Re: Does anybody here understand love?

[Think About It...]

I finally have the time to get back to this.

Ive been thinking about this topic a lot lately.  I think I was wrong in the first paragraph of my original post.  I dont think I understand love when I feel it for someone else.  I understood love to be complete self-sacrifice.  Thats my fathers idea of love.  Nothing for him, everything for her.  I didnt want to be my crazy mother, so I guess I decided to be my self-sacrificing father.  But that doesnt work out because Im not the saint my father is.  I end up wanting something in return.  And frankly, no one but an emotionally ill person wants a complete nothing as a mate.  Its not a good way to attract a healthy partner.  So I guess I dont understand giving or receiving love in an adult relationship.  That leaves me even further behind than I thought I was.

The idea of having someone love me as I am is very appealing to me, but it seems impossible.  Im used to being evaluated and dismissed.  Im sure I attract people who are as crippled as I am in terms of loving relationships, and thats got to be part of the problem.  I do think that we are entitled to some things in relationships, and love goes beyond those things.  I sort of understand that, but Im not so sure how it plays out in life.  Ive been fooled by little things that seemed to indicate deeper emotions, but didnt.

I need to work on separating my self-esteem from my relationships.  I have to try to remember that other peoples perceptions of me are only opinions, not confirmation of my worthlessness.  (That is really hard to do.)

A therapist told me once that I try to repair the damage done to me in childhood through adult relationships, and thats not possible.  Adult relationships are not meant to fix what got broken in childhood.  That makes a lot of sense, but what happens when youre still walking around with gaping wounds in your psyche that your mother inflicted years ago?  Ive done a lot of healing over the years, but close relationships just reopen those old wounds.  Its not a conscious process, its like my gut just responds to the emotion and its hell to try to force my mind to override it.

I cant even find a therapist to help me with this anymore.  They all want to do the superficial band-aid approach.  If that were all I needed, the self-help books Ive read would do the trick. 

Rambling on here I guess.   Thank you for the thoughtful replies.  And thank you, Tea, for the kind words.

[whatever23]

I finally have the time to get back to this.

Ive been thinking about this topic a lot lately.  I think I was wrong in the first paragraph of my original post.  I dont think I understand love when I feel it for someone else.  I understood love to be complete self-sacrifice.  Thats my fathers idea of love.  Nothing for him, everything for her.  I didnt want to be my crazy mother, so I guess I decided to be my self-sacrificing father.  But that doesnt work out because Im not the saint my father is.  I end up wanting something in return.  And frankly, no one but an emotionally ill person wants a complete nothing as a mate.  Its not a good way to attract a healthy partner.  So I guess I dont understand giving or receiving love in an adult relationship.  That leaves me even further behind than I thought I was.

The idea of having someone love me as I am is very appealing to me, but it seems impossible.  Im used to being evaluated and dismissed.  Im sure I attract people who are as crippled as I am in terms of loving relationships, and thats got to be part of the problem.  I do think that we are entitled to some things in relationships, and love goes beyond those things.  I sort of understand that, but Im not so sure how it plays out in life.  Ive been fooled by little things that seemed to indicate deeper emotions, but didnt.

I need to work on separating my self-esteem from my relationships.  I have to try to remember that other peoples perceptions of me are only opinions, not confirmation of my worthlessness.  (That is really hard to do.)

A therapist told me once that I try to repair the damage done to me in childhood through adult relationships, and thats not possible.  Adult relationships are not meant to fix what got broken in childhood.  That makes a lot of sense, but what happens when youre still walking around with gaping wounds in your psyche that your mother inflicted years ago?  Ive done a lot of healing over the years, but close relationships just reopen those old wounds.  Its not a conscious process, its like my gut just responds to the emotion and its hell to try to force my mind to override it.

I cant even find a therapist to help me with this anymore.  They all want to do the superficial band-aid approach.  If that were all I needed, the self-help books Ive read would do the trick. 

Rambling on here I guess.   Thank you for the thoughtful replies.  And thank you, Tea, for the kind words.

[sspsh]

The idea of having someone love me as I am is very appealing to me, but it seems impossible.?  

My thought is that if it is impossible then so be it. But I am not settling for someone who can't accept me for who I am. One go around on the crummy ride was enough.

Good luck with working on your issues. I think that recognition of the issues is the first step towards getting rid of them. At least I hope so or otherwise I am doomed. 

sspsh

[JR]

Does anybody here understand love?
...I dont understand it when Im (supposedly) receiving it.

Anybody else struggle with this?  
WTH does love between adults mean anyway?

Dear OverIt,
I think every soul on this planet struggles with 'what is Love?'. [And I totally agree - of course how we perceive this thing will be influenced by our 'Wonder Years', y'know?]

I think we struggle because Love is a feeling, a journey, and... imho, can't really be defined succinctly or generically. It's kind of nebulous, 'cause what we feel as love as an 18 yr old will most certainly change somehow by the time we're 69. (My mom just got re-married. )

In addition to that romantic spark we all know and get giddy over, maybe if one substitutes certain words for Love - like 'respect' and/or 'appreciate', for instance - it might help?

"This person respects [appreciates, etc.] me (and my thoughts, my experiences, my feelings)."

or

"This person fosters my feelings of worthiness [safety, individuality, etc.]."
("And all they want in return is that I show them the same.")


Sidebar: When my now-husband and I were dating, he did a lot of those things gary mentioned... he saw I was missing a wheel cover on my car and picked one up, he took care of me when I was down with the flu (fever, throwing up... not a pretty sight :P), he seemed to listen to me -- things I had not experienced with a S/O before then, so it sorta felt like 'love' to me.

But, I also had 'learned' enough in years before then to not trust very well. How did I know that he wasn't doing those things to make himself feel more important? Did he think I couldn't take care of myself? Maybe he was doing those things to 'control' me?
These were possibilities/realities I 'learned' from my bio-father and step-dad.

Time marches on, and I learn/ed more about MyGuy, what motivates him, and what he interprets as love - and so I learn more about myself as well. It's not all good*, and I'm certainly no expert, but... I think Love between two adults is an extended lesson in mutual compromise, a learning experience that has a factor of a certain level of commitment... It's an evolution, at least for me.

*If you want examples of 'what Love is Not', I have plenty of those, too... :

~ jr

[whatever23]

Thank you.  That makes me feel more normal.  Sometimes I think everyone else has this stuff figured out, while I'm running around hopelessly ignorant.  I like the idea of substituting a word I do understand for the word "love".  That might help me think about things more rationally.

I used to have a boyfriend who did lots of little things for me.  After my childhood, it felt like heaven.  No one had ever expressed concern for me the way he did.  He turned out to be a narcissist who did those things for lots of people so everyone would tell him how great he is.  It fed his ego.  He wasn't capable of a real relationship.  Terribly confusing.

sspsh, sometimes I think it's just impossible and I need to just accept it.  I suppose it's not the end of the world.  It's just that this culture is so in love with the idea of love, it makes me feel kind of freakish to give up on it.

[inbetween worlds]

Anybody else struggle with this? 
WTH does love between adults mean anyway?

Hi Overit

Thought provoking question.

Love...a mysterious, timeless, unexplainable, all-caring bond. A connection with another that words seem useless in describing.

I do like love as a verb, like Gary, the simple, caring surprises. It adds sparkle to love.

I would only add one for thing, a statement, which I wear on my ring, and as helped me throughout this last yr... Harm None.

It's just that this culture is so in love with the idea of love, it makes me feel kind of freakish to give up on it.

Stay with your quest for love. As I tell my grandchildren...The strongest forces in the universe are, love, light and truth.

May your journey be blessed with all three.

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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT The objective of this board is to learn and apply healthy emotional practices to the rebuilding of our love life. This board is about the discipline and strength of making those hard choices in life for good sustained emotional health. It is about not repeating the problems of the past; it is about understanding the wounds and baggage we carry forward, it is about healthy and practical ways to build new relationships. Click on "more information" for access to the lessons.