dipping my toes in the shallow end

[Think About It...]

I live in a no fault divorce state.  It's been over a year since my UBPDSTBX filed.  And I'm now cautiously dipping my feet back into the dating pool.  It's been over ten years since I've dated anyone other than my wife, and I'm proceeding very very cautiously.  But in the last month, I've learned some things that I forgot at some point during my relationship and marriage with my STBX:
(1)  I am attractive.
(2)  I am, objectively speaking, a "good catch."
(3)  There are actually quite a few women out there who are genuinely nice and will do or say things because they want you to feel happy.
(4)  I can tell a woman I'm busy, reschedule a date, apologize, and even tell her I want to move the relationship forward slowly without the woman thinking I hate her and getting all pissy.
When I mentioned to my therapist that I was meeting a woman for drinks (my first post-divorce "date", if you will), he went on for about five minutes about how I should be careful, I was still very vulnerable, etc. etc.  Then he looked me in the eye with a big grin and said, "Now all that said ... you really should go out and have a great time!"
Amen, brother.

[shagbark]

I live in a no fault divorce state.  It's been over a year since my UBPDSTBX filed.  And I'm now cautiously dipping my feet back into the dating pool.  It's been over ten years since I've dated anyone other than my wife, and I'm proceeding very very cautiously.  But in the last month, I've learned some things that I forgot at some point during my relationship and marriage with my STBX:
(1)  I am attractive.
(2)  I am, objectively speaking, a "good catch."
(3)  There are actually quite a few women out there who are genuinely nice and will do or say things because they want you to feel happy.
(4)  I can tell a woman I'm busy, reschedule a date, apologize, and even tell her I want to move the relationship forward slowly without the woman thinking I hate her and getting all pissy.
When I mentioned to my therapist that I was meeting a woman for drinks (my first post-divorce "date", if you will), he went on for about five minutes about how I should be careful, I was still very vulnerable, etc. etc.  Then he looked me in the eye with a big grin and said, "Now all that said ... you really should go out and have a great time!"
Amen, brother.

[bendelsmom]

Shag,  Good for you to be ready to risk relating to the opposite sex again.  I can relate to you discovering things about yourself that you lost accurate perspective of. I've found it to be an amazing means of discovery and getting an even better perspective that my marital 'relationship' was worse then it seemed in it and it wasn't much about relating to each other but more stbxh's psychodramas of his mind.  I've discovered I have alot of conditioning to rid myself of after years of being inappropriately reacted to and not responded to for what I was really saying, communicating and doing.

Heh, heh, , even emailing people and this board, in which people actually respond to what I've communicated instead of some off the wall distorted interpretation was quite a revelation to me!  There was so much hostility with the ex speaking in accusations of the extremes of his mind and insisting extremes which added up to almost 100% ongoing rejection of me.

Have fun and be safe!

[ldrider]

Shag - good for you, go out and enjoy yourself. I learned the same thing when I started dating. I had no idea a relationship with a normal woman could be so nice. I wish I had left exw a long time ago. By the way, the relationship was so nice I married her.

Some notes of warning from my own experience. My kids are adults and I made sure to tell them I was dating, so they wouldn't find out from exw if she were ever to find out. When my exw did find out I was dating, still the middle of the divorce, she went ballistic. She sent her atty after me for all kinds of crap. I had my atty set boundaries and push back on everything that came from this. My atty advised me to just give her what she wanted to get past these issues. I refused and told my atty why I needed to set boundary and enforce it.

Then the smear campagn started. Exw would tell anyone that would listen how she was a victim and I was cheating on her with another woman, that's why I left the marriage. A BPD can never accept any responsibility for the divorce. My kids never believed her because I had told them when I started dating. I never fought back or said anything bad about my exw. Eventually all the truth became known.

Watch your back. Best of luck out there in the real world with normal people.

ldrider

[JoannaK]

lrider, my exh also told people that I left him for another man... because I started dating during the estrangement and separation.  He never bothered to tell anyone about the Daddy/daughter websites, the posting on a kinky sex site looking for a man for fun and games, or the girlfriend that he spent all of his time with starting almost the day he moved out.  All of these things predated my "dating".  I just kept on keeping on, and ignored all of his accusations... and I avoided the people that he was talking to. 

It was hard to ignore, but I did it... we all can do it.  It just takes time.

[TeaAmongRoses]

Congrats shagbark!
Sounds great.
Tea

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT The objective of this board is to learn and apply healthy emotional practices to the rebuilding of our love life. This board is about the discipline and strength of making those hard choices in life for good sustained emotional health. It is about not repeating the problems of the past; it is about understanding the wounds and baggage we carry forward, it is about healthy and practical ways to build new relationships. Click on "more information" for access to the lessons.