Truth & Consequences

[Think About It...]

My BPD spouse is volatile, to say the least, in any kind of stressful situation. He also figures it is okay to be nasty to me when things get unpleasant at work.?  Slights, mostly imagined, are a particular irritant. He goes for maybe a year or so being fairly reasonable but now is in a downward spiral.

I recently placed my 80 year old Alzheimer's mother in assisted living and am in the process of having her home prepared for sale. I am entirely in charge of this and he doesn't like it one bit. A question came up with the realtor yesterday and I consulted him, a big?  mistake. His reaction was to order me to de-list the place, forbid any expenditures, ad nauseum. When I told him he was being unreasonable, the anger was palpable even though we are, at the moment, three thousand miles apart. Later I called and told him he had to get a grip on himself to which he replied that I was blaming everything on him. WHen he started?  yelling, I told him to call l me back when he is feeeling better. It could be days. One one hand, I am happy to have stood up for myself and know that even if he is mad for weeks (it's happened) he will get over. On the other, there are things I need to discuss with him and can't because contacting him again seems self-defeating. After over forty years of marriage, walking out doesn't seem to be the answer.

[Dicey]

My BPD spouse is volatile, to say the least, in any kind of stressful situation. He also figures it is okay to be nasty to me when things get unpleasant at work.?  Slights, mostly imagined, are a particular irritant. He goes for maybe a year or so being fairly reasonable but now is in a downward spiral.

I recently placed my 80 year old Alzheimer's mother in assisted living and am in the process of having her home prepared for sale. I am entirely in charge of this and he doesn't like it one bit. A question came up with the realtor yesterday and I consulted him, a big?  mistake. His reaction was to order me to de-list the place, forbid any expenditures, ad nauseum. When I told him he was being unreasonable, the anger was palpable even though we are, at the moment, three thousand miles apart. Later I called and told him he had to get a grip on himself to which he replied that I was blaming everything on him. WHen he started?  yelling, I told him to call l me back when he is feeeling better. It could be days. One one hand, I am happy to have stood up for myself and know that even if he is mad for weeks (it's happened) he will get over. On the other, there are things I need to discuss with him and can't because contacting him again seems self-defeating. After over forty years of marriage, walking out doesn't seem to be the answer.

[mark]

sorry to hear that your husband is so volatile.  you seem so used to his patterns of being angry and then being "fairly reasonable," that i can't help but wonder why needing to talk to him about some things is now causing you to come to BPDFamily. -- ?

[Dicey]

Well, I guess I have done some growing up with lots of help from friends and therapist and am realizing how much I have missed. Feeling sorry for myself for self-inflicted misery, I guess. Nasty job but someone has to do it.

[mark]

did the "growing up" your friends and therapist helped you with have to do with understanding borderline personality disorder?

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Dicey]

Yes, it did help me understand. I had no idea this was not normal behavior and that he was not just a difficult person. To think it actually has a NAME! I also realized that he is emotionally abusive and I have been his chief victim. Believe me, he is not a happy camper having been told he was out of line. 63 is a hard age to be told to bugger off.

[CasaG]

Congrats to you for setting boundaries -- even if it is tough on him!  I was married for almost 20 years before I figured out that my H wasn't just "difficult".  And by the way, I get told how to "do things correctly" as well.   

[Nightshade]

Hey, wow -- I get this, too.  We're in the process of putting my father in assisted living and selling the house etc.  My husband wants the money.  Nevermind that it's not his, he wants it.  He's very crabby about it.  I've set the limits and enforced them rather fiercely, but it doesn't stop him from throwing diaper fits in the living room (well, until I walk out, that is). 

For me, it's that my husband is just realizing how screwed up he is.  He's in therapy (for real) and taking his meds and he's having to face that none of this stuff is "helping".  But he's doing it kicking and screaming, as it were, one thing at a time.  God it's awful to watch.  After merely 13 years, walking out still doesn't seem like the answer, but it sounds dang close when I hear him getting crabby with my father (though Dad can stand up for himself, so at least there's that).

[Dicey]

Must say that my bph isn't in it for her money. There isn't much and he is a pretty ethical person in that regard. Problem with him is that I have the POA and he can't do a danged thing. I had a dandy time telling him I wouldn't consult him anymore. NC is the byword here.

13 years is not the committment of 40. It's not too late for you.

[Nightshade]

No, it's not that it's too late, it's that after about 12 years, a bad thing happened that "stole" the "false self" he'd been using to compensate and all his BPD glory came out in full force, coupled with acceptance of his BPDness and therapy and real effort.  It just seems that after 13 years with someone, you don't just wander off because they've suddenly lost their mind when they're frantically looking for it, without at least giving it a chance.  He's kind of in an odd situation for most BP's, since he's actually trying (well, very trying sometimes, actually -- pun intended).

I'm glad you got a good time out of putting yours back where he belongs, though.  That is a joy! 

[3grands]

   Finally, I see someone out there who has been married longer than I have! Can't write much now because he's home and keeps walking in here.  :P

  My 91 yr old mother has been living with us for two years...she's not much care but just can't be left alone because she's so frail. He has turned into a monster for the past year...he, too, used to "lose it" only once or twice a year. He's verbally abusive and has said such horrible things in the past year I'm not even sure I want to stay with him after my Mom either goes to a nursing home or dies.

    I'm in counseling (have only gone twice but she's been extremely helpful to me.) I'm also in a 12 step program that helps a lot. I told my H yesterday that I was going to counseling and asked him WHY he said such horrible things to me. Of course he had no answer. If he doesn't finally hit bottom and go get some kind of help I will NOT stay even though it will be a mess after 35 years to say the least.

     Good luck with your mother. I don't feel so alone now that i know someone else is there that is has been in a really long marriage too.
                                                Judy
   

[Dicey]

I am finding out that when he gets really wound up it is often efffective to telll him he isout of line. It invariably takes him by surprise and he flies level for a time.

What kind of 12 step program did you get into?

I guess when we stood there in front of God, our friends and family and promised to love him and take care of him as long as we lived, we meant it.

[3grands]

  I go to al -anon...he acts like an alcoholic even though he doesn't drink!

[Dicey]

My mother went to al-anon for years and found it very helpful.