Anyone ever try a "Break"

[Think About It...]

I'm looking for any insight or experience with the idea of taking a break from the relationship with the BPSO.

 I do love my BF so very much but he has really destroyed my trust in him and I'm having a hard time remembering all the good that goes with him too.  My heart is just really broken right now.

This does not mean I never want to speak to him again or even necessarily leave this relationship for good.  The roller coaster is starting to make me sick, but that doesn't mean I am never willing to ride again.  I just want to step back.  Let my head rest for awhile and decide what it is I am really feeling.  I know he is trying..I know he does not want this for his life anymore..I also believe he does love me, in his own twisted way.  But I also know I, personally have so much on my plate..so much to think and do..I think I got to a place where I forgot that I am NOT borderline.

With that said,  I also know he will probably take a suggestion like that as, "I hate you.  I'm leaving forever...etc..etc...etc.."  Is there a way for a break to work?  To counteract the BP reaction?  To somehow let him know that I do love him and will support him, but I need to get away for a bit.  He is just so pushy on "things need to be normal".  They aren't HE betrayed me, BIG!  Any and all trust is GONE and I've got to figure out what I want to do from here.  How do I do that without him going into a tailspin and just betraying me more..pushing things to a place of no return regardless of what I might decide?  Any ideas?

[lizzy0317]

I'm looking for any insight or experience with the idea of taking a break from the relationship with the BPSO.

 I do love my BF so very much but he has really destroyed my trust in him and I'm having a hard time remembering all the good that goes with him too.  My heart is just really broken right now.

This does not mean I never want to speak to him again or even necessarily leave this relationship for good.  The roller coaster is starting to make me sick, but that doesn't mean I am never willing to ride again.  I just want to step back.  Let my head rest for awhile and decide what it is I am really feeling.  I know he is trying..I know he does not want this for his life anymore..I also believe he does love me, in his own twisted way.  But I also know I, personally have so much on my plate..so much to think and do..I think I got to a place where I forgot that I am NOT borderline.

With that said,  I also know he will probably take a suggestion like that as, "I hate you.  I'm leaving forever...etc..etc...etc.."  Is there a way for a break to work?  To counteract the BP reaction?  To somehow let him know that I do love him and will support him, but I need to get away for a bit.  He is just so pushy on "things need to be normal".  They aren't HE betrayed me, BIG!  Any and all trust is GONE and I've got to figure out what I want to do from here.  How do I do that without him going into a tailspin and just betraying me more..pushing things to a place of no return regardless of what I might decide?  Any ideas?

[caggif]

Hi Lizzy,

By taking a break, do you mean going off away somewhere alone, or do you mean actually withdrawing from your relationship for a time?

I take many a break from H, sometimes its the only thing that keeps me sane.  I took 4 days out last week but I am lucky in that we live in England, and have another house in Wales, about 150 miles away.  Cell phones dont work, there's only half a dozen neighbours, if you disregard the sheep and cattle, and very few folk have the landline number down there.  Plus I own my company, and can arrange my work schedule accordingly (well sometimes ), and I have no children to consider. 

What I'm trying to say is that its easy for me to take myself out of it, go off on my own, and consider no one else but me.  While I'm there, I eat what & when I like, sleep when I like, take a walk by the ocean, read what I want, watch what I want on TV.  I find it extremely therapeutic.  If you can find a way to do something along these lines,  then yes, a break can be extremely beneficial. 

I tell bpH that I'm going, and why and when I'll be back. How he chooses to react to that is up to him.  I dont worry about him or what he might do when I'm gone.  Otherwise there would really be no point.  If I go because things are getting too painful to stay, then I work thru my pain and I dont concern myself with his.

If on the other hand you mean withdrawing from the relationship by telling your bf that you want X amount of days/weeks/months where you dont see each other, but carry on with you own lives, then its an entirely different matter. 
Will he respect your wishes and keep away?
Will he not try to contact you? 
Will you want him to contact you even? 
Will you actually want to be re-engaged during this time for him to "prove" that he loves you?

I'm asking cos I've been there too.

Maybe a few days for you to think about what Lizzy wants may be a good place to start
Love
Caggi xx
 

[marnie]

My breaks occur, as right now, when H goes away on hunting trips up north. I will have a wonderful two weeks all alone. He even took his Lab with him this time.

Strangely enough, when he is gone like this, he morphs (in my mind) into the fellow he used to be, once upon a time. My brain pushes the Borderline behavior off to the side, and the Prince appears again.

Of course, when he returns, it doesn't take very long before BPD erupts, as he obsesses about mowing the lawn, all of his mail stacked up, bills he has to pay ... the anger mounts, and my dream Prince disappears again.

Since we are both retired, I no longer have my job as my escape, something that I now know kept me from realizing just how sick H was at times.

If you can get away, alone, it will help you acknowledge the constant tension we nons live under every minute of the day. I'm sure that, if H stayed away, I'd begin to face the facts more realistically ... where this idealizing of H comes from, I have no idea. But I DO miss the person he once appeared to be ...

marnie :-*

[been there]

   IMO, there is nothing wrong with taking a break, in order to get a clearer focus on what you want and need.

   Taking a break might give both of you a chance to reevaluate things, without any pressure.

   Do what you feel is right for you.

   Mark

[JoannaK]

lizzy, it seems to me that you want and need a break, but you are afraid that he won't accept it. 

What's your alternative?  If you don't take a break, will his behaviors continue to be out of line and will your frustration continue to escalate?  Are you talking about a weekend, a week, a month?

If you feel that you need a break and that you can't continue in your relationship without one, whether just a weekend away with friends or longer, you really have nothing to lose by telling him that you need time apart.  Other than reiterating that you love him and you care about him, and that your break doesn't mean the end of the relationship, you can't do anything to calm his internal demons.  I don't think there is anything you can do or say to prevent the kind of tailspin and rage that you fear.  But he may rage at the time, but he may still realize that you are right.  Perhaps he will realize that he must get his behavior in check to continue to have a relationship with you. 

But if the relationship can't continue as it is...what do you really have to lose?  You have a dream of what life can be like with this man, but the reality isn't very close to the dream now...so----what do you really have to lose?     

[DynaMosephine]

I so know what Caggi means when she says do you want to be re-engaged as proof of his love.  My husband is in the local hospital for mentally ill at the moment.  He is furious with me as I went out with my work colleagues while he was in hospital and despite being in hospital has been allowed to use his cell phone to send me the usual nasty texts.  I've turned it off so he can't get to me and turned off the answerphone etc. so he cannot get hold of me until he starts being civil and I am currently not contacting him, although I phone the hospital staff every day to check how he is.  I however, am mortified that he is not contacting me!  I cannot stop myself from wondering if now he is surrounded by other ill people whether he has met his soul mate and has no intention of speaking to me again.   This is obviously a problem of my own self-esteem and I think that's the answer to the original topic here... at the end of the day, what we should do is what WE NEED to do to stay sane and survive our partner's behaviour, and that might be a temporary break or a permanent split or whatever, but how we cope with our BP partners' response to it, will depend on how much we FEAR losing them.    I still have a very hard time understanding all the stuff I read about their fear of abandonment, when I know my own fear of abandonment is so terrible and I like to think that's not because I have BP too!

Good luck with whatever you decide and it's nice to hear from Caggi too!  Take me with you to your hideout next time please!
I got a new job with your encouragement and I love it.  I was actually well on the way to financial independence, until he went into hospital and I'm worried that now he has no income, he will drag me into debt with him.   Again may be my paranoia, but I wonder if that's why he did it.  I mean yes I could dump the dogs at an animal shelter and run, but legally while we're married his debts are mine so I guess they'd catch up with me eventually.  I don't have access to his account and he refuses to cancel the direct debits... any advice?  I would like to pay the mortgage and bills but can't afford all the other crap he pays for so if I pay my money into his account, it will go on that other stuff he refuses to cancel to.  The mortgage is in his name so neither they nor his bank will talk to me. 

love
Angie

[JoannaK]

lizzy, how are you?  Did you take a break...if not, how are things going? 

Please drop us an update...