Now he wants to be a cowboy...

[Think About It...]

Bpdh came to me yesterday and said he'd thought about how he needed to start making more money and this and that and said that he felt like he had finally worked out what he should do.  He started talking about how first he needs to build up his upper body strength and then I thought maybe he was thinking about construction.  But then he said he was wanting to get into bullriding.   :  He used to do it some YEARS back before I met him.  I don't know for how long he done it or how good he was since he has that knack for exaggerating things.

I just sat there and shook my head.  He got mad at me for not supporting him.  He asked me why I was so against it and I was just thinking "where do I start"?  I gave some reasons, and no, they were not delivered with tact so he got upset.

I mean, we are talking about a man in his thirties who is out of shape and has a chronic illness (ulcerative colitis - basically gets inflammation &  ulcers in his colon that upset his bowels) with a wife that works full time and a 3 year old.  AND THE BEST THING HE CAN COME UP WITH IS BULLRIDING?

I told him to just keep doing what he is doing (online gambling) since it is bringing in some money at least, though the amount varies.  He got angry about that he hates being cooped up inside on the computer and he ranted about that for a while.  So I turned to him and said "And you think I like being a working mother?  NO!  But we all have to deal with reality at some point, don't we?"  So he spat back "AND JUST WHAT THE HELL IS THAT MEANT TO MEAN?"

 

God, I can't wait 'til next year!  My tax return will be my ticket out of Oz.   :D

[Pennywise]

Bpdh came to me yesterday and said he'd thought about how he needed to start making more money and this and that and said that he felt like he had finally worked out what he should do.  He started talking about how first he needs to build up his upper body strength and then I thought maybe he was thinking about construction.  But then he said he was wanting to get into bullriding.   :  He used to do it some YEARS back before I met him.  I don't know for how long he done it or how good he was since he has that knack for exaggerating things.

I just sat there and shook my head.  He got mad at me for not supporting him.  He asked me why I was so against it and I was just thinking "where do I start"?  I gave some reasons, and no, they were not delivered with tact so he got upset.

I mean, we are talking about a man in his thirties who is out of shape and has a chronic illness (ulcerative colitis - basically gets inflammation &  ulcers in his colon that upset his bowels) with a wife that works full time and a 3 year old.  AND THE BEST THING HE CAN COME UP WITH IS BULLRIDING?

I told him to just keep doing what he is doing (online gambling) since it is bringing in some money at least, though the amount varies.  He got angry about that he hates being cooped up inside on the computer and he ranted about that for a while.  So I turned to him and said "And you think I like being a working mother?  NO!  But we all have to deal with reality at some point, don't we?"  So he spat back "AND JUST WHAT THE HELL IS THAT MEANT TO MEAN?"

 

God, I can't wait 'til next year!  My tax return will be my ticket out of Oz.   :D

[zenguy]

Makes wanting to be a fireman when he grows up kinda look good! 

Dr. Ric

[Pennywise]

"...when he grows up..."

Exactly.   

[dogon1955]

Wow justagirl, you got your hands on a winner. It sounds to me like you are the one "riding the bull", watch where you step. Maybe he meant rodeo CLOWN? He may have a talent for it, I sure am laughing. It is very sad, however,  for you and your child, which of course is not funny. I hope your tax refund is truly you and your child's ticket out of this rodeo...

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[MoGlo]

Does he have a clue what's really involved?  First tell him to go practice riding a mechanical bull several times a day every day for about a month and see how he feels about it at the end of the month.  Bull riders (everyone in any rodeo event) travel a circuit during the season, going from one arena to another for their chosen event  then driving/riding all night to get to the next stop in time to rest before the next event - the rodeos don't come to them. 

Then you might point out that bullriders PAY to ride those bulls on the chance that they will win against whoever the other riders and bulls are.  They don't always get money when they win - sometimes it's a nice big shiny belt buckle that's real useful in paying the bills. :

Oh, and has he taken a gander at those HORNS?  Or the sheer physical size and strength of a full grown bull? 

[aames]

Or -- and this is just a thought -- The next time he gets a wild hair up his bum about some off-the-wall career he'd like to persue -- try just sitting quietly and listening to his scheme.?  ? Then - very calmly - nod and smile,?  and tell him "That sounds like something you'd really enjoy, dear... I'd really like to see you persue something you care about...Tell me more"?  

Then sit back and let him dream out loud for a while.?  ?

One: This will help you to avoid a huge, pointless confrontation that you already know will only escalate your frustration -

and Two:?  If he's just baiting you in order to instigate, your show of support (not sarcasm) will preempt the fight he wants to have. ?  ?

You already know he won't follow through with
whatever the scheme is?  -?  or if he does - he is likely to or lose interest / focus fairly soon afterwords (Lack of object constancy, don't you know!) -?  Or, if he does persue it,?  he'll very likely come to the realization pretty quickly (on his own)?  that whatever it is he thinks he wants to do (this week) actually takes more talent, training, education, or?  dedication than he posesses.?  ?  

Worst case scenerio: If he does decide to go off?  and chase his dream -- well then he's gone -- which pretty much leaves you the perfect opening to get out yourself?  ? Just make sure you leave while he's away.

You're planning on leaving him anyway, Right? Why not use his pie-in-the-sky fantasies to your advantage, and make them part of your exit strategy?

 


?  ?  ?
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[zenguy]

Im really impressed with the rational responses from Mme. and aames. Both show a great deal of sensitivity and understanding. It always amazes me how caring and insightful the people on this board are. 

I can only imagine your frustration, remember, its you youll need to nurture first. If he wants to be a cowboy or an Indian, or whatever, sounds like it still gets under your skin. Whatever he wants is pretty irrelevant, considering his contribution to the familys wellbeing.

Perhaps you should just pack up his chaps, spurs and hat, and send him out to ride the bull of his dreams. Nothing like getting trampled by a borderline bull (they pick the disturbed bulls for this duty) to get you to take responsibility for your own life and actions. Na, probably would end up being your fault anyway, then youd just have to take care of him while he got the horn surgically removed from his butt!  :P

Dr. Ric

[Pennywise]

LMAO, zenguy.

I would tell him to go ahead but it's so stupid.  I know he thinks I'm the b!tch raining on his parade again, but, there's this little thing of reality that I exist in and whether he wants to or not, he has to exist in it, too.  You know?  It's just not feasible.  But he hasn't said anything more about it.  Now he's rambling on about getting back into stocks.  He just keeps flip-flopping from one half-baked idea to the next.

And it irritates me that he has these stupid half-baked ideas and then has the nerve to rage at me for poking holes in them.  For goodness sake, if he came to me with something realistic and thought-out I'd support him, but until then it isn't going to happen.

If I can just hold him into some form of reality until January I'll be fine.  Then I can sit him down and tell him "You know how you wanted to be a bullrider?  Well, now you will have all the darn time in the world for it because you no longer have a freakin' wife or child to rain on your parade.  Have fun."

[LarryK]

This is a serious illness.  It's a serious issue.  And I'm sorry as can be for laughing so darn hard at this I almost threw up.

A bullrider?

I want to be Luke Skywalker.

[Oy-vey!]

ROFLMAO!  Does anyone remember that Dr. Dementos album from the early 70s?  Had a song on it that started out "I want to be a cowboy.  That's what I want to be..."  That's all I could hear when I read about his life's goals.

If Larry gets to be Luke Skywalker, then I get to be the Fairy Princess I always dreamed I'd be.

[zenguy]

Joking aside Just... do you think it could just be an avoidance game, you know, come up with off-the-wall ideas, you shoot them down, he gets to hang out again, blaming you for shooting down all his opportunities for employment?

It would be your fault in his mind then; your fault that he is not gainfully employed,… I wonder… 

Dr. Ric
 

[Pennywise]

I actually laughed at him for it because it was so stupid.  I was pissed, too.  But, it was so ridiculous that I did laugh.  He didn't find that too amusing, but oh well.  So, laugh away...   

And zenguy, I think you are right.  It's another way to make me Mrs. Evil again.

I mean, everybody at one time or the other has thoughts about trying some out there career option.  But, normal people have a voice of reasoning within them that steps in and stops the insane dream from becoming anything more than that.  Normal people know it's unattainable for whatever reason, but it's nice to push reality aside once in a while and just dream.  What is it with BPD that they don't have that voice?  Is it tied in with the whole lack of boundaries thing?  There's no boundaries within their thought processes either?

And hey, I want to be Samantha Bewitched while we are at it.