"No contact" gone wrong...

[Think About It...]

When my BPDxbf moved out in July (because he did things that were abusive).. things got very strained and and we saw each other infrequently and because I was so hurt by everything and angry, I tried to implement NC, (of course this would upset him), then I would cave. We also fought a lot because he had become increasingly hostile. (He wanted to be with me but didn't want to address what had happened - and I couldn't do this). So any time we saw each other, it would last a day or two before it got to a fight and the subsequent, "Don't contact me anymore!"

I wish I hadn't tried to do the NC thing until I was really prepared to stand by it.?  It just caused a lot of pain, grief, defensiveness and hostility.. I was really trying to do it in the spirit it was meant to be for, but I kept failing, and it made things so much worse because I'm sure he felt that I was doing it to manipulate him rather than because I really wanted to move away from the pain. Which only made him more hostile.

And I did a thing that I regret, but it's too late now.?  After our last fight, where I hung up the phone, he didn't attempt to contact me. A week later, I was fit to be tied.. so I messaged him, called him, sent him a couple emails - one email that said that I wanted to put this behind us and if he was willing to work with me, so was I, etc.?  But I got no responses to any of it.?  I was crushed.?  Here I thought he'd never give me up, and he did.?  Now, when I pass him in the hall at work (he comes in on Wed for a couple hours), it's really uncomfortable.?  I have no idea what went on with him, why he suddenly decided "enough is enough" I guess.?  

And I'm struggling to maintain any sense of dignity or self-esteem, feeling like I meant nothing to him at all, and he's having his last laugh, and I look like a sucker, a fool.?  He's the one who treated me so horribly, and at the end, HE wouldn't respond to ME.

I should have waited to do the NC thing until I knew I was strong enough to stick to it no matter what.

[goochiegirl]

When my BPDxbf moved out in July (because he did things that were abusive).. things got very strained and and we saw each other infrequently and because I was so hurt by everything and angry, I tried to implement NC, (of course this would upset him), then I would cave. We also fought a lot because he had become increasingly hostile. (He wanted to be with me but didn't want to address what had happened - and I couldn't do this). So any time we saw each other, it would last a day or two before it got to a fight and the subsequent, "Don't contact me anymore!"

I wish I hadn't tried to do the NC thing until I was really prepared to stand by it.?  It just caused a lot of pain, grief, defensiveness and hostility.. I was really trying to do it in the spirit it was meant to be for, but I kept failing, and it made things so much worse because I'm sure he felt that I was doing it to manipulate him rather than because I really wanted to move away from the pain. Which only made him more hostile.

And I did a thing that I regret, but it's too late now.?  After our last fight, where I hung up the phone, he didn't attempt to contact me. A week later, I was fit to be tied.. so I messaged him, called him, sent him a couple emails - one email that said that I wanted to put this behind us and if he was willing to work with me, so was I, etc.?  But I got no responses to any of it.?  I was crushed.?  Here I thought he'd never give me up, and he did.?  Now, when I pass him in the hall at work (he comes in on Wed for a couple hours), it's really uncomfortable.?  I have no idea what went on with him, why he suddenly decided "enough is enough" I guess.?  

And I'm struggling to maintain any sense of dignity or self-esteem, feeling like I meant nothing to him at all, and he's having his last laugh, and I look like a sucker, a fool.?  He's the one who treated me so horribly, and at the end, HE wouldn't respond to ME.

I should have waited to do the NC thing until I knew I was strong enough to stick to it no matter what.

[KermitNJ]

I should have waited to do the NC thing until I knew I was strong enough to stick to it no matter what.

Hi gg,
If I waited till I was strong enough like you say, I would still be with my BP?  I think you did the right thing.?  You were strong and brave enough to make a difficult choice, and you stuck by it as best as you could.?  I had to try NC several times before I got it right.

It sounds to me like he never had any intention of addressing what had happened between you.?  And you have every right to be treated as you wish.?  I'm so glad you stood up for yourself.?  It also seems like he didn't care for you like you should be cared for, and that says nothing about you.?  It merely shows his true colors.?  I think you proved that you have dignity and self esteem because you stood up for yourself by establishing a boundary.?  Please don't judge yourself by what you think he thinks.

Sometimes I feel that I was made a sucker by my BP, but then I realize that I was good to her and she took advantage of me.?  That says something about both of us, and for my part I have every intention of still being good to others.?  (I'll be way more careful, but I'll still be good to them.)

Sending hugs and healing thoughts.

Peace,
Kermit

[goochiegirl]

Thanks Kermie!

Your post does help, because since this all happened, my self-esteem has gone into the toilet.  I do constant battle with shame, guilt, feeling betrayed, feeling undeserving, unworthy, etc.  While my head knows it's about his BPD, my heart doesn't seem to get the message very well. It just keeps beating, "But I thought he loved me!"

It would even help if I knew he were suffering over this too, mourning me, missing me, but from what I can tell, BPDs don't even bother with that.  Turn off their feelings as soon as it's convenient for them, and move on.  I wish I had some of that.

[lightnin]

"A week later, I was fit to be tied.. so I messaged him, called him, sent him a couple emails - one email that said that I wanted to put this behind us and if he was willing to work with me, so was I, etc.?  But I got no responses to any of it.?  I was crushed.?  Here I thought he'd never give me up, and he did."

goochie,
i probably shouldnt tell you this, but it's only been a week.

the primary motivation of a borderline is to MAINTAIN CONTROL OF THE OBJECT (according to Gunderson).?  you are the object.

right now he thinks he's in control.

everything a bp does is to get control of people, because they can't control themselves.?  many think that the bp is a complicated creature full of contradictions, but their thinking is really VERY PRIMATIVE, it is aimed at control.

i have done extensive reading (even medical texts) on this subject.?  combined with my own experience, i truly believe control is everything to them.

if he sees you go out with some other guy, or anything threatens his perceived control, i bet he will re-engagement.

of course i could be wrong.

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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)