or odd things D13 says).  I also have emails from ex automatically put into a seperate folder, so I can read it when I can handle it and/or with my husband/or friend who knows what's going on.

The less attached you are emotionally, the easier it will be to skip past the junk in the emails, get to the parts that regard your kids, and look at the requests objectively.  It will also be easier understand her triggers and specific behaviors to make it easier to work with her.

Know that you can co-parent, but you can't make her co-parent.  I agree about parallel parenting, but you could also show that you are willing to co-parent, which will show the judge that you are not cause of the friction.  :)o everything you should on your side, read supporting literature on divorce and kids, read books on co-parenting, and communicate your information as you would when working with a normal parent, but email only to keep record.  One more shout out to counseling, they can provide guidance and affirmation that will keep you from being too accomidating to your ex.

These are just some random ideas.  I hope there is something in all of this that you can use.

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Thunderstruck
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« Reply #6 on: September 14, 2016, 09:24:43 AM »

Ha! I'd like to know these secrets too! We've been trying to "co-parent" for four years (because we're still going through the custody process)... .but in reality we more like parallel parent.
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"The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so. But we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitos and silly people." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
bravhart1
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« Reply #7 on: September 14, 2016, 10:41:39 AM »

For some it seems the pwBPD can be reasoned with or cajoled into cooperating.

For us, BPDm was uber controlling and sporting for a fight when there wasn't one. We found having the court issue an order to have a parent coordinator with the ability to make REAL decisions and actions, such as being able to take away time or issue time back for good and or bad behaviour was key to holding boundries and staying out of court all the time when the order got broken. Just also make sure you get it put in the order that the coordinator bills the responsible party for whoever's drama it is.

Saves a ton of money!
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david
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« Reply #8 on: September 14, 2016, 04:49:32 PM »

If you get a parent coordinator make sure you get a good one that will enforce boundaries. We had one that was an attorney also. She tried to find compromise all the time even to the detriment of the kids. Our state passed a law during that time saying only a judge can change a custody order thereby nullifying parent coordinators.
I parallel parent and only communicate through email. I follow our court order. The majority of our custody order was written by me and it covered all the issues I was having at that time and things I anticipated. When ex tries to circumvent the order I quote the order in my reply.
I have one clause that says that any changes in the order must be agreed to by both parties in an email exchange. When ever I agree tom a change I also state that this is a one time occurrence and not to be interpreted as a permanent change.
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bus boy
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« Reply #9 on: September 15, 2016, 04:57:31 PM »

Hi Moselle, sorry, I have no solid advice as of yet. All I can say in my case is everything is totally 100% impossible. S9 is now s10 and I see no change in site. I've tried every way to co parent. One thing I did learn about my xw is just keep giving her all the rope I can. I am happy letting her hang herself as much as I can before court in November.  Document everything.
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ForeverDad
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« Reply #10 on: September 20, 2016, 03:43:04 PM »

Back in 2007 my custody evaluator called it "tag team parenting".  Make sure the order allows you to have full control of your scheduled parenting time.  My Ex claimed that if I was working then she could barge in after school for the 2-3 hours before I got off work.  That's why I made sure my final decree's settlement made it clear that daycare had the same status as school, she couldn't march in and claim, "I'm Mother of the Year (MOTY) and I get what I want!"  That's what helped for me, though it didn't weaken her sense of entitlement.  (Depending on your situation, such as you the reasonably normal parent being available before or after school, you may not want that clause.)

Going from alternate weekends to equal time and Residential Parent (2008) didn't phase her.  Even getting sole custody (2011) didn't.  What finally deflated her entitlement balloon was when I tried a third time in court (2013), got majority time during the school year and child support ended.  However, we had separated when son was a preschooler and I got majority when he was almost 12 years old, so him being older may have been a factor too.
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ennie
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« Reply #11 on: September 21, 2016, 11:46:26 PM »

1) Clear boundaries derived from caring for what you love, not from what you want her/him not to do.
2) lots of support--counselors for everyone, friends, family, teachers, lots of folks who let you know you are not crazy.
3) Somehow learning that all their drama is meaningless. It is just not as serious as it seems.  It is just fluff, a way of connecting that person figured out at some point that is just not that fun, but very compelling if you think it is real.  But it is just imaginary drama based on another drama that is over and done and part of a long-ago life as a child.  That is not to say real things do not come out of the drama... .but that if you divest yourself of it in a kind but peaceful way, it diffuses 90+ percent of it, as it is only real when you make it real.
4) Constant love and contact with the kids, with no judgement for them or the BPD parent.
5) Figuring out how to empathize, and not confusing that with whether or not to have boundaries.  Understand that this persons actions are far more painful for them than for you, and that you are free to live your life without that pain. 
6) Learning the communication skills to do all of this: to be able to know the drama is meaningless, but not to say it in a way that is invalidating or diminishing.  "I love the way you support me when you are feeling strong; let's connect again when you feel that way" instead of "I hate the way you treat me when you are not getting what you want."  To be able to speak love and validation to kids without criticizing the BPD parent, and without lying to protect the parent.  Talking straight about hard things without judgement and without pulling punches. Learning how to convey empathy in words a BPD person--who wants to be validated, but is terrified to know who she is... .not leaning in to the bottomless pit expecting it to hold you up, and being able to tell that to the BPD person without caring if she can hear you... .but in a way that is attuned to her ability to hear.
7) find a way to make happiness, as BPD eats happiness around it.
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trappeddad
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« Reply #12 on: October 01, 2016, 10:24:59 PM »

In my case there is no secret.   It is simply impossible to co-parent.    I have to accept this or go back to court.         
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