co signing an apartment.

[penny52]

My udBPD daughter 27 wants me to co sign for an apartment for her, she just started working, 3 days so far.I have her kids 4 and 7 at least until end of February. I have seen the last places she has lived at and they have been filthy and damaged. I'm alone and can't afford to pay her rent and damage fees. She hasn't even started any treatment really yet. She throws in my face that I have done it for my youngest daughter who is responsible and who I have never had to paid any thing for regarding rent or damage for the last 3 years. I don't want to discourage her but I scared to think about being stuck for rent shortages, any ideas?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Panda39]

Don't let FOG (Fear, Obligation & Guilt) force you to make a bad decision. 

Each of your children are different, you do not have to treat them both identically. Your other daughter has demonstrated her responsibility and earned your trust, so assistance.  Your 27 year old has not demonstrated the same so should not be treated the same, particularly if you can't cover the debt if things fall through.  That would be irresponsible on your part... .as often mentioned on this site think of the airplane analogy... .If there is a loss of cabin pressure you are instructed to put your oxygen mask on and then help others.  In other words if you co-sign and your daughter fails she not only goes down, but then you go down, and with you going down the safety net for your grandchildren.  Keep your finances separate (put on your oxygen mask) protect them for your future and theirs if needed (then you can help others).

Listen to your gut it's telling you what the right thing for you to do is.  In my opinion co-signing is a bad idea. (I think co-signing is a bad idea in general either the person who needs the money saves up, or they take on their own financial risk)

On a personal note I have a friend and her mother who co-signed student loans for my friend's brother and both are paying for it now.  It has affected the mothers ability to retire.

Your daughter has started working which is great!  Have her save up for her own place.  I know it's hard not to jump in but she is a 27 year old adult with 2 children she needs to learn that she is responsible for herself. 

My SO worried about his uBPDxw being able to take care of herself too and his mom told him she was like a cat... .she would land on her feet and she has. 

Panda39

[livednlearned]

Hi penny52,

You care about her and want her to stabilize, it's understandable. I agree with what Panda39 said, that it's good to acknowledge any FOG you might feel, and not let it drive your decision-making. I've never made any good decisions when motivated by fear, obligation, or guilt.

Your D will be angry because she wants what she wants, and she will probably be angry if you help her, too. Because helping her also sends the message that she is not competent and can't do it on her own, which triggers her feelings of inadequacy. It's a lose-lose, other than the one passing moment when she feels relief, before reality sets in.

One thing I have learned over the years is to come up with some kind of solution and then let them pick how they want to proceed. Maybe you offer to help her do a year-long trial run of budgeting. Or maybe you make the offer that any month she makes rent, you deposit some money in the account, too. In the months she can't make rent, you point out how you don't have the funds to cover. Something like that.

It's hard to be a good problem-solver when emotions are constantly dysregulating, so she may need you to model possible solutions for her (versus rescuing her).

[penny52]

Thanks Panda and Livednlearned, you are of course correct, time to bow out regarding her money problems, thanks for the support! And I think the the analogy about the cat was right on,

[livednlearned]

Have you used SET skills with her (support, empathy, truth)? It might help when breaking the news to her.

Support: "I can tell how important this is to you, and I want to support your independence. You have a job and want to move out on your own, and I admire you for that."
Empathy: "You've been under a lot of stress and now you're getting on your feet. All of this must make you feel ready to live on your own and be independent."
Truth: "I recognize how much you want this and want me to co-sign. This is what I can do. We can do a mock rent scenario for six months while you save enough money as though you were paying rent. The months that you can't, I'll check to see if I would have enough to help you make up the difference. If I can't do it, then that means figuring out a different solution than having me co-sign. This way we'll be able to tell if this is a plan that can work long-term."

Something like that?