In an 8-yr olds eyes

[Think About It...]

UBPW is out of town for a week, across the continent at a conference.  Just me and the kids.  My first instinctive reaction was, hey, freedom!  Of course, the kids didn't see it quite that way.  I was sitting at a computer, trying to install a program I'd been putting off for awhile, and they both wandered in, one after the other, leaning against me, talking and wanting attention.  I gave up on the computer, of course, but not without a bit of grumbling.

"Fine parent I am" I thought to myself after being what I thought of as sort of grumpy with them.  "Whose really the dysfunctional one around here?"

Several hours later, after bedtime snacks and sitting at the table, wrapping up the day, my daughter said, unexpectedly and unprompted, "Dad, I really like it when it's just us without mom."  "Really?"   "Yeah, it's just so, you know, peaceful."  "You don't think I'm grumpy?"  "No, not really, it's just nice." 

So.  I guess the message is, it's not necessary to be perfect, just to be stable.  Or something like that.  Anyway, I realized it had been a day without lingering stresses, and it ended calmly.   

And so far so good. 

[ddz]

UBPW is out of town for a week, across the continent at a conference.  Just me and the kids.  My first instinctive reaction was, hey, freedom!  Of course, the kids didn't see it quite that way.  I was sitting at a computer, trying to install a program I'd been putting off for awhile, and they both wandered in, one after the other, leaning against me, talking and wanting attention.  I gave up on the computer, of course, but not without a bit of grumbling.

"Fine parent I am" I thought to myself after being what I thought of as sort of grumpy with them.  "Whose really the dysfunctional one around here?"

Several hours later, after bedtime snacks and sitting at the table, wrapping up the day, my daughter said, unexpectedly and unprompted, "Dad, I really like it when it's just us without mom."  "Really?"   "Yeah, it's just so, you know, peaceful."  "You don't think I'm grumpy?"  "No, not really, it's just nice." 

So.  I guess the message is, it's not necessary to be perfect, just to be stable.  Or something like that.  Anyway, I realized it had been a day without lingering stresses, and it ended calmly.   

And so far so good. 

[John Galt]

Stability is the key my friend,when they see the rages and the screaming,and they then see the quiet the kids are so peaceful just for that.

Sad for me,but my wife is never out of town for a week ,yet when she leaves for an hour or 3,we go for ice cream or hang around and do whatever but it is always calm and wonderful.Even when the kids act up (which they should do,they are kids) it is still calm and not insane.

We like to not have to walk on eggshells,they like it too!
Marc

[ddz]

You must be right Marc.  Last night my daughter said it again, over the Pizza Hut dinner I prepared. 

And I even think she forgave me for the hair fiasco this morning, when I was unable to distinguish between a pigtail and a ponytail, or to tell if her part was straight. 

[John Galt]

Hey,us dads can get the ponytail pigtail thing sorted out way way easier than the BPD/rage thing dealt with !


Marc

[HOF]

I opened this thread with more than a little trepidation . . . my kids being this age.

BPDW never lets them out of her sight - this never happens - occasionally though - she will take a few of them with her and go somewhere - and I'll have a couple kids to myself - I've experienced the same thing of asking myself WTH am I on the computer for . ..

The real hit home is listenening to middle child's 8 year old prayers the other night "and God please help us to be more well behaved at dinner and around the house and not yell so much because we really are good children, and help my brothers and sisters to behave better so that we don't get yelled at all the time"

Yeah, in an 8-year old's eyes when they talk to God - they are good eye's to look though some times.

D

[ddz]

Hi "Daddy" --


Thanks for sharing.  At least in my case, the kids only suffer peripheral damage, shrapnel from BPW's fire at me and general explosiveness.  But I think the eggshell atmosphere can be almost as destructive.

I can only report that it's very nice if I drop a dish (not break, just drop) and no one yells about it.  I just pick it up.  And it's amazing the amount of energy I find for doing things because I want to do them, rather than because I have to (even when they are the same things). 

But in fairness I should add that W, when not in a full-blown BP mood, is a good mom when it comes to most aspects of family and home  -- and I want to say to all moms out there, "I don't know how you do it.  It's work." 

[JoannaK]

But I think the eggshell atmosphere can be almost as destructive

  You've got that right, ddz.  Everytime that a child hears his/her parent being abused by the other parent, that child is emotionally damaged-- minor damage, but damage that can mount up over time.

As many know, I think that many good dads here are in denial about how "good" their wives really are as parents.  Bpd moms can be destructive to their kid's emotional development in three main ways:  1.  They can be directly abusive and/or neglectful.  2.  They can be abusive and/or alienating towards the other parent... rages, constant complaints, criticisms, abuse towards the other parent does impact the kids negatively.  3.  They can be enmeshing and overcontrolling.  They can act "loving" but are overprotective, refuse to allow anyone else to influence their kids, complain about teachers, coaches, etc., and/or don't allow the kids to get dirty, play in a healthy way, or make appropriate decisions for themselves.  Oh yeah, there is a fourth way:  4.  The parent can put the kid on a pedestal...The kid is "better" than anyone else, better than playmates, parents, other adults, and the parent may also refuse to adequately discipline the kids or get the kids to learn appropriate boundaries and rules.  The kid can do no wrong... Ultimately, just as abusive as not letting the kid do anything. 

Yes, being a mom is hard work.  But most of us managed it without trashing our spouses or the kids.

Our kids deserve to live in peace as often as is possible, and they deserve to have a good role model of how a family functions and how males and females interact.  If dad (or mom) is painted as a jerk by the other parent, it's hard for kids to overcome that.

O.K... I'll jump off the soapbox here.

[ddz]

Joanna,  I didn't see any soapbox, but heard a lot of good stuff.  Thanks for joining in.

Peace. . . . what a concept. 

[SmallVoice]

Wow. This thread gave me a lump in my throat.

My Darling Child loves Lori on Noggin (she's a folk-style singer on a kid's show) and one of her songs is "I'm not perfect but I've got what I've got."

It makes alot of sense. Kids want to be loved and thay want to be able to be kids in a safe environment. Physically, mentally, and emotionally safe.

[ddz]

Quote from Joanna K:  "Being a mom is hard work.  But most of us managed it without trashing our spouses or the kids."

I think that's what makes this BPD thing especially hard for dads.  At least in my experience there are so many things, that seem to be instinctive or intuitional, that I don't understand about parenting, and no matter how hard I try I can't be a "mom" -- only an attentive dad.  So I often give mom the benefit of the doubt.  But I'm starting to doubt more and more.  Not her intentions, but her ability to hold her rages in check; they get set off over the smallest things, then escalate to "everything," and they occur within hearing of, if not in sight of, the kids.

And she even went downstairs after a rage and, still quivering with emotion, tried to explain and defend herself to an 8-year-old, who tried to put on her best "adult" demeanor to W's child. 

And, once the fiery rage had cooled, W told me that it was all MY fault, because I had gotten irritated over her carping and had been less than calm and collected.  Funny, I remember saying to her during her rage that I was not responsible for her temper.  Guess she forgot -- more likely never heard. 

P.S. This might be a bit different from the start of this thread, but I don't think there's a rule against hijacking your own, is there? 

[John Galt]

On the same topic,my BPDwife is going to Calgary tonight to visit her best(and only) friend who moved there 4 months ago.She is going for 48 hours-yes,I have counted.
She asked me a few weeks ago if she could for her birthday and I replied sure,and I got the ticket,actually thinking it is really a birthday gift to me !
Anyway since yesterday she keeps saying how I can have so much fun without her here with all my imaginary girlfriends to which I replied ''exactly when and where can I fit these girls in,esp.with taking care of my kids,10,9 and 5?
My mom told me that she is moving in this weekend(thank you mommy!)and my wife actually got upset about this?

Anyway,I will let everyone know on Monday how the kids react this weekend and the house is with regards to emotions,
Marc