hw do you guys do it?

[Think About It...]

    I am married/seperated getting a divorce to/from a suspected BPD. I want to try to rectify all this for sake of family ( 2 children ). I want to find/recreate that love and friendship that we used to have, but she is very stubborn and i feel if i persue this there will be little chance of compromise on any matter.
   


       I feel that i will continue to live my life on her terms, and that isnt happiness to me. How do you guys deal with this day in and day out and keep your sanity? I love her deeply and i am having a difficult time holding strong to the NC. I want to move on with my life with her and without her. (?) How do you do it? 

[intoodeep]

    I am married/seperated getting a divorce to/from a suspected BPD. I want to try to rectify all this for sake of family ( 2 children ). I want to find/recreate that love and friendship that we used to have, but she is very stubborn and i feel if i persue this there will be little chance of compromise on any matter.
   


       I feel that i will continue to live my life on her terms, and that isnt happiness to me. How do you guys deal with this day in and day out and keep your sanity? I love her deeply and i am having a difficult time holding strong to the NC. I want to move on with my life with her and without her. (?) How do you do it? 

[Sybgow]

ITD----

I'm divorcing, too.

I think both of us are in for rough times.

It won't be easy.

I look forward to others' input as well.

       g

[timeforclarity]

Hi Intoodeep,


 Quote: "I want to move on with my life with her and without her. (?) How do you do it? "

Sad to say, but you can't. 

You cannot build a loving and healthy relationship by yourself - it takes two to make a marriage work.  So you both need to decide: do you both want the same thing or not. If you both are not commited to the same type of relationship, it will never happen.

How do I do it?  Well, I don't do what you described.  My marriage hit the wall this past summer and I made it clear that I love him very much, but our marriage was a farse.  I want honesty, truthfulness, trust and love in my marriage & asked him what he wanted.  He said he wanted the same, so we went to councelling which led to a diagnosis and meds for him as well as more councelling both together and apart.  I'm happy to say that we've been happier than we had been for years - so far so good!

My whole point though is that a marraige takes 2 participants - good luck!

L

[been there]

   Tina decided that she wanted to get well, and that allowed her to look at the relationship honestly, and work with me on it.

   If she hadn't decided to work on her issues first, there wasn't going to be a relationship.

   Mark

[livingw/ochaos]

I'll echo what Mark said.

My H is committed to getting well; in T; on meds; trying hard.

Without this, I wouldn't still be committed.

[John Galt]

I echo what livinginchaos says who echos Mark.

If the BPD wants to help themself then we(the non) can help the entity (the marriage).

If the BPD refuses help or refuses to acknowledge the diagnosis,then we have the ultimate problem because we can take the horse to water...

All else is only hope and potential.
Marc

[JoannaK]

I want to try to rectify all this for sake of family ( 2 children ). I want to find/recreate that love and friendship that we used to have, but she is very stubborn and i feel if i persue this there will be little chance of compromise on any matter.

You can't make anybody do anything.  You can't rectify anything.  If she values your marriage and she is willing to look at her issues, get with, and stick with appropriate help, without you taking all the blame, then there is hope.  But marriage is a commitment of two, not one.  You alone can't make the marriage work.

However, you shouldn't abandon your kids to her.  Your children deserve peace and stability, and kids usually can't get that in a home with a BPD parent.  So... make sure you have a very good family law attorney (even if you do decide to work things out) and make sure that leaving the marriage doesn't mean leaving your kids.

If she doesn't care enough about the marriage to work on it and accept responsibility for her b.s., then there is nothing to save. 

Sorry you are hurting.

[Easel]

A part of the key is to give up on the fantasy of love and friendship... which don't get me wrong are good things to want... but I feel many of us tend to idealise that, which even in a 'normal' emotionally engaged relationship will not be the eden we yearn for. Relationships ain't easy!

Also, I find that as I've come to terms with the limitations of the situation, I still can go on and have somethings that satisfy me - e.g. I'm part of a poetry book that's being published, I've taught myself how to make some nifty digital images, etc.

But yes it is a world of reduced expectations, unmet needs, and constant struggle with myself (this last one is overall a good thing)... and we might well end up splitting. Ugly as it is, I now feel the split would be for a good reason: my own growth and needs, as well as hers. Rather than bitter feuding.

Then again, I'm sure my answer would be different month to month, depending on what's going on at home.

The kids have provided me a lot of motivation, to really stay engaged and provide stability, and to overcome W's crazies when I feel she's being overly controlling etc.  Perhaps they would have been better off if we'd split, perhaps not.

Not that a life split is easy, given your wish to stay involved, but I know several ex-nookies who have navigated this, and a year or so later have a much better life than before. That year may have been hellish, but they all have come through feeling better. So yes, divorce IS a viable option, one you must keep open no matter what you end up doing.

e

[pip]

mmmmm
we're on and off so fast that i dont know whats happening
ive come to a point where i need to be in a better relationship
love   -    gone
friendship   mmmm
regard   ?
freedom beckons me
we did yet more T which didnt work
W wont be vulnerable and put in her pennyworth to the pot so T gets garbled input and is probably baffled
seen that before in a T
one even told us she was baffled

someone said to me here in this place that we have to be willing to lose /give up our relaionship i suppose because otherwise we are at the mercy of our partners who can prob. sense our dependance on them and our need for it to work
at what cost though
and thats what i see happening
its not a game to play
more a determination to get something better for me because thats what i deserve
and if that means our D
then so be it