Your advice Please

[Think About It...]

In 4 days (11-19) the concert my bpw & I have been waiting for over 7 months is here.?  Elton John?  It's 2 hours away.?  However I am very apprehensive, as I have not seen her for over a week.?  Here's the facts:

> I bought these tickets for us last March, for her birthday (10-29).?  She was elated, back then.?  Nice tickets, $200 each!
(I've never spent more than $50/ticket before for any concert!)

> I moved out 6 weeks ago, following 1 month of extreme rejection, cursing, name calling & other verbal abuse...a result of me calmly trying to set personal limits...she couldn't handle my 'different' responses to her raging.

> Her rage & rejection diminished - and sorrow and emotion increased, after I moved.?  We spent her birthday together just 3 weeks ago - she thanked me for making it such a great day...she was so happy...

> Next day she painted me black.?  DEMANDED I give HER Elton John tickets to her.?  I was so flustered I didn't care - drove home & brougnt them back to her, reminding her that "they were meant for us"

(Her cycles repeat every 3-5 days.?  Off, on. Off, on.?  I Love You, Leave! She refuses to get assessed, go back to T, or consider medication.?  She's a scared little girl inside.?  This current cycle is in 'silent treatment' phase, with occasional text msgs, and me being very careful not to get drawn into her arguing, blaming, sarcasm... each time we talk.?  It's been 9 days since we've seen each other.?  We live 3 min. apart...I miss her so dearly, but I have to appear strong to her)

> 1 week ago I reserved a nice hotel room. (I have till noon Saturday to cancel) I emailed her & told her last week when she was out of town for work...assuming she would be happy I was planning ahead for available rooms.

Instead of a happy response, she wrote, "wish you wouldn't have done this.?  You just reserved it or purchased it?  We have not confirmed anything and don't like the way you handled this"

This is her way of drama & control.?  Keeping any plans hung in limbo, ready to cancel them up to the final minute.?  It's been that way for every vacation, trip, dinner plans - even our honeymoon...since we married.?  We've almost missed flights, because of her indecision and powerful bp events.

Last night she sent me text: "Hannah (her 6yr old) has been asking about you.?  Would you like to see her this week?"?  (2 days ago she rubbed in that Hannah has NOT even asked about me)

Of course I said "wonderful! - just let me know when etc"?  ...I really felt like my wife was slowly making the turn into the "up" part of her cycle.

So Thursday I see my stepdaughter.?  Hmm...no mention of the concert?  As if she's forgotten.?  If I mention it to her - she will get negative, and tell me all the reasons she thinks it's a bad idea, etc.?  

I really don't think her heart could be so cold, to go to the concert with someone else - with the tickets I bought for US.?  But she would like to have me think that she is.?  This is her style.

It may be our "last hurrah", but ideally we should go to the concert together...even as only friends, if nothing else.

QUESTION:

How do I confirm this concert?  How do I "confirm the plans" knowing she cannot commit until the last minute?  How do I see it thru so we can go, without "setting her off"?

How do I keep her from not letting the tickets go to waste? (she handily in rage pitches photos, roses, wedding ring...)

Do I just wait till 11:55 Saturday with the phone in my hand to cancel the $200 room - playing her game of 'tag' and see if she will call me in the final minutes like always?

And yes, I know... I may just have to kiss my $400 goodbye - I can't "make" her go with me if she doesn't want to.

Thank you for your gracious help and objective thinking.

[spouseofbp]

In 4 days (11-19) the concert my bpw & I have been waiting for over 7 months is here.?  Elton John?  It's 2 hours away.?  However I am very apprehensive, as I have not seen her for over a week.?  Here's the facts:

> I bought these tickets for us last March, for her birthday (10-29).?  She was elated, back then.?  Nice tickets, $200 each!
(I've never spent more than $50/ticket before for any concert!)

> I moved out 6 weeks ago, following 1 month of extreme rejection, cursing, name calling & other verbal abuse...a result of me calmly trying to set personal limits...she couldn't handle my 'different' responses to her raging.

> Her rage & rejection diminished - and sorrow and emotion increased, after I moved.?  We spent her birthday together just 3 weeks ago - she thanked me for making it such a great day...she was so happy...

> Next day she painted me black.?  DEMANDED I give HER Elton John tickets to her.?  I was so flustered I didn't care - drove home & brougnt them back to her, reminding her that "they were meant for us"

(Her cycles repeat every 3-5 days.?  Off, on. Off, on.?  I Love You, Leave! She refuses to get assessed, go back to T, or consider medication.?  She's a scared little girl inside.?  This current cycle is in 'silent treatment' phase, with occasional text msgs, and me being very careful not to get drawn into her arguing, blaming, sarcasm... each time we talk.?  It's been 9 days since we've seen each other.?  We live 3 min. apart...I miss her so dearly, but I have to appear strong to her)

> 1 week ago I reserved a nice hotel room. (I have till noon Saturday to cancel) I emailed her & told her last week when she was out of town for work...assuming she would be happy I was planning ahead for available rooms.

Instead of a happy response, she wrote, "wish you wouldn't have done this.?  You just reserved it or purchased it?  We have not confirmed anything and don't like the way you handled this"

This is her way of drama & control.?  Keeping any plans hung in limbo, ready to cancel them up to the final minute.?  It's been that way for every vacation, trip, dinner plans - even our honeymoon...since we married.?  We've almost missed flights, because of her indecision and powerful bp events.

Last night she sent me text: "Hannah (her 6yr old) has been asking about you.?  Would you like to see her this week?"?  (2 days ago she rubbed in that Hannah has NOT even asked about me)

Of course I said "wonderful! - just let me know when etc"?  ...I really felt like my wife was slowly making the turn into the "up" part of her cycle.

So Thursday I see my stepdaughter.?  Hmm...no mention of the concert?  As if she's forgotten.?  If I mention it to her - she will get negative, and tell me all the reasons she thinks it's a bad idea, etc.?  

I really don't think her heart could be so cold, to go to the concert with someone else - with the tickets I bought for US.?  But she would like to have me think that she is.?  This is her style.

It may be our "last hurrah", but ideally we should go to the concert together...even as only friends, if nothing else.

QUESTION:

How do I confirm this concert?  How do I "confirm the plans" knowing she cannot commit until the last minute?  How do I see it thru so we can go, without "setting her off"?

How do I keep her from not letting the tickets go to waste? (she handily in rage pitches photos, roses, wedding ring...)

Do I just wait till 11:55 Saturday with the phone in my hand to cancel the $200 room - playing her game of 'tag' and see if she will call me in the final minutes like always?

And yes, I know... I may just have to kiss my $400 goodbye - I can't "make" her go with me if she doesn't want to.

Thank you for your gracious help and objective thinking.

[B2B]

Okay, she demanded both tickets and you gave them to her?  From what you've described, I don't think you're seeing Elton.  I know it bites, and $400. is a lot to kiss goodbye.

However, you've indicated that you're coping with the separation.  You recognize this whole relationship just might have been a mistake.  The decisions now rest with you.

Will attending a concert change anything between you?  Is there a chance she'll put on an act in public, Sir Elton be darned?  She seems mercurial - would it be safe to stay in a hotel room with her if she morphs into psycho-wife? 

But I must ask - are you hoping, against hope, that attending the concert together would somehow reignite the love that made you buy the tickets?  Are you hoping that the last painful months will vanish by sharing an event that seemed important to you both?

[JoannaK]

I'm sorry, spouse, but, to be honest, this just sucks.

You are looking for answers, and there isn't anything that you can do that will definitely "work". ? You handed over the tickets to her, so whatever happens with them happens. ?

You are looking for a guaranteed way to walk on those eggshells and there aren't any guarantees.

Look, you bought the tickets. ? You have a right to know if you are going or not. ? I think you have to ask her as gently as possible. ? Tell her that you were looking forward to seeing her and getting a chance to talk a little. ? Perhaps she didn't like the implication of sleeping with you due to the hotel room? ? If she says she's not going, ask for the tickets back. ? If she says she won't give them back to you, then either argue with her (as if that would work) or forget it. ? Is there any way you can go to the concert without staying over? ? If possible, I would make that an option.
 
If she doesn't tell you soon then cancel the hotel and assume you aren't going. ? You've let her play you with the last minute crap for all of your relationship. ? No wonder she thinks she doesn't have to give you a firm yes or no. ? Of course, you were probably afraid to push her...afraid of the rage and the coldness. ?

Please remember, spouse...the title of the book is STOP Walking on Eggshells. ? This is a sucky way to live. ? It's up to you to decide that you deserve better. ? One definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. ? You've been letting her get away with this last minute crap all of this time... no matter she thinks she can do whatever she wants whenever she wants...and she may have little respect for you because you don't insist that she treats you decently. ? In a way, you are in a prison of your own making with her because you've let her get away with this stuff... You've shown her over and over that you will take whatever crumbs she gives you...last minute plans, a quick meeting with her child. ? You fear being away from her, having no contact with her, more than you want to find some balance in your life...with or without her.

At the worst, you are out all of that money for the tickets...so what? ? You can't force her to go with you...and even if she does go with you, you can't force her to enjoy it.

Next time you get expensive tickets, don't waste your money on someone ungrateful. ? Make sure you are with a woman... or a friend who will be kind and appreciative. ? I'm sorry to sound so harsh, spouse, but it's just hard to read about good people who tolerate b.s. behavior in the name of "love".

[Thats priceless]

Spouse:

You seem like such a caring and considerate individual, it is difficult for me not to feel a great deal of compassion for you.?  So much so in fact, by the time I got finished reading your post, I was left in a quandary myself, wondering if I hoped she would show or wouldn't show.?  

That said, I'm remain curious.?  Irrespective of her decision, what conclusion can or will you draw one way or the other, based on her decision?  

Here's why I ask:?  If she showed, was it because she wanted to see Elton John more than she minded putting up being next to you (or vice versa)?  If she does go to the concert,?  does that means she's committed to you and making those necessary changes in her life, or was it because of a need to fuel her superiority complex, and to castigate a subservient ingrate that has made her life a living hell for far too long?  

If she fails to show, is it because she absolutely hates the hotel you selected, and god knows, she still can't trust you to do something as simple as select a hotel?  Or would it be because she got an offer to go to the corner bar to shoot pool with some one else who is clearly better and more responsible than you, and understands her feelings and needs?

I think you catch the drift...

What I am trying to say is I think you are trying to view whether or not she shows as some kind of litmus test as to whether or not she cares for you. And my answer to you is, I don't think the answer is as simple or straightforward as you want it to be.?  ?  

Please realize spouse, as long as you elect to continue to associate with this woman, you will be living in a house of mirrors, not all that unlike the place depicted in Alice in Wonderland.?  Nothing is ever just as it appears, and there is no apparent rhyme or reason why things happen one way or the other.?  Everything, your world included, "just is..."?  ?

One other question, why don't you just cancel the hotel room on general principal?  Assuming you have been NC for 3 weeks, do you really think that a hotel room is the best place to meet?

You have all my best wishes for a happy outcome...(I hope Elton does every song from "Tumbleweed Connection," as for some reason the song "Where to Now, St. Peter" seems appropriate! ).?  Good luck, T.P.

[Thats priceless]

Spouse:

After posting, I came across the lyrics from Elton's "Love Song," from the Tumbleweed album.?  

In case he plays the song Saturday, I just want to make sure you know the words...

The words I have to say
May well be simple but they're true
Until you give your love
There's nothing more that we can do

Love is the opening door
Love is what we came here for
No one could offer you more
Do you know what I mean
Have your eyes really seen

You say it's very hard
To leave behind the life we knew
But there's no other way
And now it's really up to you

Love is the key we must turn
Truth is the flame we must burn
Freedom the lesson we must learn
Do you know what I mean
Have your eyes really seen

Best wishes and courage?  Regards, T.P.

[spouseofbp]

Okay, she demanded both tickets and you gave them to her?  

You handed over the tickets to her, so whatever happens with them happens

Yes...stupid is as stupid does...hello me!

I learned how to play piano by ear with Elton John's help.?  When I was 14-16 I used to wear out his LP's playing them over & over trying to hear the notes he was playing.?  It began my music career...leading to me becoming a music performance major in college, graduating from the nation's leading contemporary/jazz music college in Boston, Berklee College of Music.

Fast forward to today thru 26 years of performing professionally in my local city - building my reputation as an expert at Elton John, among others.?  

My bpw, 10 yrs my junior, grew up listening to EJ & loving his music since she was 8 or 9.

Long story short, EJ was quite the connection between us.?  Many nights of her falling asleep as I serenaded her from the piano, or watching me perform in public with her friends.

I told her last night that we could go to the concert as platonic friends if nothing else...but that it was very significant & symbolic to us.?  She was trying to wiggle out of a committment, playing hard to get, as she knows that's effective in stringing me along.?  I think the scale is about a 6 from 1(no way) to 10 (will go) of her going at this point

Yes I'm a big emotional romantic, and have often expressed it through my music.?  Yes TP, the lyrics to Love Song are right on the bull's eye.?  I will share them with her at the proper time.

Some of her other favorites (and meaningful excerpts): Tiny Dancer, "...you married a music man..."?  

But noteworthy are these subtle references to BPD in his lyrics:
Don't Let The Sun Go Down On M:
"I can't light no more of your darkness - All my pictures(thinking) seem to fade to black and white"
"Although I search myself, it's always someone else I see"
"Don't discard me, even when you think I mean you harm...But these cuts I have they need love to help them heal"?  

And possible hope in this one:
Someone Saved My Life Tonite:
"Just a pawn out-played by a dominating queen..."
"I'm sleeping with myself tonight
Saved in time, thank God my music's still alive"
?
...and of course the song written about the famous BP herself Marilyn M:?  
"And it seems to me you lived your life, Like a candle in the wind, Never knowing who to cling to, When the rain set in..."

Thank you B2B, Joannak, and TP for you valuable insight and common sense.?  And thanks to Bernie Taupin, EJ's visionary lyricist in the early years.?  

I will keep you posted on what happens!

[Thats priceless]

Spouse:

Thanks for the insight on the E.J. lyrics.?  That's interesting.

Since my whole deal came down, I have been listening to Springsteen's "Tunnel of Love" lp and swear his first wife was BPD based on the lyrics.

Good luck, God bless, and don't forget to cancel that hotel room!

Regards, T.P.