Thoughts on therapist comments

[Think About It...]

I think I PO'ed the therapist today. History: in therapy for over 2 1/2 years. I think H has BPD althought T has never said yes or no.  H had affair and other stuff came out at that time - leading to T saying sexual addiction. Joint time not really spent on this issue at all in about 2 years.  So I questioned T during a session with just me on where things are at in terms of this addiction.  Like is H getting treatment, is T qualified to treat that, has T asked H if there are relapses of infidelity. 

Well T got really upset at me and says I expect him to ask what I should be asking. I think T should open this diagloue as what a touchy area.  I asked T if he is aware of any futher infidelity as my health is involved and even if that is a topic he can share with me (T said from day 1 that we are to indicate if there is anything we say that we do not want shared with the other at any time).  Well T got pretty defensive and accused me of being hostile.  Even asked if I want a referral to someone else.  T also admitted H has never admitted he has an addiction.  That further concerned me as its been over 2 years and this is a huge issue as far as I am concerned. 

Any thought - this T concerns me.  Am I off base on my expectations here.  I am the wife - not the T.

[shortstuff]

I think I PO'ed the therapist today. History: in therapy for over 2 1/2 years. I think H has BPD althought T has never said yes or no.  H had affair and other stuff came out at that time - leading to T saying sexual addiction. Joint time not really spent on this issue at all in about 2 years.  So I questioned T during a session with just me on where things are at in terms of this addiction.  Like is H getting treatment, is T qualified to treat that, has T asked H if there are relapses of infidelity. 

Well T got really upset at me and says I expect him to ask what I should be asking. I think T should open this diagloue as what a touchy area.  I asked T if he is aware of any futher infidelity as my health is involved and even if that is a topic he can share with me (T said from day 1 that we are to indicate if there is anything we say that we do not want shared with the other at any time).  Well T got pretty defensive and accused me of being hostile.  Even asked if I want a referral to someone else.  T also admitted H has never admitted he has an addiction.  That further concerned me as its been over 2 years and this is a huge issue as far as I am concerned. 

Any thought - this T concerns me.  Am I off base on my expectations here.  I am the wife - not the T.

[scarlett]

Is this a marriage counselor? Or are you and your husband both seeing the same therapist for individual counseling?

If you are seeing this therapist individually, then the therapist has no duty to tell you what your husband discusses in his individual sessions, as annoying as that it. I suspect that is one of many reasons that most therapists won't agree to see both a husband and wife as individual clients.

If you are seeing this therapist as a marriage counselor, with occasional one on one visits, then the therapist has at least one point. If you think your husband might be cheating on you again, that is something you should discuss with him. Same deal on whether or not your husband is seeking therapy for his issues. The therapist isn't his keeper.

If the therapist talked about sexual addiction in joint sessions, then I think that any further discussion of sexual addiction should be in joint sessions.

Just because your husband hasn't admitted that he is a sex addict doesn't mean he isn't a sex addict. There are lots of alcoholics out there who think they could quit at any time.

If this is a huge issue, but it hasn't been mentioned in 2 years, why not mention it? And if you are not happy with this therapist, I would discuss what your expectations are and listen to what his response is. Perhaps your expectations are out of line, or perhaps this therapist isn't the right one for you and your situation. I would bring up your concerns, however, and let the therapist address them.

I know it is difficult when you are in a relationship with a mentally ill person, but please remember that you don't need to walk on eggshells around everyone. You can state your opinions. Your therapist shouldn't be PO'ed at you for doing so, unless you attacked him personally. If he genuinely got angry at your questions, then you have a problem. But be sure you aren't simply assuming he was angry at you. Again, you should address these concerns. A good therapist will listen and talk this through with you.

Good luck,

Scarlett

[John Galt]

Shortstuff,
You ever see ''Chorus Line ?''  The teacher of her class says he will kick her out of the drama class unless she gets better.


The Latina girl just cannot do well and visualize things in drama class and she goes to church and asks Santa Maria for advice.

Santa Maria comes back and says

''Get a new teacher,a new class,and you will be an actress''

You had to see the play or the movie to get my point but get yourself a new T.
You can get upset at them,you should challenge them.
Good luck,
Marc

[spouseofbp]

Yes drop the current T.?  With the unstable world we nons & our partners live in, our T has to be the one lifeline we can count on to keep us anchored in reality.

That's what I yearn for, when I go to my T weekly.

Sounds like this T needs T of their own...at the very least more training - but not at your expense by being their proving grounds.

Good luck!
spouse

[been there]

   I don't think your off base at all shortstuff. Finding the right T is very important, and sometimed very hard. It took the 4th T, to be the right one for Tina and myself.

   But, if it is your husband's T, then he needs to feel comfortable with the T, in order for therapy to be effective.

   Mark

   

[schnitzel]

i know that there are many different views on this so i would like to point out that this is mine.
my analyst is extremely ethical- so much so that my analyst will refuse to treat anybody who even knows me. ( i wanted to refer a friend of mine for her own personal problems - jeeez!) today i see that this is the height of integrity and there is no knocking that.
i have come to the conclusion that having one T for both spouses is not a good thing to do. therapy is a personal matter and it is done irrelevant of the spouse. you should be learning your lessons about how you want to live your life (needs etc) and your husband should be doing the same ...irrespective of each other. if you then come to the conclusion that you meet each other`s needs then you can decide to stay together.
perhaps having one T for the both of you is a way of still "staying connected"- but i understand that one should learn to walk on ones own feet before creating a union. ( BTW- this is the kind of state of mind that could get a womanizer to take responsibility for what he is doing!)
and yes i think it would be terrifically unethical for the T to tell you what your husband is doing and saying behind his back. i also think it is not even ethical for you to ask. you should be looking into your own heart. people who know themselves well can sense what is going on in their marriage and dont have to ask an outsider.
but i also think it is your own T`s fault for treating both of you- and he should actually be more adept - being aware of what he is doing - at enforcing a boundary without feeling threatened by you ( if this is what he did). but perhaps he just told you that you were becoming hostile without his feathers being ruffled? like just stating a fact?
seems to me your sitûation has all the elements for the possibility of?  "enmeshment".?  
but like i said in the beginning- i think i would get my own T and work on my own issues. it would be a first step towards autonomy and for me this is the only way to any happiness ((together)) as well. it has to be 2 responsible, autonomous adults for a meeting of minds and hearts to work out in the long run - and this is what we are looking at here. imho.