Does your BP Ask You Questions They Already Know The Answer To?

[Think About It...]

Hi all,
   For years my Momster has played a game with me where
she asks me if I want to do something or if there is something she can do for me, and she knows ahead of time that the answer is no.  Years ago, she  dated a guy who was abusive to both of us.  He sexually abused me, but I didn't tell her that until a few years ago. Still, she knew that I hated being around him, and that he was verbally abusive to me in her presence.  She would always say, "A-hole and I are going to the baseball game, or the movies etc.. do you want to go?"  I would always say no, and then she would say "well, don't say I don't try to include you."  ARGH.  Last night, I was telling her about some roadbumps I am hitting with my Master's thesis. She knows nothing about my field of study,  her computer
doesn't work, and we live in different cities.  All of a sudden
she says "can I help you with it, is there anything I can do
to help you get it done"  And I said..."uh, no?"  Honestly,
I wasn't sure what to say back- how can she help me with something she knows absolutely nothing about? Maybe I am being ungrateful, but I feel like it was another "don't say I don't offer you any help" moment.  Do your BP people do this too?  And, I really want to know if you think I am being ungrateful.  I have just become so used to seeing everything she does as self-serving that I may be missing honest attempts at offering me
help.  Sorry for the long rant!
   Miss Scarlett
 

[missscarlett]

Hi all,
   For years my Momster has played a game with me where
she asks me if I want to do something or if there is something she can do for me, and she knows ahead of time that the answer is no.  Years ago, she  dated a guy who was abusive to both of us.  He sexually abused me, but I didn't tell her that until a few years ago. Still, she knew that I hated being around him, and that he was verbally abusive to me in her presence.  She would always say, "A-hole and I are going to the baseball game, or the movies etc.. do you want to go?"  I would always say no, and then she would say "well, don't say I don't try to include you."  ARGH.  Last night, I was telling her about some roadbumps I am hitting with my Master's thesis. She knows nothing about my field of study,  her computer
doesn't work, and we live in different cities.  All of a sudden
she says "can I help you with it, is there anything I can do
to help you get it done"  And I said..."uh, no?"  Honestly,
I wasn't sure what to say back- how can she help me with something she knows absolutely nothing about? Maybe I am being ungrateful, but I feel like it was another "don't say I don't offer you any help" moment.  Do your BP people do this too?  And, I really want to know if you think I am being ungrateful.  I have just become so used to seeing everything she does as self-serving that I may be missing honest attempts at offering me
help.  Sorry for the long rant!
   Miss Scarlett
 

[Sapphire]

My exUBPDbf used to play that "game" with me too. He would always say something like, "If you need anything, give me a holler", or "You know where I am if you need me", sh*t like that. But then he would turn around and be "mysteriously unavailable" (i.e. like not answering his phone and then saying he "didn't hear it ring", etc.), or if he did answer, I would get an excuse as to why he couldn't do whatever (like, "I have to pick up my daughter from school", or "My truck is acting up", or "I'm not feeling good", blah, blah, blah). Then, a day or two later, he would play the "I'm sorry" game: "I'm sorry I couldn't do (whatever) for you, BUT"..."I promise, I'll make it up to you". Which, of course, he never did. There was always an excuse, or always a reason, as to why he would always say no to me. But, if HE wanted something, and you dared say no to him, he would practically pout like a little kid, thereby manipulating you into giving in, b/c if you didn't, you would have to suffer the consequences. He COULD be good-hearted and helpful if he wanted to be, but only when it benifitted HIM, or if he could gain something from it. Otherwise, there was always an "excuse... ;==

I never once saw him do anything for anybody unless he had something to gain from it. He really was a selfish person...he even admitted it, more than once. He would say, "I know I'm being selfish, BUT..."

There was one time I was so broke I had to eat Ramen noodles for a month, and he didn't even offer to help me out; even though he was making good money, and he was living with his brother. He just said, "Oh, I'm so sorry that you're in a bind, but I can't help you out; I had to get another computer b/c my old one crashed". The next day his brother invited me over for dinner so I could have a decent meal, and when I showed up, the ex feigned being sick and said I should go home "b/c he didn't want me to catch it". I later found out he didn't want me there b/c he had invited another woman. Another time, I lost my power b/c of storms in the area, and it got down in the 40's after the storm-front blew through. I had no heat, and needless to say, I was freezing my a$$ off. I called him and told him I had no heat, and asked if I could stay overnight. You know what he said? "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, but you can't stay here. Me & my brother are fighting, and I don't want you to get in the middle of it". What a nice guy, huh? And, of course, I got the "I'm sorry, BUT" speech afterwards...

When I think back on some of this stuff, it really makes me wonder just what the hell I was thinking for ever putting up with his BS for as long as I did... ? ;== :

Temporary insanity, I guess..

Thanks, MissScarlett, for reminding me of yet ANOTHER reason why I'm grateful to be out of Oz...

~SD~

[livingw/ochaos]

I've always chalked this type of behavior up to their trying to mimick normalacy.

My BPD inlaw family (as well as my BPD H) do this sort of thing often.  It comes across as so superficial.  It strikes you as odd, because it is odd.  I mean a normal person in your mother's position regarding your thesis would say, "I wish there was something I could do to help you".  But your mother probably isn't processing things (so she hasn't processed how she doesn't have the ability to help you).  She's simply knee jerk reacting in a way she hopes comes across as normal . . . because it's about image, not substance.

It's so out of touch.  When they say things like "Drive safely" in their shrill, weird voices when your walking not driving . . . or . . ."I'm always in your corner" after they've literally knocked the wind out of you. . . 

All an act . . . trying to seem normal.

Get's down right creepy when they're saying things like, "Would ya like to see the ballgame with your sexual abuser?  Huh . . . well, would ya!  It'll be fun, don't ya think? Huh?" wink, wink . . .weird . . . weird.

All you can think is WTH?

[missscarlett]

Livinginchaos, that is just AWESOME insight  I never even thought
about the lack of processing stuff.  Now that I am thinking about it, I understand why she fails to execute a lot of things in a logical and
well thought out manner.    And, WTH would be a great
title for a book for Non's looking to understand BPD, don't you think?
   Miss Scarlett

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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)