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kevmeister

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
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« on: September 29, 2016, 06:35:02 PM »

I’ve been reading the BPD Family message board, off and on, for over a year and it has already made a difference in feeling less lonely and isolated. So, I’ve now joined hoping for more of the same. I have a uBPDm and a uNPDf. Happy to make my first post.
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kevmeister

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Posts: 6


« Reply #1 on: September 29, 2016, 07:15:02 PM »

I’ve been reading the thread on Silent treatment over several weeks now (a couple of pages at a time) and it has helped immensely. My BPD mom started giving me the silent treatment when I was 10 years old. And she stopped when I was around 20 years old. She started giving me the silent treatment at 10 to punish me for some small infraction. My mind would start whirling trying to figure out what I had done wrong to set her off. If I did finally find out what the problem was, it was something trivial like while cleaning my room I had missed picking up a sock or a toy. Most of the time I didn’t find out what I had done that was wrong. Sometimes the silent treatment went on for days and other times it went on for weeks. When she first started giving me the silent treatment, I easily forgave her after she started talking to me again. She hugged me and I hugged her back. She cried and said she would never do it again because she knew how difficult it was on me. This “honeymoon phase” only lasted a couple of weeks, however, before she did it again. I was less forgiving this time and she was less apologetic.

After a while, when not in silent treatment mode, I didn’t want her to touch me, even to put a hand on my shoulder as I would shrug it off. I no longer trusted my mom. During the silent treatment, at 10 years old, it was difficult to function as I had to make many decisions myself as to what to wear, how to get to school, is my homework packed, etc. I spent time at school thinking about what I had done wrong and how to fix it. The silent treatment was also a bit of a family secret. My father and brother knew my mom was mad and me but they didn’t know she was giving me the silent treatment (my grandmother wouldn’t find out about this until I was 20). I was afraid to say anything to anyone for fear she would really be mad, physically abuse me while my dad and brother weren’t around or extend the length of the silent treatment. When I was 15 years old, my family bought a ranch and we moved 100 miles away to a new city (and a new high school for me). I had a lot on my plate. I transferred mid school year, helped my dad with the ranch, got tutoring in math and played a sport. A month after moving my mom asked me if I knew how to tune up her car. I didn’t drive yet and said I had never done a tune up myself, I had just watched dad do it. So, I forgot about this. Weeks later she started another silent treatment which lasted a couple of months. My dad did find out about this silent treatment and the reason for it.

He told me that mom was going through menopause and that was the real reason for the silent treatment. The silent treatments stopped when I was 20 years old. At the beginning June my mom started another silent treatment. My grandmother got to witness this one (she was disabled and lived with us) and she kept asking me to try to end it by trying to talk to my mom. I told my grandmother this would not end the silent treatment as was more likely to piss her off and extend it. I told my grandmother that this had been going on for years. I still remember her gasping when I said this. She also validated me several times over the summer by saying “your mom is crazy.” She wasn’t worried about herself (but I was) as she was actually worried about me. I told her that I had a plan to end the silent treatments once and for all. My plan was to give the silent treatment back to my mom after she decided to talk to me again. At 20, I was not nearly as impacted as I was at 10 by the silent treatment. I was going to community college, had a part-time job, homework, a car and was busy so I was not all that dependent upon my mom. In the last days of August my mom started trying to talk to me. I ignored her. In fact, I gave the silent treatment back to her until the end of September. This was the last time it happened. I think my grandmother was the most relieved.
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Naughty Nibbler
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
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« Reply #2 on: September 29, 2016, 09:25:10 PM »


Welcome Kevmeister:
I'm so glad you made your first post!  It is good to know that BPD Family is helping you feel less lonely and isolated.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Although we wouldn't wish our problems on others, it is comforting when we discover that others have very similar problems.

Was there a particular event that brought you here a year ago?  How are things going with your parents at the present time? 
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Naughty Nibbler
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« Reply #3 on: September 29, 2016, 10:56:40 PM »

Kevmeister:    

I'm so sorry you had to go through all those episodes of "silent treatment" with your mom.  Sounds like you may have been the only recipient of it, is that right?  You may have been the one she split to "painted black".

I'm glad you broke her of her habit.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Fie
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Relationship status: Single
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« Reply #4 on: September 30, 2016, 02:23:15 PM »

Hello Kevmeister 

Welcome !
Thanks for your willingness to share your story with us. It's not good what your mum did. You must have felt terrible about those silent treatments.
Each story I'm reading I am still amazed on how cruel some parents can be with their children.
My mum is BPD too, so I can relate.

Keep posting if you want. Your story will help others, and we will try to help you.

Fie
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kevmeister

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 6


« Reply #5 on: September 30, 2016, 05:03:41 PM »

Hi Naughty Nibbler,

Thanks for the warm welcome.

"Was there a particular event that brought you here a year ago?" Yes, several years ago I read a book called Ostracism which really helped. I did some searches online but didn't find this message board or much info about others who have been victimized with the silent treatment. A little over a year ago I had a breakup from the 10 year relationship and decided to recommit to working on myself. I did another search for the silent treatment and I found this message board. Through the BPD Family board I found and read the book Understanding the Borderline Mother.  This book was so on-target, the I finally had a description of my mom (and I believe a diagnosis although she has never had a formal diagnosis of this as far as I am aware). I've also read about NPD which fits my father well. And i've read about BPD and NPD couples which fits them both well. So, I am relieved to finally have this clarity. The thread on this board about the silent treatment has been powerful for me in that I've only read a page or two at a time, processing the info over several weeks.

"How are things going with your parents at the present time?" My parents live 1,500 miles away. I am NC with my father since he molested me between ages 6 - 8. I have minimal contact with my mom. I do trade letters with her and talk on the phone with her occasionally. Her Alzheimer's is getting worse so I have to write her multiple letters before I get a reply from her. Sometimes she talks about her mother (my grandmother) who died in the mid-1980's as if she were alive today. She's on a sad downhill slide I am afraid.
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kevmeister

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 6


« Reply #6 on: September 30, 2016, 05:13:22 PM »

Hi Naughty Nibbler,

"Sounds like you may have been the only recipient of it, is that right?  You may have been the one she split to "painted black"." I don't think I was the only recipient, but I don't know to what extent she did it. About 5 or so years back I wrote her a letter and asked her if she still gave the silent treatment to people. Her reply was "Yes, because it works!" So, I asked her if I could send her the book Ostracism to read. She said yes, so I sent it. Weeks later I asked her if she read it and she said that she stop because it made her sad and that the book said it was a bad thing to do to people. I am wanting to have a conversation with my brother about whether he was the recipient of some of mom's silent treatments when he was a child (my guess is yes) and what his reactions were to this. The timing of asking him is important. Sometimes he is all on my parents' side and will defend them "to the death" and other times he's angry at one or both of them. I would like to catch him in one of these latter mentioned moments to open up the discussion.

Thanks for your support on this, Naughty Nibbler, as I find it very helpful.
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kevmeister

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 6


« Reply #7 on: September 30, 2016, 05:30:31 PM »

Hello Fie,

Thanks for the words of encouragement.

"You must have felt terrible about those silent treatments." Yes, these were very crushing blows to me. At around 10 - 11 years old I began to withdraw from my friends, family and neighbors. My dad had molested me between ages 6 and 8, so I had already written him off as a parent. I remember having a conversation with my self saying that if I just have one good parent (mom) I'll be Okay. I don't need him. As long as mom is Okay, I'll be Okay. This was helpful until the age of 10 when my mom started in with the silent treatments and that rocked my world. I felt so worthless and sad. I didn't want anyone to find out how dysfunctional my parents were so I withdrew and I stopped bringing my friends home. I prayed to God to save me from this. I prayed for a Good Samaritan to come and save the day. I was hoping that a neighbor, teacher or pastor would see what was going on and step in and try to fix things. But no one came. I was also so ashamed and afraid to talk about this with anyone, that I just kept silent. I tried to tough it out. I knew I had 8 years of this to endure (until I was an adult by law) and could get a job, car, my own place and get away from them. And that 8 years seemed so far away.

Anyway, I'm glad that I survived, got years of group and individual therapy, lot's of reading, and have disclosed some of what I've written here to a couple of close friends. I feel I still need to do more, disclose more. That saying "You're only as sick as your secrets" I find to be very true. So, I'm working on that.

Thanks for listening, Fie, I appreciate it.
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Naughty Nibbler
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Posts: 1727



« Reply #8 on: September 30, 2016, 06:25:12 PM »

Kevmeister:   

. . .I wrote her a letter and asked her if she still gave the silent treatment to people. Her reply was "Yes, because it works!" So, I asked her if I could send her the book Ostracism to read. She said yes, so I sent it. Weeks later I asked her if she read it and she said that she stop because it made her sad and that the book said it was a bad thing to do to people. I am wanting to have a conversation with my brother about whether he was the recipient of some of mom's silent treatments when he was a child (my guess is yes) and what his reactions were to this. The timing of asking him is important. Sometimes he is all on my parents' side and will defend them "to the death" and other times he's angry at one or both of them. I would like to catch him in one of these latter mentioned moments to open up the discussion.

It sounds like a wise approach to have a strategic conversation with your brother, when he seems receptive.

I'm so very sorry that you were molested by your dad.  Do you know if your brother had any similar experiences?  Any thoughts regarding your brother's times of defending your parents, versus being angry with them?  Do you think that your brother may have inherited some BPD traits?

I'm glad you have some good friends to talk to and that therapy has been helpful.  Your plan to remain vocal and share sounds like a healthy plan.  You will find a lot of supportive people here.

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kevmeister

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 6


« Reply #9 on: October 01, 2016, 05:14:56 PM »

Naughty Nibbler:

“I'm so very sorry that you were molested by your dad.  Do you know if your brother had any similar experiences?  Any thoughts regarding your brother's times of defending your parents, versus being angry with them?  Do you think that your brother may have inherited some BPD traits?”

I asked my brother and he says he was never molested by our dad. However, he says he was molested by our grade school principal (along with 8 other boys who are now men who came forward in the 1980’s). The principal committed suicide over the ordeal as it was playing out in the local news and as more men came forward. My brother wasn’t one of the men who came forward since we had moved some years earlier from this place and only heard about it a couple of years after the news broke.
As for my brother defending or being angry at my mom, I will just look for an opening when the time is right. And, yes, my brother did inherit some BPD traits. He doesn’t believe in psychology or therapy, prefers science fiction over science and when under stress will dive into fantasy land, so yes, this is another challenge.

Thanks once again for listening. Yes, I think this board will be of great service to me. And I hope by sharing and commenting I will be able to help others as well.
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Naughty Nibbler
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« Reply #10 on: October 04, 2016, 10:13:37 PM »


Hey Kevmeister: 

Quote from:  kevmeister
As for my brother. . . He doesn’t believe in psychology or therapy, prefers science fiction over science and when under stress will dive into fantasy land, so yes, this is another challenge.

It seems to be a common theme that people with BPD or those who seem to have some strong BPD traits refuse to get counseling.  Let us know how things go, after you find the right time to talk to your brother. 

Do you think your brother has any unresolved issues regarding his molestation?  How did your brother react when you asked him whether your father molested him?  Did he accept that you were molested by your dad, or did he try to not accept your account?

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cherisw

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
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« Reply #11 on: October 05, 2016, 02:31:14 AM »

You have helped me.  Reading your posts, I realize that right up until today, I use the silent treatment.  Way too much.  I guess because it feels like my only defense.  It started as a little child with an abusive father and a mother who couldn't defend herself or the kids.  My other siblings tried to go up against him or otherwise act out, but they always got smacked down big time.  I was the "perfect" child who escaped a lot of the mayhem by being the A student etc.  But I did figure out that I could hurt both parents by being silent, sad, withholding.  I was so angry at my mom for not stopping this mess and not defending us.  Lesson:  Do not be rugmats.  Your kids will find it hard to forgive you.  But perhaps, more importantly, your post made me start to recognize why this is my GoTo defense to this day: it seemed to have some power to work over my dad.  I'm now pretty sure that he was NPD.  He sure created havoc in his lifetime, while going through 3 divorces from all nice ladies, giving his parents much grief, and having unhappy to toxic relationships with all 5 of us kids.  By the end of his life, at 84, I was the only one who was caring for him.  That was because he had treated everone else worse than me, and they quit.  Even as an adult, I gave him "the silent treatment" for months at a time, but in some ways it worked.  Your post made me realize that this is a powerful defense, maybe even a life-saving defense at times, but it is not the appropriate response to conflict in my adult life now.
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Fie
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« Reply #12 on: October 05, 2016, 11:21:12 AM »

To Kevmeister and all of you :

Excerpt
And I hope by sharing and commenting I will be able to help others as well.

Reading the thread of Cherisw makes me realize Kevmeister has already made a difference to somebody's life. And that makes me have a really warm feeling inside.

I am so happy that all of you care. Thank you, and hugs to all of you   
You are all making a difference.
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