Things are not going so well

[Think About It...]

After comenting in Living in Chaos' thread about how things are going well, now it's my turn to throw some cold water on things with a "Things Not Going So Well" thread.  Short version - NBPDH asks me a question about a potential purchase "Would you pick A or B" I answer "B" flippantly (It frustrates him when I do that, and I'm aware it does) so then I revise my answer to: "I haven't really thought a lot about it, but we said we wouldn't buy B until it was more improved, so I think will hold off on deciding between A and B."

At that point he flies completely off the handle, saying he can't communicate with me at all, blah, blah.  I took the dog outside and was ready to come in and rationally discuss the fact that my first answer was flippant and why I started with that instead of my revised answer.  Well, no dice, he has been yelling and cursing at me for the  past two hours, when he speaks to me.  He is threatening to divorce me for the upteenth time in our 15 year marriage.  I am alternating between not engaging with him and deliberately saying things that I know will probably elicit a "f*&k you" response.  Every part of me knows that egging him on doesn't solve anything, but I really do get sick of hearing how much I suck.  He goes through these phases pretty quickly now, but that doesn't make them any less irritating or the insults any less painful.  I could ge on and on but I'll stop for now.

[anarinda]

After comenting in Living in Chaos' thread about how things are going well, now it's my turn to throw some cold water on things with a "Things Not Going So Well" thread.  Short version - NBPDH asks me a question about a potential purchase "Would you pick A or B" I answer "B" flippantly (It frustrates him when I do that, and I'm aware it does) so then I revise my answer to: "I haven't really thought a lot about it, but we said we wouldn't buy B until it was more improved, so I think will hold off on deciding between A and B."

At that point he flies completely off the handle, saying he can't communicate with me at all, blah, blah.  I took the dog outside and was ready to come in and rationally discuss the fact that my first answer was flippant and why I started with that instead of my revised answer.  Well, no dice, he has been yelling and cursing at me for the  past two hours, when he speaks to me.  He is threatening to divorce me for the upteenth time in our 15 year marriage.  I am alternating between not engaging with him and deliberately saying things that I know will probably elicit a "f*&k you" response.  Every part of me knows that egging him on doesn't solve anything, but I really do get sick of hearing how much I suck.  He goes through these phases pretty quickly now, but that doesn't make them any less irritating or the insults any less painful.  I could ge on and on but I'll stop for now.

[Munch]

Anarinda

[Every part of me knows that egging him on doesn't solve anything, but I really do get sick of hearing how much I suck. /quote]

I don't know about you Anarinda, but sometimes I just say to myself "let her rip" and I go for it - probably not healthy but, heh! -  I am only human

Munchxo

[anarinda]

That's it exactly munch.  The best I can describe it as is payback.  I think think the reason it happens (and I've been thinking a lot about it since reading one of my posts from a couple weeks ago) is that my normal mode of behavior is to be non-reactive or to hide emotions, that generally comes easy for me as I am quiet and somewhat introverted by nature.

I can get completely explosive when I tangle with the manifestations of H's depression, all of my frustration and worry get vented when I give him back some petty hurtful insult like the ones he slings at me.

I guess I need to figure out a healthier way to vent my own negative feelings, but it seems like my options for that are limited sometimes.  Mirroring his bad behavior is taking the easy way out, so I'm trying to hold myself accountable, but keep from falling into the trap of believing all the negative things he says about me.

[Kerr]

Anarinda..

He is projecting! The mud hes slinging...the life blood he is sucking out of you...He simply cannot stand himself...and it hurts to much to take it on..SO he has to put it onto you.

I found that communicating with my ex BPD that the calmer I stayed, the more it infuriated him...he wants a rise..he wants a reaction...tehn it will justify in his head..why he needs to treat you like...S..T.

That being said, Im with you after a while you just get tired of the verbal beating...repeat the mantra.."this is about him...not about me"...I deserve more...I want a partner...not a project!

Stay strong..

Care

[been there]

   Hi Anarinda,

   Not very proud about it, but I was able to cut/hurt/put down/ and push buttons, every bit as good as Tina.

   It was not very easy to get past, but with more looking at me, instead of looking at how much Tina's words hurt. I was able to control in more. But still let it out when emotions run high.

   Good luck, Mark

[justme722004]

My counselor fortunately for me has a daughter with BPD and has been very helpful with giving me advice on all things to do with living with someone with BPD. My BPD husband has the same behavior over the same simple things. When he goes into a beray of cursing at me and putting me down, I started countering it with this. I immediately look at him and say "sweetheart, I love you very much. But, I am not going to listen to this emotional abuse from you. When you are ready to talk to me about this, let me know." and then I go into another room and do something else. It didn't work at first but, after a while it started working greatly!