Weak Moments

[Think About It...]

Goochie:

DO NOT contact him for his birthday.  I did this with my EXBf thinking the same way, how cruel if I don't acknowledge his birthday, he started off nice thanking me for calling and then within minutes he was making hurtful and vindictive comments, telling me how he was going to spend his birthday and how wonderful it was going to be doing what he wanted to do WITHOUT me.  I regret to this day I called -- he wasn't worth the time and effort. 

They do not think like we do, and what got us into relationships with BP's, our caring and understanding natures, is what they don't understand, because it's all about them.  He took my phone call as another opportunity to hurt me with his vile words and project his unhappiness onto me.

Please, please, please, do not contact him.  You are only setting yourself up to be hurt.

Been there, done that.  Won't do it again.

[dwiz]

Goochie:

DO NOT contact him for his birthday.  I did this with my EXBf thinking the same way, how cruel if I don't acknowledge his birthday, he started off nice thanking me for calling and then within minutes he was making hurtful and vindictive comments, telling me how he was going to spend his birthday and how wonderful it was going to be doing what he wanted to do WITHOUT me.  I regret to this day I called -- he wasn't worth the time and effort. 

They do not think like we do, and what got us into relationships with BP's, our caring and understanding natures, is what they don't understand, because it's all about them.  He took my phone call as another opportunity to hurt me with his vile words and project his unhappiness onto me.

Please, please, please, do not contact him.  You are only setting yourself up to be hurt.

Been there, done that.  Won't do it again.

[Skippy]

Be careful sweetie.  It will likely open you up to more of what brought you to BPDFamily.   

He is accomplished at reading and manipulating your emotions (good and bad)... that is why you are here. 

What can you say in a card or as you hand him a little something that doesn't expose you to this manipulation?  No matter how cleverly you try to conceal or shield your feeling, they will be there in plain site (and you might even be surprised what is there) and he will he will be able to reach right into your soul... what he will do with it will be his choice.

You asked for suggestions, here are two you might want to consider:

1) Maybe you could invest that money you would have spent for a gift and take the day off.  Just don't tell anyone in the office why. Not being there is very hard for him to read.

2) You could (in addition) send him an e-mail birthday card with no personal message - just the standard acknowledgement of who the sender is.  This might calm your "normal" desire to be "humane" to someone you have spent a considerable amount of time with. 

I understand your feelings.  You don't want to do the hurtful things he does...

Let me know what you think of these thoughts.  It will be helpful to read your perspective as I am facing much of the same issues.

[Monty]

Dear Goochie and anyone else thinking it might be okay to contact your ex,

I believe that there is not one single thing you could do that would be more detrimental to your recovery. Trust me. I know how hard it is. If you allow contact, though, the pain, confusion, and loneliness you are feeling now, will escalate to a level you cannot even begin to comprehend. In looking back, I do not regret at all, in spite of the immense pain I had to endure as a consequence, meeting and falling in love with my BPDGF. I was naive, trusting, and open back then. What I do regret more than anything, however, is speaking with her after we broke up, when being naive was no longer an excuse. I knew better and I regret it more than anything Ive ever done.

I listened to the folks here at BPDFamily and never contacted her. But, I didnt listen to them with regard to letting her contact me. In one single conversation, she sucked any residual pride, dignity, and self respect right out of me. I didnt think I could sink any lower but, through that contact, I did.

Do whatever you have to do to have zero contact with your ex-partners. You do not yet understand the severity of the disorder they suffer from. If you are the type of person who has to be burned before you understand that a fire is hot, then proceed with your contact. Be warned, though, it will be a catastrophic error.

Wishing you all the very best in dealing with what you are going through. My heart goes out to all of you,

Monty

[johnny_alpha99]

Deliza - you know what I think on the matter ... let's just get your stuff back and cast off this particular piece of life's driftwood once and for all.

And don't change a heartbeat - it's not about that - it's all about you blooming once more from this ghastly weed that's coming back ...

For one day all of THIS will just be viewed as a period of months - I assure you :-)

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[deliza]

Yes, my dear Johnny - time to get going with this wonderful element called LIFE! 

d

[mark]

goochiegirl --

"i would like to acknowledge his birthday somehow, but i'm afraid to."

that speaks volumes about relationships with BPDs.